Puppy Talk - Going Potty

Mom.

Mom.

Mom.

I'm lying here facing the back door, Mom. I'm asking to go out. It's pretty clear.

Mom.

Mom.

Stop watching the little people in the Always Bright Window and let me out.

Mom.

Mom.

Oh, thank God. Yes, Mom. I. Want. To. Go. Out. Yes. Open the door.

Thank you! Finally!

Mmmmm, nice breeze. What's wafting through the air? Sniffsniff.... sniffsnif...

What?

Aw, Mom, you ruined it.

You know, I just want to check out my little spot where I can see down the side of the house to the street. Just a quick check. Gotta see what's going on out there, protect the den, you know. Now let me see...

Empty street.

Mmph...

Better keep looking. You never know what might happen.

What? Oh yes, Mom, I came out to potty Thanks for reminding me.

OK, where should I pee?

Ooh, that's an interesting smell! I think there was a squirrel here! What the...? Gotta sniff this... Sniff it... Sniff it...

What?

Sniff it...

OK, OK, Mom, stop yelling. And no, it ISN'T that cold out here.

Ohhhh kaaaay. I'm gooooooing potteeeeeeeeee.

OK, here's the spot--- Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

There we go! That didn't take long! Why are you scowling, Mom?

Want to read more posts like this? Click the category tag below.

Puppy Talk - Den defence

 

"You are going to get in trouuuuuble!"

"What?"

"For peeing there.  You shouldn't pee there.  That's the hard part where the hairless apes walk.  You're supposed to pee where the bark is.  Mama said so."

"I'm defending the den, you little twit."

"A twit is a birdie.  I'm not a birdie.  You are mean.  But also dumb."

"Are you calling me dumb?  I'm the CETA.  You're the DELTA."

"Um... I said 'um' ..."

"Yeah, you better have said 'um'.  Anyway, I'm defending the den.  I'm marking."

"Eh?"

"Oh come on!  Didn't your ancestors teach you anything?"  

"Of course they did!"

"I'm marking in front of the part of the outside cave wall that opens because dogs walking past need to be able to smell that this is my den and I defend it - the outside part of the den and the inside part of the den."

"Oh."

"Seriously, your ancestors must be morons.  Don't you know about hunting, tracking, marking?"

"Um... yes.  I also know about walking nicely, doing a very good trot and having a strange person touch you all over to check how pretty you are."

"What?"

"It's about being the prettiest dog.  The doggiest dog.  I know how to show that I am the doggiest dog of my kind of dog."

"What?  How is that going to help you survive on the mean streets?"

"How will you ever show that you have the best breeding putt enshil?"

"What is that?"

"I don't know.  But my ancestors have it."

"My ancestors have scrummy, freshly dead rabbits.  And squirrels."

"SQUIRREL?  WHERE?  WHERE?"

"Oh, God."

To read more in this series, click here.

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• Sucky face and hairless apes
• Dysonmonster

Puppy Talk - Ball

 

Mama!  Mama!  It's ball time!

...

Mama?  You just got out of bed.  You're in the waterfall room.  You're doing the bzzt thing in your mouth with the white stuff.  That means it's time to kick the ball for me while you do it! 

...

Mama?  Come on!  The ball is there!  Let's go!

...

Why aren't you doing ball time?  IT'S BALL TIME!

...

What do you mean 'go get the ball'?  The ball is right there!

...

Stop asking me to go get the ball!  The ball is there!  THE BALL IS RIGHT THERE!  Come on!  Soon you'll finish with the bzzt thing and our morning routine will be all wrong!

...

AAARGH!  You're finished with the bzzt thing!  You've ruined it!  You've messed up our morning game!  I HATE YOU!

...

Oh now you open the closet.  Oh, now you see the ball.  I was telling you where it was all this time!  You better kick it now!  You better!

...

YAY!  Chase the ball!  Grab the ball!  Bring it back!

...

Mama?  I brought you the ball.  Time to kick it again.  Kick it, Mama!

...

What?  You're stepping into the hot waterfall?  THIS IS SO UNFAIR!  I HATE YOU!  I'm going to walk away now and get back on the bed with Dada!  SO THERE!

 To read more in the Puppy Talk series, where Puppy Dog and Puppy Girl chat, click here.

You might like:

• A close call
• Ribs

Puppy Talk - Bonecall to Spirit

 

  

Unfortunately, my dogs were in the room when one of Puppy Dog's Tweetpals directed me to this site which tells the story of Ara and Spirit.

 

Ara is a chef, a writer, a father who knows the pain of outliving his child. Spirit is, like every dog, a companion, a friend, family. He is also the one who gets to sit in the sidecar wearing goggles and a helmet that says "Bite Me."

Now my furkids are obsessed.  Spirit is their hero and Ara is a god.  Everything is "Spirit this," "Spirit that."  So it's hardly surprising that they wanted to talk to Spirit.

 

Check out the site and you'll soon see why.

Puppy Dog:  Hey Spirit!  We saw your video!  So kewl, Dude!

Puppy Girl:  Omigod!  Sooooooo JEALOUS!

Puppy Dog:  Don't be rude.

Puppy Girl:  Well I am jealous!  And you are too!  Don't pretend you're not.

Puppy Dog:  Shut up, I'm not talking to you.  I'm talking to Spirit.

Puppy Girl:  Uh, yeah, about that... how are we doing that, exactly?

Puppy Dog:  The Collective Dogconscious. 

Puppy Girl:  The whatnow?

Puppy Dog:  Never mind.  It just works, OK?  You can connect to Spirit if you concentrate hard and talk to him.

Puppy Girl:  Are you winding me up?

Puppy Dog:  No!  Listen, a moment ago you talked to Spirit, right, just after I did?

Puppy Girl:  Oh yeah... I did!

Puppy Dog:  It's like that.  It just is.  You don't have to think about it.  

Puppy Girl:  Wow.... that's...

Puppy Dog:  Sorry about the interruption, Spirit.  My little sister can be---

Puppy Girl:  THAT'S SO AWESOME!

