REPOST - Hell is other people - And they're everywhere

 

Why am I reposting old stuff?  Well, here's the thing about a blog.  The good stuff gets left behind to rot, assigned to a date in the past.  So, now and then, I'm just gonna pull out some of the stuff that I like and bring it into the present again.

This post was originally dated Friday, February 20, 2009.

This is the very first Hell is Other People post.

Things irritate me.

When they do, I tend to have a dialogue (OK, OK, a monologue) with the people who cause those things. It's only in my head, of course, but it makes me feel better.

Here's what irritated me today:

• The guy who came up to the roundabout at the same time as me, on the opposite side, and turned left instead of going around it, almost hitting me. It's a roundabout, Asshole - the clue is in the name. You go round it anticlockwise and you give way to the left!


• The person in the Escalade who almost stole my parking outside the Fast Food Joint. Hey! Listen, Asshole. And yes, I know you are an asshole because you own an Escalade. That was my parking! I was sitting here, with my indicator on, waiting for that parking space and you saw me doing it. So nice try on taking to get in there but I guess my little car is more agile than your fucking tank. Tell me, Asshole, did the credit check for that car consist of valuing your bling bling? Does it have a special holder in there for your baseball cap? Did they give you a free velveteen tracksuit when you bought it? Huh? Huh?


• The Receptionist at the Chiropractor who asked me if I had any plans for the weekend. It's five o' clock, Honey, and you've been here since 9am. Have you asked everyone that inane question? Did anyone actually give you an interesting reply? I'd ask what you are doing this weekend but, here's the thing - I don't care.


• The male barista at the coffee bar who sat there reading rather than getting up to ask me what I'd like to drink. Get the fuck up and do your job, Numbnuts. Don't fool yourself that you are above all this because your grungy little music career is "about to take off". You're 29 and you're still here so how about you grab some coffee beans and get grinding.

Hell is other people.

Repost - Quote Unquote - Old King Cole

  

Why am I reposting old stuff?  Well, here's the thing about a blog.  The good stuff gets left behind to rot, assigned to a date in the past.  So, now and then, I'm just gonna pull out some of the stuff that I like and bring it into the present again.

This post was originally dated Saturday, March 14, 2009.

Years ago, in a land far away, I met a lovely woman who told me a great story about her kid.

He was about six, and he was given one of those nusery rhyme CDs for his birthday. He loved it, learnt all the songs and used to sing them in the bath.

One day, his mother heard him belting out at the top of his voice but, when he got to a certain line, he whispered instead of singing.

She asked him why, and he said, clearly uncomfortable, that there were "bad words" in the song.

"What bad words?" she asked him, confused.

And so, awkwardly, he sang to his mother:

 "Old King Cole was a merry arsehole and a merry arsehole was he..."

REPOST - Stuff Female People Like - No 1: Microclean

 

Why am I reposting old stuff?  Well, here's the thing about a blog.  The good stuff gets left behind to rot, assigned to a date in the past.  So, now and then, I'm just gonna pull out some of the stuff that I like and bring it into the present again.

This post was originally dated 3 April, 2009.

No. 1: Microcleaning

 

Female People like to microclean.

 

They'll be doing something completely unrelated to cleaning, like putting make up on, and they'll notice that there are a few hairs and some dust lurking behind the taps on the bathroom basin. Microdirt. So they'll reach over, without breaking their stride, grab a piece of toilet paper, wipe behind the taps, throw the toilet paper away and take a second to behold the much cleaner, much neater looking taps.

 

NOTE: Microclean = a small cleaning task

 

If you aren't watching carefully, you won't even see the Microclean happen. It's over in a flash.

It's a seemingly small thing, but it means a lot to Female People.

 

On the other hand, Female People tend not to understand that Male People do not know what Microcleaning is. They mistakenly think that Male People have chosen not to Microclean, when in fact the Male People (a) don't notice the Microdirt and so (b) wouldn't think to clean it.

This is because Male People and Female People are different kinds of circus performers.

Male People are lion tamers. When they are in the cage with the lions they are dominant and totally focussed. They have to be.

Female People are jugglers, keeping several things going at once, using periferal vision, co-ordination, balance, skill, timing.

 

The Female Person sees the Microdirt while not breaking concentration on the makeup application. The Male Person does not see the Microdirt. He went into the bathroom to take a shit, and that's it. Focus.

The gender divide over Microcleaning usually isn't an issue, unless the Female Person notices Microdirt that they are convinced the Male Person

1. must have seen,


2. must have been annoyed by,


3. must have been annoyed enough by to want to take action,


4. must have been able to compute an easy Microcleaning solution to the Microdirt which would in no way compromise the task he was previously engaged in


5. been motivated to take immediate action, and


6. not only excuted the Microclean but


7. done so effectively.

Female People simply don't understand that (1) doesn't happen, let alone (2) through (7). Therefore, blaming Male People for not making the effort to carry out (6) or not being thorough enough to ensure (7) is simply nonsensical.

Sadly, however, this is a common cause of disagreement in the average household.
Hence:

FP: "Do not tell me that you didn't notice the toilet roll was finished! Why didn't you put a new roll on?"
MP: "It's not finished. There's still one square on it."
FP: "Are you kidding me?"

NOTE: Microclean = a small cleaning task + one that is easily done

Another key thing to remember about Microcleaning is it's immediacy. Female People's motivation behind Microcleaning is simple: I'll get this tiny thing done now, and it won't turn into a big thing that has to be done later.

Microcleaning is a key tool in the Female Person's Disaster Prevention Arsenal.

Hence:

FP: "Honey, couldn't you have wiped the sauces splashes on the microwave glass
plate?"
MP: "What splashes?"
FP: "The splashes. Now we've microwaved other stuff and the sauce is cooked on."
MP: "Don't worry. It'll wipe off."
FP: "Oh sure! I'll be the one scrubbing it off!"
MP: "Well, leave it! I'll do it later!"
[Sound of scrubbing.]
MP: "Honey, what are you doing? I said I'd do it."
FP: "You know you bloody well won't."

NOTE: Microclean = a small cleaning task + that is easily done + right now

The gender divide aside, Microcleaning is important to Female People. Having accomplished the Microclean, the Female Person will be more relaxed, even slightly happier, feeling they have added some order to a chaotic world.