Stuff Female People Like - No. 7: Gay Men

This series is inspired by the blog/book Stuff White People Like.

7. Gay Men

Female People love gay men.
Of course, there are Female People who are homophobic, but I choose to ignore them because, let's face it, no-one should give those idiots any airtime. So... moving on.
Female People love gay men for various reasons.

Gay men are pretty, clean and nice
Female People love skin pampered by good products, hair styled and blow dried, nails freshly manicured, bodies hairless, fit, clean and softly scented.
Yes, I am generalizing. Get over it.
Gay men are well groomed, and female people love it.
Of course, part of it is simply the fake mystique of restricted exposure. By definition, the gay man is only part of a Female Person's life. She sees him when they are out on the town. She does not smell his farts or have to go to the toilet after him or step over the clothes he has left on the floor.
He is the nice, clean man she goes out and has fun with. And - mmmmmm - he smells good.

Gay men dance
Dancing is very important to Female People - see explanation here.
When your hetero hubby refuses to humiliate himself once again with the side to side shuffle, a gay man can be relied upon to accompany you to the dance floor. The trade off the Female Person has to accept, of course, is that the gay man invariably dance better than she does, but it's a small price to pay.

Gay men are fecking hilarious
Perhaps it's because, in overcome huge obstacles to come out and live in a hetero world, they have to learn to laugh at life. Perhaps it's genetic, like some believe of gayness itself. Perhaps it's a cultural thing, a "way we do things" which all gay mean learn as theyenter the social circles of their own kind.
Whatever it is, the gay male sense of humor is legendary. Whole sitcoms have revolved around it, dinner parties are rescued by it, careers are made on it. (If you don't know Stephen Fry, find him on Twitter and enjoy.)
The sense of humor is not just funny, it's bitchy, a heady cocktail of eagle-eyed observation, witty turn of phrase and a surgical precision in cutting to the core.
The best examples are Stewie Griffin from Family Guy, Jack from Will and Grace and Stephen Fry from anything he's been in.
Some gems from Mr Fry:

"An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them."
"Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive."
"I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me."
"When you've seen a nude infant doing a backward somersault you know why clothing exists."

Gay men make women feel good
There is a scene - I can't remember which movie or TV show it's in - where three gay men are out with a Female Person who needs some cheering up. They do rock, paper scissors to choose who is going to go up to her and bolster her self-esteem. The loser goes up to the Female Person and tells her how wonderful she looks.
Fake or not - it doesn't matter. The validation from gay men is vital to Female People. They notice when you have your hair cut, when you're wearing a new dress, when you're trying out a new color on your pedicure.
Sadly, these are things the Female Person's hetero hubby often doesn't pick up on, so hanging out with her gay friend is a wonderful self-esteem boost.

The gay man is unavailable
Being unavailable makes the gay man non-threatening. He is the adult version of the teenage pop idol - stimulating but safe because it will never actually turn into sex.
In fact, it's better than the teenage pop idol because you can actually touch the gay man. Stroking" - non-sexual touching - is an important part of happiness. Like dogs, we need petting too. The Female Person can get hugs, hold hands, get shoulder massages from a gay man.
But - and this is crucial - it's not sexual. It can be stimulating, but it never gets near fourth base. The Female Person can go out with the gay friend for dinner and not be worried that she'll have to "pay" with a BJ. She can even get kisses, experience a little quiver but not have to deliver.
It's the perfect combination - stroking and stimulation without any messy penetration.

Every Female Person should have her Gay Boyfriend. It's a heavenly match.