Workplace Personalities - Parents Lil Princess

 

Parents Lil Princess is called that for a reason.  

She isn't Mama's Lil Princess, because that would make her more about being a cutie pootie who expects doors opened, finger draping diamond rings, Jimmy Choos and generaally to be kept in the manner to which she would like to become accustomed without her having to do regular blow jobs.

She isn't Daddy's Lil Princess either, because that has an Oedipal connotation, and would make her more about finding a man to protect, worship and look after her who reminders her - consciously or unconsciously - of her father.

No, this is Parents Lil Princess, because they are both equally complicit in the fantasy that moulds her.  

To get a clear picture of this woman, imagine her at 5, or 6, or 7 years old.  She's at the annual ballet show that the teaching school puts on for the paying parents, allowing them to swoon over their little darlings and commit to another year of dance class fees.  Parents Lil Princess is dancing, in a line, with her classmates.  Of all of them, she is clearly not naturally talented.  This will not be another Darcey Bussell.  She's gangly, stumbles, perhaps even bumps the poor little girl on her left.

The Parents see none of this.  Video camera in hand, they are the only ones in the audience standing, and they're crooning loudly.  Mummy is probably crying, and Daddy is utterly smitten.

They firmly believe - with a faith stronger than a member of a suicide cult - that their daughter is a prodigy.  And it's not just about ballet.  Piano lessons, drama lessons, field hockey - name your poison -Parents Lil Princess is always the most adept child on the stage/field.  

Worst of all, they pass this belief onto the little girl in question.  Her indoctrination into the cult of her unquestionable ability is deeply ingrained over years and years.

Once Parents Lil Princess enters the workplace, her self-belief is entrenched.  Now remember, this is in no way proportional to her ability.  This combination renders her possibly even more difficult to deal with than The Paper Flower, because at least the flower knows she's incompetent while trying to hide it.  Parents Lil Princess, on the other hand, is blind to her limitations.

And so, the day comes when you ask her to do something for you.  Maybe it's Parents Lil Princess that needs to execute the task, maybe it's her team.  Either way, you are not going to get what you asked for.  Worse still, if you try to communicate that your needs have not been met, you are faced with utter incredulity.  I mean, come on, Parents Lil Princess is never wrong.  Her work is purrrrrrfect.  So how on earth did you not get exactly what you needed from her?  Does.  Not.  Compute.

If you feel annoyed by this, consider how bad it is for her team.  Her disproportionate sense of expertise and entitlement means that she can treat people however she wants to.  After all, her parents - supposed to be the authority figures in her life - gave her whatever she wanted and constantly made her feel uberspecial, so she sees everyone else as being not only less able than she is, but also in her service.  

If her team question her, she explodes.  If her team asks for guidance, she is incapable of giving it.  They are stuck between a rock and a hard place.  Worst of all, when they are working their asses off, Parents Lil Princess is spending the entire team budget on training or conferences in exotic places because she's the best, she's the most important and she's the designated Star.  Parents Lil Princess tends to have a high staff turnover on her team.  She doesn't see that as an indication of her being the problem, of course.  Every one else has the issues.  

The last thing to know about Parents Lil Princess that she has a very strong knife and she doesn't hesitate to stab it in anyone's back.  This is simply because nobody else can be right so, if they get in her way, they must be got rid of.  She feels perfectly justified in killing someone off.  They aren't, after all, as good as she is so there's no loss, right?  

To summarize...

Key signs:

• Confidence multiplied exponentially, to the point of narcissism
• Incomprehension when performance is questioned 
• Disproportionate sense of entitlement
• Screwing other people over with no sense of guilt, or even a sense that there should be a sense of guilt

Catch phrase: Of course I can do that!  I'll have it you to right away!

Your strategy: 

You have these choices.  If you can't go with No. 1, the others work best when combined:

1. Avoid
2. If you have to engage, try to make her feel like the expert - suck it up and be humble 
3. Make your instructions on the task as simple as possible - think Idiot's Guide
4. Cover your ass - all specifications and agreements regarding work must be in writing, preferably in email which she has to reply to, thereby confirming her commitment
5. Make friends with her boss so, if you ever have to escalate, you'll be believed, because her boss has had months, possibly years, of her telling him/her how wonderful she is

Their comeuppance:

Sadly, it'll only happen if her whole team finds a way to leave at once.  Only then will Parents Lil Princess' boss realize she's been bullshitting him all this time.

To read more in the Workplace Personalities series, click here.

You might like:

• The Mother Hen
• The Uppity Vendor

Workplace Personalities - The Paper Flower

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Like Lil Miss Congeniality, the Paper Flower is always a woman in the workplace.  Why a woman?  Well, for the same reasons Lil Miss Congeniality is always a woman.  The Paper Flower is the product of years (a minimum of 18 years) of indoctrination.  

 

Unlike boys, who are taught to be strong, to confidently clarify requirements for the task at hand, and to have a sense of entitlement, she has been taught that she has to make herself attractive to get attention and to get what she wants.   

 

The attractive part, though, isn't just about physical appearance.  Once she enters the workplace and is confronted with the reality of being expected to actually get things done, she transfers the skill to a sense of needing to always seem capable.

 

And so you'll ask the Paper Flower to do something, and she will never, ever refuse.  She will never ask clarifying questions and, most of all, she will never, ever admit that she needs help, let alone that the task is beyond her capabilities.  

 

And so, overwhelmed by something she does not know how to do, and has no experience of, she does four things:

 

1. She delays
2. She ignores assistance
3. She turns to Google
4. She hides her work in progress

The fourth coping mechanism means, of course, that there is no way you can help her.  She won't ask for help and she won't let you see her work because you may then realize, on your own, that she needs help.

The third ensures that she won't take any coaching from you even if you give it before your realize how crap she is, because that would also be an admission of her lack of capability.  Your emails which contain guidance on the task are steadfastly ignored.  

The second coping mechanism results in her spewing TLAs* and buzzwords which, in the context of the sentence that contains them, are just slightly left of center of how they ought to be used.

This is the only way you can confirm that you are dealing with a Paper Flower.  All the other habits described above can make you suspicious, but once she's in a meeting and says something that really shows ignorance of the root concept at hand, you've got her bang to rights.**

And that's when you see it.

