Stuff Female People Like - No. 17: Aggressive Cleaning

This series is inspired by the blog/book Stuff White People Like. 

17: Agressive Cleaning  

Female People aren't perfect.  If they were, they'd have created government run male prostitution camps, frozen sperm for procreation, killed off the rest of the men and achieved world peace, a sustainable environment and contact with friendly aliens.

But no.  All that is yet to come.

In the meantime, Female People struggle with the juggle.  Work, play, loved ones and domestic duties.  Taking care of all them at once, 24/7. 365.  

Male People help around the house these days - they do, let's be honest.  In fact, with their strength they make great scrubbers and, with their height, they make great ceiling dusters.  But Male People simply don't recognize the key to Aggressive Cleaning - the Dirt Tolerance Threshold.

Sometimes the Dirt Tolerance Threshold is reached simply because things are getting out of hand.  The house is just generally getting too dirty - perhaps smelling of the dog.  Or a particular dirt-based event can trigger the Threshold warning - one too many pubes visible in the bath, the sun glinting off the dust on the coffee table, a dog hair stuck to the TV remote.  Guests or family are often involved.  They may be visiting soon, or just have left, and the Female Person realizes the indignity and the silent judgement which has, or will, occur (no, it's never just a possibility - it's a definite).  The silent judgement of her.  For no matter how progressive we are, and how much Male People help with cleaning, Female People are still held responsible for the cleanliness of the home.

Whatever the cause, the Dirt Tolerance Threshold is reached, cleaning must be done, and the Female Person asks the Male Person for help. 

If a Female Person asks a Male Person to vacuum, of course he'll do it - when it fits conveniently into his day.

But if the Female Person has reached the Dirt Tolerance Threshold then there is a vital element missing from the communication.  When she asked for help she asked nicely, using a soft tone and sweet words.  But what she meant was:

"I can't stand it anymore!  Clean it!  NOW!"

And so the hapless Male Person continues typing on his keyboard, or playing his video game, or tinkering in his basement.

The Female Person, meanwhile, is morphing, like The Hulk, into a passive-aggressive 50's housewife.  With gritted teeth, she grabs the closest scrubbing brush, duster or household machine she can find and sets to it.  

This is cleaning with meaning.

Whatever she is doing, the Male Person will be able to hear it.  There will be sighing, banging, squeaking, clanging.  

Any door moved to enable dusting will be slammed.  Any tap turned on will be set to full blast, the water spurting out with an indignant Whoosh!  Any glasses or cups gathered from the living room will be severely clinked.  

The key weapon in Aggressive Cleaning arsenal is, of course, the vacuum cleaner.  There are so many message-sending noises the Female Person can make with it: 

1. Drag it out of wherever it is kept with as much noise as possible
2. Sigh while bending over to plug it in 
3. Go back and forth over one spot many times, allowing for maximum vrrrroooooo-vrrrooooo 
4. Bang vacuum cleaner on walls
5. Clean spot right next to Male Person - right outside his study, for instance - again and again
6. Switch off vacuum cleaner on other side of room, sneak up to door of Male Person's study, and FIRE it up again
7. Move furniture very noisily while vacuuming around it
8. Cough repeatedly due to displaced dust
9. Chase dog into Male Person's study with vacuum
10. Purposely vacuum up something solid - like a piece of dog's kibble - so vacuum will make noise like it's dying and Male Person will visualize little dollar signs disappearing in poofs! in front of his eyes

Eventually the Male Person will come out, waving a white flag.  Not literally of course.  The white flag can take the form of a hug, making the Female Person tea, or picking up some shoes and jackets that are still lying around the house (assuming they haven't already been sucked up by the vacuum).

Peace is made, and full on war is averted.

Until, of course, the Dirt Tolerance Threshold is reached again...

SFPL - No. 16: The Potential Mate Interview Panel

 

This series is inspired by the blog/book Stuff White People Like. 

This post is inspired by a blog post from the Midlifegals, called "Questionable Judgement".

16. The Potential Mate Interview Panel 

Female people love their friends, especially their BFFs. 

The Friend is a very important notion to a Female Person and, being biologically programmed to nurture, the Female Person not only loves her friend, she wants what is best for her.  Especially when it comes to the biological imperative of procreation. 

Conclusion: Female People like to have a say in their friend's choice of mate and they tend to interview him/her, like a job candidate.

So Female People like...

17.  The Potential Mate Interview Panel.

Groups of Female Persons who are close to the Friend form themselves into - sometimes unsolicited and even unwanted - interview panels for the new potential mate Candidate. 

The Panel's objectives

Like any interviewer, the Female Person PMIP has a defined set of criteria against which they judge the suitability of the Candidate.  All of these criteria are designed to fulfill three key objectives:

1. To keep the Friend safe
2. To make sure the Friend is really loved
3. To give the Friend the future she deserves i.e. a damn good one.

The Panel's process

The interview can take place over days or months and both the Candidate and the Friend may be completely oblivious to the process. 

The interviewing can be conducted face to face, where the Friend and Candidate think they are just out on a nice social outing,

The interview can also be a virtual process - this is when conclusions are drawn based on what the Friend has said about her potential mate.  The Friend may say something completely innocently, not realizing that is has been noted, logged and fed into the Candidate's overall score.

Example:

"He told me that he loves that I am so ambitious and doing so well at the firm!  He says I'm on the track for partner within 5 years.  It's so cute because he, like, is in such a different field, being an artist and all, and he finds everything I say about office life so fascinating.  I guess it must be so different for someone who works alone in a buddy's loft doing paintings all day."

The interview panel would draw the following conclusions from that comment:

1. Candidate does not have a proper job - Candidate is a Loser
2. Candidate is aware of the good job Friend has, and that she is going places in the world - Candidate is a free loading gold digger.

The interviewers on the PMIP often collaborate, bouncing ideas and perceptions off each other to ensure that their opinion is validated.  Phone calls, emails, IM's - all sorts of activity may be going on behind the scenes as the Candidate works his/her way through process. 

Example:

sallyjb7348293 says:  omigod jane told me today that he asked her to change her dress before they went to meet his mother.  Not sure that's cool

knittinglady845702 says:  WTF?!??!!?  Bad sign.  Bad, bad sign. 

sallyjb7348293 says:  Totally.  And he's put off introducing her to his dear mama FOUR times.

knittinglady845702 says: oh boy

The Panel's motivation

Why do Female People do this, I hear you ask?  Why don't they just accept that the Friend is happy, that she is an adult and can take care of herself?

Ah, my dear, that is because Female People all know what it is like to be blinded by lust, by a crush, by the honeymoon stages of any relationship where everything is new and exciting, where the potential mate can do no wrong and where everything is seen through the rose-colored, endorphin-warped lenses of regular orgasms.