Puppy Dog:  AARGH!  Why are you yelling?  I was talking to---

Puppy Girl:  SO AWESOME!  SO AWESOME!  THE KLEKTIV DOGSHUSS!

Puppy Dog:  Ssh!  I'm talking to Spirit!

Puppy Girl:  Oh, right, sorry.

Puppy Dog:  Where were we?  Sorry again, Spirit, I---

Puppy Girl:  HEY, SPIRIT!  Where'd you get those goggly thingies?  They look awesome!  And the head cap thingy!  Awesome!  And you get to ride with your Dada and sniff everything and feel the wind in your fur and the sun on your head - well, not your head because of the hat thingy but the sun on your tail, definitely your tail - right? - and you get to go fun places and meet other dogs and see new things all the time!  YOU'RE SO LUCKY!!!  We can't even stick our heads out the moving den windows!

Puppy Dog:  Yeah, she's right.  Annoying, but right.  We mostly go to the parks in the moving den.  There are a few of them, but we pretty much know them now.  Hell, half way there we know where we're going.

Puppy Girl:  Yeah but there was that one time...

Puppy Dog:  Yes.  We went to see Mama and Dada's friends in Faraway.

Puppy Girl:  Faraway!  It was AWESOME!

Puppy Dog:  [Whispering]  I tell her that everywhere that isn't here is called Faraway because she---

Puppy Girl:  What are you whispering about?

Puppy Dog:  Nothing.

Puppy Girl:  Are you saying mean things about me to Spirit?

Puppy Dog:  No.

Puppy Girl:  LIAR!  Don't listen to him, Spirit!  He's just mean and nasty because I can run faster than him and I get to the Lil Round Green Critter first and bring it back to Mama and then she throws it and we both run but I get to it first again and---

Puppy Dog:  Will you stop blabbering?  

Puppy Girl:  Shut up!

Puppy Dog:  No, you shut up.  So, Spirit: Mama's promised us that she's going to show us more videos and read us your Dada's stuff about where you go and what you see.

Puppy Girl:  And we're going to get a sidecar!  Mama said!  And Mama said we can have one each because I don't want to sit next to my mean old stinky brother!

Puppy Dog:  OK, now you're just being silly.  The only thing Mama said about a sidecar was that it made her feel like a drink.  

Puppy Girl:  How does a drink feel?

Puppy Dog:  Oh for crying out loud!  Feel like A drink!  Like having a drink!

Puppy Girl:  What's water got to do with all this?  Mama said sidecar!  I heard her!  We're getting a sidecar each!

Puppy Dog:  Look, Spirit, we'll have to chat when I'm alone.  You can see what I'm putting up with here.  Seriously, Dude, I envy you on the open road, ALONE with your Dada.  Later.

Puppy Girl:  Stop ignoring me!  Mama said!  She said sidecars!

Puppy Dog:  So we're getting two sidecars, are we?  Do you even know what a sidecar is?

Puppy Girl:  It goes brmmmm-brmm.  It has a thing on the side what you sit in.  And a thing on the other side what I sit in.  Brmmmm-brmm!  Brmmmm-brmm!

Puppy Dog:  Did you even WATCH the video?

Puppy Girl:  You know I did!  I was right there with you!

Puppy Dog:  A sidecar is attached to a motorbike.  You can't have two sidecards on a motorbike.  Only one.

Puppy Girl:  A motorwhatnow?

Puppy Dog:  That's it.  That's it!  I'm going to bed.

 

To read more in the Puppy Talk series, click the Tag below or the Category link on the left.

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• Fur Blower
• The Pack Hierarchy

Puppy Talk - Potty Time

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

Puppy Girl:  YAY!  Mama's opening the door!  Potty time!  I reeeeeeally need to pee!

 

Puppy Dog:  What the hell is this?

 

Puppy Girl:  I heard Mama and Dada talking.  It's a fence.

 

Puppy Dog:  What?

 

Puppy Girl:  Oooooh, that feels good... What?

 

Puppy Dog:  I said: 'What?'

 

Puppy Girl:  No, I said What.

 

Puppy Dog:  Oh, for God's sake!  What's the fence for?

 

Puppy Girl:  They said it's for the grass.

 

Puppy Dog:  That's ridiculous.  It's not on the grass.  It's on the path.

 

Puppy Girl:  I dunno.  You better hurry up and go potty.  Mama's calling us.

 

Puppy Dog:  I can't go potty.  My potty place is over there.

 

Puppy Girl:  Too bad.  You can't get there.  You'll just have to potty here on the bark like I do.

 

Puppy Dog:  This is ridiculous!  I refuse to go potty there.  That is your potty place.  My potty place is on the grass.  The nice, soft, damp grass.  Wait.  Maybe I can get under the fence over here--- No.  Maybe over there?  No.  Maybe around the end here...

 

Puppy Girl:  It's not gonna werrrrr-herrrrrk! 

 

Puppy Dog:  Screw this.  Unlike you, I'm a big boy.  I can hold it.  I'm not going potty.  I'm going to bed.

 

Puppy Girl:  Too bad for you, then.

 

Puppy Dog:  Dammit!

 

Puppy Girl:  HAHA!  Mama sent you outside again, didn't she?  You'll have to go potty now!

 

Puppy Dog:  Shut up.  You're so annoying.

 

Puppy Girl:  You're so annoying!  

 

Puppy Dog:  How come your potty place doesn't have a fence around it?  So unfair!  I hate you!

 

Puppy Girl:  I hate YOU!

 

Puppy Dog:  Oh, shut up.

 

Puppy Girl [gasping in horror] : Are you going potty against the fence?

 

Puppy Dog:  Yes.  It's as close to my potty spot as I can get.

 

Puppy Girl:  You're going to get into truh-hubble!

 

Puppy Dog:  Shut up.  Mama wasn't looking.

 

Puppy Girl:  I'm gonna tell!  Mama!  MAMA!

