Depression and ECT 37: Taking it slow

I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html
#depression
#ECT

I did something different this morning... I got up slowly.

I woke up at 6 and fed the dogs, then went back to bed. I lay there for a while, then called Fluffy Bear overseas to catch up with him. Then I threw the ball for Puppy Girl a bit, and then I lay on the floor with Puppy Dog on his bed and gave him side neck scritches that he loves.

Then I ambled into the bathroom to start the morning ablution routine.

It's a really interesting feeling to not hurtle out of bed to the toothbrush, but to behave as if I'm on vacation. I like this feeling. It's worth waking up half an hour earlier to do this.

Ambling awake.

I like it.

Depression and ECT 36: Strange longings and new books

I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html
#depression
#ECT

It feels weird not to have ECT for so long. It won't be two weeks for another two days but still, when it was such a huge part of my life having treatments three times a week, it feels strange to taper off like this. I got to know the nursing staff, we knew where we liked to park in the parking garage, it was a routine. And now it's gone.

I sound like a nutter, I know.

Missing a medical treatment where a needle got stuck in my arm and anesthetic that burned got pumped into me. Ridiculous.

In other news, I'm reading an interesting book called The Antidote - Happiness for People Who Can't Stand Positive Thinking. I'm not that far into it, but there's already been an interesting premise put forward that I have put into practice today.

The book talks about the Stoics, who contend that events simply are what they are, and we cause ourselves pain by conflating our emotional response to the event with the event itself.

Hang on, I have to look up Conflating and make sure it means what I think it means.

Yes, it does.

Anyway.

Are the other drivers on the roads idiots, the book asked, or is it that you THINK they are?

And so today I tried not to detest every other driver I encountered on my way home. "Everyone is just trying their best," I told myself. I'm not saying that I believed it throughout the journey (one woman really was a total dolt), but it did reduce my stress levels.

The book is a very interesting read. As I get into it more, I'll blog more about it.

Depression and ECT 35: Feeling better

I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html
#depression
#ECT

Well of course today I feel better.

My inner voice, in the shower, was saying things like: "NOTHING can break my inner spirit!"

This is the one thing that gives me hope. No, not the inner voice thing, but that the lows don't last. Even though more and more Depression symptoms are creeping back into my life, they still don't last as long as they used to.

A small ray of hope.

But I'll take it.

Depression and ECT 34: Fear

I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html
#depression
#ECT

I didn't go to work yesterday. I woke up in the morning and I just couldn't do it - yet another depression symptom that has crept back into my life. I have wonderful friends who know Fluffy Bear is away, so set up social events with me to distract me. I did three things on Saturday and three on Sunday and I think I just crashed on Monday.

I just wanted to sob in bed.

But I didn't. I slept and then I watched some TV and then I went to yoga. And, of course, because I didn't cry, I totally lost it at bed time and woke Fluffy Bear up in Europe and cried on the phone to him.

I was so upset I couldn't get to sleep and I had to reset the alarm this morning and nap for another hour. Then I had to use the mental Drill Sargent to get out of bed, get showered and get to work, and I was in a really pissy mood. I drove like a crazy bitch and desperately wanted someone to start something with me so I could get out of my car and hit them. I managed to keep my mouth shut at work, and get through an important meeting without doing anything too stupid. But I was out of the office at 4:30.

What's really going on when I'm in a shitty mood like that is that I want to collapse in wracking sobs. There's a small child inside my head and she's throwing a tantrum, sweeping ornaments off tables and pulling shelving units down. Then she curls up in a little ball, tears streaming down her face and wails: "I'm scared."

And I am.

I'm scared that the Depression Monster is coming back, and that it's taking over. I'm scared that I'm going to filled with negative thoughts, feel sad for no reason and fantasize about killing myself all the time. I'm scared that all the anesthetic and shock treatments and time off work and drugs and consultations were all for nothing and that the good effects I felt from ECT are ebbing away.

It's as if someone showed me a beautiful garden and then shut the gate and locked me out.

