Hello from Puppy Dog - I did a very silly thing

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

Hello friends!

 

I'm not having a very good time right now.  It's all very confusing.

 

I was running in the yard with my sister the other day and then suddenly my leg went funny.  I hobbled into the house to tell Dada that something wasn't right, and he put me into the moving den and took me to see the Jab Man.  You know the one.  The one that you go and see and then he jabs you with something and it hurts.

 

The Jab Man moved my leg around and talked to Mama and Dada and then they put me back in the moving den and we went to this strange place.  When we got there they put me on a strange log and put leashes around my body!  I didn't like it.

 

Then some other lady moved my leg around and my neck from side to side and she put some weird cold silver thing on my chest and there was a very bright fake sun and lots of hairless apes all around me and I really, really didn't like it.

 

Then they took me to see Mama and Dada who looked very scared.  That's when I got really scared.

 

The lady told my Mama and Dada that I have Eff See Eeeee.  She said that I was running or jumping and a small piece of cart eel itch broke off and went into my blood and then it blocked something and then blood didn't go to my spine and then my legs went funny.  I don't really understand all that.  All I can tell you is that my right front leg won't work and my right back leg feels very weird too.

 

So then I thought it was all over and time to go home.  When I go to the Jab Man and he moves me around or jabs me, we always go home afterwards.  But, no!  Mama and Dada said goodbye and they were crying and the hairless apes took me away!  It was horrible!  I was soooo scared!

 

They took me to a big room with other dogs and I had my own cushion and pen and water and I stayed there for aaaaaaaages!  There was so much fake sun in the room and so many dogs and the hairless apes kept coming inside and taking me for potty and talking to the other dogs and taking them away somewhere.  I got no sleep at all, and I was reeeeeally tired!

 

I was freaking out.  Where were Mama and Dada?  Why was I in this horrible place?  Why were other dogs crying all the time?  I wanted to GO HOME!

 

I don't like pottying in strange places so then I had an accident which was so awful I don't even want to talk about it.  I just tried to think of nice things like swimming and big bones and my lil sis, who suddenly didn't seem so annoying anymore.

 

It felt like I was in that place for a very long time.  But then a hairless ape took me to a new place and Mama and Dada were there!  I was so happy!  YAY!

 

I couldn't walk properly and the lady was holding me with some strange thing under my tummy to help me but I tried to run to Mama and Dada anyway.

 

Then the lady hairless ape made me lie down and she talked to Mama and Dada and she moved my right front and right back legs around, which was annoying.  Then Dada did the same thing to my legs and they talked and talked and talked.  All I wanted was to go home.

 

Then Dada put some weird thing on me that goes around my middle and he stood up and somehow it helped me get up and walk.  Then Mama and Dada took me to our moving den.  I was even more happy!

 

I was so tired when I got home.  Mama and Dada moved all the stuff around in the house and put two beds right next to the soft logs where they sit and watch the bright box.  I just collapsed and slept.  

 

So now it's the next day and I don't feel right at all.  Walking is very hard and Mama and Dada walk next to me all the time and hold the thing around my middle and I don't want to go potty with one of them standing right next to me.  I waited till I reeeeeally couldn't hold it anymore.  

 

I really don't know what's going on.  My legs are there, but they don't do what I want them to.  Actually my leg is listening to me a little bit more today, but not much.  Mama and Dada keep moving my legs around - which is annoying - but they also massage me, which is nice.

 

Sometimes Mama cries.  I don't know why.  They both seem very upset.  

 

My lil sis just comes over and sniffs me and keeps asking me where I went and if it was for a long walkies and what did I see and sniff?  She's very annoying.

 

I'm very tired all the time.  So I'm going to go now.  

 

Life is weird.

 

Lots of licks and woofs, 

 

 

Puppy Dog

 

 

 

To read more in this series, click here.

