Depression and ECT 50: Coping

I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

So I don't check, at lunch time, with my friend that it's still ok to drive over to Oakland to see her and her new baby, so I set off from San Francisco and I'm across the bridge when I hear she's back at hospital with a jaundiced newborn. This is after turning the wrong way down a one way street in SF because the TomTom can't calibrate where I am.

So I pull off the highway, find somewhere to stop and contact my SF friend that I'm supposed to see later, to ask if I can come hang at his house.

I put the address in the TomTom to come back to SF, and the bridge has a toll and I have no cash so now I have a $25 fine.

I simply cannot take the stress of this kind of thing. I was sobbing as I was driving. I just don't have normal coping skills. I'm handicapped. And I don't use that word lightly. I mean no disrespect to people with physical disabilities but the reality is - there's no doubt about it - I have a mental one.

I can't just zip off in the hire car without needing a Xanax and getting panicked anyway.

This is not who I was two years ago. I don't know who this new person is and I just don't know what she can and can't handle and I seem to constantly make mistakes and push too hard, with horrible consequences.

On the other hand, is it too much to ask to be able to drive half an hour in city traffic to see a friend without cracking? Seriously?

Is this what I'm reduced to now? A homebody? Inside my meditation-yoga-walking-35 hour working week with no variation?

Must I go to weekly therapy, meditate every day and do yoga 5 times a week just to maintain a state of ridiculous fragility?

Is this a temporary thing? Will it get better with time?

Or do I need to change my meds... AGAIN?

Sometimes I get so tired of this.

For more posts in this series, click the Depression and ECT category on the left.

Depression and ECT 49: The positively wonderful US of A

I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

We've been watching British TV all weekend and it's making me homesick. I'm particularly struck by the portrayal of a lack of political correctness and lots of calling a spade a spade. I miss that.

On the other hand I can't help but wonder if the relentless positivity in the US has, in some small way, helped me with my depression. Having to greet everyone with a light voice, keeping conversation light... It might be a small balm that helps keep the darkness at bay.

Who knows?

Depression and ECT 48: Mindful and kind

I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

Yesterday I had a phone call with a school friend I haven't spoken to in over ten years. We were reminiscing about little things, like walking home from school every day together.

This morning I was beating myself up for something stupid I had done and simultaneously getting sad about my childhood memories and wishing I had paid more attention to enjoy those times when they happened.

And that's when it hit me.

Going forward, to avoid regrets and feelings of loss, what I need to do is two simple things: be mindful and be kind.