Female People also remember - and remember so very, very well - the Relationship Disaster Pain Zone.  That place where the pain, the embarrassment, the social awkwardness follows the moment when the little skinny, ugly man behind the curtain is revealed and they have to admit to themselves, and everyone else, that the Wizard of Oz wasn't as powerful and wonderful as he first seemed and that it really wasn't worth that journey down the Yellow Brick Road, no matter how many catchy song-and-dance routines there were along the way.

More than anything, they want to protect the Friend from entering the Relationship Disaster Pain Zone ... at any cost.

The Panel's checklist

So what checklist does the Candidate have to score against?

Female People tend to have their own individual lists formed by their own bitter experience, but here is a sample of common criteria:

1. Does the Candidate have friends?  Real friends?  If yes +1 point for each good friend.  If all the Candidate has is that one stoner jerkoff who, at 43, still thinks he is going to be a professional surfer, -10 points.
2. Is the Candidate's family relatively normal or, if he/she has a difficult background, how has he/she reconciled with it?  This isn't necessarily a money or class thing.  Marrying into the Kennedy's can be as much of a minefield as marrying into your local trailer trash gang family.  Good family background, +20 points.  Difficult family -30 points.
3. How often does the Candidate compliment the Friend?  Too litte = problem: -10 points.  Too much = future problem: -20 points.  Just right +10 points.
4. Can one have a decent conversation with the Candidate?  If yes, +10 points.  If the Friend is a Harvard graduate and the Candidate asks if Electoral College is a place you go to learn how to be security for ballot boxes, -20 points. 
5. Does the Candidate have a hobby or interest?  Does he/she something to teach the Friend, share with the Friend, give the Friend a new experience of?  This does not  include sexual stuff.  If yes, +20 points.  If no -30 points.
6. Does the Candidate have a real job?  Unless there is money in the bank, "Artist", "Base player" and "Skateboarder" don't count.  If yes, + 50 points.  If no, -200 points.
7. Is the Candidate happy in his/her job?  If not, what is he/she doing about it?  The Friend needs a partner, not a therapy patient.  10 points +/- depending on the answer.
8. Is the Candidate a considerate lover?  Yes, the Panel will  get to hear the details on that.  You can be sure of it.  30 points +/- depending on the answer.
9. If the Candidate is totally crap at something, but the Friend loves it, will he/she at least give it a try?  A Candidate who refuses to dance with the Friend at a wedding, for example, is highly suspect.  20 points +/- depending on the answer.
10. Do the Candidate and the Friend agree on the fundamentals - ambition, no. of children, pets, religion?  If not, the PMIP will push for extended negotiation of the position before they feel the Candidate can really fulfill the role.  No points - this is a negotiation issue.
11. Does the Candidate make the Friend laugh?  + 30 points for making the Friend laugh.  +50 bonus points if the Candidate makes the PMIP laugh.  
12. Does the Candidate have a drug/drinking/gambling problem?  Points are irrelevant.  This is a deal breaker.  Every.  Frickin'.  Time.  
13. Is the Candidate trying to run the Friend's life?  Friends who cancel girl's night because of the Candidate are perceived to be in deep, deep trouble.  Again, no point score.  Candidate disqualified.
14. Does the Candidate have a good relationship with his mother/sisters/women in his/her family?  +30 points for yes, -40 points for no.  Cliched but true, how the Candidate relates to women = how he/she will relate to the Friend.  
15. How does the Candidate's take on religion match with the Friend's?  One being a non-practising Catholic and the other a devout Jew may be fine now, until a child comes a long and the both want it to embrace the religion they were each brought up in.  +/- 40 points depending on the answer.
16. Similarly, how do the Candidate's political views match with the Friends?  This is another area of potential long term disaster.  +/- 30 points depending on the answer.
17. What is the Candidate's ex-wife/girlfriend/boyfriend situation?  3 different baby mama's ain't a recipe for relationship success. -100 points for difficult exes.  -50 points for exes that are still too damn close.  +50 points for a civil, controlled relationship with exes.
18. How important is sport to the Candidate vs. the Friend?  Every PMIP dreads the Friend being an ESPN/golf/football/whatever widow.  If Candidate ignores Friend in neglige when his favorite team is on TV, -100 points.  If Candidate and Friend enjoy sports together, +30 points.
19. Does the Candidate continually make jokes in public at the expense of the Friend?  If yes, this show at best a lack of respect (-50 points) and, at worst, a potential abuser (deal breaker).
20. How does the Candidate look at the Friend?  The eyes are not, as the House Bunny said, the nipples of the face, but the windows of the soul.  If the Candidate dotes on the Friend, and it shows, +100 points.

The Debriefing

Sadly, as noted by Themidlifegals, the debriefing is often where the PMIP falls down.  

Sometimes, the interview goes on and on and on and on and the findings are not presented to the Friend until something goes wrong and she is already in the Relationship Disaster Pain Zone.

Brave PMIP's do something about the Candidate way before the threat level is at Deathcon 3.

They either drop little comments, steer conversation, ask probing questions or, at the most extreme level, stage an intervention.

Evidence is presented, concerns are expressed and the PMIP closes around the Friend like a protective wall.  Most of all, support for change is offered - anything from a shoulder to cry on through to a place to stay.  The power of the PMIP in these circumstances can be a wonderous thing to behold.  

Sadly, the power can sometimes be less than the Friend's self-delusion. The Friend may defend against all the evidence provided, cut herself off from the PMIP, and the relationship may continue on it's inevitable way to disaster.  

Even in this worst case scenario, the Female Person on the PMIP feels safe in the knowledge that she has done her duty.  She looked after the best interests of her Friend, and that is a key part of being a Female Person. 

And she likes it that way.

Stuff Female People Like - No. 15: BFFs

This series was inspired by stuffwhitepeoplelike.

This post was inspired by Snooty Primadona's post on a new friend.

15.  BFFs

Every Female Person has one - her BFF, or Best Friend Forever.

Some Female People are blessed with more than one but, usually, there is that one special person who occupies a very special place in the Female Person's heart.

BFF's have very special characteristics which single them out from other friends, something that Hollywood has portrayed, again and again:

1. History.   A BFF is usually someone who "knew you when."  Knew you when you were still at school, and therefore knows the geek/cheerleader/choir girl/drama lead you used to be.  Because we all remain what we were as kids, underneath.   Knew you when you were at college/university, and therefore was with you when you discovered sex/feminism/men/politics.  Because we all remain that carefree, barefoot, no-mortgage, budding women were used to be, underneath.  Knew you before you were married.  Because we all remain that dancing/clubbing/single Sex and the City woman we used to be, underneath.  Example: The Banger Sisters.
2. Men.  A BFF knows about all your lovers.  All of them.  BFF knows exactly what you mean when you say "Kinda like Craig's hair, remember?" or "Sort of like when that Hippie guy sang to me, remember?" or "It reminded me of Bruce's dick, remember?"  Example:  Sex and the City.
3. Dreams.  A BFF knows what you planned, wanted, dreamed of for your life and so, when the compromises you've made frustrate you, when the corporate glass ceiling hits you, when Suburbia suffocates you, she understands why.  Because she knows that it was all meant to be so very, very different from this.  Example: Beaches.
4. Sympatico.  Even if a BFF has very different opinions, tastes and politics from you, she gets where you are coming from.  You have talked and shared so much over the years that she can almost read your mind.  No matter how far apart you are or how seldom you see each other, talking to BFF is like riding a bike - you get on and, suddenly, you remember everything you ever learned about how to do it, just like a pro.  Example: Mama Mia.
5. Deep roots.  The relationship with the BFF is so deep-rooted that it stands alone, needing nothing else to support it.  There's no introduction, no explanation, no exposition.  The relationship is not based on a shared hobby, held together by the convenience of daily contact, or forced because your husbands/kids are friends.  It strong, deep-rooted, like an old oak that will not fall because of the strongest wind, and stupid things that hack at the base, trying to fell the tree, simply create notches in the trunk that become a part of it's history.  Example: Sex and the City, again
6. Got your back.  A BFF is on your side - always.  No matter what you've said, what you've done, what you've forgotten to do, a BFF is there to forgive, to listen, to love you, even in spite of yourself.  Example:  Thelma and Louise.

The Female Person values her BFF very highly.  

The BFF was there before, and will be there after, the studies, the job, the husband, the kids play the major role in her life.

The BFF is a touchstone, a shoulder to cry on, a cheerleader, a shrink.

But most of all, the Female Person loves her BFF because she is the one person, the one place, in the world where the Female Person can shrug off the roles of lover, mother, sister, colleague, boss, wife, PTA president, and just be herself.

My BFF and I met at university.  She was in my drama class and seemed to me to be this beautiful butterfly who knew everyone, spoke to anyone, wore crazy gypsy skirts and was a ball of energy and happiness.  When I moved into res (dorms), she was there and took me under her wing, introducing me to her crew.  She was definitely the Alpha of the group and I became her Beta, winning the prize for "most corrupted first year" at our end of year dinner.

We went to lectures barefoot, our biggest treat of the day was chocolate around 4pm and we made a bet with each other to "get with" a guy from each of the male dorms before the end of the year (yes, we succeeded).  

We sang the whole score of the Rocky Horror Picture Show (we still can).

Friday afternoons we'd all bunk off lectures with our friends and find somewhere to head for drinks.  Frequently this would involve taking cheap bottles of wine down to the beach and dancing as the sun set.

In second year we led the hatred of the younger, cuter, first years and got other people to join us swapping everything in their rooms or setting up one of their beds in the middle of the dorm.  Yeah, we didn't like the competition.

We'd go to clubs and dance on the bars, we'd suntan, we'd talk for hours about literature and, of course, boys.

We knew the whole dance to the Locomotion.

As the years passed we both left South Africa.  When we lived a short flight away, visits to each other were always spiced with food and wine and heavily flavored with laughter.  We toured Paris, we walked the streets of London.

We danced and sang our hearts out at a Madonna concert.

Since I moved to the US, we've stayed in touch on the net and over the phone - we've laughed, cried, shared our diet triumphs, our silly stories, our deepest fears, pain and disappointments.

We went on a shopping spree and did a giggling, modelling photo shoot for Fluffy Bear when we got home.

If our husbands adhere to the statistics and die before we do, our plan is to live together and do naughty things like hire male prostitutes, wear inappropriately revealing clothing to the old age home Bingo night, and swear (curse) loudly and frequently.  We are going to be the bad girls of the retirement community.  And those young 70 year old bucks will be lining up to "come in for a coffee" after retro disco night.  We plan to stand at street corners, looking old and frail and, when someone asks us if we need help, look up from under our purple hat brims and yell:

"FUCK OFF!"

Yep, me and my BFF... friends forever.

Stuff Female People Like - No. 14: Handbags

This series is inspired by www.stuffwhitepeoplelike.com.

14. Handbags

Most of the men I know are completely baffled by how and why female people like handbags. It'snot just that they don't understand why we like them so much, why we pay so much for them or why we have more than one. It's the very concept of a bag that they don't get.

If you don't believe me, suggest to your nearest and dearest straight male that you buy them a Manbag and watch his face contort at the very idea.

So why do female people like handbags so much?

They hold all our stuff

Yes, that may seem obvious, but it is no small thing.

Maybe it's an evolutionary thing. The man - the hunter - had to travel light because he may be away for days on end chasing the woolly mammoth and avoiding the sabre toothed tiger.

The woman, on the other hand, was stuck with a thing sucking on her breast and had to carry tools to gather fruits and vegetables, as well as have a way to carry those back with her. And she had no damn hands to carry them because of the little baby.

And even if you put businessman and businesswoman side by side, with their mobile phones and their pens and their moleskin mini notebooks, the businesswoman still has more stuff. There's the goddammit-I-might-get-my-period stuff, there's the I-might-need-to-take-care-of-the-kid stuff and, last but not least, there is the grooming stuff - lipstick, at a very minimum.

They complete the look

Ever since industrialization put soap making on the assembly line rather than in the home, and the work of the housewife - making candles, preserving food, sewing clothing and linen - was no longer a valued job, middle class female people have primped and padded and pouffed and painted themselves to produce maximum effect regarding their presentation. What the hell else did they have to do all day, after all?

Being well groomed is a head-to-toe business, you know.

The clothes, the shoes, the earrings, the belt, the necklace, the eye shadow - hell, even the lingerie - must all come together in a seamless assembly of color, shape and texture. And the handbag, my dear, just like the shoes, can make or break the ensemble.

Blue outfit with black handbag. Ah, non! Quel horreur!

They are little works of art

Yes, they are.

Like shoes, artisans who make handbags are designers who combine form and function, portability and beauty into one gorgeous little package.

Handbags are things of beauty.

Bedecked with jewels, cleverly interwoven leather, stunningly colored fabric. Hell, handbags can make seatbelts look pretty. Just take a look at the picture in this post.

Isn't it lovely?

Handbags reflect who we are

Woebetide the husband who buys his wife a handbag without knowing exactly what she wants.

A handbag says something about a female person's taste, her sense of color, how zany/traditional/silly she is.

If you see two twin female people and one has a cloth bag with a hippie peace sign on it, and the other had this season'sLouis Vuitton, you are looking at two verydifferent women.

Expensive handbags are status symbols. They say how much the female person is valued (if it was a gift), how much she values herself, how successful she is. Handbags are the sports cars of the female midlife crisis.

And so, female people love handbags.

And long may it continue!

I remember, when I was a kid, going into my mother's cupboard (closet) to look at her handbags. She had one - an evening bag - covered in what seemed to be metal sequins stuck together, which moved like shimmering waves.  The lining was beige silk and the whole thing spoke to me of glamorous evening like in Dallas or Dynasty.

I've had various handbags that I've loved.

There was the antique one found at a vintage shop - with the bone clasp and the silk lining.

There was the little Donna Karan given to me by FB - my first (and only) designer bag.

There was the sloppy green bag with lots of pockets and buckles that was like Mary Poppins' carpet bag... you could fit anything in there.

