9 to 5: Bossisms 4

It’s like we’ve got a bunch of people who took acid and got on a merry go round. They wouldn’t be able to get off even if they knew what Off was.

9 to 5 - Bossisms 3

 

My boss' boss is a character, and has a great way of observing and commenting on the ridiculous nature of the corporate workplace. We call his sayings "Bossisms."

On siloed teams not adhering to a new cross-functional process:

We're all in the same boat, but everyone is pulling on their oar at a different time.

On a team member being a key part of the team:

He's our tent pole.

On Agile being the new methodology du jour:

It's like a car full of cheerleaders.  Looks good, but how you gonna get from A to B?  
That 15 year old can't drive!

To see more in this series click the 9 to 5 tag, below.

9 to 5 - Bossisms 2

 

 My boss' boss is a character, and has a great way of observing and commenting on the ridiculous nature of the corporate workplace. We call his sayings "Bossisms."

I'm so sick of these half-baked requests without any information.

You know, you eat raw food, you get sick.

To read more in this series, click here.

You might like:

• Bossisms 1
• Corpspeak

9 to 5 - Blown away

   

We have a good time, our team. 

We joke, we laugh, we tease each other.  There are even in-jokes which are based on stories or traditions which go back way before  I joined the team, but which I have been included in through the telling and retelling, the referencing and rereferencing. 

Say the word "SURPRISE!" in a certain accent and we all collapse in stitches.

There are three of us that are the key culprits.  Let's call my dear partners in crime Sarge and Beetle Bailey. 

We go and buy coffee at the little counter in our building at least three times a day. 

So we're down getting our caffeine boosts the other day, and I was chatting to one of the baristos.  He was standing between me and the counter with the milk and sugar, so I was talking towards anyone sprinkling nutmeg on their latte. 

I was telling him about the conversation I had with Fluffy Bear about him continually killing his horse because he took the wrong route down a mountain while playing a video game.  I don't care if both he and the horse come back to life - it's just cruel, that's what it is.  The one time the horse even died because of a wolf attack, for fuck's sake!

Baristo laughed and told me we should get two TVs.  I rolled my eyes and he said that he plays video games on his TV, and his wife sits next to him on the couch, headphones on, watching trashy reality TV shows on her laptop.

"If she told me I was mean to kill my horse," he quipped, "I'd be like: 'What's up, Honey?  Did one of the people on your show break a nail?' "

Of course I burst out laughing, and I do not - to put it mildly - have a quiet laugh. 

On the other side of the counter, I saw my colleagues as I lowered my head from it being thrown back for the guffaw.  Sarge and Beetle Bailey were both going "Sh!"

"Shut up!" I snapped at them.  "We're not in the office!  I don't have to be quiet!"

It took a moment, but I realized that there was someone at the milk and sugar counter.  She was a small woman and - I swear to God - I had not noticed her at all up until this point.  And I had yelled at my colleagues directly over her head.  I felt bad.

"Excuse me.  I just realized that I yelled right across you," I said to her.  "I'm so sorry.  That was very rude of me."

She nodded, not turning towards me or making eye contact, and told me it was OK.  She then proceeded to detail her medical condition which caused her to react to sound especially unexpected sounds at higher than normal decibel volume in a way that made her lose her balance, and she didn't have her walking stick that day but she was able to grab onto the counter so it was allright and thank you and she had to go now.

And she hobbled away.

And I'm thinking... What.  The.  Fuck?

Sarge and Beetle Bailey then gleefully proceeded to both describe and - of course! - demonstrate to me the woman's reaction to my laugh, which had apparently been to be blown sideways like a poor innocent bystander when the Roadrunner screams by.

So now I'm known as ShesSoLoudSheBlowsYouAway.

Ha. Ha. Bloody. Ha.

To read more in this series, click here.

You might like:

• Bring back the humans
• Follow your yellow brick road

9 to 5 - Bossisms 1

  

 

My boss' boss is a character, and has a great way of observing and commenting on the ridiculous nature of the corporate workplace. We call his sayings "Bossisms."

