9 to 5 - Things I Didn't Say

Today was one of those work days where I could've cheerfully throttled somebody.

Things I stopped myself from saying out loud today:

1) We agreed that 5 months ago
2) There are two guide documents and one web page that are available to you to help your customers understand this
3) No, that wasn't a "training session." It was you justifying your existence
4) I'm sorry, I'm confused. Am I here as a meeting participant, or did you just gather us as an audience for your soliloquy?

Pic - Hope Springs Eternal

He Said She Said - Game on

"I'm home!" she said.

"Hi," he said.

"Oh, God.  Are you playing your Stupid Game again?"

"I tidied the kitchen, I put some laundry on, I get to play my game!"

"How can you sit there for hours and just clickety-click?"

"Go away."

"What are you doing?"

"I'm shooting a dragon."

"Why?"

"It's attacking me!"

"No, it's not.  I can see it.  It's just flying.  Look how pretty it is."

"It just frosted me!  Before you got home!  Luckily I'm immune to frost."

"Well of course you're immune to frost.  You're English!  Dragons don't frost.  That's stupid.  And you shouldn't be shooting at it."

"It's going to attack me again!"

"Leave it alone!  It's an endangered species!"

"Shut up.  Where's my horse?"

"You have a horse?"

"Yes.  Where did I leave it?  Oh, there it is!"

"You left it out in the snow, all alone?"

"It waits for me!"

"You didn't even tie it up!"

"I don't have to.  It waits for me."

"You can't even give it a measley carrot?"

"Shut up."

"Where are you going?"

"I'm trying to get down to that temple down there."

"Don't go that way!  You'll kill the hor--- AAAAAARGH!"

"STOP IT!"

"You killed the horse!"

"What about me?  I died too."

"I don't care about you!  You killed the horse!"

"Look.  I'm alive again.   And the horse is fine."

"Animal cruelty!"

"Shut up."

"Don't go that way!  It's too steep!"

"I'm trying to find a way to get to the temple!"

"Well why don't you bloody look where you're going?"

"I CAN'T!  It's a game!"

"The horse is slipping through the ice!  WATCH OUT!"

"Oh, shit."

"YOU KILLED IT AGAIN!"

"Honey, you're doing this on purpose."

"Doing what?"

"Do you want to watch something, Honey?"

"Actually, I do have an episode of Project Runway All Stars to watch..."

"I hate you."

"No, you don't.  But you clearly have it in for that poor horse.  What's his name, anyway?"

"HE DOESN'T HAVE A NAME!  IT'S.  A.  GAME!"

"How can you not name your horse?"

"That's it!  I'm turning off the Xbox!  Here!  Take the remote!  I'm going!"

"Honey?"

"WHAT?"

"Seeing as you're up, can I have a cup of tea?"

To read more in this series, click here.

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Hell is Other People - Bus Bitch

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's winter up here in the Northern hemisphere.  And winter here, unlike the idyllic home of my birth, means dark mornings and dark evenings.  This makes me crabby.  Very, very crabby.

 

Today was my first day back at work after a blissful week off where I rolled out of bed after 11am each day.  It was hard to go to work.  Puppy Girl kept pushing against my legs as I got dressed, jumping up to lick my face and making the very specific "Ngggarrrrr" noise that tells me she loves me.  It broke my heart to close the front door on her and Puppy Dog, looking up at me through the glass pane as I turned away.

 

And so, by 5:30, I was ready to go home.  More than ready.  Ever-bloody-ready.

 

The bus pulled up as I reached the bus stop - one of those gorgeous moments of serendipity.  I found a decent seat, and settled in to catch up on Facebook updates.

 

We were half way home when Bus Bitch joined us.  The bus was about to pull away from a stop when it jerked to a halt, throwing us all backwards in our seats.  

 

The driver opened the doors and, after the "Psssssht!" noise, I thought there must be something wrong with the door mechanism.  That is because all we could hear was "HUHNH! HUHNH! HUHNH! HUHNH!"

 

"Ma'am," yelled the bus driver, "you can't do that."

 

"HUHNH! HUHNH! HUHNH! HUHNH!"

 

"Ma'am, step back on the sidewalk."

 

"HUHNH! HUHNH! HUHNH! HUHNH!"

 

"Ma'am, you mustn't do that.  Stay on the sidewalk and wave at me.  I'll see you.  I'll wait for you.  Don't run into the street like that."

 

"HUHNH! HUHNH! I'm.  HUHNH! Sorry.  HUHNH!"

 

"Ma'am, it's very dangerous.  You gave me a start!"

 

"HUHNH! HUHNH! I'm sorry.  HUHNH! I was.  HUHNH!  Running so.  "HUHNH! HUHNH!  Hard for the. HUHNH! HUHNH!  No. 63 bus and.  "HUHNH! HUHNH! Just missed it.  HUHNH! HUHNH!"

 

"OK, Ma'am.  Get on."

 

"HUHNH! Thank.  HUHNH! HUHNH! You.  HUHNH!"

  

Now there's a part of me who sympathises with the bus driver and gets that public humiliation is one of the few weapons in his arsenal against a litigious public.   But, on the other hand, it's cold, it's dark, and I want to bloody well get home, thank you very much.  Move along, argue later.

 

Finally, the bus driver pulled away from the stop.  The wheezing continued, unabated.

 

I felt slightly better when someone behind me grumbled audibly about the delay caused by Bus Bitch.  I wasn't alone.

 

Now you might think, based on the exchange noted above, that I'm a bit mean to call her Bus Bitch.  

 

Wait.

 

It isn't over yet.

 

A few stops later, Bus Bitch got up to leave and, as she left, decided to take her revenge.  I don't particularly have an issue with someone who plays a bully bus driver at his own game, just do it while the bus is in motion, so you don't delay me.

 

But, no.

 

Bus Bitch stands half way down the steps of the bus exit.

 

"I'm really so sorry," she whined.  

 

"It's fine," the bus driver said.

 

"But I really want to thank you for educating me."

 

"Good night, Ma'am."

 

"No, really.  I appreciate it.  (Pause)  I do.  (Pause)  Thank.  You."

   

She paused again for effect, and then finally got off the bus.

 

I wish I could tell you that I am exaggerating that last bit.  But I'm not.  It really was that childish and Bus Bitch had now managed to delay us all, twice.  

 

Hell is other people.

For more in this series, click here.

 

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