 

You might like:

• The nice lady
• Big ball lady

 

Hello from Puppy Dog - Domestic violence

 

Hello friends

Today Mama said domestic violence is wrong.

Then Dada asked her why she keeps hitting him.

Then Mama smacked him on the arm.

I don't understand...

Hairless apes are so weird.

Lots of licks and woofs,

Puppy Dog

Hello from Puppy Dog - Big Boy

 

Hello Friends!

I had to be a big boy today.

I could tell that Mama was in a bad mood, because she was cleaning.  

Whenever Mama de-scents our den, she stomps around and mutters to herself.  I don't always hear what she says, but the bits I have heard seem to be about someone called "Lazy Bastard."  

Whenever Mama gets like this I go and sit on the mat at the front door.  It's my Safe Zone. 

But Puppy Girl just doesn't get it.  I told her to play nicely with some of the toys lying around, or go into her crate, but she ignored me.

So Mama is stomping and wiping and spraying and Puppy Girl starts barking and whining at that new gate thingy we have at the dining room door.  So Mama lets her through to hang out while she cleans, and Puppy Girl goes into the room where Mama and Dada keep their furs, and steals some of Dada's socks!

Mama was not happy.  She yelled at Puppy Girl and I know that she felt bad afterwards because she sighed, told Puppy Girl to sit and gave her a reassuring scratch behind the ears.

Then Mama came to see me - because we hadn't even had a chance to say good morning to each other.  But when she tried to pet me, Puppy Girl kept biting my tail or my back leg.

When Mama told her not to, she barked defiantly!

Uh-oh...

I could feel Mama getting mad again so I decided to be a big boy and step in.

I went and got a toy and asked Puppy Girl to come and play with me.

Mama said I was a very good boy and scratched my back while I played tug with the baby.

I ROCK!

You know, now that we have a baby in the house, I have to be a big boy all the time.  I have to show her she's bottom of the pack (actually, pinning her is quite fun), I have to teach her about where to potty, and which things she can chew and she can't.

I think I'm doing a pretty good job, actually.

Lots of licks and woofs, 

Big Boy Puppy Dog.

Hello from Puppy Dog - Stupid baby

 

Hello friends

I am so mad at the new puppy!

Oh sure, she's kinda cute and she's fun to hang out with and I've been teaching her how to play Growly Tug and Chase and Wrestlemania.  And I was thinking that this whole big brother thing isn't so bad and then...

She bit my penis!

I'm not kidding!

SHE.

BIT.

MY. 

PENIS!!!

I told her!  I said that I don't have nipples, and I don't have any milk, but she doesn't listen.

And so she walks under me and pokes around and licks and, next thing I know, PIRAHNA TEETH ON MY JUNK!

I growled at her so loud she whimpered and ran away.

Well, too bad.  She needs to listen to me.  I'm the big brother.

Stupid baby.

Lots of licks and woofs,

Puppy Dog

Hello from Puppy Dog - Whiny baby

 

Hello Friends

Oh my God I am so sick of the new baby!

Why is she here?

Why are there gates and crates and rules ever since she arrived?

And why does she make so much noise?!

I ask her:

"Puppy Girl, why are you crying?"

And she always has something to complain about!

Boo hoo hoo, she's tired.

Boo hoo hoo, she's bored.

Boo hoo hoo, she's hungry.

Boo hoo hoo, she needs to pee.

Boo hoo hoo, she wants to play.

Boo hoo hoo, she needs to poop.

Boo hoo hoo, she doesn't want to be in her crate.

Boo hoo hoo, she wants to chew something she shouldn't.

I said to her, I said:

"Puppy Girl!  Shush!  

"You, with your puppy gates and your special crate and your bio-something food bowl!  You think your life is hard?

"Trying being a teenager with no testicles!  THAT'S hard!"

Stupid baby. 

Lots of irritation and annoyance, 

Puppy Dog

Hello from Puppy Dog - What the---?