 

On people in other teams who overcomplicate simple tasks:

 

"They're trying to pole vault a mouse turd here."

 

On a colleague who was trying valiantly to make the best of a bad thing:

 

"Now you're trying to put a marshmallow on a mouseturd and tell me it's rocky road."

 

Following an HR-violation comment which had conjured the idea of a somewhat rotund colleague in the nude:

 

 "Don't you wish your mind's eye had an eyelid?"

For more in this series, click here.

 

9 to 5 - CorpSpeak Construction analogies

"I’m thinking of how I can ensure I’m cementing my understanding here." 

 I am proud of myself that I didn't snort my derision into the phone. 

To see more in the 9 to 5 series, click here.

You might like:

• Three Letter Acronyms
• A job I could never apply for

9 to 5 - I fucking quit!

 

I guess we all fantasize about the grand speech we'd make on the day we throw our toys out of the cot and quit our jobs.  Except I've been fantasizing about that a little too much lately.

I dream about how I'd announce that I'm leaving to my team in one of our regular Wednesday meetings.  My boss would already know, of course, but this would be the big announcement to my colleagues:

"I have found a different role so I'll be moving on," I'd say.  "My last day here is Friday."

"We're sorry to see you leave," one of them would say.

And I wouldn't be able to help myself.  Before I can even think about it, before I can stop it, I'd hear myself laugh sarcastically and say:

"Well I very much doubt that!"

And there'd be little confused looks around the table, and then I'd just fucking lose it.

"Are you KIDDING ME?" I'd yell.

"Isn't this same group that shits on me every time I have a networking meeting because one of you believes that you own the relationship with whoever I'm talking to?

Is this the same team that, in my interview, promised to groom me for a role equivalent to yours, promised I'd learn but then steadfastly refused to teach?

Are you the people who, whenever I offer, or our boss suggests, that I help any one of you with what you're doing, even just by taking a small part of those massive workloads that you keep complaining about, make excuses about how what you're doing really takes more knowledge of the company than I have, or that you really need to run this particular initiative?

Isn't every team meeting we have at least 70% of you being negative and complaining about your workloads, your annoying stakeholders and the fact that things aren't the way they used to be, even if you are directly asked what a solutions we could try?

I mean, SERIOUSLY, the last person in my job lasted TWO MONTHS.

And the person who joined the team before me - do you EVER see him at his desk.  No, and that's because he's made sure that he's been loaned out to other teams as much as possible.  

The guy who joined before that has had to suffer voices being raised at him in the open cube farm (to his credit, he doesn't yell back) and he's had to ask at least two of you, face to face, to stop condescending to him.  

And, by the way, you don't reserve condescension just for him.  All of us newbies get to be constantly interrupted, excluded from meetings and told that "things don't work that way here" without any explanation of why, let alone consideration of how we could enable change.

So do you REALLY think that there isn't a problem here?

I joined this team to be among vastly intelligent people, whose work enables the organization to move forward and achieve strategic goals.  Because, of all the teams in our department, THIS is the one that actually gets to do that.

But I'm starting to see why people call this team "The Ivory Tower."  I'm starting to see why each and every person who congratulated me on my new role, or asked me how I was doing, had a strange sympathetic expression on their faces.

If I had a dollar for every number of times I've been told that I should hang in there because this is a difficult team, I wouldn't HAVE TO WORK!

I have tried.  I have fucking tried with you people.  I have asked for mentoring.  I have taken each of you to lunch multiple times to [airquotes] bond.  I sucked it up when I was told to shut the hell up and just listen and learn, but the only thing I hear is who owns what, how things used to be and why they can't change.

This team is like a bad tempered old man who won't give you your ball back when you make the mistake of kicking it into his massive yard.  A yard he doesn't even use.  The old man just doesn't get that, if he let the neighborhood kids use his yard, he'd be able to sit out on his porch and have some company, rather than living his grumpy little life all alone.