The pretty flower isn't real.  What seemed like a strong stem is a thin dowel rod, the petals are expertly folded origami and, if you wanted to, all you need to do is stretch out your hand and you could crush this little flower in seconds.

But, of course, you're in a professional workplace, so you can't destroy her.

And so you suffer her on your project, knowing that her first coping mechanism is going to compromise your deadline, her second and third coping mechanisms are going to compromise your quality, and her fourth coping mechanism is going to ensure that you cannot mitigate any of it.

You also can't dob her in*** to her boss, because her tactics are so shrouded that you have very little evidence to support a request to have her removed.

Key signs:

• Volunteers for any task
• Once the task has begun, radio silence
• Any advice you give is ignored
• TLAs and buzzwords used excessively and incorrectly

 

Catch phrase: Sure, I can do that!

 

 

Your Strategy:

 

What to do?  Frankly, I wish I knew.  If you have any advice, let me know

 

  

Their comeuppance:

 

The only way I think The Paper Flower will start to wilt of her own accord is when deadlines are passed and she has to present her work to her peers or management.  Trouble is, if her work is part of your project, you're going down too.

 

 

 

*Three Letter Acronyms

 

**  To have enough proof to show that someone has done something wrong e.g. "I was driving way above the speed limit and the police radar caught me bang to rights"

 

*** Inform on her

 

 

 

For more in the Workplace Personalities series, click here.

 

You might like:

• The Ninja
• The Teflon Kid 

Workplace Personalities - Lil' Miss Congeniality

Beware of Lil' Miss Congeniality, for she is not what she seems.

It's easy to be fooled by her, I know.  After all, she's so sweet and bubbly and smiley and perky and she laughs, laughs, laughs all the time because - presumably - she is so very, very, very happy.

Miss Congeniality comes from the midwest of the United States.

Now, maybe you think I'm being unfair.  After all, surely all the Workplace Personalities that I have described in this blog could come from, and be found in, any country in the world.

Well, here's the thing.  I just don't believe that any other country on our little planet has as big a swath of land populated by as many down home, God-fearin' folks waving as many red, white and blue flags in their yards as the United States of Ah-mehr-ee-kah.

And these lands, these people and their God breed some very particular kinds of people. 

And then those people come to the Big City.

And then they get a job in a Big Company.

And they have to figure out how to survive in a world of sushi and opera and Democrats and meetings and networking and office politicking.

They're in a strange land.  

Gay people are out in the open, teams gather over cocktails at Happy Hour, colleagues quote Rachel Maddow and Keith Olbermann openly over the water cooler and nobody - nobody! - ever starts a gathering of any kind with a prayer.

And so Lil' Miss Congeniality, she finds a way - for we are a strong people, Lord, and we always find a way - to function, to cope, even to thrive.  And, most of all, a way to hack people down with a sweetie pie smile and walk, head held high with absolute decorum, over their bodies to the top of the ladder.

Now why, I hear you ask, is this workplace personality necessarily a "Miss"?  Why a woman?  

The answer is simple: Lil' Miss Congeniality is a product of her upbringing.

Yes, we've come a long way, Baby, but women still have a long, long way to go.  With each generation we have tried to shed our shackles but here we are in the Noughties, and we find ourselves, as Senator Kirstin Gillibrand said recently:

"... literally fighting the same battles of our mothers and our grandmothers."

Knowing your Value special edition of Morning Joe on MSNBC

And so, even though she was born in the 60s, or 70s, or even 80s, Lil' Miss Congeniality has, immediately after exiting the womb, been warned off taking risks, brought up to be task driven rather than strategic and taught that she should be a nice, polite, sweet little girl.  Because that's how you get rewarded, and that's how you get attention.  

Of course, you can also attract attention through your sexuality, but that would make you a slut, and we all know how that ends, don't we?

And so we end up with a monster cunningly disguised as a charming lady.

Key signs:

• Tinkling laughter
• Long hair - either prom or pageant queen style
• Home baked goods brought into the office
• Wearing pastels
• Constantly interrupting you
• Long stories holding you captive at your desk in a fake show of bonding
• Disguised put downs 

This last key sign is the is kicker.  It can be very hard to spot.  But it's the one thing that you need to watch out for, because it's the peek behind the mask to the evil beneath.  

Remember, Lil' Miss Congeniality will stab you in the back with a winning, whiter than white smile.  She was taught to rub Vaseline on her teeth to force her to hold that picture perfect grin, so looking friendly while she slits your carotid artery is child's play to her.

So watch carefully for:

• Sentences that, on first hearing them, sound like a compliment but aren't, always followed by the tinkly laugh:

"My goodness you type our meeting minutes so fast!  Are you sure you're not the queen of the admins?  Tee hee hee hee hee hee!"

• Undermining you in front of others, followed by a tinkly laugh e.g. after you've sent feedback on a colleague's document that he sent to the team for review, announcing across the cube farm:

"I just saw the feedback email from [insert your name here] and I was just thinking that you've probably had just about enough feedback on that report now, haven't you Steve?  Tee hee hee hee hee hee!"

Here's the very worst thing about Lil' Miss Congeniality.  She is the most vile perpetrator of anti-female sexism, because she freely undermines other women in the workplace.  

Catch phrase: Tee hee hee hee hee hee!

Your Strategy: 

Don't work with her if at all possible.  Do you think you're capable of becoming a snake charmer without being bitten?  Exactly!  Get away from her.

Their comeuppance:

It's unlikely to happen.  People are generally fooled by her down home saccharine and consider her to be a darling little country girl.    

To read more in the Workplace Personalities series, click here.

You might like: 

• The Stalker
• The Arsonist

Workplace Personalities - The Tank

 

The Tank is a lot like The Arsonist, just more visible.  

Did I say visible?  That's an understatement.  The Tank can't be missed, can't be ignored, can't be escaped.  Just like on the battlefield, the Tank is utterly petrifying.

The Tank may or may not be physically imposing, but often is.  Tall, or wide, or both.  The Tank can barge through anything in it's way.  God help you if you are between the Tank and the elevator doors when it's late for a meeting.  You'll be squished to a pulp.

But the physical threat is not the worst of it.

The Tank can only see through his point of view.  All it sees is where it's going, its target.  If you are in the way, and smaller than it is (and let's face it most of us are), it is going to roll right over your career with its caterpillar tracks.