I'm scared and I'm pissed off.

Because it isn't fair. It isn't fair that I have this disability, and it isn't fair that something helped, and that now the effects aren't lasting.

IT ISN'T FUCKING FAIR.

I'm petrified.

Hell is Other People - Unfriend!

Once upon a time, before Depression really took hold, I was actually funny. This is one of my old blog posts. If you want to read more in this series, click the Tag at the bottom. To explore different series, click the Category links on the left.

If Facebook made me answer a survey about why I unfriended you, these are the choices I'd want them to include:

Your constant preaching about your eating methodology/pop psychology theory/tree hugging hippy crap became tedious.

Your children are interesting but I'm friends with YOU. I never hear anything about what you're doing.

God is far more inclusive and tolerant than you give him/her credit for.

I told myself one more positive pop psychology photo and I was going to kill you, so I'm unfriending you to save your life.

You're proof that gender/sexual preference/race/human rights/female body/healthcare activism still needs our fervent support.

There has to be more to your life than photographic evidence of your excessive calorie consumption.

There's has to be more to your life than the happenstance, at any given moment, of your physical location.

Guess what? The pogrom is over. Stop kvetching already,

Depression and ECT 33

I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html
#depression
#ECT

I'm starting to notice the cognitive side effects more and more.

First, there is the short term memory loss. I've discussed this already. I had two conversations at work this last week where the people I was talking to told me we'd already had the discussion, and I had no memory of it. To explain myself, I'm just up front with people about it. "I'm having medical treatments and the side effect is loss of short term memory," I tell them. Too bad if it's TMI. It's the truth. If it was a physical disability they'd make allowances, so they can bloody well make them for me too.

Second, I'm noticing a general cognitive deterioration. I struggle to find the right word or name for things, and spend a lot of time saying things like "Those breakfast things. Not pancakes, the other one." Or: "You know, the guy with the red hair who told us about that sushi restaurant."

I'm also struggling to figure things out, most notably directions. Before driving to meet a friend at a restaurant I've been to many times, I had to think very hard - for over five minutes - about how to get there. And yes, I have sat nav in my car, but the system doesn't know the rat runs that avoid the traffic.

This cognitive deterioration is interesting. I thought to myself that this is how it must feel for less intelligent people. They struggle to figure something out, or they can't remember what something is called. It's weird experiencing what it must be like for Alzheimer's patients at the start.

I was talking to a friend about it and I said to her: "If you told me I'd have to live with these memory and mental processing problems, but I could keep the improved mood the rest of my life, I'd say OK,"

I'll figure it out.

I need to start taking notes about everything at work.

Everything.

Depression and ECT 32

I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html
#depression
#ECT

Saw the psychiatrist two days ago. We're still on a fortnightly ECT plan and reducing my Pristiq by 50mg.

He asked me how I am and I said that, if there was a scale where 1 was normal and 10 was suicidal, the ECT had taken me to 1 or 2, and I had thought I might be going to stay there. But I've slowly slipped backwards and now I'm at 6 or 7. I told him Depression symptoms are creeping back like crying in the shower, or having to Drill Sargeant myself to get out of bed and into the shower in the morning. I admitted that they don't happen with the frequency they did back when I was at a 10, but I'm so disappointed that they are back at all, and I'm scared that I am going to keep regressing.

Both he and Fluffy Bear said that they thought I was still better than I had been when we started ECT, and they thought that I was better than I scored myself.

That actually meant something to me coming from Fluffy Bear, because he sees me every day but, on the other hand, he doesn't hear the voices in my head, and he doesn't see me hiding away crying in the bedroom in the middle of the day.

We talked about a cheek swab test you can send off to a lab, and they look at how you metabolize certain classes of antidepressants. It can help your doctor know what kinds of drugs to prescribe for you, so it can take away some of the throwing darts in the dark aspect of prescription. He said he didn't think insurance would cover it, and that he thought it had a 50-50 chance of being helpful but that it could give us interesting information. He wrote the order form for me to take to a lab and try and see if insurance will let me have it.