Your attitude is not only destructive to other members of the team, but it's going to bring you down too.  This organization is changing, and you're not morphing with it.  Nobody wants you to be the police anymore.  People don't want you to keep saying no, they want you to say 'Yes, and this is how.'

This ship is sinking.

And I'll be fucked if I'll go down with it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and clean out my desk."

For more in the 9 to 5 series, click the Tag below or the Category link on the left.

You might enjoy:

• Bring back the humans - don't you just hate those automated switchboards?
• Follow your yellow brick road - a story of how fate gets us in the end

9 to 5 - Joan Knows Best

 

I was thinking in the shower this morning... who could I talk to who would make my work predicament funny?

The answer, of course, is the one and only Joan Rivers

So in my fantasy world, I am at a Joan Rivers standup show, in one of those more intimate settings where you get to sit at little round tables with tiny lamps on them and order cocktails.

Joan is talking about The Change, with her wonderful saggy titties joke like: "I can breastfeed China from my bedroom!"

Then she turns to the audience and says: "Who are the other women here who are going through menopausal stuff?"

I immediately stand up. She turns to me. Someone gives me a mike.

"You look far too young, Darling," she says, "to be going through menopause right now."

"I get to have all the fun earlier than most," I answer, "because I grew a grapefruit."

"Oy," she says. "Was it cancerous?"

"Nope," I say, "just a grapefruit of flesh." Some people in the audience groan in disgust.

"Was it one of those ones that have hair and teeth?" Joan asks.

"No," I reply, "we don't want children."

"I hear ya," she laughs. "But it's not like it would've cried or needed nappies, right?"

"I don't know about that. Even with just hair and teeth it would've probably demanded a college fund."

"Get up here!" she says, pointing to the stage. "I like you!"

"Um..."I hesitate.

"Aw, come on! I don't bite!" she says, as someone brings two chairs, setting them up to face each other. The audience starts to applaud, egging me on. I shrug, and get on up there.

"So are you a wannabe comedienne?" asks Joan.

"No. Like most people, I have a 9 to 5 job that I hate." Some people in the audience laugh and one person yells "WOO!"

"What's so bad about it?" she asks.

"Well, I always say - Hell is other people."

"Aw come on! Do you just hate working 9 to 5."

"No, no, not at all," I protest. "My last team was great. We had fun together, we collaborated... it was fun to go to work every morning."

"Then why'd you switch?"

"Well, imagine you're starting to climb on the comedy circuit. You're regularly working a small comedy club. You know everyone there, and the whole crew gets on well - lighting people, management, the whole shebang. But then you get the chance to go to a bigger theater. You head over there, and everyone's a bit of an asshole. People condescend to you, you get the worst comedy slots, like 12am, and you never have any fun. But, here's the thing... it's a bigger comedy club, bigger audiences, better opportunities. See what I mean?"

"I'm so with you," she says, reaching out to pat my arm. "There's only one solution."

"What?"

"Every day, just think to yourself Fuck 'em! Fuck 'em! Fuck 'em! Fuck 'em! That's what I did."

"That," I say, "is excellent advice. I might even turn it into a little song in my head."

"There you go!" she exclaims, standing up, indicating that our time together is over. "Thank you, Honey," she says, hugging me. "You head back to your table and I'm buying you a cocktail, OK?"

"That," I say, stepping back and smiling, "is exactly what I need."

To read more in the 9 to 5 series, click the Tag below or the Category link on the left

9 to 5 - Weather

 

Baristo: "Your usual?"

Me:  "Yep."

Baristo:  "So how are you today?"  

Me:  "Oh... OK, I guess.  So sick of this gray, gray, gray weather though."

Baristo:  "I know, right?"

Me:  "And the rain isn't even real rain.  I wish it would just pour down and then stop.  But instead this drip, drip, drizzle, drizzle... Urgh!  It's the same every day!"

Baristo:  "I don't mind it that much.  I just put on a hat to walk to work."

