Quote Unquote - I dun make Ayn Rand shrugged

 

 "Dear Ayn Rand: What if I want to be altruistic for my own selfish reasons?"

My friend, Al   

Divided by a Common Language - Homesick again

A month or so ago, I wrote about a day when I felt that I didn't want to live here.

I feel like that today too.

Ironically, Fluffy Bear and I are going to look at shipping quotes today to bring all our stuff out of storage and over to the US - making a real commitment to living in this country.

I like the USA, and I have so many wonderful friends here - people who have become like family.

But there are times when I feel that I am different, that I don't belong.

I am a member of an online list of people who have been introduced by other people, and discuss all sorts of things.  I have seen people on this list support each other, share their lives and show real online friendship.

But, of course, people also have differing opinions.

And that's fine by me.  I mean, imagine if we all thought the same way?  How tedious.  

It is through the differing opinions of others that we also learn to question our own beliefs and keep ourselves balanced and honest.

I like to debate issues, and I like to see different sides to any story.

I embrace grey areas.  For me, nothing is ever black or white.

Growing up brown inside black and white

Perhaps it is because I grew up in a country where a division between black and white was written into law and caused so much pain and destruction.  

I personally heard a speech by someone who said that the Bible and evolution shows that black people are more primitive than white people and it's no use educating them - they were put on earth by God to do the manual work, to be our servants.  Ridiculous.

Within my country, where black was kept divided from white - by separate education, separate living areas - I grew up mixed-race, but legally identified as white.

Therefore, deep within me, there is a recognition of the complexity of things, the history of things, the underlying reasons for things.

Taught to question

I had an amazing English teacher in High School.  I'm not sure I really got it at the time but, as I look back, I can see how he, along with my mother, helped to open my mind.

He asked us one day what it would take for us to shoot someone, intending to kill them.  He didn't want us to answer him, just think about it.  I knew exactly what it would take for me to shoot someone... self-defense, or the defense of my family or any person I loved.  I wasn't scared that I would kill someone, I was scared that, when it came down to it, I might fuck it up and fail to stop the attacker, especially if that attacker was a rapist.

My English teacher also asked us how many bad things would have to happen to us for us to end up homeless on the street.  Even today, I ask myself this question, and I try to give money to every homeless person selling newspapers to try to get back on their feet.  Becoming homeless would be so, so simple: 6 steps, that's all it would take.

Estranged from my family --> Fluffy Bear leaves me --> I get depressed and piss off my friends, who turn away from me --> I lose my job --> I can't pay rent or get motivated to get another job --> Homeless.

The ultimate question

So if you combine those two things, our ability to kill and hurt other human beings and the simple steps that could completely change our lives, then the ultimate question is:

If everything is a gray area, is anyone out there evil, or could I have ended up where they are, doing what they did?

I really believe there is no such thing as evil.  There is no Axis of Evil, there are no evil people.

Would would it have taken for me to be a serial killer? To be Aileen Wournos, the serial killer played by Charlize Theron in Monster?

Aileen was the progeny of a child bride and a convicted pedophile, who committed suicide.  She was abandoned by her mother, left with her grandparents.  She was sexually abused, pregnant at 13 and gave her child up for adoption.  At 15, she was kicked out of her house and started supporting herself as a prostitute.  She lived in the woods for a time.  Who knows what abuses she suffered as a prostitute, what mental issues she may have inherited genetically and what psychological issues she may have gathered over the years of this awful life? 

If I had gone through the same experience, would I have killed men?

The answer is: I don't know.  But I might have.

I might have.

And I believe anyone might have.

So why am I going on about all this?  

Yesterday someone went into a coffee shop South of Tacoma, WA, and shot 4 Police officers who were sitting down, working on laptops and apparently planning their day.  Coming a few weeks after the fatal shooting of Officer Brenton and wounding of Officer Sweeney on Halloween night in Seattle, WA, this is a horrible event to happen in a community that is already hurting.

A man called Maurice Clemmons is a "person of interest", and the Police are searching for him.   Last night they surrounded a house but, we are now told, they didn't find Clemmons there.

While the SWAT team standoff was in progress, I sent an email to my online community saying that I hoped that everyone came out of it OK, including the suspect.

Someone replied that they hoped the suspect died a slow and painful death.

I made the point that evil does not exist, everyone is born in innocence and that criminals do what they do because of:

• religious indoctrination
• mental illness
• factors in their past
• desperation.