 

Puppy Dog:  I can't tell you how much I hate you.

 

Puppy Girl:  Mama's busy.  She's going potty.

 

Puppy Dog:  HAH!  So there!

 

Puppy Girl:  You're so naughty!

 

Puppy Dog:  Just shut up!

 

Puppy Girl:  No, YOU shut up!

 

Puppy Dog:  No, YOU-- wait, forget this.  I'm going to bed.

  

  

To read more in the Puppy Talk series, click the Tag link below, or the category link on the left.

    

  

Puppy Talk - Close call

 

Puppy Girl:  This is such fun!  I love going on walks.  Don't you think it's fun?

Puppy Dog:  [Sniffsniffsniff]  Hmm... Cockapoo.  About half an hour ago.  

Puppy Girl:  I love the grass, and the flowers, and the trees, and the people who walk past and the sun...

Puppy Dog:  [Sniffsniffsniff]  Cat, one day ago.

Puppy Girl:  Why do you keep zigzagging about?  You're tangling the leashes!  That means I can't move!  What are you doing?

Puppy Dog:  [Sniffsniffsniff]  Boxer, ten minutes ago.  Ooh!  Pup-bearing potential!  [Sniffsniffsniff]  Yes, definitely potential...

Puppy Girl:  STOP IGNORING ME!  

Puppy Dog:  [Sniffsniff--]  SQUIRREL!!!

Puppy Girl:  SQUIRREL!!!

Puppy Dog and Puppy Girl:  SQUIRREL!!! SQUIRREL!!!  SQUIRREL!!!

Puppy Girl:  Ooh, look!  Mama let go of the leash!  I'm free!  

Puppy Dog:  SQUIRREL!!! SQUIRREL!!!  SQUIRREL!!!

Puppy Girl:  I'm free!  What fun!  I can go here.  And I can go here.  And I can go here.

Puppy Dog:  Aw, Mama why did you make me come back to you?  Can't you see the furry-tailed Evil?  It's RIGHT THERE!  I can get it!  I can!  Oh, OK!  OK!  So unfair!

Puppy Girl:  Free!  Free!  I'm free! Weeee-heee!  Oops!  That moving den nearly hit me!  Mama!  Mama!  That moving den nearly hit me!  That wasn't fun!  Hey, why is Mama mad at me!

Puppy Dog:  You went into the road, Stupid.

Puppy Girl:  So what?  I was FREEEEEE!

Puppy Dog:  We're not allowed into the road, Stupid.

Puppy Girl:  Why's Mama so upset?

Puppy Dog:  Because.  You.  Could.  Have.  Been.  Squished.  You.  Stupid.  Stupid.  STUPID!

Puppy Girl:  Stop calling me names!  You're the one who went after the Evil Squirrel first!  You freed us!  I just celebrated that freedom.

Puppy Dog:  You are not.  Allowed.  In the road.

Puppy Girl:  Well, this is no fun.  I hate Heel.

Puppy Dog:  It's your fault we're on heel.

Puppy Girl:  Pffft!  You went after the squirrel!

Puppy Dog:  So did you.

Puppy Girl:  You did it first.

Puppy Dog:  You went into the road!

Puppy Girl:  It's your fault!

Puppy Dog:  IT'S YOUR FAULT!

Puppy Girl:  I HATE YOU!

Puppy Dog:  I HATE YOU!

Puppy Girl:  [mumbling]  You weren't even fast enough to get the squirrel, so there!

Puppy Dog:  WHAT?

Puppy Girl:  Nothing.  I hate you.

Puppy Dog:  I hate you.

Puppy Girl:  Look!  We're home already!

Puppy Dog:  Shut up.

Puppy Girl:  I still hate you.

Puppy Dog:  Shut up, I'm going to nap.

Puppy Girl:  I'm going to ask Mama to throw the ball for me!  Yippeee!

Puppy Dog:  Yeah, g'luck with that.

To see more in the Puppy Talk series, click the Tag below category link on the left.

Puppy Talk - Domination games

 

Puppy Dog:   New hairless apes are coming into the pack.

Puppy Girl:   Really?  Wow!  How do you know?

Puppy Dog:   Mama's making the bed in that part of the den that's for other hairless apes.  

Puppy Girl:   Yay! I love it when new hairless apes come into the pack!

Puppy Dog:   I don't.

Puppy Girl:   Why not?

Puppy Dog:   I like my position in the pack.  I don't like to have it challenged.

Puppy Girl:   Well, I don't care.  I think new hairless apes are fun!  They stroke me and play with me!

Puppy Dog:   It's not like they have any choice, when you throw the ball into their laps again and again.

Puppy Girl:   Well it's better than you humping their leg!

Puppy Dog:   I have to show them who's boss.  I've been in this pack the longest, thank you very much!

Puppy Girl:   Is that what Dada was doing last night?

Puppy Dog:   What?

Puppy Girl:   Showing Mama who's boss?  You know, when they were up on the bed and they made me get off and go to my own bed?

Puppy Dog:   Um....

Puppy Girl:   Mama is very hard to dominate!  It took Dada ages to get her to submit!  And she really didn't like it!  She kept screaming!

Puppy Dog:   Um...

Puppy Girl:   Well I don't care about your all your domination games.  I'm happy as the bottom of the pack.  I'm the baby and you gotta love me!

Puppy Dog:   Yes, well.  AHEM!  Where's your ball?

Puppy Girl:   BALL!  BALL!  WHERE'S MY BALL?

Puppy Dog:   Whew!  Bullet dodged.

Puppy Girl:   What?

Puppy Dog:   Nothing

Puppy Girl:   THERE'S MY BALL!  YAY!

To see more in the Puppy Talk series, click the category link on the left.

Puppy Talk - Crazy Mommy

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Puppy Girl:  Mama is really annoying me!

 

Puppy Dog:  What's wrong?

 

Puppy Girl:  She keeps singing this annoying song to me.

 

Puppy Dog:  Singing is nice.  What's your problem?