The Tank isn't as important as it thinks it is - after all, it's just one piece of artillery in the company arsenal - but it's all-terrain, it comes fully loaded, and it bloody well knows it.

The Tank has always been there.  Leonardo Da Vinci drew one.  H. G. Wells wrote about one.  Joseph Hawker patented one in 1872.

The Tank has fought and come through all the major wars.  Sure, they can come up with stealth bombers, nuclear submarines... so what?  When it comes to the battlefield, when we are one on one with the enemy, they always bring in the fucking Tank.

It's outer shell is impenetrable, it's progress is assured, and nothing can stand in it's way.

The Tank.

The fucking, shitty, unstoppable Tank.

That cannon on the front.  You know it's there to make up for a deficiency in the wiener department, but that doesn't change the fact that it can blow your head off.  So laugh and mock it all you want - in your head.  

Because just try and say anything out loud, to one of your colleagues (even in jest) against the Tank and you'll find out that everyone is terrified of it, and they'll tell you, furtively stealing glances to make sure they aren't being watched, that the Tank may be a little rough and ready, it might knock over a few promising things as it bumbles along, but that we need the Tank, really, really we do.  

Why the fear?

Surely the rest of us outnumber the Tank.  We could swarm it, overtake it.  Right?  Right?

Sadly, no.

Because, you see, the Tank has always been here, and it knows.  The Tank knows the terrain.  The Tank can climb hills, cross dales, ford streams.  The Tank has been called upon by the generals and, time and time again, the Tank has won battles for them.  Sure, there was collateral damage, but the Tank got the brass what they wanted, and it knows where the bodies are buried.  

So it's no use complaining to the higher ups.  They'll defend the Tank.

There always has been, and there always will be, the Tank.

So what to do?

You can't make friends with a Tank.  Impenetrable exterior, remember?  

I mean, come on!  Have you ever seen anyone petting a tank?  

Nope.

You can't outrun the Tank.  Sure, it's slow.  Yes, it kinda lumbers along.  But it always gets there, doesn't it?  It always gets there in the end.

And when it catches up to you, you're going down, baby.

You can't face it down, either.  Good luck trying.  

I think we all know what happened to this guy:

And so all you can do is stay the hell out of it's way.

The tank only has those little slats to see through, so if you duck low enough, and dive to the right or left, it might just roll on by without noticing you.  Try to fight in a different part of the battlefield, a part where you have the chance to seek glory, to get the gold star.  

Let the Tank lumber on.  Let it crush.  Let it mame.  There's nothing you could've done for those people anyway.

Save yourself.

Key signs:

• Relentless progress  
• Strategic advances, always gaining political ground
• Ruthless
• Crushing

Catch phrase: There isn't one.  That'd mean you'd see him coming.

Your strategy:  Hide.

Their comeuppance: 

 They won't have a comeuppance as such but, in a workplace that is moving more towards collaboration, they will become obsolete in the end.

For more in the Workplace Personalities series, click here.  The others are funnier, I promise.  I'm just not in a happy mood right now.  I got squished by a Tank.

You might like:

• The Driveby
• The Urban Warrior

Workplace Personalities - The Ninja

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

The Ninja is a person who has a very rich life outside of work, and a probably a fascinating life in general.  But you'll never know about all of it.

  

Usually an alumni (if that's the right word) of the armed forces, the Ninja is a finely honed, fit and toned, fighting machine.  He is a black belt in something that has trained him to kill an attacker in 0.3 seconds with 4 strategically placed blows.

  

The Ninja wears tailored clothes, because off the peg shirts and suits don't fit him.  His shoulders are too wide, his thighs are too big, his stomach is too tight to fit into a standard pair of Lucky jeans or a Hugo Boss suit.  

  

The Ninja may make oblique references to military missions in days past but, obviously, he can't tell you too much, which only adds to the air of mystery and veiled threat that wafts around him.  While you come in on a Monday ready to chat about the latest crappy Hollywood blockbuster that you paid $12 to be disappointed by, surrounded by etiquette-free movie-goers chomping stale popcorn swimming in rancid, fake butter, he regales you with tales of his latest martial arts tournament, where ribs were bruised, noses broken and egos shattered.  Not his, of course.  No.  He won the bout.

  

Probably due to his checkered past, the Ninja has a very strong sense of humor.  He sees through the corporate bullshit to the cynical comic gem beneath, and doesn't hesitate to point it out with a pithy statement, as artfully aimed as any sniper's lethal bullet.  If you have even the vaguest sense of the absurdity of modern life, you will find the Ninja utterly hilarious.  And, even if you don't, you should probably laugh along anyway.  Better to be with him than against him.

  
For obvious reasons, the Ninja takes no shit from anybody and, on observing his tight muscles, and even more tightly wound temper, people don't tend to give him shit in the first place.

 

 

Key signs:

• Great body
• Military terms may occasionally pepper his conversation
• Secrecy as a default attitude
• If he shares them, incredible stories from his weekend

Catch phrase: You can't narrow it down to only one.  If you could, though, it would be very, very sarcastic.  

  

 

Your Strategy: Placate

 

  

Their comeuppance:  

 

There probably won't be one.  Everyone's too damn petrified of him to engage in political battle, let alone a war.

  

  

  

For more in the Workplace Personalities series, click here.

 

You might like:

• The Curmudgeon
• The Uppity Vendor

    

Workplace Personalities - The Teflon Kid

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is a particularly annoying workplace personality.  I'd have to say that, of all the personalities, this is the one I hate the most.

 

The Teflon Kid is different to the Yes Man.  He is infinitely worse than the Yes Man.

 

Everyone recognizes the Yes Man for what he is.  He is taken advantage of, overloaded with work and never promoted.  Whenever he speaks in a meeting people roll their eyes because they know what's coming - acquiescence spiced with fake enthusiasm.

 

The Yes Man, if he ever has time to actually finish a piece of work before being given the next one, can actually complete a task with reasonable competence.

 

Not so the Teflon Kid.

 

This is a different animal.

 

Because, fundamentally, at the root of it all, the Teflon Kid is a raging moron.  

 

Wait.  That's not right.  Because if it was that simple, the Teflon Kid would be fired.  And he never, ever, ever is.

 

The Teflon Kid may be clever, or maybe not.  He may be able to complete a task, or maybe not.  You'll never know.

 

Because - here's the thing - the Teflon Kid NEVER.  EVER.  DOES.  ANYTHING.