I was told that there is evil in the world, and asked how I explain serial killers, the Holocaust or pedophiles.

I said that serial killers have a mental illness, that "The Reader" is a good movie to watch to understand the Holocaust (from the point of view of the German people who took part in running the concentration camps), and that research and debate continues about whether or not pedophiles are mentally ill or not.

I got two replies that were very rude, even abusive, basically telling me that I had obviously never experienced evil and I didn't know what I was talking about.

So what?  Grow up!  What's this got to do with being homesick?

"So what?" is right.  I usually enjoy hearing opinions that differ from mine.

But I honestly believe there is a cultural difference here.

Some of the people on the other side of the email debate genuinely seemed to want this man, this as-yet unconvicted suspect, killed.

Maybe the English are less inclined to engage in that kind of rhetoric because they remember times in their history when they were the bad guys - concentration camps in South Africa, quelling uprisings in India.

Maybe the English are more into legal due process because they've been doing it for so much longer, while the US comes from a history of small towns of local Sherriffs who had to do whatever it took to retain order (no blame in this statement, just historical fact). 

Maybe it's because there is less of a gun culture in the UK.

Whatever it is, I just don't remember this kind of lynch mob mentality during the 13 years I lived in England.

And it really saddens me that this man, who has not yet been tried and convicted, is in real danger of being killed a law enforcement officer who may think the way that the people in my email community do.

And right now I'd rather be back in England than here in the USA.

I know this feeling will pass.  I'll wake up tomorrow loving the wonderful traditions and amazing landscape and warmth and friendship of all the American people around me.  I'll be grateful again for this place that has given me a new home, a new job and two amazing furkids.  I'll admire the incredible talent all around me, on TV, in public office and in the workplace.

But that's tomorrow.

Not today.

Today I just feel sad.

Update on Tuesday, December 1, 2009 at 6:38AM by Ittybittycrazy

Draw your own conclusions:

Extract.

By Associated Press and KING5.com

Posted on December 1, 2009 at 4:07 AM

SEATTLE -  The man suspected of gunning down four police officers in a suburban coffee shop was shot and killed by Seattle police early Tuesday, a sheriff's spokesman said.

Maurice Clemmons was shot to death in a working-class south Seattle neighborhood after police tracked him down using possible hiding spots supplied by Pierce County investigators, said Ed Troyer, a spokesman for the county sheriff.

Authorities say Clemmons, 37, killed the four Lakewood officers at a coffee shop Sunday morning in Parkland, a Tacoma suburb about 35 miles south of Seattle.

Officials say the Tuesday morning confrontation took place at about 2:40 a.m. in the 4400 block of South Kenyon Street in the Rainier Valley neighborhood.

At the scene, a couple of dozen police officers milled around, shaking hands and patting each other on the back after one of the largest manhunts in the region's history.

At a news conference, police said a patrol officer came upon a reported stolen car. He observed some movement near the car and recognized the suspect.

"(The officer) says he recognized the person who was approaching him as to be looking or appeared to be just like the person who has been broadcast as the possible suspect in the tragic homicide in Lakewood," said Assistant Seattle Police Chief Jim Pugel.

The officer ordered the person to stop. The suspect began to run. The officer fired several rounds, hitting the suspect.  The suspect was dead at the scene. Police say the suspect was armed with a gun taken from one of the slain Lakewood Police officers.

...

Clemmons had a serious gunshot wound from one of the four officers killed in the coffee-shop shooting.

...

Extract.

Q13 FOX News Online

6:23 AM PST, December 1, 2009

SEATTLE - A two day manhunt had come to an end. Maurice Clemmons, the suspect in the murders of four Lakewood Police officers has been shot and killed by Seattle Police. Officers say at the time of the shooting Clemmons had a weapon on him that belonged to one of the the Lakewood officers he's accused of shooting.

It all began when a 7 year veteran to the Seattle police was patrolling the area of the 4400 block of South Kenyon Street in the Rainier Valley around 2:45 a.m. Tuesday morning. The officer noticed an unoccupied stolen vehicle parked on the side of the street. The vehicle was reported stolen earlier Monday night. The vehicle was running and no one was in it. That's when the officer noticed movement behind his patrol car. He got out of his patrol car and recognized a man who looked like Maurice Clemmons, the suspect in the Lakewood Police shootings approaching him. The officer ordered the man to stop and show his hands. The man refused and started to run back around the patrol car. The officer again told him to stop and fired several rounds. Seattle Fire quickly responded to the scene and it was determined that the man, Maurice Clemmons, was dead.