Me:  "Me too, but you don't wear glasses.  I end up seeing the whole world in soft focus, as if I'm watching a Doris Day movie!"

Baristo:  "[Laughing]  Well, you know that they say about our weather.  If you don't like it, wait fifteen minutes...[He paused] Then kill yourself."

Me:  [Laughing] "Awesome!  Although I heard something a bit different."

Baristo:  "What's that?"

Me:  "Living here is like being married to a beautiful woman.  Except she's sick for half the year."

Baristo:  "Good one!  Here we go.  Tall, skinny cap.  Enjoy!"

Me:  "Thanks!  Have a great day!  See you tomorrow!"

To see more in the 9 to 5 series, click the Tag below or the category link on the left.

9 to 5 - HR violation

 

There is a coffee bar in our cafeteria.  I go there every morning - and again in the afternoons if I am having a bad day - and I always chat with the baristas.  We get on well.

They have a punch card system where you get your 11th drink free.  Sometimes, there is a line and the two baristas are really busy, so I punch my own card.

Yesterday, I went for an afternoon coffee.  There was no one else there, so Will and I chatted as he heated the milk.  Just because I had nothing to do, I punched my card.

He gave me my latte, and moved to the cash register to ring it up.

As he pressed the buttons, he said:

"Do you need your card punched?"

"Oh no, it's OK," I said.  "I already self served my hole."

As my tongue reached the "h" of "hole", my brain screamed "STOP!", but my mouth kept going.

To Will's credit, he said nothing, but he pursed his lips.

"I think I could've said that in a better way," I said, blushing.

And that's when he lost his composure.

We both giggled as he gave me my change, as I put some change in the tip jar and put my wallet back in my bag.

As I walked away, I wished him a good weekend.

"No problem!" he said.  "Happy Self Serving!"

To see more in the 9 to 5 series, click here.

9 to 5 - You gotta read this

 

I read a post today by my friend Debineezer.

She has been using some kinda voodoo to go into my mind and suck out the kinda things I would say.

I'll let you have the first paragraph here, but you gotta go see the rest yourself.  Just click the post title.

Never pass up an opportunity to ride a good greased goat

"There's a term in the project world called "Goat Rodeo". It speaks to, well, the majority of corporate life in a lot of places. Everyone's running around wanting things yesterday, and they can't have them because they didn't do what they needed to do to make it happen."

To read more of my 9 to 5 posts, click here.

9 to 5 - Training lessons

 

Some nice tips from my training session today:

Feedback - I need it in such a way that: 

• I can see my options
• I can understand the cause and effect
• My dignity stays intact.

9 to 5 - South African humor

 

I was sitting in my cube today when I heard one of my team members wish the other a happy birthday.  

My team-mate is a bit of a ham, so he sang one or two lines of the song.

So I waited a few minutes and went over to the birthday boy's cube.

"So... it's your big day today?" I asked.

"Yeah," he said, a little embarrassed.

"Did Joe just sing you a song?" 

"Yeah, he did," he replied, getting even more embarrassed.

"OK, so that means I can too, right?"

"Uh.. yeah... I guess."

"OK," I said, turning my English accent up to full volume to remind him I'm a ferner, "here's the thing.   I have this song I like to sing people on their birthdays.  It's my own little tradition."

"Uh..." he said, his eyes widening.

"You have to bear with me," I went on, talking louder, making the most of the open-plan cube farm.  "The song is pretty long.  You up for it?"

"Uh... sure..."  He had involuntarily backed up into the corner of his workspace, his back against his desk.

"JUST KIDDING!" I yelled.

 All things considered, he took the joke pretty well.

9 to 5 - Week 1

 

Well, I survived week 1 at my new job!

It's weird to be working again, to be getting up early in the morning, to be blow-drying my hair rather than scraping it into a ratty ponytail or hiding it under a baseball cap.

It's weird to be sorting through my work clothes, my stockings, shoes with heels.