 

Puppy Girl:  Singing is nice, but the same song all the time gets a bit old.

 

Puppy Dog:  What does she sing?

 

Puppy Girl:  I don't know what it is.  Something about sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset and sweeping go the years. 

 

Puppy Dog:  What?  That doesn't even make any sense!

 

Puppy Girl:  I know!  Then she gets a really high voice and sings where is the little pup she carried and where is the little pup at play and how she doesn't remember getting older day by day.  

 

Puppy Dog:  Yeah, that sounds pretty stupid.

 

Puppy Girl:  Yup.  Then she gets all weird and starts telling me that she bought a puppy, not a big girl.

 

Puppy Dog:  That's ridiculous.  You're tall, you're thin, you're fit, you're looking great.  Womanhood suits you.

 

Puppy Girl:  I know, right?  If I was a hairless ape, I could totally rock those skinny jeans they keep going on about.  I mean, it's not my fault I'm growing up!  And besides, I like growing up!  I can reach the chickens Dada leaves on the kitchen counter now!

 

Puppy Dog:  Yeah, that was awesome.  Thanks for sharing.

 

Puppy Girl:  Uh, it's not like I had much choice. You just got in there.  You ate that nice white meat part before I could even get a taste of it!

 

Puppy Dog:  Listen, Kid.  I'm above you in the pack, no matter how damn big you get, AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT!

 

Puppy Girl:  OK!  OK!  Shesesh.  Just do me a favor...

 

Puppy Dog:  What?

 

Puppy Girl:  Just don't sing me a damn song about it!

 

'

For more Puppy Talk, click here. 

Puppy Talk - Ribs

 

Puppy Girl:  Mmmmmm... what is that?

Puppy Dog:  I smell it too.  We must investigate!

Puppy Girl:  It's Dada.  He's outside.  MEAT!  But the door is closed!  

Puppy Dog:  Damn!

Puppy Girl:  I don't understand!  This is the food place!  We are in the food place!  How can Dada be making meat!

Puppy Dog:  It's the Other Hot Cave.

Puppy Girl:  You're not making sense!  We are standing next to the Hot Cave!  And it's not hot!  And there's no smell from it!

Puppy Dog:  Pay attention!  I said the Other Hot Cave!  It's outside.  Sometimes Dada makes meat on it.  

Puppy Girl:  WE HAVE TO GET OUTSIDE!  I WANT THE MEAT!

Puppy Dog:  Well, unless you plan to grow an opposable thumb, you're out of luck.

Puppy Girl:  A spose-sum?  What's a spose-sum?

Puppy Dog:  [Sighs]  Never mind.

Puppy Girl:  WAIT!  He's coming!

Puppy Dog:  Stand back!  He's opening the door!

Puppy Girl:  Dada?  Can I have some meat?  Dada, can I have some meat?  Dada, can I have some---

Puppy Dog:  You're wasting your breath.  We have to wait till the Hairless Apes eat.

Puppy Girl:  But it smells sooooooo good!  I WANT SOME!  I WANT SOME!

Puppy Dog:  Listen, Kid.  You're wasting your breath.  Shut up.  Stick with me.  We'll get some.

Puppy Girl:  But I want some noooooooow.

Puppy Dog:  Follow me.

Puppy Girl:  Where are we going?

Puppy Dog:  I'll sit in front of Dada, and you sit in front of Mama.

Puppy Girl:  Check!  Oh, it smells soooo---

Puppy Dog:  FOCUS!

Puppy Girl:  OK! OK!  What now?

Puppy Dog:  Now look cute and sad and hungry.

Puppy Girl:  I can't do all of those things!  I'm just going to grab one from Mama's plate!  It's right here!  If I just lean forward a little...

Puppy Dog:  NO!  DON'T!

Puppy Girl:  But I---

Puppy Dog:  If you do that, you'll get NOTHING!  Just listen to me!

Puppy Girl:  OK! OK!

Puppy Dog:  Look cute.  And sad.  And hungry.

Puppy Girl:  How?  That's too many things!

Puppy Dog:  Just think about how much you love Mama, then think about how sad you were when you had to leave your litter, then think about how much you want the meat.

Puppy Girl:  [Mumbling]  I love you, Mama.  Aw, I miss my first Mama!  I want meeeeeeeat...

Puppy Dog:  Good, good.  Now think those thoughts again.  And again.

Puppy Girl:  I love you, Mama.  I miss my first Mama.  I want meeeeat...  I love you, Mama.  I miss my first Mama.  I want meeeeeat.... I love you, Mama.  I miss my first Mama.  I want meeeeeat... I love you--- GLURB!

Puppy Dog:  GLURB!  See?  Told you it works.

Puppy Girl:  Meat!  Yum!  Yum!  Yum!  OK, now do we do it again.

Puppy Dog:  Nope.  That's all you get.

Puppy Girl:  But---

Puppy Dog:  Mama is taking the food bowls to the food place.  It's over.

Puppy Girl:  But---

Puppy Dog:  Trust me, Kid.  It's over.

Puppy Girl:  Aw!  Still, that was goooood meeeeeat....  Maybe if I try looking up at Mama in the food place...  What was it again?  I love you first Mama.  I miss meat.  I---

Puppy Dog:  [Sighing]  Kid, you gotta lot to learn.

To read more in the Puppy Talk series, click here.

Puppy Talk - Mornings

 

Puppy Girl:  Mom.  Mo-hom.  I need potty!  Mo-hoh-hoh-hoh-hoh-m!  Mo-hoh-hoh-hoh-hoh-m!  Mo-hoh-hoh-hoh-hoh-m!  Mo-hoh-hoh-hoh-hoh-m!  Mo-hoh-hoh-hoh-hoh-m!  

[Alarm goes off.]

Puppy Dog:  MORNING BUGLE!  I'm up, Mom!  I'm ready!  I'm at the bedroom door!

Puppy Girl:  Oh, thank God!  Mo-hoh-hoh-hoh-hom!  Let's gooooooooo!  I need poh-hoh-hoh-tty!