There have been several other arrests in the past 24 hours, including that of the suspected get-away driver and three other people who aided and abetted Clemmons over the past two day. Prosecutors will arraign all in the next 48 hours. Authorities are still actively working to find others who helped him including friends and relatives and Pierce County Sheriff's spokeman Ed Troyer says he expects more arrests Tuesday.

Authorities suspected 37-year old Clemmons of gunning down four police officers at Forza Coffee shop Sunday morning in Lakewood, a suburb about 35 miles south of Seattle. Troyer said Tuesday morning that Clemmons was shot in the abdomen during the attack on the Lakewood officers. Troyer said the wound was so bad it's hard to believe that Clemmons was able to survive for two more days.

His death comes just one day after authorities said they believed Clemmons was being helped to escape capture by a network of friends and family.

...

Clemmons had a warrant for four counts of first degree murder in the shooting deaths of Sgt. Mark Renninger, 39, and Officers Ronald Owens, 37, Tina Griswold, 40, and Greg Richards, 42.

Komo 4 News

Story Published: Dec 1, 2009 at 4:43 AM PST

Story Updated: Dec 1, 2009 at 5:51 AM PST

SEATTLE - The man suspected of gunning down four police officers in a suburban coffee shop was shot and killed by Seattle police early Tuesday, a sheriff's spokesman said.

Maurice Clemmons was shot to death around 2:40 a.m. on Kenyon Street outside a home in South Seattle.

Seattle Police Assistant Chief Jim Pugel said a Seattle police officer on patrol in South Seattle came upon an unoccupied running car that had been reported stolen earlier in the night. 

As the officer radioed in the license plate and began his investigation of the stolen car, he noticed someone behind his police cruiser. The officer got out and recognized the person as Clemmons, Pugel said.

The officer ordered the person to stop and show his hands, but the man did not comply and began to run away around the vehicle.

The officer fired several rounds and struck the man, gravely wounding him. Seattle medics responded and loaded the wounded man into an ambulance, but he was pronounced dead a short time later. Officers later confirmed the man was Clemmons.

Pugel said Clemmons had a gun on him that was traced back to one stolen from one of the killed officers at the Lakewood coffee shop.

The Seattle officer was not hurt in Tuesday morning's shooting. Pugel has not identified him, except to say he is a seven year veteran of the force. The officer has been placed on administrative leave as per standard policy. Police are also talking to two witnesses to the event.

Pugel said police are unsure why Clemmons was in that neighborhood and as of yet, have not connected him to any home in the area. 

In addition to Clemmons, three other people were arrested overnight for aiding and abetting in Clemmons' escape, said Pierce County Sheriff's Department spokesman Ed Troyer.

One of those included the driver of the getaway vehicle in the original shooting, and Troyer said he expects more arrests Tuesday. Troyer said these people tried to hide Clemmons, moved him from location to location, provided him with cell phones and money, and was helping him make arrangements to leave the state. 

"They are going to pay for it," Troyer said.

...

Police said they aren't sure what prompted Clemmons to shoot the officers as they did paperwork on their laptops. Clemmons was described as increasingly erratic in the past few months and had been arrested earlier this year on charges that he punched a sheriff's deputy in the face.

At the scene, a couple of dozen police officers milled around, shaking hands and patting each other on the back after one of the largest manhunts in the region's history.

Clemmons had stayed on the run for nearly two days with help from a network of friends and family who gave him places to stay, medical aid, rides and money, police said. Troyer told Fox News police arrested three people overnight on suspicion of rendering criminal assistance.

...

Killed were Sgt. Mark Renninger, 39, and Officers Ronald Owens, 37, Tina Griswold, 40, and Greg Richards, 42.

Troyer told the Tacoma News-Tribune that Clemmons indicated the night before the shooting "that he was going to shoot police and watch the news."

Police surrounded a house in a Seattle neighborhood late Sunday following a tip Clemmons had been dropped off there. After an all-night siege, a SWAT team entered the home and found it empty. But police said Clemmons had been there.

Police frantically chased leads on Monday, searching multiple spots in the Seattle and Tacoma area and at one point cordoning off a park where people thought they saw Clemmons.