 

Hello friends,

Maybe you can help me and explain what the hell is going on.

Yesterday Mama and Dada took me for a long drive - which was a lot of fun.  We stopped at a place with a lot of grass and I got to run around - which was even more fun.

Then Mama and Dada put me back in the car and disappeared for a while and then Dada got back in the car with a baby!

Then we went to see Theo and his Mama and Dada and his sister Tara and their baby, Tasha.  So I figured we were just bringing them another baby.  So Theo and I played - which was a lot of fun.

But then we get in the moving den to go home and the baby comes with us!

And now she's in my house!

And she woke me up five times last night!

And she peed on two - count them, TWO - of my cushions!

And she pooped on the floor!  Disgusting!

AND when she pooped outside, she got a treat!

What the HELL?  What is the big deal?

I poop outside all the time and nobody gives me a treat!

I don't think I like this.

Lots of licks and woofs,

Puppy Dog.

Hello from Puppy Dog - Arby Tum

 

Hello Friends!

Today Mama took me to a place she calls Arby Tum.  I don't know why it has such a silly name, but there are lots and lots and lots of trees.  And you know what that means, right?

Lots and lots and lots of EVIL SQUIRRELS!

I could smell them everywhere.

I could smell the tracks of their evil clawed little feet.

I could smell the shed hair of their evil fluffy tails.

I could smell them in the trees, their evil, beady little eyes looking down on me from a height just beyond what I can climb.

I need you to understand me.  They are EVIL.

THEY HAVE TO DIE!

They are also very clever.  I sniffed and sniffed and tracked and tracked and I didn't see one of them!

EVIL GENIUSISSES!

Lots of licks and woofs,

Puppy Dog

Hello from Puppy Dog - New Tricks

  

They say an old Hairless Ape can't learn new tricks.  Well, Mama seems to be an annoying exception.

Every time she goes over to see Theo's mama, she comes back with some new-fangled idea.  Theo has two sisters - Tara and Tasha - all chocolate labs, like me.  Theo's mama knows a lot about how to look after dogs properly.  I just wish she'd keep it to herself!

So the latest thing is this.  

First Mama goes into the water room and does that buzzing thing that makes it look like she has rabies (freaked me out the first time she did that, but then she bent down and the foam was all gone).

Then she comes into the kitchen and makes me sit.

I know what's coming - I'm not stupid - and I show her that I don't like it, but she does it anyway - that's how mean she is.

She puts a little red thing on her finger and puts some chickeny paste on it.  It smells like chicken but it isn't chicken.  I know - I'm not stupid.

Then she moves my lips and starts rubbing this stuff on my teeth and she goes into my cheeks and behind my big defense-weapon-biting-tooth and she makes me open my jaws so she can reach the teeth in the back and I try to lick the stuff away but she just keeps going and sometimes she even puts more paste on the red thing and she rubs and rubs and I hate it and it just goes on and on and on...

I know I could bite her hand, but I don't - I'm not stupid.

Lots of licks and woofs,

Puppy Dog

Hello from Puppy Dog - Jumping out of cars

 

Hello Friends!

Today Mama took me for a walk in that place where she goes to talk to a nice lady for an hour.  Sometimes I go with Mama when she goes to talk to the nice lady.  I don't know what they talk about but sometimes Mama cries and sometimes she laughs but mostly they just talk a lot.  It all seems very intense.  I just sniff the room to see where the nice lady's Golden Retriever has been and then I lie down and sleep.  OK, OK, sometimes I get bored and I sit in front of the door and make little noises, or I go up to Mama or the nice lady to be petted, but mostly I let them get on with it.

Anyway...

Mama took me for a walk before we went to the nice lady.  We were walking between very big, very naughty houses.  They must have been naughty because Mama kept sighing and saying "Fuuuuuuuuck."

Then we found a place where I could jump into the water!  It was fun!  There were rocks to sniff under and everything!