 

See, he is Teflon coated.

 

NOTHING STICKS.

Work doesn't stick

 

When the Teflon Kid is in a meeting and actions are handed out, any task you try to assign to him is deflected.  It's as if he has a force field.  

 

 "Shouldn't Bob take care of that?"  he'll ask.  "He has much more expertise than I do in this area."

 

 

Jobs don't stick

 

Nobody is 100% sure what the Teflon Kid actually does.  He's seen in a lot of meetings, he refers to the enormity of his Inbox, the senior managers all seem to know him by name.

 

But who does he report to?  What's his remit?  Why is he suddenly in your meeting?

 

It's a mystery.

 

And, just when you've wondered for the fiftieth time what the hell the guy's job actually is, he's named in an email of sideways shuffles or minor promotions, as having moved to another group and bringing his "wealth of knowledge" to a different initiative.  

 

You can't help but wonder if he bothers to have business cards printed, because the ink wouldn't dry before they had to be redone.

  

  

Most of all, shit doesn't stick  

 

A project can go utterly, disastrously wrong.  The funding will be pulled.  The consultants will be dispatched.  At least three employees will be fired.  At least two will be demoted in the next round of Annual Performance Reviews.  The documentation - pages and page of requirements and functional specs and test plans and stakeholder analysis - will be archived, never to be seen again.

 

But the Teflon Kid?  He emerges from the shit storm, like a superhero walking, silhouetted, backed by rousing violin music, from a burning building.

 

He moves on, usually just before the bottom falls out, to another project, in some vague role with an even vaguer title. 

  

Key signs:

• Never the one where the buck stops
• Always moving around the company
• Never, ever disagrees with the boss in meetings

    

Catch phrase: "I completely agree... "

 

  

Your strategy:

  

Unfortunately, the Teflon Kid cannot be ignored, which would be a very comforting strategy if only you could pull it off.  He can't be ignored because there he is, for no good reason, in your meeting, asking you an asinine question in front of everyone, catching you on the back foot.

  

And there he is in the corridor, in the elevator, in the lunch room, coming up to say hello, shake your hand and make some comment about some project or other that, by his tone, he makes you feel you ought to know more about.

  

And so, what I suggest is this:  Run, or Hide.

  

If the Teflon Kid comes onto your project, RUN.  Leave.  It's going to fail.  How else will he pull his phoenix shit off?  Get outta there!  

  

If you are working in a different area from him, HIDE.  Try not to get on the Teflon Kid's radar.  If he comes by, don't tell him what project you're working on.  Never schedule a meeting in a conference room on his floor.  Keep him as far away from your work as humanly possible.

   

Because if any shit flies, of any sort, it's going to bounce right off him and hit you.  

  

IN.  THE.  EYE.  

  

  

Their comeuppance:  

 

There isn't a macro one.  As the Teflon Kid is passed on by manager after manager who pretends he's great to get rid of him, he floats sideways in the company, hither and thither.

 

There is, however, a micro one.  Ask the Teflon Kid for his opinion on an issue in a meeting before the boss has expressed his, and watch him squirm.

  

 

To read more in the Workplace Personalities series, click here.

   

You might like:

• The Office Stalker   
• The WIC

Workplace Personalities - The Golden Child

You know the type I'm talking about.

He always looks good - even on dress down Fridays the T-shirt he wears is uberkewl.

He never says the wrong thing. 

You're standing between the cubes, it's Friday afternoon, and everyone is laughing at some story or other.  Team member one make a slightly dirty - but very funny - comment, and team member two counters with something just as dirty and just as funny.  The Golden Child opens his mouth and you think - finally! - he's going to say something non-PC.  He takes a breath in... then stops himself.  His self-control never wavers.

If you pass his desk and look down at a presentation he's prepared, you realize that is work is annoyingly, bafflingly, utterly impeccable.  He's managed to fit research, options and ROI onto one sheet - in color. 

"How does he do it?" you ask yourself.

• Does he work from home every night?
• Does he have better experience or education than I do?
• Does he have an abnormally high IQ?

You watch him in meetings, trying to follow his train of thought and how he got to that excellent question, that perfectly phrased feedback.

You have conversations over coffee, asking him advice, telling yourself you can learn from him, he can mentor you, even if he is seven years younger than you are.

You try to find out his secret, his method, his Mojo. 

But nothing works.

He just is.

He's a phenomenon, slipping like 4 stroke oil through the corporate machine, fitting in with everyone and everything.

And you hate him.

With a passion.

Key signs:

• Workplace Mojo
• More workplace Mojo
• Even more workplace Mojo

Catch phrase: There isn't one.  Depending on the situation, he just always says exactly the right thing.

Your strategy:

 Try to imitate.  Asking for advice directly is a waste of time.  I'm not sure even he knows how he does it.  If you have to, write down what he says so you can later copy his turn of phrase.  If you can, work for him.  Hitch your career to his wagon - he's going places.

Their comeuppance:

 There isn't one.  This guys climbing the ladder, Baby.  Upwards and onwards. 

To read more in the Workplace Personalities series, click here.

You might like:

• Lil Miss Congeniality
• The Ninja

Workplace Personalities - The Party Planner

 

There's one in every office.  

A woman who loves to arrange parties.

Birthdays, Baby Showers, Bridal Showers, Halloween, Christmas.

Hell, she'd celebrate the summer solstice, Chinese New Year, Seder and the International Day of Fart Appreciation if she could.

She is the one who keeps the list of birthdays, who makes sure she downloads the national holiday add-in for Outlook, who keeps a stash of paper plates, plastic table cloths and decorations in the supply closet.

She's always at your desk, asking you to sign a card, pony up for a gift and make time to come to a meeting room where garish helium balloons bob, adorned with whatever words describe the celebration of the day.

But it doesn't stop there.

Oh, no.

She bakes.

No last minute stop at the grocery store for stale cupcakes for this lady.

There's a lemon poppy seed loaf wrapped in foil, cupcakes iced with colored sprinkles on a pink plastic platter or a special Tupperware container that has a base and a domed lid (something you never even know you could buy), prised open to reveal a perfect apple pie.

And then there are the times when special attention is required, like a wedding shower.

These call for flowers from her garden, beautifully arranged in vases, with yellow or pink ribbons tied around them.