There was the hairy bag made of cow hide we found on holiday in Mexico - with one small white patch which gives the bovine origin away.

And then there's the red leather bag which I bought, on sale, when I got my last job and knew I was going to be earning a shitload of money. I also bought the matching purse (wallet) to go inside it. It's bright and bold and beautiful.

Like me.

SFPL - No. 13: The Passive-Agressive Honey Do List

 

This series is inspired by the blog/book Stuff White People Like. 

 

In the USA, the list of household DIY tasks a wife gives to her husband is called The Honey Do list, as in, "Honey, please do this...."  

 

But I don't believe that many Female People actually make a list.  For a start, that takes the effort to actually write something down when you notice a lightbulb has blown - probably while carrying a large load of washing.  Second, the list would have to be constantly amended (i.e. added to) which could be demotivating for the Male Person.  Third, writing an actual list risks getting a list of your own.

 

And so, what happens in reality is that the Female Person likes...

 

 

13. The Passive-Agressive Honey-Do List

 

There are very clear rules to maintaining the Passive-Agressive Honey-Do List.

1. List item creation - The Female Person must shout the latest list item accross the house when the Male Person is busy with something else.  The announcement must, by definition, be an interruption, an annoyance.  That way, it's bound to be more memorable.  
2. List item reminder - The Female Person must notice that the issue - let's use the example of replacing a blown lightbulb - has not been fixed a few days later and, again, shout about it when the Male Person's head is somewhere else.  The tone must be a little harsher, a little more impatient, this second time.
3. List item allusions - After one reminder, the gloves are off.  From this moment on, the Female Person stirs up her creative juices and mixes in a double shot of sarcasm.  The list item must be alluded to as often as possible, preferably while disussing something completely unrelated.  Hence:

"Of course I'll make you a cup of tea, honey.  How about tomorrow when the sun comes up and I can see what I'm doing in there?"

"Where's the cheese grater?  It's in the dishwasher.  I would have unpacked it but I didn't want to leave the fridge door open that long.  The light is good but you lose all the cold air in there."

"Please can you feed the dog?  You see better in the dark than I do."

The Passive-Agressive Honey-Do List is really an art.  Any comment or request made by the Male Person must trigger a creative process which somehow, some way, brings the conversation back to the Honey-Do List item.

 

It takes a perfect blend of bad timing, bitchiness and booby trapping.  

Stuff Female People Like - No. 12: Other people's babies

This series is inspired by the blog/book Stuff White People Like.

12. Other people's babies

Female People are, of course, genetically programmed to like and want babies.   Luckily, a combination of intelligence, evolution and modern medicine mean that the Female Person - if she is lucky enough to be able to afford it - has a choice of whether or not to actually bear/nurture one of her own.

 

But let us leave biological clocks and motherhood aside for a moment and focus on the social situations where Female People encounter babies belonging to other people. The reactions of Female People in these situations generally fall into four different categories.

 

 

a) Baby Blinkers - I am going to ignore that damn baby

 

Here, the Female Person puts on imaginary, invisible blinkers and refuses to see the baby.

The hostile reaction of the Female Person in this case should not be misinterpreted. She is ignoring that baby on purpose. Sometimes, animal instinct pushes through the map-for-the-future, the career ambitions, the detailed knowledge of the commitment required, and the huge compromises that have to be made, to raise a child. The head knows all these things, but the heart swells and the womb quivers.

 

In these moments, the Female Person is stopping herself from looking at the baby - the same way she steels herself in front of a slice of chocolate cake when on a diet - because she doesn't want to face that awful biological reality.

 

Be kind to the Female Person who is suffering this dilemma. Help her out. Pinch your baby lightly on the arm. As it starts to scream bloody murder, you'll see the Female Person visibly relax, reminded of why she absolutely, positively doesn't want one of those screeching shit machines - yet.

 

  

b) The Scientist - I am going to observe that fascinating baby

 

Some Female People find babies strangely fascinating, like a foreign culture that pierces their noses with elephant tusks.  They'll watch babies in public places as they contemplate the dangling toys on their strollers, at BBQs as they totter around the yard touching the plants, at friends' houses as they clumsily pet the - very patient - dog.  

 

Watching babies learn is an insight into our own development.  Watching babies discover is a small symbol of our capacity to experience wonder.  Watching babies find joy in little things is a reminder that we can simplify our lives. 

 

  

c) The Goo-goo Ga-ga - I am going to make stupid faces at that cute baby

 

The Goo-goo Ga-ga is a Female Person who has no fear of public humiliation.  Through her car window, in restaurants, in the park.  Wherever.  This Female Person will make faces and high pitched noises at the baby.  

 

The baby will often find this amusing but, for the adults, the funniest is when the Goo-goo Ga-ga does her thing and the baby's face goes red, crumples like a receipt you find months later in your car door and bursts into tears.

 

 

d) The Baby Borrower - I am going to go over there, uninvited, and play with that adorable baby

 

Here we have the Female Person who likes babies but just doesn't want to make the sacrifices needed to have one full time.  She may therefore "borrow" other people's babies.  In public, the Baby Borrower can pick and choose the baby to interact with.  The naughty, crying baby can be ignored - the cute, gurgling one can be co-opted.

 

The Female Person approaches the baby's carer, gushes some compliment and sweeps the baby up into her arms.  The baby borrowing can be as little as a minute or, in scarier cases, as long as ten.  I've seen someone sit down at a different table with a baby in a coffee house.  

 

I've also seen Mothers with Baby Borrower Radar who manage to snatch their babies up while the Baby Borrow is still in the introductory compliment stage.  Well you can't blame them.  

"Just because you pay my child a compliment," a friend of mine told me, "doesn't mean you can have her."

Yes, Female People like other people's babies.

And sometimes, they even like their own.

Stuff Female People Like - No. 11: Receiving Flowers

This series is inspired by the blog/book Stuff White People Like.

11. Receiving flowers

Yes, Female People genuinely do like getting flowers.  

Why?

Well, flowers are:

• pretty
• a treat (assuming the sender obeys rule 2)
• a surprise (especially if the sender obeys rule 1)
• a sign the sender really cares (only if all rules are obeyed)
• something that has been hyped by the media and the Female Person has bought into.