Authorities found a handgun carried by the killer, along with a pickup truck belonging to the suspect with blood stains inside. They posted a $125,000 reward for information leading to Clemmons' arrest and alerted hospitals to be on the lookout for a man seeking treatment for gunshot wounds.

"We need to get him into custody and we need to end this," Troyer said Monday night.

Authorities in two states were criticized amid revelations that Clemmons was allowed to walk the streets despite a teenage crime spree in Arkansas that landed him an 108-year prison sentence. He was released early after then-Gov. Mike Huckabee commuted his sentence.

Huckabee cited Clemmons' youth in granting the request. But Clemmons quickly reverted to his criminal past, violated his parole and was returned to prison. He was released again in 2004.

"This guy should have never been on the street," said Brian D. Wurts, president of the police union in Lakewood. "Our elected officials need to find out why these people are out."

Huckabee said on Fox News Channel's "The O'Reilly Factor" Monday night that Clemmons was allowed back on the street because prosecutors failed to file paperwork in time.

Pulaski County Prosecutor Larry Jegley, whose office opposed Clemmons' parole in 2000 and 2004, said Huckabee's comments were "red herrings."

"My word to Mr. Huckabee is man up and own what you did," Jegley said.

Clemmons was charged in Washington state earlier this year with assaulting a police officer and raping a child, and investigators in the sex case said he was motivated by visions that he was Jesus Christ and that the world was on the verge of the apocalypse.

But he was released from jail after posting bail with the assistance of Jail Sucks Bail Bonds.

Documents related to those charges indicate a volatile personality. In one instance, he is accused of gathering his wife and young relatives and forcing them to undress.

"The whole time Clemmons kept saying things like trust him, the world is going to end soon, and that he was Jesus," a Pierce County sheriff's report said.

I'm jus' sayin' - Befuddledypuppy

 

I know I should close the lid, but watching the puppy's befuddled little face as she tries to understand the toilet flush is just too funny.

I'm jus' sayin'.

9 to 5 - Dry run

 

6:00 am - Wake up, reluctantly.  

6:01 am - Reassure Fluffy Bear, who woke up with a yell because we haven't had any alarms on for the last 6 months

6:05 am - Let dogs out to pee

6:10 am - Feed dogs, trying to teach crazy puppy not to eat her brother's food

6:20 am - Let dogs out to pee, stand in the cold begging Puppy Girl to poop

6:28 am - Gratefully scoop poop

6:30am - Let Puppy Dog back through to the bedroom to sleep some more.  Try to get Puppy Girl to lie quietly on our bed.  Fail.

6:35am - Let Puppy Girl into the living room to play, whispering Choopelah as I kick a ball across the floor.  Close puppy gate.  Head for the shower

6:40am - Shower while Puppy Girl stands at the puppy gate barking and crying and a grumpy Fluffy Bear yells at her to shut up from the bed... there is a flaw in this process

7:00am - Let Puppy Girl through puppy gate and put her on our bed.  Blowdry hair while she looks at me, confused, tilting her head

7:10am - Pretend to do makeup 

7:15am - Make smoothie for breakfast with Puppy Girl watching my every move, hoping for some food

7:25 am - Give Puppy Girl and Puppy Dog the almost empty yogurt container

7:30am - Pretend to get dressed but, in reality, get right hand chewed off by puppy while I try to wipe yogurt off her face

7:40 am - Stop pretending it's a working day, and hit the couch.

Conclusion: I can make it out of the house by 7:45ish to get to the bus to get to work on time, but we have to do something about the Puppy Girl factor.  

Tomorrow will try putting her back on the bed with her dad straight after her breakfast.

Wish us luck.

Couch Potato - Sexism in "Twilight - New Moon"

 

Spoiler alert! You may not want to read this if you haven't seen Twilight New Moon yet, and you are planning to.  If you're not planning to pay $12 to sit though this movie, good for you.  It's not really worth it.  But that's a conversation for another time...

I went to see "Twilight - New Moon" with an open mind.  I hadn't read the book and I was ready for a fun night out in an over 21 cinema where we could get past the teenage sappiness with copious amounts of alcohol.

As expected, we got the sexual tension, the action, the special effects and lots of male six packs.

What I was surprised by, though, was the sexism.

And the gender bias wasn't just aimed at women - young boys got what I consider to be negative messages too.

Male Sexism - you have to be a superhero to get the girl

Young men watching Twilight - assuming they'll bother to go see it in the first place (unless, of course, they're dragged there by a girl) - are basically shown that, to get the girl, you have to be superhero.  