Sometimes, you get sick of the Party Planner asking you contribute to yet another gift for someone you hardly know and, let's face it, annoyed the living shit out of you the last time you were in a meeting together.

Sometimes, you sigh as you try, yet again, to think of something witty and amusing - yet still workplace appropriate - to write in another bland greeting card.

Sometimes, you wonder how the Party Planner ever gets any work done.

But then, your birthday comes around and, as you bite into fresh, home-made chocolate bund cake, you're glad she's on your team.

Key signs:

• Baking
• A stash of party accoutrements in a cabinet drawer, available at the drop of a hat
• Faffiness

Catch phrase: We should celebrate!

Your Strategy:  Let her arrange the damn party.  She enjoys it, and you get to eat cake.

Their comeuppance:

 Well, they aren't really that respected playing, as they do, such a very cliched female role.  So they might get canned in a reorganization.  But, other than that, they're safe.  People like their home baked muffins. 

For more Workplace Personalities, click here.

You might like:

• The Mother Hen
• The Triple S

Workplace Personalities - The Office Stalker

 

What is it with the Office Stalker?

He works in a different department, he sits on a different floor, he has a meeting schedule that has no overlap with yours whatsoever.

And yet...

Wherever you go, there he is.

In the elevator.

At the coffee stand.

Worst of all, coming towards you in the corridor.

The first few times you pass each other, it's the normal greeting.  

"Good morning." if it's before noon, and a smile if its after.  

As you start to recognize each other, there's a honeymoon period where the exchange has a sing song quality, and the smiles widen.  The greeting gets more complicated although, as you don't even know each others' names, you tend to say them at the same time, a harmony-free duet:

"Good morning. How are you? Fine, thanks."

Then, without warning, it starts to get a bit old.

Frankly, you're sick of seeing each other.

The smiles get thin, and the "Good morning" slowly deteriorates: first "Mornin'", then "Ng" and, finally, a whispered grunt.

Finally, the eye avoidance starts.  You recognize his gait from 20 feet away and start walking faster, thinking busy thoughts, starting at your notepad or fixing your gaze to the floor.

You used to think he was kinda cute... now you're not sure if you didn't catch a whiff of BO as he sidled past.

Why is this guy always where you are?

Why does he get coffee when you do?

Why - for God's sake! - WHY does he go to the bathroom when you have to?

It's just not right.

And so you start to change your routine.  You wait an extra half hour in the morning before buying your latte, you start using the stairs, you walk the long way round to meeting room 6B.

And it works!  You don't see him for three whole weeks!

And then, just when you let your guard down, you get into the elevator to go up 13 floors and there he is.

Shit!

Key signs:

• You see him at least twice a day

Catch phrase:  "Ng."

Your strategy:  Keep changing your routine.  Or change jobs.

Their comeuppance:  There isn't one.  You can't prove anything.

For more Workplace Personalities, click here.

You might like:

• The Indy
• The Phantom

Workplace Personalities - The Mother Hen

 

Mother Hen takes on the role unbidden.  Nobody needs her to play mom, nobody asked her to play mom, but she does and, in spite of ourselves, sometimes we enjoy it.

Mother Hen makes sure the team has a birthday calendar and that there's a card that goes round for everyone to sign.  She stands over you, clucking, as you desperately try to think of something interesting to write that isn't un-PC.  After all, you don't want to be that guy who just puts an illegible signature on the card...

Mother Hen chastises you for using paper cups and plastic cutlery (flatware) when you could bring in a mug, a knife, a fork and a spoon from home.  This attack comes out of the blue, shocking you because you just went to the kitchen to get some water, and you were filling up the paper cup you've been using for two weeks.  The Mother Hen's indignation shows in the vicious energy of her scrubbing her plate in the sink, and you back away, not daring to argue, retreating to the relative safety of your cube.

Mother Hen can be useful, though.  She's been in the company a looooooong time.  She knows everyone and everything, and there's nothing she likes more than being asked for help.  It's a validation of her knowledge, her position, her authority.

Speaking of authority, don't be fooled by Mother Hen's job title.  She may be below you on the ladder but her length of service is rewarded with money (she probably earns a lot more than you do, even if it's just from share options) and respect.  Let's face it, she knows where the bodies are buried.

But I'm getting off track.  Back to asking Mother Hen for help.

She loves to play the Oracle, and she is always approachable and very nice when you ask for help, no matter how busy she is.  

Oh, fuck, let's just call a spade a spade.

She's never really THAT busy.  Mother Hen has the work-life balance thing down, Baby.

But I'm digressing again.

You can find out ANYTHING from Mother Hen.  But, there's a price to pay.  No matter what you ask - even if it's a yes/no question - you're going to have to sit through a mini history lesson.  Where to look, who to call, what to do - you're not going to find out until you've heard how it used to be, why it changed and a quote from at least one senior executive involved in the change.  It's all part of your education, you see.

Just like with your own mom, there are days when you want to claw Mother Hen's eyes out.

But then she remembers to ask if you are feeling better after that headache you had yesterday, or brings a cookie to your cube, and you love her again.

Cluck.

Cluck. 

Key signs:

• Extensive knowledge of company history
• Somewhat out of date fashion sense
• Trapping you in her cube for a minimum of 100% more time than you have to chat
• Tut-tutting

Catch Phrases: Before I answer your question, let me just give you a little background 

Your Strategy:  Suck it up.  I mean - come on! - did a "strategy" ever work with your real mother? 

Their comeuppance:

There isn't one.  The Mother Hen has a very powerful network.  Besides, she's not that irritating, and at least she has good knowledge to share.

For more Workplace Personalities, click here.

You might like: 

• 3P - Pathalogically Proud Parent
• The Triple S

Workplace Personalities - The Uppity Vendor

 

 

 

 

 

This is usually a vendor who is working on site, for a reasonable period of time, on a fixed project. They become part of the team - as they should be - and are involved in key meetings, project updates, etc.

But, somewhere along the line, they forget that they are a vendor and, rather than espousing the positive corporate values of "collaboration", "best practice", hell, even "mentoring", they choose to just come out and tell you how to do your job.

These little golden nugget unsolicited advice sessions can often be identified broken down into these phases...

Phase 1 - the Assertive Opener:

"I just wanted to synch with you on..."

"I think we should have a quick debrief on..."

"I'd like to share some feedback with you on..."