Fluffy Bear is going on a business trip so we decided not to make any more medication changes, and set the next ECT date for when he's back.

So I guess I just carry on and hope that I don't continue to deteriorate back into the Depressed mess I was three months ago.

Not a particularly inspiring meeting. My life wouldn't form the plot of an inspirational docudrama right now. No soaring music and soft focus.

The good news is that I finished reading Sane New World by Ruby Wax and I've started practicing mindfulness and meditating. Just five minutes in the morning - I don't want to make it hard for myself. I want to increase the time incrementally, but slowly.

I'm also doing yoga or something "yogic" every day. I took disproportionate pleasure in squeezing into the mat storage program at the studio this week, so I can now leave my (brand new) mat there and not lug it around. Of course to store it I had to buy a cover for it. I am well and truly treehugginghippiecrap hooked.

Depression and ECT 31

I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html
#depression
#ECT

Why does he love me? Why does he care? Why does he put up with this partner who needs to be driven to endless hospital appointments and appeased with chocolate cake? Why does he rub my feet? Why does he text me during the day just to check in?

What can possibly possess him to put up with a wife who is this much work?

If the roles were reversed, would I be as diligent, as encouraging, as faithful?

Would the kindest thing be to let him go, to let him find someone who can look after him for a change?

I don't deserve this. Surely not.

Why does he do it?

Why?

Depression and ECT 30

I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html
#depression
#ECT

I had a really interesting discussion yesterday with my massage therapist about how people who do not have depression struggle to understand what it is like for those of us who do.

His partner regularly tells him to "Just relax."

I had someone close to me send me an email with bullet points that included self-help books, questions like "What do you do each day to further your happiness?" and "What will you tell St Peter that you did with your life when you reach the pearly gates?"

Not only are these kinds of things unhelpful, they're insulting. They're insulting because they do not acknowledge the gargantuan effort that the depressed person is making to function quasi-normally.

Depression Brain isn't about attitude, it's a feeling, and there are destructive voices.

Let's start with the feeling.

For no reason that you can identify, you feel desperately sad. The closest a non-depressed person can get to understanding the feeling is if they have lost someone they care for very much, and have gone through the grieving process. Depression Brain has you so sad that all you want to do is crawl into bed and sob.

Now imagine the effort it takes to get out of bed, brush your teeth, shower and get to work. All the while you are talking yourself through overcoming the terrible sadness. You're making yourself not cry. "I can do this," you're saying to yourself again and again and again. "I can do this."

Think of a person who is blind, stinking drunk. The chemicals in their body and brain are making them unable to function normally. It's the same with Depression Brain. Your chemicals are out of whack. How far do you get if you go up to a very drunk person and say "Sober up, Mate, it's time to drive home." Not very far, right? Have you ever been drunk and had to make yourself walk straight, talk sense and get home safely? That's the same kind of effort Depression Brain demands on a bad, depressed day.

But imagine feeling like that EVERY FUCKING DAY.

Now consider telling that person to "Just relax." Anybody who says that can go fuck themselves. .

Next, the voices.

Depression Brain can be like having an abusive parent in your head.

Accusations, insults, and portents of doom.

Voices in your head, which sometimes seem like another version of you but other times really seem to come out of nowhere.

"Your husband is going to get sick of this depression bullshit and leave you."
"Your boss is getting tired of your sick days. The performance review next week is going to be you being put on a Performance Monitoring Plan."
"You can't manage this negotiation. It's for over a million dollars. You have no idea what you're doing."

It goes on and on and on. Eventually, it's hard not to believe the voices because they're just so fucking persistent. The first time you're told you're a piece of shit, you push back, but the 57th time? Not so easy.

The voices make it hard to "do one thing to further your happiness every day." That doesn't mean a depressed person doesn't try, but meditating is somewhat undermined by a voice saying everyone would be better off if you were dead. Doing something creative can be spoilt by a voice reminding you that the sharp cooking knife is right next to the stove and all it would take is one energetic swipe to slit your wrists.