The rules of giving flowers

1. Don't drop any hint that you have/are about to/are thinking of buying flowers.
2. Don't be stingy.  Three small tulips won't cut it.  A single flower can pass, but only if it is a long-stemmed rose.
3. Don't buy and give, send.  The Female Person loves to get flowers from the delivery guy, wonder for a moment who sent them, and open the card to find that it's you.
4. Don't buy on impulse, plan.  Flowers bought at the grocery store or gas station do not count.  Getting the flowers delivered at a time when you ought to know she won't be at the office will be an automatic deduction of points.
5. Do know what the Female Person likes and doesn't like.  If you buy flowers she both hates and is allergic to, you're so screwed.
6. Do know what the flowers mean, especially if you are breaking rule 5.  White lilies are for funerals, yellow roses are for friendship.  Look up the rest, or ask the florist.
7. Rule 6 does not apply if you have followed Rule 5 and know that the Female Person likes a certain flower in spite of what it means.
8. Make it public.  If you have a choice to send flowers to the Female Person's home or her work, send them to her work.  She'll never admit it, but she wants everyone to see that someone thinks she is so special that they send a massive bunch of flowers.  Be warned, if you choose to send the flowers to her work, you better make sure you follow Rule 2.
9. Let the professionals do it.  If you are at the flower shop and you're asked if you'd like to choose the flowers, decline unless you are one of the 0.5% of men who actually knows what they are doing with flowers and definitely decline if you are one of the 7% of men who are color blind.
10. Add the vase.  If possible, buy a vase too, so she doesn't have to scrabble around cutting stems, pulling off leaves and arranging the flowers.  Make it easy for her.

Stuff Female People Like - No. 10: Fashion Magazines

This series is based on the blog/book Stuff White People Like.

10. Fashion Magazines

Female People like fashion magazines. Often, Male People aren't sure why their homes end up littered with pages torn from these glossy publications.

What is it about the fashion magazine that attracts the female person?

1. Pretty, shiny things

Fashion magazines to Female People are like car magazines to Male People - aspirational. They are packed full of articles, editorials and adverts which show stunning clothes, jewellery, shoes handbags - things the Female Person covets but cannot always have. Just looking at them, imagining being thin and rich enough to own them, is fun.

2. Fashion guidance

The fashion world is as unpredictable as the stock market. Wedge shoes which are triple A rated this season are a poisonous asset the next. Choosing what's hot and what's not is hard enough for the experts, let alone man on the street.

The Female Person needs help navigating these turbulent waters and finds the map she needs in the fashion magazine. Twenty minutes spent thumbing through the pages will explain she should buy those pumps in blue, not purple, that she can dust off her old red mary janes and that her wedges need to be put in their box and buried in the back of the closet until the inevitable circle of fashion life is complete and they come into vogue again.

3. A quick and easy escape, available when you need it

A magazine is not a book.

A fashion magazine is the sum of various parts which can be digested in bite-size chunks. Even reading the whole thing cover to cover doesn't take that long. Reading a magazine doesn't take commitment or carve a hunk out of a busy day. Reading a fashion magazine is like buying take out instead of cooking - quick and easy.

A fashion magazine is a convenient mini-escape that you can come back to again and again (especially if you leave it next to the toilet) without having to remember where you were.

A fashion magazine is always fresh. It has the same look, the same names for sections, the same approach, but there's a new issue on a weekly or monthly basis! Like fashion itself, it's never static or boring.

4. A wonderful world
Fashion magazines are carefully crafted to be things of beauty. Famous photographers apply their art in both the fashion shoots and the ads that intersperse them. Every person pictured in the fashion magazine is thin, has a geometrically proportioned face and has great hair. Between the covers of the magazine, it really is an amazing universe.

And so never mind how many of the fashion magazine's polished pages end up in recycling, for they've given a Female Person somewhere a little mental moment in a parallel world where everything is ordered perfection, before she looks up from the loo and realizes there's dust on the rim of the bath and she has to do another bloody microclean...

Stuff Female People Like - No. 9: Prequalifying Men

This series is inspired by the blog/book Stuff White People Like.

This entry is inspired by Healing Hands, a wonderful Massage Therapist who takes away my aches and pains.

9. Prequalifying Men

Single Female People have "A List". They don't tell the Single Male People they're dating, but they definitely talk it over with their other Female People friends.

The list can be anywhere on a scale from Kidding Around, through Vague Guideline With Room For Compromise, through to Ridiculously Rigid Requirments which will ensure the Single Female Person stays Single.

Items on the list are, of course, customized by each Single Female Person but there are shared criteria agreed upon with friends - usually in boozy bar brainstorming sessions. This might explain why some lists contain elements which may be a little bit unrealistic.

I have consulted various Single Female People I know, and here are some examples of items which are on their lists (please feel free to add your own in Comments on this post):

• A bathroom that is woman-friendly (i.e. clean)


• An annual income that puts him in the top tax bracket


• A house of his own


• A house of his own which is a WISE investment


• Living alone (i.e. no roommates, family, lodgers)


• A university degree


• Evidence that he is good with children


• Doesn't look at the bill at the end of the dinner - he just puts the card down


• Doesn't say cheesy things during sex like "Just be here - now..."


• Doesn't cry after sex


• Doesn't talk about ex-wife


• No kids from previous marriages


• Not prettier than me


• Knows how to put up shelves, BBQ, wire a plug, change a lightbulb


• Owns more than 20 books


• Doesn't pay for the extra special sports cable package


• No-one knows his name at his local bar


• No bible next to his bed


• Doesn't argue about the damn condom


• Likes dogs/cats/whatever pet the Female Person has as her pet


• Makes me laugh


• Can dance


• Doesn't burp or fart in front of me till we have had sex at least 10 times


• Goes down without being asked


• Doesn't push my shoulders to force me down there


• Doesn't call his mother more than once a week


• Doesn't shop at Walmart for clothes


• Keeps his porn well hidden


• Can cook


• Has a plant in his house that isn't dead


• Has more than 5 inches


• Smells good


• etc. etc. etc.

Stuff Female People Like - No. 8: Pretending to be a Slut

This series is inspired by the blog/book Stuff White People Like.

8. Pretending to be a Slut

Female People don't want to be sluts. It's messy, dangerous and has psychological and physical consequences.

But Female People like to play at being sluts.

The Lingerie Stash

Female People often have substantial lingerie stashes, hidden away in a drawer somewhere, in a suitcase in the attic, in one of their shoeboxes - a big one, from when they bought a pair of boots.

The Female Person may wear the silky stuff under conservative workwear. Or, she may never wear them - that's not the point.

Buying the lingerie is a ceremony of potential. The potential to unleash her Inner Slut.

Sex Toy Parties

The naughty version of a Tupperware party, these events are ribald and hilarious and restricted to Female People only. Pearl strings, little weighted balls, vibrating fake phalluses presented by the party hostess all deliver tillitation and peals of laughter.

Again, the item purchased may or may not be used. Again, it's about the potential to unleash her Inner Slut.

Stripper or Pole Dancing Classes

Jiggling her jugs, wriggling her hips and shaking her booty, the Female Person indulges in an hour of fun and fantasy which has an added bonus of being healthy for her.

Spouses may get a rendition of what's learned in class if they dutifully take out the trash and change that blown lightbulb.
Or perhaps no-one will ever see the fruits of her sweaty labors. Say it with me now... it's about the potential to unleash the Inner Slut.

The key is the fantasy. The possibility of letting loose, indulging, living with total abandon. To let go of Mother, Executive, Friend, Sister, Daughter, Role Model, Confidant and just unleash her Tigress sexuality for all to see.