[Back door opened.]

Puppy Dog:  BACK PERIMETER CHECK!  WEST BOUNDARY - ALL CLEAR! NORTH BOUNDARY - ALL CLEAR!  EAST BOUNDARY - ALL CLEAR!

Puppy Girl:  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!  That feels good!

Puppy Dog:  FRONT PERIMETER CHECK!  FRONT DOOR - ALL CLEAR!

[Mama starts serving breakfast.]

Puppy Dog:  Morning rations!  Right on time!  Let's go, Mama!  Hut!  Hut!  Hut!

Puppy Girl:  Food!  YAY!  FOOD!  YAY!  FOOOOOOOOOOOOD! YAAAAAAY!

[Breakfast is done. Mama washes bowls.]

Puppy Girl:  Are you giving me more food, Mama?  Is there more?  More?  More?

Puppy Dog:  MORNING ABLUTIONS!  Find your spot, take your time, deep breaths and relaxation ensure effective elimination.

[Mama opens the bedroom door.]

Puppy Dog:  Morning digestive nap number 1 is GO!

Puppy Girl:  Time to play, Mama!  Kick the ball!  Kick the ball!  YAY!  I got it!  I got the ball, Mama!  Here it is!  Kick it again!  I don't know what you're doing with that buzzing thing and that minty foam on your mouth, Mama, but kick the ball!  Kick it!  Again!  YAY!  I got it!  I got the ball, Mama!  Here it is!  Kick it again!  Again!  Again!  Again!  YAY!  I got it!  I got the ball, Mama!  Here it is!  Kick it again!  YAY!  I got it!  I got the ball, Mama!  Here it is!  Kick it again!  YAY!  I got it!  I got the ball, Mama!  Here it is!  Kick it again!  YAY!  I got it!  I got the ball, Mama!  Here it is!  Kick it again!  

Puppy Dog:  Quiet!  It's nap time!  Oh, wait, hang on, Mama's going to the kitchen.  OK, I'm up!  READY TO GO!

Puppy Girl:  Are you making more food for me, Mama?  Are you?  Are you?  Oh, it's for you?  Can I have some?  Can I have some?  Please?  Please?  Pleeeeeeeeease!

Puppy Dog:  Employing hypnotism technique No. 1.  You wiiiiiiiilll give me some of your fooooooood.  You wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiillllllllllllll giiiiiiiiiive meeeee soooooome of your foooooooooood.  SUCCESS!  Licking time!

Puppy Girl:  Ooooooh!  I like to lick the milk!  Yummy!  Yummy!  Yummy!

Puppy Dog:  Back off, Puppy Girl!  Respect your elders!

Puppy Girl:  Yummy!  Yummy!  Yummy!

Puppy Dog:  Licking complete!  Morning digestive nap number 2 is GO!

[Shower water switched on.]

Puppy Girl:  Mama!  Can I lick your leg while you're in the shower?  The warm water is sweet and soapy!  If I can just get my nose under the shower curtain I can... Got it!  Oooh!  Yummy!  Yummy!  Yummy!  

[Shower water switched off.]

Puppy Girl:  You done, Mama?  Can I lick your knees?  Yummy!  Yummy!

[Hairdryer goes on.  Fluffy Bear gets up.]

Puppy Girl:  I'm up here on the bed with you, Mama.  I'm just going to rest my eyes for a min..."

Puppy Dog:  ALPHA DOG IS UP!  SHADOWING IS GO!

For more Puppy Talk, click here. 

Puppy Talk - Ear cleaning

 

Puppy Girl:  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

Puppy Dog:  What are you screaming about?

Puppy Girl:  [Shaking head furiously]  Mama's putting stinky water in my ears!  Why, Mama, why?

Puppy Dog:  Just stand still.  There'll be treats after.

Puppy Girl:  But why?  WHY IS SHE DOING THIS?  STOP IT MAMA!

Puppy Dog:  It's to clean---

Puppy Girl:  AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!  The other ear!  The other ear!  I HATE YOU MAMA!

Puppy Dog:  [Sigh]  Just.  Stand.  Still.

Puppy Girl:  Now she's massaging this gross stuff into my ear?  Heavenly Dog!  What IS this?

Puppy Dog:  I was trying to tell you!  She's cleaning your ears!

Puppy Girl:  [Chomp, chomp]  Mmmmmm, treats...  BUT I STILL HATE YOU MAMA!

Puppy Dog:  Mama has to put that stuff into our ears because wax builds up in there and we can get sick.  [Shaking]  Brrrrlllllbbbbb!

Puppy Girl:  See?  See?  It's horrible.

Puppy Dog:  I never said I liked it.  I said she had to do it.  [Shaking]  Brrrrlllllbbbbb!

Puppy Girl:  How do you know all this stuff?  

Puppy Dog:  I know because I heard Mama and Dada talking about it.  

Puppy Girl:  Hmmph!  I still hate Mama.  I'm not talking to her.  Ever!

Puppy Dog:  Do you remember when you had to go to the vet that time?  And he looked in your ears?  And then you got medicine?

Puppy Girl:  Don't remind me!  That vet rubbed me all over and put his hands in my mouth and put things in my ears!

Puppy Dog:  Exactly.  That's cos you were sick.  And if Mama doesn't clean our ears, we get sick and you have to go to the vet again.

Puppy Girl:  I don't care!  I still hate Mama!  So there!

Puppy Dog:  Life isn't always a fatty scrap of barbecued steak, kid.  You'll learn.

Puppy Girl:  Oh whoop de doo!  When did Dog put YOU in charge?

Puppy Dog:  I'm bigger than you.  I'm older than you.  I'll ALWAYS be in charge, Dog or no Dog, so get used to it.

Puppy Girl:  Oh SHUT UP!

Puppy Dog:  Do you want me to pin you?  Do you?

Puppy Girl:  MAMA!  MAMA HE'S HURTING ME!  MAMA, PLEASE PICK ME UP AND CUDDLE ME!  I LOVE YOU MAMA!