We already know about Edwards' abilities and, even though the moment his shirt comes off is disappointing compared to the various gratuitous shots of Jacob's chest, he's still pretty lean and muscular.

Even the previously sweet boy next door character, Jacob, has morphed into a bepecced, be-sixpacked Adonis who, when he cuts his hair, deserves to grace the cover of Mens Health magazine.

He's also a killer mechanic, able to fix up a junkyard motorcycle shell into a mean machine.

And, as those annoying commercials say on TV, that's not all!

Jacob comes of age, and starts to morph into a super-strong, massive, fur-ruffled-by-the-breeze werewolf.

So poor Mike, the only normal male who might be a potential love interest, really doesn't stand a chance.  Not only does his hair have a reddish tinge - the greatest crime in the looks department that your genes can commit against you - he is simply nice looking.

When Mike takes Bella to an action movie, not only is he immediately overshadowed by Jacob and his neck-of-steel, but his disgust at the violent content, leading him to throw up, is cruelly portrayed as weakness.

A normal, sensitive boy is a total loser in the Twilight world.  The fact that he thinks he might have a chance with Bella is borderline laughable.

Boys - if you can't have a magic power, you better at least have a six pack.

Female sexism - Woman as victim

The character of Bella is the the eternal victim.  She is constantly in need of rescue, sometimes due to her own ridiculous stupidity.

I mean, for God's sake, any girl who can't open a small square package wrapped with a bow in a room full of vampires without cutting her finger open is a fucking moron.

Only when she has to save Edward's life does Bella take any action in this film.  And her action consists of running through a crowd to hug Edward and show she's alive.  Not exactly Xena Warrior Princess or Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  Apart from pushing people out of her way and sprinting through a fountain, Bella's passivity is epic.

When Edward tells her his family is leaving, she automatically assumes she is going with him.  She seems to have absolutely nothing in her life that's important to her except this man.  No sport, no hobbies, no thoughts of a a possible career.  She would leave her father, her friends, her home at the drop of a hat for a guy she's know for a year and thinks she is in love with.

And please don't tell me it's true love.  You don't know shit about love at that age.

When Edward actually does leave, Bella is borderline comatose.  She is shown sitting in an armchair, staring out at the rain, for months.  The only time we see her doing any homework in this movie, she is in front of the TV, and not really paying attention to her books.  She seems to have absolutely no ambition at all.

She hangs out with guys she doesn't really love, expecting them to just be there for her, despite her not giving them anything in return.  When I was young, boys called girls like that Prickteasers, and they were hated and teased for it.

When she finally comes out of her funk and buys two motorbike wrecks from the junkyard, she takes them to Jacob to fix up because she wants to put herself into a dangerous situation and, through putting herself in harm's way, see visions of Edward.  

She goes straight from one man to a boy, using him to get to her man.  Her entire life is defined by a male, her support system is the next male.

Throughout the weeks the bikes are rebuilt, she doesn't once help Jacob except to hand him a tool or get the pizza from the delivery man.  Just sit there and look melancholy and pretty, girls, and, if push comes to shove, make sure your man has food.  

When the bikes are done up, she crashes hers immediately.  She just pretty fucking useless at anything apart from pouting and, for no reason at all (the actress isn't done up to look particularly attractive) inexplicably bewitching the males around her.

Her selfishness and self-absorption borders on utter narcissism, to the point where her father wants to send her away to live with her mother - who can blame him?  Pouty teenagers are pain in the ass at the best of times but her lower lip is drooping so far she risks hurting herself tripping on it.

She isn't even a good friend. When she finally reconnects with a girlfriend and goes out with her, she sees some bozo on a motorbike on a side street and, again wanting to place herself in danger, gets on the back of his bike for a joyride.  Even when I was in High School, any friend who did that to me would immediately be an ex-friend.  

As women, I am sure we all know the kind of female friend who is only around after a breakup and then disappears as soon as the next boyfriend comes along.  They're pathetic and a waste of your time and effort.

The character of Bella is passive, pouting, and constantly in need of rescue.

The theme of female victimhood is is reinforced by the character of the fiance of one of the werewolves, half her face disfigured when he "lost control" yet still by his side, kissing him and providing food for the were-boys when they drop in to visit.