Stuff Female People Like - No. 7: Gay Men

This series is inspired by the blog/book Stuff White People Like.

7. Gay Men

Female People love gay men.
Of course, there are Female People who are homophobic, but I choose to ignore them because, let's face it, no-one should give those idiots any airtime. So... moving on.
Female People love gay men for various reasons.

Gay men are pretty, clean and nice
Female People love skin pampered by good products, hair styled and blow dried, nails freshly manicured, bodies hairless, fit, clean and softly scented.
Yes, I am generalizing. Get over it.
Gay men are well groomed, and female people love it.
Of course, part of it is simply the fake mystique of restricted exposure. By definition, the gay man is only part of a Female Person's life. She sees him when they are out on the town. She does not smell his farts or have to go to the toilet after him or step over the clothes he has left on the floor.
He is the nice, clean man she goes out and has fun with. And - mmmmmm - he smells good.

Gay men dance
Dancing is very important to Female People - see explanation here.
When your hetero hubby refuses to humiliate himself once again with the side to side shuffle, a gay man can be relied upon to accompany you to the dance floor. The trade off the Female Person has to accept, of course, is that the gay man invariably dance better than she does, but it's a small price to pay.

Gay men are fecking hilarious
Perhaps it's because, in overcome huge obstacles to come out and live in a hetero world, they have to learn to laugh at life. Perhaps it's genetic, like some believe of gayness itself. Perhaps it's a cultural thing, a "way we do things" which all gay mean learn as theyenter the social circles of their own kind.
Whatever it is, the gay male sense of humor is legendary. Whole sitcoms have revolved around it, dinner parties are rescued by it, careers are made on it. (If you don't know Stephen Fry, find him on Twitter and enjoy.)
The sense of humor is not just funny, it's bitchy, a heady cocktail of eagle-eyed observation, witty turn of phrase and a surgical precision in cutting to the core.
The best examples are Stewie Griffin from Family Guy, Jack from Will and Grace and Stephen Fry from anything he's been in.
Some gems from Mr Fry:

"An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them."
"Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive."
"I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me."
"When you've seen a nude infant doing a backward somersault you know why clothing exists."

Gay men make women feel good
There is a scene - I can't remember which movie or TV show it's in - where three gay men are out with a Female Person who needs some cheering up. They do rock, paper scissors to choose who is going to go up to her and bolster her self-esteem. The loser goes up to the Female Person and tells her how wonderful she looks.
Fake or not - it doesn't matter. The validation from gay men is vital to Female People. They notice when you have your hair cut, when you're wearing a new dress, when you're trying out a new color on your pedicure.
Sadly, these are things the Female Person's hetero hubby often doesn't pick up on, so hanging out with her gay friend is a wonderful self-esteem boost.

The gay man is unavailable
Being unavailable makes the gay man non-threatening. He is the adult version of the teenage pop idol - stimulating but safe because it will never actually turn into sex.
In fact, it's better than the teenage pop idol because you can actually touch the gay man. Stroking" - non-sexual touching - is an important part of happiness. Like dogs, we need petting too. The Female Person can get hugs, hold hands, get shoulder massages from a gay man.
But - and this is crucial - it's not sexual. It can be stimulating, but it never gets near fourth base. The Female Person can go out with the gay friend for dinner and not be worried that she'll have to "pay" with a BJ. She can even get kisses, experience a little quiver but not have to deliver.
It's the perfect combination - stroking and stimulation without any messy penetration.

Every Female Person should have her Gay Boyfriend. It's a heavenly match.

Stuff Female People Like - Feedback

I spoke to my friend Flyboy today, who disagreed with my opinion in a previous post that men display physical strength, financial security and business power because they are trying to attract Female People to carry their seed.

He said it wasn't about breeding.

He said he didn't want kids, and a lot of his friends felt the same.

He said it was about marking.

He then hopped around on one leg, lifting his other leg against the wall, the desk, the chair, each time saying "Mine! Mine! Mine!"

I laughed till my sides hurt.

Stuff Female People Like - No. 6: Dancing

This series is inspired by the blog/book Stuff White People Like.

6. Dancing

Female People like to dance. When they are past the constant embarassment and self-consciousness of teenagedom, and haven't yet reached the arthritic immobility of old age, they dance whenever they can.

The best years are at college/university, when the yoke of the family home has been shed, the personality, entrenched at High School, has been reinvented, deep bonds are formed with other Female People, alcohol is discovered, music takes on iconic associations with memorable events, admiring Male People are prolific and the Female Person is free to dance, dance, dance!

Here dancing is:

• A sexual display to attract Male People


• A fun and bonding activity with other Female People.

It can be one or the other, or both. Sometimes it can look like the first thing but actually be the second.

Back in University we'd dance together and, if someone got broken off from the main herd by a randy young guy, we'd reach over, grab her hand, pull her into the middle of the circle and close ranks. Yes, we were uppity little bitches.

As the years progress and life is more settled, the Female Person maximizes the dancing opportunity at weddings and New Year's Eve parties. Witness the hapless Male Person, often not as fond of dancing as his partner, dragged unwillingly out in public to step-together-step-apart watching his Female Person twirl around him.

Here, dancing is:

• A recapturing of youth


• The product of excessive alcohol consumption.

Some Female People manage to bribe their partners into dance classes - Salsa being the lastest fashion just before we left London - where they can jiggle their hips while their partners are counting silently and sweating profusely.

Here, dancing is:

• Just good fun


• A creative form of exercise


• Quality time spent with her Male Person.

When privacy allows, alone in her living room, the Female Person can put something she loves on her iPod and flail her arms, shake her booty and jiggle her patootie. This phenomenon is ably portrayed by the female characters in Grey's Anatomy.

Here, dancing is:

• Destressing, a release


• Freedom, a catharsis.

And so, you see, dancing is so much more than a co-ordinated (or unco-ordinated) movement of the limbs. It's many things to the Female Person. It's her youth, her freedom, her sexuality, her meditation, her expression of joy.

And so the Female Person, even if it's just in aerobics class, dances on.

Stuff Female People Like - No. 5: Their Hairdressers

This series is inspired by the blog/book Stuff White People Like.

5. Their Hairdressers

The relationship between Female People and their Hairdressers is a very special one.

The Importance of Hair

Hair is a very powerful symbol of a Female Person's sexuality and a key source of her self-esteem.

Ask any Female Person and she'll tell you a nightmare hair story, one which made them cry. It might be a hairdresser who tried to get "creative", a miscalculation with home hair dye or a party with too much alcohol, a pair of hair clippers and an ill-advised sense of homage to Sinead O'Connor, but it's a right of passage all Female People have to go through.

By definition, Female People have to like their hairdressers because they are trusting this person with their hair. You don't just let any old person touch one of your finest assets.

The Lasting Bond

Most Female People have a long-standing relationship with their Hairdressers.

There are those, of course, who flit from hair salon to hair salon, but these are often the Female People who are either (a) trying to find themselves, or (b), trying to find a Hairdresser who knows how to make the best of their precious asset.