Puppy Dog:  Stupid baby.

Puppy Talk - Santa Time

 

Puppy Girl:  Hey, big bro, what's Christmas?

Puppy Dog:  It's a big dog thing.  When you're older you'll understand.

Puppy Girl:  Aw, come on.  Tell me!  You've seen it before, right?

Puppy Dog:  [Indignant sniff!]  Of course I have!  I've seen it twice!

Puppy Girl:  Wow!  BOW wow wow!  So tell me - what's it all about?  What's it like?

Puppy Dog:  Well, it's a hairless ape thing.  They bring a tree that doesn't smell of anything out of a box from upstairs, and they put lights on it. 

Puppy Girl:  And balls!  Hanging, bobbling, shiny balls!

Puppy Dog:  Trust me, kid.  Don't try to play with those.  They're not for us.

Puppy Girl:  OK, whatever.  I've seen the funny smelling tree.  What else happens?

Puppy Dog:  Well they hang those big socks above the fire box and put stuff all over the house.

Puppy Girl!  I'M NOT BLIND!  I can see all that stuff.  What happens on the day?

Puppy Dog:  Well, there's strange white stuff called snow on the ground.  It's cold and it's lots of fun because it's soft and you can run around in it and play!

Puppy Girl:  Cooooooool!  What else?

Puppy Dog:  Well, on the big day Mama and Dada get up and take those funny boxes from under the tree.  If Mama put paper around the box, she gives it to Dada.  And if Dada put paper around the box, he gives it to Mama.  Then they take the paper off and pretend to be happy.

Puppy Girl:  What's in the boxes?  

Puppy Dog:  I dunno.  Hairless ape stuff.  Nothing insteresting.  I've smelled them all - there's no food.

Puppy Girl:  Booooooring.  What else?  What else?

Puppy Dog:  Then we get new toys!

Puppy Girl:  Toys?  I love toys!

Puppy Dog:  No kidding.

Puppy Girl:  TOTALLY SICK, DUDE!  What else?  What else?

Puppy Dog:  Then Uncle Bill comes and they open other boxes and eat a lot of food and drink that water that makes them walk silly.

Puppy Girl:  Do we get food?

Puppy Dog:  Just stay near the big table and be good.  They seem nicer with the scraps that day.

Puppy Girl:  ARFALICIOUS!  I love scraps!  What else?  What else?

Puppy Dog:  Then they sit in front of the flicker box and watch the little people.  Then they eat more and drink more and that's about it.  Then we go to bed.  Don't walk to close to them on the way to the bedroom... they stumble a lot.

Puppy Girl:  And the next day... what happens the next day?

Puppy Dog:  Same thing, except no new toys.  And there isn't new food... it's the food left from the day before.

Puppy Girl:  So what?  Even TEN day old food is good!  In fact, it smells way better!  Hey, are Mama and Dada are home all day?

Puppy Dog:  Yep.

Puppy Girl:  New toys, food, Mama and Dada home all day, fluffy white stuff to play in... IT SOUNDS DOGaTASTIC!

Puppy Dog:  Well, the tree is up and the cold box has a lot of food in it, so it must be close...

Puppy Girl:  Yaaaaay!  Christmas is coming!  Arooooooooooooooooooo!

Puppy Dog:  It's gonna be fun, I have to admit.

Puppy Girl:  [Bounce!]  Christmas is coming!  Arooooooooooooooo! Aroooooooooo!

Puppy Dog:  Yes, yes.  It's all very exciting.  But shhhh now.

Puppy Girl:  [Bounce!  Bounce!]  Christmas is coming!  Arooooooooooooooo! AROOOOOOOOOOOO!

Puppy Dog:  [Sigh.]  Maybe this is why Mama always says Christmas is a headache...

Puppy Talk - Sucky face and hairless apes

 

Puppy Girl:  EW!  Why does she do that?

Puppy Dog:  What?

Puppy Girl:  Try to suck my face off.  It's gross!

Puppy Dog:  You mean Mama?

Puppy Girl:  No, the Fairy Dogmother.  YES I mean Mama!  She bends over me and purses her fat hairless ape lips and makes a strange schlooping sound and leans in to suck my face!

Puppy Dog:  Sigh.  That's not what she's doing.  She's kissing you.  That's how hairless apes do it.  They don't lick like we do.

Puppy Girl:  Why not?  They have tongues, just like us!

Puppy Dog:  I don't know.  Maybe it's because their lips are so much bigger than ours.  Maybe they can't get them out of the way to let their tongue out far enough.

Puppy Girl:  Aw... they're deformed!

Puppy Dog:  Of course they are!  I mean, how about the hairless thing?  All those silly furs they have, all that time it takes to put them on, all that grunting when Mama tries to close those 'Jeans' things. We can just go outside whenever we want to.  

Puppy Girl:  I know!  And they can't run nearly as fast as we do.  Thank goodness they can go to that big house of food, because they sure as hell can't hunt with those big flabby legs.

Puppy Dog:  Have you ever seen them run?  Sometimes I run away from them just to see them klablobble after me out of the corner of my eye.  It's so funny!  

Puppy Girl:  They're so unstable standing on two legs!  Do you remember that time Mama fell over just because I wriggled a bit in her arms?  It was like a little earthquake when she toppled over!  Ha ha!

Puppy Dog:  And how about the howling?  When Mama howls at the music on the Flicker Box, my ears hurt!

Puppy Girl:  I know!  Whenever that Glee thing comes on the Flicker Box, I want to run away and hide!  Mama seems to think she can howl better than the little people inside the box, and she is so totally wrong!

Puppy Dog:  I think it's kinda funny...

Puppy Girl:  Hairless apes are sooooo weird.

Puppy Dog:  Yeah, but they got the food.  And the beds.  And the fireplace.

Puppy Girl:  I guess I can put up with some sucky face now and again.

Puppy Dog:  Now you're getting it...

Puppy Talk - Contractual obligation

 

Puppy Girl: Hey, what are you doing in Dada's office?