As the movie progressed, I sympathized less and less with the central character of Bella, and came to believe that everyone - human or not - would be better of if she just bloody well drowned when she stupidly jumped off that cliff.

The character as portrayed in this film is a terrible role model for young women.

I couldn't help but contrast the main characters in the Twilight movie series with their counterparts in the Harry Potter one.  

In spite of magic powers, Harry and Ron are pretty normal boys, and Hermione is a girl who tries to get ahead in the world and become her own person.  

Also, teenage kids are shown actually kissing and getting it on in the background in the last Harry Potter movie, whereas Twilight is filled with short kisses and Bella's frustrated moans... annoying, and not what real teenagers these days are doing.

So talk to your teenage girls about contraception and let them watch Hermione excel in Harry Potter, because the victimhood of Twilight and the abstinence approach just aren't healthy.

He Said She Said - Black Friday

For those of you outside the US, Black Friday is a day of major sales after Thanksgiving where people queue up in the early hours of the morning to be the first into the store at 4am, 5am and other times that I firmly believe do not exist and should never been seen.

"I thought you were just going to the laptop repair shop?" she said.

"Well, I was near an Office Max so I went in," he said.

"On Black Friday? Are you nuts?"

"It was 3pm!  Most of the people were gone by then.  And look what I got!"

"What the hell is that?"

"It's a Label Maker!" he said, excited.

"They still make those?  Why the hell did you get it?"

"They were practically giving it away," he said.

"So what?  We don't need it," she countered.

"But they were giving it away," he said.

"OK," she said, "let's just agree to disagree on this one."

"OK....." he said, bemused.

Later, he saw it...

Being a Doggy Mama - Choopelaaaaaah!

 

Getting the dogs to play sometimes takes some trickery.

They have toys lying all over the house, but they tend to follow me around and get under my feet.

So I've created the toy box.

Every day I pack up the toys that are out and then I get to make a big deal out of pulling something out of the box for them to play with.

To get them doubly excited, I throw the toy across the room and whoop-yell something to get them excited.

The whoop-yell is usually a made up word.

I've made up words for years.  It started when I went into the workplace and couldn't swear (curse) anymore, and really crystallized when we first moved to the US and the hairy eyeballs I got in supermarkets made it clear to me that saying "Why the FUCK are there so many breakfast cereals?!?!?" wasn't socially acceptable.

Saying "Fattyboozlybuckawallie" is better than "Fuckingbollocksbuggery."

This word invention has served me well when trying to get the dogs to chase a toy and leave us alone for five minutes.

Here are some of the words I whoop, soprano-cheerleader style:

• "CHOOP-E-LAAAAAH!"
• "OM-POMPIE-DOOBIE!"
• "OOKIE-SHOOOOOOOKIE!"
• "WAN-A-KAT-A-LAAAAAH!"
• "BARRA-MINKIE-POOOOOOOO!"
• "ORRRA-WARRA-WARRA-WARRRRAAAAAAH!" (rolling of the R's is de rigeur)
• "GOH-GED-EEEEEEEET!" (origins of this one are obvious)
• "FAL-ESKIE-BLOO-BLOOOOOOOO!"
• "HOOOOOOO-GAJJA-WAH-WAAAAAAAAH!"

Works every time.

Bucket List - Swim in the sea

The Bucket List is a list of things I want to do/feel I should do before I die.  I've done some of them already, and I'm telling one of those stories here.  To see the whole list, click here.

I am lucky because I grew up near the sea.

Some people never get to see it.

The sea around South Africa isn't one of those nice oceans that are still and transparent.  There's a reason that surfing is a big deal over there.  The waves are high, and the currents are strong.  If you don't know what you're doing, you're toast.

It was my brother who taught me how to swim in it.  

He told me about the undertow, the dip in the sand before you get to the shelf and how, if you get out to the shelf (where the water can be deceptively shallow till a wave comes), you have to watch and time the waves so you can body surf them into shore.

He taught me how to keep an eye out to make sure I wasn't floating out too far, and especially to stay between the two red flags that the lifeguards put up to demarcate the safe swimming area.

I preferred swimming out to catch the swells before the wave broke, feeling that upward lift and downward sink in my stomach as the water whooshed under me.

I always felt safe swimming in the sea with my brother.

Now that I live so far away from my family, it's one of my happiest memories of time spent with him.

Wherever I travel, if we go near the beach, I have to dip my toe in the sea, even if we're having dinner and we're all dressed up.  Maybe it's OCD, maybe it's homesickness, maybe there's just something special about the sea... but I do it every time.