 

Phase 2 - The It's Not Just You - Honest - Reassurance:

"in my experience"

"look, I often make the same mistake"

"this is a common problem in all organizations"

"I'm not singling you out."

Phase 3 - The Qualifier:

"but..."

 

Phase 4 - The How To Suck Eggs Intro:

"you could try approaching it with..."

"I think we'd get more positive feedback if you..."

"Our team would have a higher profile if you..."

Phase 5 - The Annoying Advice

Actual content depends on the meeting that just took place, the project you're working on, etc.  But no matter what the content, it's condescending, tells you nothing you don't know already and is told to you with no assumption tha you would ever have a which underlies your approach.

Phase 6 - The Fake CYA:

"Of course, you know this organization better than me so..."

"I know you may have already thought about this..."

"Tell me if you disagree. We should be completely honest and open with each other..."

"I know I'm preaching to the choir here..."

 

Phase 7: Reiteration of The Annoying Advice

See Phase 5.

            

I have a friend - let's call her Sue - who has had to put up with this frequently.  She has invented a surefire way to stop these awkward little sessions happening in her working life.

She looks the vendor straight in the eye and says:

"So fire me."

Key Signs: 

• False modesty
• Condescending tone
• Placating phrases
• Overstepping

Catch Phrases: "Let's just blue sky this for a minute..."  

Your Strategy:   

• Smack 'em in the face with Sue's approach, above and/or...
• Give them seemingly important tasks which have no real bearing on the project 

Their comeuppance:  

Wait till contract renewal and explain to your boss that the vendor - with you having given them, for months, tasks that add no value, that engaging the vendor is not worth departmentmental budget 

For more Workplace Personalities, click here

You might like: 

• The Indy
• Parents Lil Princess

Workplace Personalities - The Indy

How this person manages to get their work done is a mystery.

  

How they don't get themselves killed is also a mystery.

  

Because this is the person who comes into work on a Monday morning with stories of exploits, adventures and shenanigans which make you feel exhausted just listening to them.

  

They don't just stand in the crowds at the airshow - they fly in it.

  

They don't just go and see the pyramids - they do it on horseback.

  

They don't just go fishing - they fly their own plane and land on a sandback by the river.

  

Talking to this person is always fascinating and, if you are of the Couch Potato persuasion, you can experience a soupcon of life on the edge by living vicariously through them.

  

No SUV, no kids, no negative equity McMansion.

  

Nope.

  

This person is young and fit and brave. And when they're finished telling you about what they did last night, you can always ask about their previous life.

  

They once worked security and played bodyguard to Madonna.

  

They once played lead in a production of Phantom of the Opera.

  

They once flew a sick kid to his chemo appointment and, although it isn't strictly in the manual, flew him upside down for kicks.

  

Everything I have written here, believe it or not, is about one person I used to work with. 

 

I am waiting for the day that he actually does eat monkey brains.

 

 

Key signs:

• Constant international travel to dangerous locations
• A large stash of hard core survival travel gear
• Owns a plane or boat or jetski or other hardcore sports machine

 

Catch Phrases:

• I had to land my plane with no instruments last night
• When I was riding the horse to the pyramids... 

 

Your Strategy: Take them for coffee, sit back, listen and enjoy.

 

 

Their comeuppance:  Comeuppance?  Don't make me laugh!  Indy would kick the living shit out of anyone who attempted to deliver a comeuppance!

  

 

For more Workplace Personalities, click here 

 

You might like:

• The Ninja
• The Curmudgeon

 

Workplace Personalities - The Arsonist

 

Everyone loves a firefighter. They go above and beyond the call of duty, they do whatever it takes, they jump right in and fix things. They are brave, they are strong, they are heroes.

It's no different in the corporate workplace.

Just like in the real world, the firefighter jumps right in when a system goes down, when a project goes wrong, when a reporting deadline looms.

Just like in the real world, the firefighter works long hours and deals with the burning of long flame emails.

Just like in the real world, not all fires in the corporate world are started through a freak act of nature.

Nope.

Some fires are started by Arsonists.

And again, just like in the real world, Arsonists can be very hard to identify.

But, after you work with someone for a while, and you just can't understand why they are always telling scary stories about awful things, why they are always working weekends and why it's always up to them to be the hero and save the day.

Because, here's the thing.

They start the problem. They send the first incendiary email, they are the first to escalate to management, they are the first to talk of impact to revenue, wider consequences, cost overruns.

They don't see the glass half empty.  The glass is empty, cracked and filled with gasoline which will just take one teeny tiny match to turn a mild challenge into the Towering Inferno.

Let me give you an example.  You have a project.  You have 3 developers assigned.  One developer has to take time off unexpectedly because his baby is born premature.  You had a perfect project plan.  You had set things up so when the actual paternity time was due, you'd be at a stage when you needed fewer developers.  But that was meant to be six weeks from now.  

And so you sit the team down, you explain the situation, you say you're going to get more help.  You discuss and agree a plan for the next week, which is a reassignment and re-prioritization of tasks.  You already have at least three ideas of how to fix this, so you don't give anyone any overtime.  You don't ask anyone to do anything that isn't their core skill.  They just have do different things in a different order.  

Off everyone goes, all hands to the pump.  Off you go, to speak to your peer managers and your department HR person to find out if there's anyone from another team who is on a little downtime between projects, and can be spared.  

Three days later and - woo hoo! - you're in luck.  There's a guy.  There's a gal.  Whichever.  He/she can start in 7 days.  It takes a day to dot the Is and cross the Ts.

Now you're ready to announce to your team in the morning meeting the following day that they'll get the help they need really soon.  And they'll have that help for the next two months.  

So, let's recap.  It's day four of the re-prioritization.  On day five the team is going to hear about the mitigation plan.  

But you've forgotten the Arsonist.  He has met your boss at the water cooler on day three, and dropped some snide comment about how hard the team is working now that they are a man down, and how the project is starting to drop behind the plan.  The Arsonist tells the boss that it's ok, though, because he's planning to work this weekend to make sure the whole team can catch up.

And now you're fucked.  

There was never an issue.  But the boss thinks there was, even though you explain that you have a new person starting in a week, it seems like you're scrambling and it's all too little too late.   

PHOOM!  There go the flames.

The Arsonist is, in short, an extremely dangerous individual.

Why do they do it?