Anyway...

I keep losing track of the point of this story.  Sorry.

So we are walking along and we pass a really cute, fluffy, white dog sitting in her dada's truck. I said hello to her and she said hello to me and I said do you want to play and she said yes and I said but you are up there with your dada and she said well screw him I don't have my leash on and she jumped out the truck window! 

Mama let me sniff her and circle her and kept calling us to play next to the truck.  We never got to actually play because her dada ran round to where we were.  Then I realized Mama had been calling us over to the truck to help Cute Dog's dada grab her!  Mama even opened the truck door so Cute Dog's dada could make her go back inside!

Mama is a traitor!

She just wants to stop me from having fun with cute girl dogs!  It's SO unfair!

So we carried on walking and I was pissed off.  

I was thinking about how to get Mama back, but then I got distracted by some smells coming from a coffee shop and I forgot what I---

Is that beef?  Mmmmmm....

What was I saying?

Oh, yes.

Anyway...

Then we stopped at a coffee shop and then Mama gave me a teeny tiny piece (she's so selfish) of her banana bread and then we went to see the nice lady and Mama talked a lot and then we went back to the moving den.

And that's when I got my chance for revenge.

Mama put me in the back part of the moving den, my special part.  But she had the door still open and she was arranging things around me when a little dog walked past with a small hairless ape holding its leash.  I decided I wanted to say hello and Mama was not going to keep me from playing this time so I jumped out of the back of the moving den to go see the little dog.

Mama must have tried to grab the extendable leash with her hand but I kept going and so the leash must have burnt her finger because she yelled "OW!" very loudly and the little hairless ape turned his head when she yelled and saw me running towards him and he must've got scared 'cos he looked pale but all I was going to do was say hello to his little dog.  And then Mama was saying sorry to the little hairless ape's mama and sucking her finger and shooing me back to the moving den.

Mama needs to learn that dogs sometimes just need to play and say hello to each other.

HAH!

I think I taught her a lesson today.

Lots of licks and woofs,

Puppy Dog

Hello from Puppy Dog - I am very special

 

Hello Friends!

You know I told you a few days ago about how I am very precious?  Well, Mama just proved that today.

She basically told me that I am a one and only.

Which makes sense.

Because I am the only me that is me, the only one who barks like me, eats like me, drinks like me, jumps like me, catches a ball like me and chases evil squirrels like me.

It feels great to be reminded of these things... complimenting people is a nice thing to do, remember that.

Well, it felt great, till Dogette stuck her wet nose into my business.

She said that Mama was being mean, and something about sour and a chasm.  I said my kibble isn't sour and we don't live anywhere near the Grand Canyon so she should just shut up.  Dogette said that I am dumb and that she is ignoring me.

But I know that Mama loves me and I heard what Mama said, loud and clear.

Dogette and I had just run to the front door and barked at the man in brown, and Mama said:

 "That's right, Puppy Dog, bark at the UPS man.  You're so original!"

See?  See?

Dogette is full of crap.

Lots of licks and woofs,

Puppy Dog.

Hello from Puppy Dog - Why do the rules keep changing?

Yesterday Aunty Kathy came to visit.  I've never met her before and she was very nice.  She scratched my head and behind my ears and it felt gooooood.

She was sitting on Mama's couch watching the flicker screen, so I jumped up to sit with her.

And I got yelled at!

What is going on?  I always sit up there with Mama.  What's wrong with it all of a sudden?

And what is "Brittle Bone Syndrome" anyway?

Hairless Apes are so weird.

Lots of licks and woofs,

Puppy Dog 

Hello from Puppy Dog - Now MAMA is sick

 

I don't know how, but now Mama is sick.  And she seems a bit cross.

She keeps saying Dada "infected" her.  I don't really know what that means.

Maybe he put it in her food.  Maybe Mama lay on it when she rolled onto Dada's side of the bed.  Maybe he made it look like a tennis ball and threw it for her and she picked it up. 