Puppy Dog: Nothing.  Go away.

Puppy Girl: I won't go away!  What are you doing?

Puppy Dog: None of your beeswax.  Go away.

Puppy Girl: Why are you sniffing Mama's papers?

Puppy Dog: I'm not.  Go away.

Puppy Girl: I won't go away!  Tell me what you're doing!

Puppy Dog: I'm trying to find it, OK?  It must be in here somewhere...

Puppy Girl: What?

Puppy Dog: Nothing.

Puppy Girl: What?  What?  What?  What?  What?  What?  What?

Puppy Dog: THE CONTRACT, OK?  THE CONTRACT!

Puppy Girl: What contract?

Puppy Dog: The one Mama and Dada signed with the lady we got you from.

Puppy Girl: What?

Puppy Dog: Are you deaf?  The.  Lady.  We.  Got.  You.  From.  Don't you remember?

Puppy Girl:  No, I don't.  I was a baby.  D'uh!

Puppy Dog: Well, I heard her tell Mama and Dada that you're guaranteed.  I want to find out the return policy.  Maybe there's an "irritating the living shit out of her brother" clause.

Puppy Girl:  I HATE YOU! 

Puppy Talk - The Water Lady

 

Puppy Dog: Good luck!

Puppy Girl: What?

Puppy Dog: I said... "Good luck."

Puppy Girl: What are you talking about?  We're going for a walk!  It's exciting!  You're just jealous 'cos Dada's only taking me today and not you.

Puppy Dog: Sure, right.  Enjoy your walk.  He he he...

Puppy Girl: OK.  I might still be a baby, but I know you know something.  Tell.

Puppy Dog: No, no, no.  You just go and have fun.

Puppy Girl: TELL ME!

Puppy Dog: I heard Dada talking into that black box he holds up to his ear.  You're going to the Water Lady.

Puppy Girl: Who?

Puppy Dog: The Water Lady.  She lives near here, but she has a very weird den.  She takes you in the back and puts you in the water and rubs on smelly stuff and then she blows air at you and then she puts a noisy thing against your claws and it tickles and then she puts a really stupid piece of hairless ape fur around your neck.

Puppy Girl: You're joking.  You're just trying to freak me out.

Puppy Dog: Nope.  

Puppy Girl: You're being so MEAN!

Puppy Dog: No, I'm not!  I'm trying to help you!

Puppy Girl: How do I get out of this?

Puppy Dog: You can't... trust me, I've tried.

Puppy Girl: Did you try running away?

Puppy Dog: Yep.

Puppy Girl: Did you try barking so loud that Dada took you back home?

Puppy Dog: Yep.

Puppy Girl: Did you try biting the water lady?

Puppy Dog: Yep.

Puppy Girl: OH.  MY.  DOG.  What can I do?

Puppy Dog: You just sit nicely till it's over.  And eat the treats she gives you.

Puppy Girl: Treats! You didn't say anything about treats!

Puppy Dog: Oh, didn't I?  I guess I forgot about that part.

Puppy Girl: No, you didn't!  You're so mean!  Anyway, if there are treats, maybe it won't be so bad.

Puppy Dog: Sure.  You tell yourself that.

Puppy Girl: I hate you!

Puppy Dog: You're my sister.  That's what you're supposed to do.  Here comes Dada with your leash, have fun!

Puppy Girl: I HATE YOU!

Puppy Talk - Bed time

 

Puppy Girl:  Mama?  Mama?  Please can I get up on your bed?

Puppy Dog:  It's bed time.  They aren't going to let you get up there.  Just go to your bed.

Puppy Girl:  Shut up!  They'll let me up!  They let me up 'cos I'm cute and small and a puppy.  Dada?  Dada?  Please can I come up?

Puppy Dog: You're wasting your time.

Puppy Girl:  Shut up!  Just leave... me... alone!  Mama?  Dada?  I'm over he-eeeere!  Please lift me up!

Puppy Dog:  There isn't enough room for you up there now, anyway.  You've got too big.  Just go to your bed.

Puppy Girl:  Shut up!  I'm ignoring you!  Mama?  Dada?  Please?  Please?

Puppy Dog:  OK, first, if you tell me you're ignoring me, you're not ignoring me.  Second, it's late and I'm tired.  Just be quiet and go to bed.

Puppy Girl:  SHUT UP!  Mama?  Mama?  Dada?  Dada?

Puppy Dog: Oh my Dog, I really miss the crate.

Puppy Girl:  Shuddup, shuddup, shuddup, shuddup!  Shut.  Up.  I'm a big girl, I don't need a crate!  Mama?  Please?  Dada?  Please?

Puppy Dog: I thought you were a cute puppy?

Puppy Girl:  Shuddup!  MAMA!  DADA!  PLEASE!  PLEASE!  They're ignoring me.

Puppy Dog: Told you so.  (Sigh.)  If you're a big girl, you should go to your big girl bed.

Puppy Girl: Um... Oh, OK...

Puppy Dog:  Oh, thank Dog.  

Puppy Girl: I actually quite like my bed.  (Yawn.)  

Puppy Dog: Good night.

Puppy Girl:  I hate... zzzzzzz.....

Puppy Talk - The Hungry Box

 

Puppy Girl:  What's going on?

Puppy Dog:  What now?

Puppy Girl:  Mama just opened the white box and all the hairless ape food bowls don't have food on them anymore!  I was licking them last night when Mama was putting food bowls in there, and it was yummy!

Puppy Dog:  You mustn't lick the food bowls that go in the white box!

Puppy Girl:  Why not?

Puppy Dog:  The white box is a monster!  It has to be fed every few days.  Mama and Dada feed it their left overs and then it makes a growly noise and all the hairless ape food bowls come out clean.

Puppy Girl:  It's a monster?

Puppy Dog:  Yes, like the Dysonmonster.

Puppy Girl:  But I want to lick the food bowls.

