I was thinking in the shower this morning... who could I talk to who would make my work predicament funny?
The answer, of course, is the one and only Joan Rivers
So in my fantasy world, I am at a Joan Rivers standup show, in one of those more intimate settings where you get to sit at little round tables with tiny lamps on them and order cocktails.
Joan is talking about The Change, with her wonderful saggy titties joke like: "I can breastfeed China from my bedroom!"
Then she turns to the audience and says: "Who are the other women here who are going through menopausal stuff?"
I immediately stand up. She turns to me. Someone gives me a mike.
"You look far too young, Darling," she says, "to be going through menopause right now."
"I get to have all the fun earlier than most," I answer, "because I grew a grapefruit."
"Oy," she says. "Was it cancerous?"
"Nope," I say, "just a grapefruit of flesh." Some people in the audience groan in disgust.
"Was it one of those ones that have hair and teeth?" Joan asks.
"No," I reply, "we don't want children."
"I hear ya," she laughs. "But it's not like it would've cried or needed nappies, right?"
"I don't know about that. Even with just hair and teeth it would've probably demanded a college fund."
"Get up here!" she says, pointing to the stage. "I like you!"
"Um..."I hesitate.
"Aw, come on! I don't bite!" she says, as someone brings two chairs, setting them up to face each other. The audience starts to applaud, egging me on. I shrug, and get on up there.
"So are you a wannabe comedienne?" asks Joan.
"No. Like most people, I have a 9 to 5 job that I hate." Some people in the audience laugh and one person yells "WOO!"
"What's so bad about it?" she asks.
"Well, I always say - Hell is other people."
"Aw come on! Do you just hate working 9 to 5."
"No, no, not at all," I protest. "My last team was great. We had fun together, we collaborated... it was fun to go to work every morning."
"Then why'd you switch?"
"Well, imagine you're starting to climb on the comedy circuit. You're regularly working a small comedy club. You know everyone there, and the whole crew gets on well - lighting people, management, the whole shebang. But then you get the chance to go to a bigger theater. You head over there, and everyone's a bit of an asshole. People condescend to you, you get the worst comedy slots, like 12am, and you never have any fun. But, here's the thing... it's a bigger comedy club, bigger audiences, better opportunities. See what I mean?"
"I'm so with you," she says, reaching out to pat my arm. "There's only one solution."
"What?"
"Every day, just think to yourself Fuck 'em! Fuck 'em! Fuck 'em! Fuck 'em! That's what I did."
"That," I say, "is excellent advice. I might even turn it into a little song in my head."
"There you go!" she exclaims, standing up, indicating that our time together is over. "Thank you, Honey," she says, hugging me. "You head back to your table and I'm buying you a cocktail, OK?"
"That," I say, stepping back and smiling, "is exactly what I need."
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