It's weird to go out in the morning with other commuters, cups of coffee in hand, waiting for the bus.  

It's also fucking cold, so I made Fluffy Bear drive me to work more than once!

I have a cube, of course, that's pretty standard - boring.  Not sure how to decorate yet.  I suppose a pic of me and FBear is expected.  I wonder how many pics of the dogs would be cute vs. making me look like a crazy old bat...

Everyone on my team seems really nice - and that's what makes the difference in whether or not you enjoy your job on a day to day basis, right?  I've had time to talk to everyone about what they do, and the pieces are slowly coming together in my haven't-worked-for-6-months, working-in-slow-motion brain to form a clear picture.

I've had headaches towards the end of every day, and I've figured out why.  No, it's not that my brain is too full - although I did think that at first!  I get very dehydrated.  I need to take the time to drink a LOT more water.  

It's the canned air.  Or maybe it's just being over 40, drying out, getting wrinkled and crusty, like an autumn leaf.

On second thought... No - fuck that - it's the canned air.

I was taken on a tour of our buildings, and it was fascinating to see all the different departments.  Marketing have a fun space, of course, with collateral from past years all over the walls.  They even get patterns of color in their carpet! 

Other buildings have much better cafeterias than ours but, seeing as my life is currently ruled by the iPhone calorie counter, maybe taking my own leftovers into the office in a tupperware is for the best.

People in general are very warm and welcoming.  They smile and say hello in the corridors, people stop by when they see my cube is now occupied to introduce themselves, the women chat with you in the restroom.  People seem to be happy.

Freaky.

9 to 5 - Day 1 - The Prequel

 

6:00am - Wake up, decide I hate my alarm with a passion

6:02am - Take dogs out to pee

6:03am - Try to get Puppy Girl to poop

6:04am - Get barked at by an annoyed Puppy Girl

6:09am - Scoop poop, hit head on branch as I stand up

6:10am - Get Puppy Dog's food, herd Puppy Girl away with my right foot, let Puppy Dog eat

6:12am - Get Puppy Girl's food, try to keep her from scratching holes in my PJs as she repeatedly jumps up at me

6:13am - Get Puppy Girl to sit, after 4 attempts, for 0.5 seconds before I let her have her food

6:14am - Stand guard, making sure that the dogs don't eat each others' food

6:15am - Grab bowls off the floor before each dog runs to lick and sniff to see if the other one has left a nanocrumb of food behind

6:16am - Let Puppy Dog back through to the bedroom to go back to sleep

6:17am - Have breakfast and vitamins

6:20am - Spend some time playing with Puppy Girl.  Wake Fluffy Bear up twice when I scream when she bites my hand too hard

6:35am - Put Puppy Girl on the bed with Fluffy Bear, shower

6:50am - Do hair and makeup

7:10am - Have crisis, deciding that the outfit I spent an hour choosing last night is all wrong

7:11am - Panic

7:12am - Panic

7:13am - Panic

7:14am - Panic

7:15am - Go through clothes, again and again, swearing, while trying to stop Puppy Girl from stealing the clean socks

7:30am - Decide on pants and a shirt, and get dressed

7:35am - Pick Puppy Girl up and throw her on Fluffy Bear's head, so that he has to get the hell up

7:40am - Make sure I have everything, try to stop Puppy Girl jumping up on my clothes with muddy paws.  Fail

7:50am - Try to catch Puppy Girl to put her in her crate

7:55am - Finally tempt Puppy Girl close enough with a squeaky toy to catch her

8:00am - Hug Puppy Dog goodbye and leave the house

8:05am - Driven to work by a wonderful Fluffy Bear.  Look worryingly at hill I have to climb to the bus stop tomorrow

8:07am - Try to convince Fluffy Bear to take me home so I can hide under the duvet.  Fail

8:12am - Try to convince Fluffy Bear to drive to the Mexico border.  Fail

8:15am - Arrive at office, decide I need coffee

8:16am - Walk round building, trying to find coffee shop.  Fail

8:20am - Ask some guys smoking outside where a coffee shop is.  They point me to a building which has a Starbucks  

8:21am - Sigh, because I hate Starbucks soy lattes - why the hell do they use Vanilla Soy?  