Puppy Dog:  You do that at your own risk.  One time, I was licking the food bowls and the monster closed it's flap all of a sudden and bonked me on the chin!  It hurt!  Mama said sorry, but it wasn't her fault.

Puppy Girl:  Wow...

Puppy Dog:  Yeah.  I was very brave, of course, because I'm a big boy.  So just stay away, puppy!

Puppy Girl:  I don't like all these monster in our house. 

Puppy Dog:  Yeah, I don't either.  But they come with the hairless apes, and they have the food.

Puppy Girl:  Yeah, and they scratch you behind the ears.

Puppy Dog:  Oh, yeeeeeah.

Puppy Talk - Missing out

 

Puppy Girl: [Hooooooowl]

Puppy Dog:  Why are you crying this time?

Puppy Girl:  [Sob]

Puppy Dog:  Come on.  You heard Mama.  It's Relaxy Time for puppies.  You have to stay in your crate and have a nap or chew your little toy.

Puppy Girl:  But... [Sniff!]  I can hear things...

Puppy Dog:  Of course you can hear things!  What are you talking about?

Puppy Girl:  I can hear things going on, and they're going on without meeeeeee  [Sob]

Puppy Dog:  Oh for Dog's sake!  There will always be things that go on without you.  Hairless apes do all sorts of strange things that don't include us.

Puppy Girl:  It's not fair.  [Sob]

Puppy Dog:  Would it make you feel better if I told you what Mama was doing?

Puppy Girl:  Oh.. [Sniff] OK.

Puppy Dog:  Mama carried these big teeth things out into the yard and took some moving steps with her.  

Puppy Girl:  Teeth things?  

Puppy Dog:  Yes, they were biting the plants, so they must be teeth.  Don't interrupt!

Puppy Girl: [Sniff]

Puppy Dog:  She climbed up on the moving steps and started to make the big teeth bite the ivy.

Puppy Girl: Weeeeeeeird.

Puppy Dog:  I know.  She wanted the ivy to die.

Puppy Girl:  Die?  Why?  I like to poop in the ivy!  She mustn't kill the ivy!

Puppy Dog:  Reeeeee-laaaax yourself to a panic, girl!  It was the ivy on the fence, not on the ground.  Anyway, she kept saying 'Die Bah Stud.'

Puppy Girl:  What's a Bah Stud?

Puppy Dog:  I don't know.  Maybe there were little animals called Bah Studs in the ivy.

Puppy Girl:  Come on.  We dogs are born with a knowledge of all plants.  I've never heard of Bah Studs.

Puppy Dog:  Well, Mama comes from a place far away.  Maybe they have a different name for bugs.

Puppy Girl:  Yeah, Mama's a ferner.

Puppy Dog:  Anyway, that's all you missed.  No big deal.

Puppy Girl:  NO BIG DEAL!  I missed out on seeing what a Bah Stud is!  [Hoooooooowl]

Puppy Dog:  Oh my Dog.  I'm going to my bed.  You're on your own.

Puppy Talk - The Pack Heirarchy

 

Puppy Girl:  Why does Mama say "Sh!" everytime I bark?  I'm a DOG.  I'm supposed to bark!

Puppy Dog:  Don't exaggerate.  She doesn't do it every time.

Puppy Girl:  Well she does it every time I bark at her from my potty enclosure!

Puppy Dog:  Exactly.  There are times when it's OK to bark, and times when it isn't.  That's one of the times it isn't.  I mean, come on, she's standing right in front of you!  You don't have to shout.

Puppy Girl:  Yeah... but how else am I supposed to tell her that I want to get out?  I tell her, I say: I want OUT! I want OUT!

Puppy Dog:  Yeah, you don't get to shout demands at Mama.  I don't think you're quite getting the pack hierarchy.

Puppy Girl:  Pack what?  That's a very big word...

Puppy Dog:  Hierarchy.  See, this is how it goes.  Dada is the Alpha Dog.  Mama is the Beta Bitch.  I am the Gamma Guy.  And you are the Delta Doggie.

Puppy Girl:  What?!

Puppy Dog:  Dada is first, the most important and the pack leader.  Mama is second.  I am third.  You are last.  You don't get to decide anything.

Puppy Girl:  AW, COME ON!

Puppy Dog:  That's how it works.

Puppy Girl:  That is just, wrong.  I'm the cutest one...

Puppy Dog:  OK, I'm just going to pin you down, now, till you get it.

Puppy Talk - Bathing etiquette

 

Puppy Dog:  You're wasting your time barking at the puppy gate.  She isn't coming out, and you aren't going in.

Puppy Girl:   How do you know?  Sometimes she come when I bark, so there.

Puppy Dog:  She's in the Water Room.  The hairless apes do stuff in there.  Can't you hear the hot rain?  And, trust me,  you don't want to go in there when the hot rain or the hot river flows.  Next thing you know, you're in the bath.

Puppy Girl:  The what?

Puppy Dog:  The BA-HA-HA-HARTH!

 Puppy Girl:  Why are you making a funny voice?

Puppy Dog:  Because the BATH is horrible.  They make you all wet and put smelly stuff on you and rub all over your body.  Oh wait - you have had a bath.  That time you pooped in your crate!

 Puppy Girl:  Hey! I couldn't help it.  I'm just a baby!

Puppy Dog:  Hmph!  Still disgusting.

Puppy Girl:  Well, you should know, from that time I pooped on your bed in your den!  HA HA!

Puppy Dog:  GRRRRRR!

Puppy Girl:  OK!  OK!  Let's just forget all that.  And anyway, I didn't mind it when Dada cleaned me.  It felt nice.

Puppy Dog:  What the hell are you?  Some kinda freak?  Dogs are not supposed to like baths!  The next time they try to put you in there, you wriggle, you whine, and you stand up without warning and SHAKE as hard as you can so you spray water in their face!

Puppy Girl:  Sounds like fun!

Puppy Dog: It is!

Puppy Girl:  OK!  I'll do it!

Puppy Dog:  Yeah, stick with me, Kid, I'll show you the ropes.