Dear Diary - 6 months to live?

 

Dear Diary,

I am watching Bucket List on TV and, apart from reminding me to update my own list, it's making me think what I'd do if I was told I had 6 months to live.

Here are a few ideas:

• Take up smoking again
• Drive an American muscle car round a racetrack
• Have a lot of sex with Fluffy Bear
• Hire a female prostitute to give Fluffy Bear a threesome
• Walk my dogs a LOT
• Throw a big party for all my friends - 80's theme, of course
• Get one of those massages where 4 people massage you at once
• Try smoking pot
• Try Ecstasy
• Skydive, tandem of course (fuck taking all that pre-learning crap)
• Go back to South Africa and throw another big party for my family and friends there
• Go on the scariest rollercoaster I can find
• Hire a professional dancer to dance salsa with me at a club (I know enough to be led in a fairly decent dance)
• Sit on Fluffy Bear's lap and be held.

9 to 5: T - 1 week

 

Now that the Thanksgiving holiday is over, the reality of my having a new job is sinking in.

And I'm nervous.

1. I haven't been living on an employee schedule.  Will I be able to get up in the morning and go to bed early enough at night?
2. My butt has been imprinted on the couch for 6 months.  Will I have the energy to get through an 8 hour day?
3. Am I completely out of practice talking that PC, polite way you have to in the corporate world?
4. Have I forgotten how to actually do what I do? 
5. This is a completely different industry for me.  Am I going to sound like an ignorant moron?
6. New team-mates, new customers, new stakeholders... how do I make them all like me?
7. Yes, I have new wellies (rain boots), but am I ready to actually walk to work in the rain?

And yes, I am also excited.  So I'm hanging onto that...

Dear Diary - Thanksgiving

 

Dear Diary

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I suppose I should think about the things that I am thankful for:

• My wonderful, master chef husband, Fluffy Bear
• My handsome Puppy Dog
• My cutie wootie Puppy Girl
• My new job!
• Any person out there who doesn't dock their dog's tail or mutilate it's ears
• Any person out there who has a pit bull as a loving, family pet
• My warm home (even though we don't own it)
• My family who keep me in their hearts, even though I am far away
• My friends nearby, my surrogate family
• My friends afar, who keep in touch
• Nordstrom, where I can go to experience real customer service at any time
• My blog, where I can express myself
• My therapist, who helps me see the connections and lessons in my life
• Anyone who fights for gay, women's, or race rights
• Anyone who works or volunteers for a charitable cause
• Nelson Mandela and FW De Klerk, for transitioning my home country without bloodshed 
• The Queen, for consistently giving us an example of dignity
• Cable TV, for entertaining me
• Books, for transporting my imagination
• Anyone who knows how to drive round a roundabout properly
• Anyone who has a hands-free cellphone kit in their car instead of holding their fucking phone to their ear and driving with one hand
• My fellow bloggers and twitpeeps
• Anyone who serves in the military, doing our dirty work for us
• Military families, who sacrifice so much
• Anyone who works in one of those jobs that's badly paid, not respected enough, yet vital to us all: Police, Firemen and women, Ambulance people, Nurses, Doctors and Psychiatrists who do public or charitable work
• My parents, who watch over me from above.

He Said She Said - SALE!

 

"So... the puppy gets us up at 5:45am every morning, right?" she asked.

"Yeeeeeeessss..." he said, warily.

"Well, I was thinking..."

"Yes?" he asked, his voice showing real concern now.

"Maybe we should take part in this Black Friday Thanksgiving Sale thing, get up early and head out to Ikea and get a new dining room set."

"WHY?"

Of all the stores in the world, he hated Ikea most.  

She started to giggle.  

He got the joke.

"Don't DO that to me!" he wailed.

Quote Unquote - Just in time

 

"Oh my God! You're watching The View!  YOU HAVE TO GO BACK TO WORK!"

Fluffy Bear

Note to Self - Dog toys

 

Note to self:

Do not spend $16 on an extra-special, purple, "tuff" dog toy shaped like an octopus when an empty 7 Up soda bottle keeps the puppy amused for two days.

Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day No. "Who Gives a Shit?"

I have a new job!

Note to self: Dog abuse

 

Note to self:

Do NOT squeeze those things that look like blackheads on your doggie's tummy.