8:22am - Realize I have no time to get coffee anyway

8:23am - Stomp into my building

8:24am - Stand in elevator, not understanding why it isn't moving

8:25am - Realize that all floors except Reception require pass to be swiped in front of reader before you can push button, and I have been pushing floor 10 instead of Floor 15

8:26am - Realize that I have forgotten my watch and am wearing Fluffy Bear's wedding ring

8:27am - Check in at Reception, get pass, go to my floor

8:30am - Find that there is an espresso bar in the cafeteria.  Ask new boss if I can get coffee

8:35am - First sip of coffee

8:36am - Sigh, for all is well

9 to 5 - Dry run

 

6:00 am - Wake up, reluctantly.  

6:01 am - Reassure Fluffy Bear, who woke up with a yell because we haven't had any alarms on for the last 6 months

6:05 am - Let dogs out to pee

6:10 am - Feed dogs, trying to teach crazy puppy not to eat her brother's food

6:20 am - Let dogs out to pee, stand in the cold begging Puppy Girl to poop

6:28 am - Gratefully scoop poop

6:30am - Let Puppy Dog back through to the bedroom to sleep some more.  Try to get Puppy Girl to lie quietly on our bed.  Fail.

6:35am - Let Puppy Girl into the living room to play, whispering Choopelah as I kick a ball across the floor.  Close puppy gate.  Head for the shower

6:40am - Shower while Puppy Girl stands at the puppy gate barking and crying and a grumpy Fluffy Bear yells at her to shut up from the bed... there is a flaw in this process

7:00am - Let Puppy Girl through puppy gate and put her on our bed.  Blowdry hair while she looks at me, confused, tilting her head

7:10am - Pretend to do makeup 

7:15am - Make smoothie for breakfast with Puppy Girl watching my every move, hoping for some food

7:25 am - Give Puppy Girl and Puppy Dog the almost empty yogurt container

7:30am - Pretend to get dressed but, in reality, get right hand chewed off by puppy while I try to wipe yogurt off her face

7:40 am - Stop pretending it's a working day, and hit the couch.

Conclusion: I can make it out of the house by 7:45ish to get to the bus to get to work on time, but we have to do something about the Puppy Girl factor.  

Tomorrow will try putting her back on the bed with her dad straight after her breakfast.

Wish us luck.

9 to 5: T - 1 week

 

Now that the Thanksgiving holiday is over, the reality of my having a new job is sinking in.

And I'm nervous.

1. I haven't been living on an employee schedule.  Will I be able to get up in the morning and go to bed early enough at night?
2. My butt has been imprinted on the couch for 6 months.  Will I have the energy to get through an 8 hour day?
3. Am I completely out of practice talking that PC, polite way you have to in the corporate world?
4. Have I forgotten how to actually do what I do? 
5. This is a completely different industry for me.  Am I going to sound like an ignorant moron?
6. New team-mates, new customers, new stakeholders... how do I make them all like me?
7. Yes, I have new wellies (rain boots), but am I ready to actually walk to work in the rain?

And yes, I am also excited.  So I'm hanging onto that...

9 to 5 - CorpSpeak

This series is a continuation of my TLA post.

 

You know it, you love it, it's CorpSpeak.

"You have been given the gift of feedback"

 

9 to 5 - CorpSpeak again

This series is a continuation of my TLA post.

You know it, you love it, it's CorpSpeak.

"We have to warm the sea on the beach where we're playing before we can boil the ocean"

9 to 5 - CorpSpeak again

This series is a continuation of my TLA post.

You know it, you love it, it's CorpSpeak.

This series records CorpSpeak I have overheard or, worse still, actually had someone say to me.

"We decided to hold a bakesale between the vendors."