Oh no, wait, Mama doesn't chase tennis balls... I do.

Dada told Mama that she should remember their wedding vows and that they shared everything... "in sickness and in health."

Mama hit him.

Very strange.  I thought Dada was being quite romantic.

Anyway, nobody has walked me today and Mama has only thrown the ball once for me and it sucks.

This is sooooooo booooring.

...

AAAAAARGH!

What was that?

Oh, it was just Mama.

She made a very loud, strange "CHOO!" noise.

Sigh.

I wish I was at doggie day care...

Lots of licks and woofs,

Puppy Dog

Hello from Puppy Dog - Dada is sick

 

Hello Friends!

My pack leader is sick.

Mama says it's "Man flu."  

She said that when Female Hairless Apes get a runny nose it's just a cold but when Male Hairless Apes get the same thing, they are "on death's door."

She didn't sound very serious when she said all this and Dada told her to stop being mean.  

I don't understand why Mama would be mean to Dada - this is serious!

I want Dada to get better!

If he isn't there to be the pack leader, then it's all up to me!

I don't want to be pack leader!

You have to hunt and provide and take care of security and be work out all the time so to stay super-healthy and look after the whole pack! 

It's a very demanding job.  No more chasing balls and playing with squeaky toys.  

I'd have to be working all the time!

Please get better, Dada!

Do you think he'll get better if I lick his ears?  I'm going to give it a try...

Lots of licks and woofs,

Puppy Dog

Hello from Puppy Dog - PREY!

 

Hello friends!

There are birdies in a tree in our yard!

Mama tells me that I shouldn't go near them but they are PREY!

I am sure if I could just climb a little higher in the - PREY!

I know that I could get them and then chase whey they fly and - PREY!

Mama says that I am obsessed but I think - PREY!

Really it's not fair that Mama makes me come in-PREY!

I mean how am I supposed to deny my herit-PREY!

They're cheeping.  PREY! PREY!  Gotta go!

PREY! PREY! PREY!

Lots of licks and-PREY!

Hello from Puppy Dog - The Nice Lady

 

Today Dada took me for a walk up to the place where Hairless Apes go into strange dens and come out holding big paper bags full of treats that they don't share with me.

It was a lovely day so we sat outside a place that had a sign that said BEER in the window.  I don't know what beer is but Dada and Uncle Tony sat on a bench and talked a lot and ignored me.  

I was pretty bored until a Nice Lady came out to say hello to me.

She was a small, young Hairless Ape with very small furs.  Hairless Apes change their furs all the time - I don't know why.  Her's were very tight and tiny.

She was bending over me to stroke my head and ears and telling me that I was a good boy and so well trained.

I wanted to tell her that it had nothing to do with training, thank you very much, and that I am just a good boy and that she should please massage my left ear a little lower down, when I realized that all the male Hairless Apes had stopped talking.

They were watching the Nice Lady and me.

At first I thought that I someone had finally got through to them and that they were listening to the Nice Lady and acknowledging what a good boy I am.

But then I saw where they were looking.

They were all looking at the Nice Lady's teats.

They were poking out a lot.  Not the nibbly bit, just the soft tennis ball parts.  

I am not sure why male Hairless Apes like teats so much.  Sure, they give you some nice food when you are a baby, but when you are a big boy, like me, there's really no point to them.  It's not like they're a sweet butt to sniff, or anything.

Anyway, after a while the Nice Lady seemed to notice that everything had gone a bit quiet and she went away.

Stupid male Hairless Apes!  I could've have had more ear massage!

Lots of licks and woofs,

Puppy Dog

Hello from Puppy Dog - Dada has a new religion

Hello friends!

My Dada is worshipping a new god. I don't think that it is a major god, because it's name isn't Lord or even Sir. It's a Miss.

His new god seems to have a sense of humor, because she demands some strange rituals from her followers.