The Hairdresser-Female Person relationship can last for decades, can span many miles (with the Female Person making a special trip to her old home town to see her Hairdresser) and can morph into a very real friendship.

The Deep Bond

But even if the Female Person doesn't ever see her Hairdresser out of the salon, this relationship is very much like a deep friendship. Secrets are shared, advice is sought, laughter is shared.

A Female Person's Hairdresser knows everything about her.

Sometimes I wonder if the tip added to the bill is for the great hair, or for the unspoken guarantee of confidentiality.

Male People seem to instinctively know about this bond. Witness their awkwardness on meeting the Hairdresser when they come to collect their Female Person. Deep down, they know. They know that the Hairdressers knows:

• what they earn
• what they drive
• every tiny thing they do that irrates their Female Person
• how they are in bed.

The Caring Bond

The Hairdresser knows how much stress the Female Person is dealing with by simply combing through her roots.

The Hairdresser knows when the Female Person has a need for change in her life, and kicks this off with a brand new hairstyle.

The Hairdresser knows when the Female Person is on the edge and using bad judgement, and refuses to tie her hair up in a ponytail and snip the whole thing off.

The Hairdresser is ready with the glass of champagne, might take an extra moment to massage the head and shampoo cares away and really wants what's best for the Female Person in both her hairstyle, and her life.

The Female Persons loves her hairdresser because this person makes her look wonderful, lets her talk about anything and takes very, very good care of her.

Stuff Female People Like - No. 4: Girl's Night Out

This series is inspired by the blog/book Stuff White People Like.

4. Girl's Nights Out

Female People like to hang out and have fun with their own kind. To be fair, Male People like to do this too, but they often have to have some kind of excuse to pin the outing on, like a Pub (Trivia) Quiz or a Sporting Event or a Fishing Trip. Female People just like to get together.

There are two kinds of Girl's Nights Out.

The Get-A-Man Night

For obvious reasons, this is usually the type of night out held by Single Female People. The clue is essentially in the name. They are going out to have fun and attract men. Actually picking up the men is optional.

When I was in University, we would gather and decide whether it would be a "Shape" or "No Shape" night. I have no idea why, and I cringe to think of it now, but some fool had coined the term "Shape" that year to mean kiss, fondle, etc. It didn't necessarily mean going all the way, but physical contact was definitely involved.

And so, a Shape Night meant we were going to actually touch, and a No Shape night meant we were going out to just tease. Yep, we were little uppity bitches.
Irrespective of Shape or No Shape, there are certain rules to the Get-A-Man night.

1. Be silly and sexy. Female People morph into a gaggle of giggling geese on these nights out, and they love every second of it


2. Be the perfect wing woman. This can mean anything from scanning the bar to find the right candidate for your friend,to walking over to a guy to say something lame like "My friend liiiiiiiiikes you!"


3. Protect your friend at all costs. Make sure she is just drunk enough to have lost her uptight inhibitions but not so drunk that she is putting herself in danger. Does she really want to go home with that guy and is she compos mentis enough to handle herself? If not, tell him you're taking her to the toilet and sneak out of the bar, running to find a taxi.

Like the Spa Treatment, these events are an opportunity for rejuvenation, for the Female Person can dress up, go out, get validation when a man is attracted to her, and all within the safety net of her friends.

It's all about Women night

These nights are, quite frankly, far more fun. There is an unspoken pact that this is all about spending quality time with each other, establishing a sexual-tension-free zone and sharing deepest, darkest secrets.

Female People become, during these events, each other's mothers, sisters, confidants, therapists. Nothing - nothing - is taboo.

The first time the inner workings of these nights out were exposed to Male People was in the series Sex and the City. I cannot tell you how many times I have had to answer the question "Do women really talk like that?"

The answer is yes.

Female People are completely open to other Female People that they trust. And, therefore, these events also have rules:

1. Secrecy is pre-supposed. Nothing, unless it is a story about someone outside of those present, can be shared after the event


2. Giving advice is a given. Female People hold these events to counsel each other and Dr Ruth is most definitely with them in spirit


3. Laughter is guaranteed. Tears are permissible


4. Men are not allowed, unless they are gay


5. Alcohol has to be consumed and so does food that is bad for you, without any recriminations. Say the word "diet" and you are bound to get dirty looks.

Again, like the Spa Treatment, these events are an opportunity for rejuvenation for the Female Person. Having unburdened herself of her sad stories, received feedback she probably won't use and given copious amounts of advice she doesn't realize her friends won't follow, she feels re-energized in the bosom of her female tribe.

Stuff Female People Like - No. 3: Spa treatments

This series of posts is inspired by the blog/book Stuff White People Like.

3. Spa Treatments

Female People like Spa Treatments.

They pay not insignificant sums to have facials, massages, body scrubs.

Male People do not always understand this, so let me try to explain.

Spa Treatments don't involve sexual stimulation

For the Female Person, physical contact does not have to be sexual, it can just be enjoyable.

Consider the biological imperatives for the genders. Male People are programmed to hunt and to spread their seed. Only the second involves physical contact with other humans. Female People, on the other hand, are programmed to breed, to gather (i.e fruits, nuts, vegetables), and to nurture. Two out of three of these involve physical contact. Therefore, for the Female Person, physical contact can be sexual, or nurturing.

What this means is that the Female Person doesn't have to worry about getting a hard on on the massage table. They can just succumb to being healed, cared for, pampered.

Spa Treatments involve rest and respite

The Female Person, as explained in this post, are Jugglers. Again, consider the biological and evolutionary lessons. The Male Person must be focused on the hunt. The Female Person must be simultaneously breast-feeding the offspring, guarding the settlement from predators, gathering edible plants, cleaning the hovel and preparing the fire for the slab of mammoth which the hunter will bring home.

Even in modern times, the Female Person juggles. Home tasks, work tasks, gym, ideas to help friends solve their problems... all of these and more can be parallel, simultaneous, interweaving thoughts on the Female Person's mind. The Female Person is constantly taking care of things.

And so the Spa Treatment offers one hour of blessed respite. Stripped naked of everything that symbolizes the life outside - cellphone, handbag, clothes, even underwear - wrapped in soft sheets on a warmed bed, stilled by soft music, enclosed in a private, womb-like room, the Female Person succumbs to the attentions of the therapist who is there to do nothing else but care for, look after, stroke and soothe her.

And so, after this hour of sexual-tension-free indulgence, the Female Person can rise, dress and face the world again.

And, yes, this is worth over a hundred dollars and yes, it does need to happen at least once every two months.

Deal with it. Oh, and if you have any brains at all, Male Person, pay for it too, because then you'll be seen as part of the care, the comfort, the consolation, and you will be rewarded.

Stuff Female People Like - No. 2: Shoes

This series of posts is inspired by the blog/book Stuff White People Like.

2. Shoes

Female People like shoes. A lot.

Sometimes, Male People don't really understand why. Perhaps this will help.