Perhaps they like the attention.  Perhaps they find their day to day life boring.  Perhaps they have issues that date back to their childhood.

It doesn't matter.  They've lit a fire under your career and you are running around like a cartoon character trying to blow out flames on their butt.

Key signs:

• Constant complaining about impending doom
• Constant overtime
• Tattle tale
• Filling up airtime in meetings explaining, in painstaking detail, examples of where things have gone wrong, in similar situations, in the past

Catch Phrase:  This isn't going to work

Your Strategy: Keep as far away as possible. Remember the Arsonist starts the fire so he or she can be the hero Firefighter. Get close, and you'll get burned.  The minute you identify an Arsonist, find a way to never have them on your team again.  

Their comeuppance:  

Well, nobody likes constant negativity so, over time, the Arsonist becomes unpopular, and may even morph into the Curmudgeon.  Slowly but surely, the Arsonist may be edged out into some job where he or she is working on something on their own.  

They become known as a crabby old fart who has to be tolerated because they've been doing the same job for so long that they are the expert.  But nobody takes them too seriously because they're old and in a mid-tier position and pretty much sidelined.

For more Workplace Personalities, click here.

You might like:

• The Curmudgeon
• The WIC

Workplace Personalities - The Driveby

How this person keeps their job is a mystery, because they never seem to do any work. Instead, they trap you in your cube with a drive by conversation.

At least in the corridor you can take steps backwards and increase the distance between you until the person takes the hint. With a Driveby, unless you have a meeting to get to, you have nowhere to run.

They come up to your cube, interrupting what you are doing, and start to chat.

Sometimes, the conversation starts with a supposed work question, but don't be fooled. The Driveby is using you to avoid doing their own work, and so will extend your conversation as long as possible, which is easily done if they start to talk about personal things.

The Driveby is a master of association. Whatever short, pithy answer you give to the drivel spewing from their lips, they will think of some association that sparks yet another story.

The most dangerous day of the week for being trapped by the Driveby is Monday, because that justifies the killer question: How was your weekend?

The correct answer is always: "Great!" followed by turning back to your computer screen and typing furiously or, even better, reaching for your phone and starting to dial any number you can think of.

Do not say: 

• Great, how about yours?
• Great, we had a BBQ.
• Good - great weather on Saturday, wasn't it? 

Any of these answers opens you up to twenty minutes of entrapment - minimum.  Not only that, but you enter the perilous territory of Overshare.  You'll hear about the family, the extended family, even stories from the family history.  And God help you if the "my friend" stories come out.  Now you're up to thirty minutes.

That urgent email you had to answer?  Good luck with that. 

Key signs: It's pretty obvious.  They're either standing in your cube, or body blocking you in the hallway.

Catch phrase: How are you today?  Just thought I'd come say Hi!

Your Strategy:

Option 1: Turn your back or grab your phone, as described above.

Option 2: Pretend you have a meeting, gather up your laptop and papers and walk away from your cube. The Driveby will follow you, so make sure you go past another cube, say hi to the poor bugger inside it and then Driveby will start talking to them instead of you. Then go hide in an empty meeting room for half an hour. When you come back, avoid walking past the cube where you deposited Driveby, as they'll still be there.

Option 3: Say you have to go to the bathroom.  This doesn't always work - I once had a female Driveby follow me in.

Option 4: Have your own phone number programmed into your cellphone and find a way to push the right buttons to call yourself on your desk phone.

Option 5: This is a spin on the Woman Party Save.  When we go out in groups, we have a signal that we use if we've been trapped by a guy we aren't interested in.  At the bar, on the dance floor, anywhere. One small wave or look and our friends step in faster than Delta Force.  Set up a sign with your next cube neighbor.  Of course, if they are away at a meeting, you're fucked.

Option 6: Say "I'm sorry, I have to finish this email." or "Hey, good to see you, but I have to get back to my report to meet the deadline."  Unfortunately, these excuses can lose their clout over time.  It doesn't make sense that you'd have an urgent thing to attend to every day at the very time the Driveby is chatting with you.

So, overall, I'd suggest combining these options in your defence arsenal.

Their comeuppance:  There isn't one.  Everyone thinks that a colleague who takes the time to be friendly is great, right?

For more Workplace Personalities, click here.

You might like:

• The Phantom
• The Urban Warrior

Workplace Personalities - The WIC

WIC = Why I Can't

No matter what you ask this person to do, they will give you a reason why they can't do it.

And it isn't just a concise, legitimate reason.

Nope.

It's a stooooooooory.

You see, the reason why they can't help you, can't execute the task, can't deliver to the deadline is because the organization isn't structured right, they don't have the right resources, they have a complicated chronic health problem, they don't have access to the right equipment, you're making them work with someone who doesn't have the right skills, and on and on and on.

And then they'll tell you how that situation arose, because you need to understand the entire history and context.

"Once upon a time we were going to do X and then Y changed jobs and then Z took away the budget and then..."

It's not that they're the problem, you understand.  They're very competent.  No.  It's forces beyond their control that are causing the situation.  It's not their fault.

Meetings with this kind of person are interminable. Getting one agenda item covered is a miracle.  No matter how much you believe in being polite, you find yourself interrupting to stem the flow of WIC, WIC, WIC.

To sum this person up, think about a cartoon character rubbing their eyes as large tears spout out at 45 degree angles on either side of their heads.  Boo hoo hoo!

Key signs:  Excuses, excuses, excuses

Key phrase:  I won't be able to do that because...

Your Strategy:

You'll be tempted to counter each obstacle they throw at you with a mitigation that you can execute.  

DO.  NOT.  DO.  THIS.  Because this is exatly what the WIC wants.  He or she wants you to deal with the problem.  

There is one and only thing to say:

[Insert name here], it's important that we get this done.  I know that you can find a way to do it by [insert deadline here].  And now, if you'll excuse me, I have to [insert reason to leave here].

Their comeuppance:

 Confirm what you have told them in the Strategy section, above, in an email, adding "If there are any issues that are going to cause a delay, please let me know and cc [insert their boss or, if you are their boss, your boss' name here] at least [insert reasonable mitigation time period here] before [insert deadline here].

For more Workplace Personalities, click here.

You might like:

• The Arsonist
• Parents Lil Princess

Workplace Personalities - Phantom

The Phantom of the Opera is a mystery, for he or she is simply never there.