Every night, Dada comes into the bedroom and takes off his bottom clothes, till he is only wearing his shirt. Then he takes his undershorts in his right hand and looks around the room. Then he walks around, slapping his undershorts on the walls and sometimes the ceiling.

He hits very hard - maybe he wants to show his god his devotion.

He invokes her name: "Miss Keeto! Miss Keeto!"

Then he sighs and says "OK" and Mama comes.

I don't think Mama follows the same religion because, while Dada is doing this, she hides in the water room.  And when she gets into bed she curses Dada's god!  She says "Bloody Miss Keeto!"

Then we all get into bed and go to sleep.

It's all very strange.

Dada is so weird sometimes!

Lots of licks and woofs,

Puppy Dog

Hello from Puppy Dog - I am very precious!

 

Hello Friends!

Mama and Dada bought insurance for me yesterday. 

Mama was muttering something about how I go up to strange dogs, get bitten and cost her $200, but I know it's because they think I am very, very important. 

Dada agreed and said something about me eating a box of chocolates bought for Mama's colleague and nearly killing myself, but I know it's because they think I am very, very precious.

I'm like a supermodel who insures her legs!

Or a surgeon who insures his hands!

That's because I am beautiful, and I am very good at what I do!

I'm insured!

Heh!

I bet I am worth a lot, too.  I bet I'm insured for a ton of bones and 100 boxes of doggie cookies and two truckloads of toys.

So how do we collect?

Lots of licks and woofs,

Puppy Dog

Lots of licks and woofs,

Puppy Dog.

Hello from Puppy Dog - Pack Time

 

Hello Friends!

I don't know why, but both Mama and Dada are at home with me every day now.

It's fantastic!

Mama throws the ball for me in the house, we go on long walks and I can sit at Dada's feet in the office or Mama's feet in the living room!

Mama keeps saying the word "job" and Dada keeps talking about something called "startup funding." I don't know what this all means but I don't care... they are home with me! It's fun!

They have invented a new special time, too!

They both come and sit with me - on my bed or anywhere in the house, really - and then we hug and cuddle and I get scratches and strokes from four Hairless Ape hands! And they are the Hairless Ape hands I love best of all in the world so it's like a double-double bonus!

I love these special moments!

Mama and Dada call it "Pack time."

I love my pack! Dada is the Alpha and Mama is the Beta and I am the Special One!

More Pack Time!

More!

More!

Lots of licks and woofs,

Puppy Dog

Hello from Puppy Dog - Big Ball Lady

Hello Friends!

The other day I was walking with my Dada.  I was running here and there, like I always do, sniffing things, watching for squirrels and marking all the trees and bushes that are mine.

Then we saw a lady walking towards us.

I got very excited because I could see that the lady wanted to play with me.  She was hiding something but I am very clever and I wasn't fooled.  I knew this was going to be a good game!

So I jumped up to tell the lady that we could start the game now!  Let's go!

Dada got cross and pulled me off and said sorry to the lady and dragged me away.

WTF?

When we got home I heard Dada tell Mama something about being so embarrassed and some other silly words like "preg" and "ant."  I don't bother with ants - they are so small - and I don't know what a preg is.

The lady wanted to play with me!  Why else would she be hiding a ball under her T-shirt?  I could see it! 

Dada is so weird sometimes.

Sigh.

Lots of licks and woofs,

Puppy Dog.

Hello from Puppy Dog - Mama is crazy

Hello friends!

Today Mama started calling me Oughty-Wan-Ka-Naughty and started waving a the broom at me. 

She kept making funny noises - something like "Vrrrrrrmmmmm Vrrrrmmmm!"

Then she seemed to lose her mind. 

She talked about the part of the living room where my bed is being Dark Side and that she knew I was making a Death Fart.

I am really worried.

If Mama goes nutty, who will feed me?

Lots of licks and woofs,

Puppy Dog