Pretty Shoes = Sexual Power

Everyone knows that wearing heels shortens the calves, bends the spine and raises the arse. The woman in heels looks ready to be bent over and shagged senseless. Even cute little flats can catch the attention. The average red-blooded heterosexual man will enjoy imagining them wrapped around his neck.

And Female People know that pretty shoes warrant sexual attention. Deep down, they know.

Female People also know that pretty shoes give them sexual power because, in the human mating game, as in most animal breeds, it is the female who chooses.

The male biological imperative is to spread the seed. As far and wide as possible. For this, they need the female, and the female chooses the strongest, healthiest, best provider to carry his offspring to term. And so the male competes to be chosen:

• Sportscar = I am rich and a good provider. Please carry my seed.


• Six pack and pecks = I am strong and can protect you. Please carry my seed.


• Executive job = I am powerful and the leader of the pack. Please carry my seed.

And the female goes click-clacking by in her stilettos, with the ultimate power of choice. And she knows it.

Shoes make Female People feel sexy and powerful. And it feels good.

Pretty Shoes = Art

Yes, a really pretty shoe is a work of art. Imagine developing something both beautiful and practical within the constraints of construction required to create a shoe.

Manolo Blahnik, they say, can make a high heel pretty, frivolous and yet wearable. His shoes are Ferraris, Lamborghinis, Jaguars.

Steve Madden makes pretty flat shoes, combining complete comfort with charm. His shoes are Mercedes, BMWs, Porsches.

A wonderful shoe demonstrates the mastery of first class design.

Pretty Shoes = Self-Love for Large Ladies

The Female Person walks into the clothing store and looks around at the racks. There are some things she wants, but she can't find her size. Strange.

She looks around some more. Nope. No 16s. No 18s.

She asks the sales assistant, who sneers: "We only go up to a 14."

Humiliation, degradation, until she sees the shoe department. And now she can turn it all around. She can stomp over, find pretty shoes and buy something that the sales assistant wouldn't be able to afford even with staff discount.

Because everyone is thin when it comes to shoes. So there!

Pretty Shoes = An out for the lazy

The Female Person is running late, and doesn't feel like dressing up. There's no time to style her hair, rummage through the jewellery box, iron the flimsy blouse. She doesn't feel like putting on makeup, squeezing herself into tights so she can wear a dress, or sucking her tummy in all day to fit into those suit pants.

Pretty shoes to the rescue!

She emerges from the house in a ponytail, fresh face, no jewellery, jeans and a plain T-shirt. But she has on silver Steve Madden ballet pumps with little white bows.

She hurtles to work, parks the car, steps into the elevator and comes face to face with the Temporary Female Nemesis. These females lurk all over the place. They are the ones who are thinner than our Female Person, younger than her, richer than her, and the ones who took the time to get up an hour earlier and use the hot curling iron, put on the full paste from foundation to mascara and found three pieces of perfectly complementary costume jewellery.

Temporary Female Nemesis does the obligatory Scorn Scan, starting at Female Person's face and sweeping down her plain T-shirt, her boring jeans and then - wham! - everything changes as she hits the shoes. Female Person sees the scan, starts to cringe and then - oh, blessed relief! - palpably feels that millisecond when the Scorn stops. In the very moment that Nemesis sees the pretty shoes, all judgement is suspended. Female Person is saved.

A Ferrari key ring can't beat a Temporary Female Nemesis. Neither can being thinner, fitter, more built than her. Neither can pressing the button in the elevator for the executive floor. Nope. Only cute shoes can make that save.

And so, you see, Shoes fill many, many functions. They are not frivolous purchases gathering dust in the closet.

They are the Female Person's lingerie-drawer-art-collection-self-esteem-givers-time-savers.

Now do you get it?

Stuff Female People Like - No. 1: Microclean

This series is, of course, inspired by the blog/book "Stuff White People Like".

No. 1: Microcleaning

Female People like to microclean.

They'll be doing something completely unrelated to cleaning, like putting make up on, and they'll notice that there are a few hairs and some dust lurking behind the taps on the bathroom basin. Microdirt. So they'll reach over, without breaking their stride, grab a piece of toilet paper, wipe behind the taps, throw the toilet paper away and take a second to behold the much cleaner, much neater looking taps.

NOTE: Microclean = a small cleaning task

If you aren't watching carefully, you won't even see the Microclean happen. It's over in a flash.
It's a seemingly small thing, but it means a lot to Female People.

On the other hand, Female People tend not to understand that Male People do not know what Microcleaning is. They mistakenly think that Male People have chosen not to Microclean, when in fact the Male People (a) don't notice the Microdirt and so (b) wouldn't think to clean it.
This is because Male People and Female People are different kinds of circus performers.

Male People are lion tamers. When they are in the cage with the lions they are dominant and totally focussed. They have to be.

Female People are jugglers, keeping several things going at once, using periferal vision, co-ordination, balance, skill, timing.

The Female Person sees the Microdirt while not breaking concentration on the makeup application. The Male Person does not see the Microdirt. He went into the bathroom to take a shit, and that's it. Focus.

The gender divide over Microcleaning usually isn't an issue, unless the Female Person notices Microdirt that they are convinced the Male Person

1. must have seen,


2. must have been annoyed by,


3. must have been annoyed enough by to want to take action,


4. must have been able to compute an easy Microcleaning solution to the Microdirt which would in no way compromise the task he was previously engaged in


5. been motivated to take immediate action, and


6. not only excuted the Microclean but


7. done so effectively.

Female People simply don't understand that (1) doesn't happen, let alone (2) through (7). Therefore, blaming Male People for not making the effort to carry out (6) or not being thorough enough to ensure (7) is simply nonsensical.

Sadly, however, this is a common cause of disagreement in the average household.
Hence:

FP: "Do not tell me that you didn't notice the toilet roll was finished! Why didn't you put a new roll on?"
MP: "It's not finished. There's still one square on it."
FP: "Are you kidding me?"

NOTE: Microclean = a small cleaning task + one that is easily done

Another key thing to remember about Microcleaning is it's immediacy. Female People's motivation behind Microcleaning is simple: I'll get this tiny thing done now, and it won't turn into a big thing that has to be done later.

Microcleaning is a key tool in the Female Person's Disaster Prevention Arsenal.
Hence:

FP: "Honey, couldn't you have wiped the sauces splashes on the microwave glass
plate?"
MP: "What splashes?"
FP: "The splashes. Now we've microwaved other stuff and the sauce is cooked on."
MP: "Don't worry. It'll wipe off."
FP: "Oh sure! I'll be the one scrubbing it off!"
MP: "Well, leave it! I'll do it later!"
[Sound of scrubbing.]
MP: "Honey, what are you doing? I said I'd do it."
FP: "You know you bloody well won't."

NOTE: Microclean = a small cleaning task + that is easily done + right now

The gender divide aside, Microcleaning is important to Female People. Having accomplished the Microclean, the Female Person will be more relaxed, even slightly happier, feeling they have added some order to a chaotic world.