When you look over and catch them actually in the office, sitting in their cube, you jump in shock.

Where did they come from?

Do they still work here?

Where in the basement do they hide to actually get any work done?

And yet, the Phantom seems to have some magic power. He or she turns their boss into Christine, completely under their spell.

The fact that they always dial into, or simply don't attend, meetings is never commented on.  They aren't excluded from plum assignments.  Their names are actually mentioned when describing who contributed to a successful project.

HOW? 

It's a frickin' mystery.

Key signs: Absence.

Catch phrase: None. They aren't there, remember?

Your Strategy: Find out their goddamn secret.

Their comeuppance: Never happens.

For more Workplace Personalities, click here.

You might like:

• Lil Miss Congeniality
• The Teflon Kid

Workplace Personalities - The Triple S

The three S'es stand for Short Shit Syndrome.

I know, I know, this isn't anything new. This phenomenon exists all over the world, and isn't restricted to the workplace.

The Short Shit is a man of limited stature who overcompensates with excessive aggression.

No matter what you do and how you do it, you're wrong. If you're right, you have to wait until they reiterate your proposal, thereby claiming it as their own bright idea.

Meetings are opportunities for confrontation.

Conversations are peppered with references to possessions that indicate prowess - sports car, boat, plane.

The tone is always one decibel away from that iconic army guy who yells at new recruits.  

Every sentence is a verbal wrecking ball, tearing you down, smashing you to bits.  

Picture an annoying terrier, barking incessantly.  The dog is small but you know that those fucking things can latch onto any part of your anatomy they want to, clamp their jaws shut and never let go.

Key signs:

• Bad jokes
• Swearwords
• Loud voice
• Insulting terms directed at others

Catch phrase:  ANYTHING SAID SLIGHTLY TOO LOUDLY.

Your Strategy: Placate, while imagining his mini-dick to make you feel better about it.

Their comeuppance:  The only place that the Triple S is humbled is in a crowded elevator.  Unless it's in Asia.

Never ever: Pat on the head

For more Workplace Personalities, click here.

You might like:

• The Party Planner
• The Mother Hen

Workplace Personalities - The Urban Warrior

The Urban Warrior is a technical and time management genius.

They know how to use the latest handheld and connectivity technology to always appear like they are at their desks. You will never get an email from them that ends with "Sent from my iPhone". They can be on a ski lift and appear to have answered your query from their cube.

They also manage to fit the snowboarding, fishing trips, boating trips, sporting events around the work they have to do, without ever falling behind or getting caught. They take all their vacation days, and then some. They manage to get the business travel assignments to the best locations, and somehow fit in a round of golf.

The Urban Warrior is, as far as I'm concerned, a God.

Key signs: 

• A lot of sporting equipment strapped to the top of their car
• A well used smartphone
• A very lightweight laptop

Catch phrase:  There isn't one.  They somehow appear to be a normal employee.  

Your Strategy: Investigate.  Emulate.

Their comeuppance:  Doesn't happen.  Unless they break their leg snowboarding.

For more Workplace Personalities, click here.

You might like: 

• The 3P
• The Curmudgeon

Workplace Personalities - The 3P

3P = Pathologically Proud Parent.

The cliche is to say that this is always a mother, but I have had male colleagues who are equally boring.

These are the colleagues who insist on regaling you in nauseating detail about every tedious, insignificant exploit their child is engaged in. Sporting achievements, Scouts, Girl Guides, acting debuts, music recitals are all weaved into stories worthy of Olympic athletes.

These are the colleagues who guilt you into buying tasteless Girl Scout cookies, who look askance at you on Halloween if you haven't decorated your cube and put out cheap candy, who simply do not understand why you wouldn't want to hold their new baby, a wet-lipped, snot-nosed, purple-faced, wrinkled and gurgling thing who cannot even hold it's own head up.

These are the colleagues who constantly interrupt you to call you over to their cube to view the latest Flickr photos of their bambino, their genius-child, their prodigy.

There is a strange mathematical phenomenon that surrounds these people. For each 3P you add to a conversation, the volume, detail and length of the sharing is cubed.

3P3.

God forbid you are in a meeting with three or more, because you will never get down to business.

Key signs:

• Screensavers of kid pics
• A cube covered in framed kid pics

Catch phrase: Oh my God, you won't believe what little [insert Snotgoblin's name here] did!

Your Strategy: Grin and bear it. Sadly, anything else is non-PC.

Their comeuppance: When their kids become teenagers and start to hate their parents.

For more Workplace Personalities, click here.

You might like:

• Parents Lil Princess
• The Golden Child

Workplace Personalities - The Curmudgeon

The Curmudgeon

This post is inspired by Debineezer's.

At work, the Curmudgeon is the person who is never happy.

This species has three breeds:

1. The Snarky Sarky
   Generally sarcastic, ironic and witty, this person can be a joy to be around. They cut through the BS, expose what is really going on and manage to couch in all in terms that are simultaneously frightening in that they reveal the truth and yet reassuring in that they are absolutely hilarious. This beast is rare and should be kept close as they allow you to maintain perspective and engage in real belly laughs, something that needs to happen a lot more in the office environment.
   Example: Dr Cox from Scrubs, Sesame Street's Statler and Waldorf
   Your Strategy: Embrace


2. The Vocal Idealist
   This person has a specific view of the work world and is not afraid to point out the difference between where we are and where they think we should be. The realities of budget or resource constraints are as foreign to them as foie gras to a Hillbilly. They complain in meetings, in front of customers, in corridor conversations which start as a whisper and end as a yell because you are desperately trying to escape and you have taken 27 steps backwards during the course of their rant.
   Example: George from Seinfeld
   Your Strategy: Avoid


3. The Anti-Battery
   These people could drain the energy from a nuclear power grid in 30 seconds. They walk around with a little storm cloud over their heads and see a surface for mould rather than a ripe peach, the fat content and calories rather than the piece of birthday cake they're offered and the affect on their workload rather than advancement opportunity of any work task they're given. If you are going on vacation somewhere exotic, they'll warn you about the mosquitoes. If you are pregnant, they'll tell you about the latest Sudden Infant Death Syndrome statistics. If you are finally given budget to take that business trip, they'll regale you with the various details that constitute the horror of flying coach class.
   Example: Droopy Dog
   Your Strategy: Ignore

For more Workplace Personalities, click here.