Boy dogs have nipples too.

That's life - 10 things designed by people who didn't have to clean them

 

1. Toilets
2. Claw foot tubs
3. Radiators
4. Gas cookers (stovetops) with rings and those tin cup things underneath them
5. Dog crates
6. Bookshelves
7. Free standing bathroom sinks
8. Glass paneled front doors
9. Blenders
10. Roasting (broiling) pans

Dear Diary - The Crap Creep

 

Dear Diary,

I broke down about a week ago.

I just couldn't stand it anymore.  

I called our cleaning company.

We aren't earning like we used to (OK, so I'm not earning at all), so we had stopped our weekly cleaning services.

When you have to economize and get rid of the cleaner, you say you'll do it all yourself, but it just doesn't work out that way.  Sure, you clean, but you do bits here and there, and the whole house is never completely dusted, vacuumed and mopped.  

And then, one day, you sit down on the toilet, humming a happy tuneless ditty, and make the mistake of looking down.  You see the kazillionth dusty little hairball and the camel screams in pain while the straw roars in triumph.

And so, dear Diary, our dear cleaner came back to us.  Just once.  Just today.

In the time that she would normally clean the whole place and do washing and ironing, she wasn't even able to get to Fluffy Bear's office.  And she fucking worked.

The microwave was unplugged and put on the floor to clean the counter.  The sofa was moved away from the wall to get to the radiator.  The bed was stripped and she probably was totally freaked when the linen marched off the mattress on it's own.

And so we came home this afternoon to a foreign place.  

Air smelling the way it should.  Linoleum the color they made it. Throw pillows on the sofa where they ought to be.  A spotless kitchen sink.

And then, dear Diary, the Crap Creep began.

It doesn't take much.

A Coke can put next to the microwave to go into recycling, my purse emptied onto the dining room table, the dogs shaking vigorously and sending their hairs flying in every direction.

By tomorrow, we'll be untidy again.

By the end of the next day the paw print collage will stretch from the back door to the living room.

Before a week has passed, there'll be gunk behind the bath taps.

But - guess what? - this isn't tomorrow, dear Diary. Not yet.

This is today.

And a clean house is pure blissssssssss...

I'm jus' sayin' - Upsidedowny kiss

 

When my husband leans over the back of the couch and gives me an upside down kiss, it feels kinda funny and kinda yummy all at the same time.

I'm jus' sayin'.

Dear Diary - I'VE BEEN CENSORED!

Dear Diary,

I am pissed.

In the American sense (pissed off), not the English sense (drunk), unfortunately.

Although I'm about to head for the Vinho Verde and correct that.

Why am I seething, dear Diary?

Well, here's what happened.

I read a blogpost on a California newspaper website.  It was about another blogpost by a Virginia man who had taken his 11 year old son to Hooters.  Mr Virginia said on his blog that he had taken his son there to see how he would react to the women. 

I left a comment on the California newspaper website.

If I remember correctly, it went something like:

If there was a restaurant chain called Shooters, where tanned, handsome men with six packs waited on tables in Calvin Klein tighty whities and leather chaps, then this would be OK.

But there isn't, so it's not OK.

If Hooters had male waiters in orange shorts and tank tops stretched over their pecs, this would be OK.

But they don't, so it's not OK.

If this man had taken his son to another part of town to "see how he reacts to black people" would that be OK?

If there was a restaurant called NIGGAS where all the waiters were black and you could call them “boy” would that be OK?

If you are ever confused about whether something is sexist, substitute "black" for "women" and see if it sounds wrong to you.

And by the way, Hooters' hiring practices are something Mrs Palin, on her bookpushing Magical Mavericky Tour, believes in -- "profiling."

The reason I said that the above was what "I thought" I wrote, is this:

THEY DELETED MY COMMENT.

Here's their very nice email:

Hello,

I am one of the managers of [The Blog] on [Website]. While we
welcome comments to our posts and try our best not to censor anyone, I have
to ask you to revise a sentence in your comment before we can publish it.

Here is the sentence: If there was a restaurant called NIGGAS where all the
waiters were black and you could call them “boy” would that be OK?

I understand the point you are making, but it is our policy at the [The Newspaper] not to print the N-word except if it is necessary in the context of a news
story for news worthy purposes.

I really do like the points you made. Could you please re-send your comment
without the use of that word?

Thank you,

[Name]

[Job title]

I guess they don't have a very strong sense of irony.