So how DO you help a depressed person?

It's going to sound like a cliche, but all you can do is be there for them. If you're not physically in the same place, check in every few hours or once a day by text or through Facebook. Visit. Sit and have tea and distract with conversation. Hold their hand. Hug them. Be there.

On second thought, ask them what they need. They probably have a different opinion to mine.

IF A FRIEND WAS BEING ABUSED YOU WOULDN'T SHOUT AT HER TO STOP SUFFERING, YOU WOULD SOOTHE HER PAIN.
RUBY WAX, SANE NEW WORLD.

Depression and ECT 29

I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html
#depression
#ECT

The memory loss side effects of ECT are showing themselves.

When the side effect was first discussed with me, and I did some online research, my understanding was that it was short term memory loss. I'll forget someone's name immediately after they introduce themselves to me, I thought, big deal.

But I've discovered that I've also been unable to store some memories of things that happened during my month of intensive treatment.

The other day I went to see my friend in the hospital. I walked into her room, and there was a woman in there sitting by the window. I thought she might be my friend's sister, but I wasn't sure. I knew her name, and I knew I had met her, but I didn't know when or where.

I greeted my friend (let's call her Julie), and the woman (let's call her Jane), and chatted away, getting caught up on Julie's condition and prognosis. After a pause, I looked across at Jane and said "I know your name, and I think you're Julie's sister, but I don't know how I know you."

Jane explained that we had met when Julie was in hospital a few months ago, and that it had been on a day when we had all been very worried because Julie had to be operated on as she had a complication.

I couldn't remember any of it.

Julie reminded me of the complication she'd had that day, and the surgery that had to happen. I couldn't recover any of it from my memory banks, and then I realized that I didn't know what had caused Julie to be in the hospital in the first place, so they had to explain the entire story to me from the beginning.

I wasn't embarrassed or angry at the side effect... I just found it bizarre and strangely fascinating.

I was at Julie's bedside on a day when she had a major complication and I was part of giving comfort at a landmark event in her illness and I simply cannot remember one iota of it.

I'm having trouble at work remembering if I've done a task or not, and I'm basically surviving because of a Kanban board, but I really didn't expect to have issues with long term memory.

Fluffy Bear jokes that I told him he could buy a 76" flat screen.

NIce try.

SHOULD I KILL MYSELF, OR HAVE A CUP OF COFFEE?
ALBERT CAMUS

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html

Depression and ECT 28

I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html
#depression
#ECT

I met with my psychologist yesterday. It's a while since I've seen her so I had a lot to update her on: ECT going down to once a fortnight, the whole saga of my fear that the cure wasn't sticking, titrating down the Pristiq dose.

I told her that my psychiatrist, when we agreed to decrease the Pristiq dose, said that getting me off some of my four antidepression meds will create space to try other meds which might help the cure stick.

I also told her about reading Sane New World, where Ruby Wax details some of the brain chemicals that impact depression.

"The chemicals are so complex. I wish we could figure out what my chemical imbalance is and what pills I should take," I said. "If only we had nanotechnology which could go into my brain and diagnose me. But instead we're --"

"Throwing darts," she said.

And it's true. With depression you try a drug, you vary the dose, you see if it works. You try a different drug.

Yes, there is some knowledge of the chemistry and I'm sure psychiatrists are, to some degree, making informed choices when they prescribe, but some of it is just luck. It really is.

I have a good friend who had surgery and was then given blood thinners. Turns out she was one of the 0.003% who are allergic to the drug, and part of her intestine died and had to be removed. For fuck's sake! Those are ridiculous odds! What bad luck!

I want my drug luck to change. I'm sick of this shit. I want a dart to hit the right spot.

So far, the Pristiq dose reduction (unlike Respiridone which was a cluster fuck) is going well, so maybe, just maybe, there's hope.

EVERY MAN HAS HIS SECRET SORROWS WHICH THE WORLD KNOWS NOT; AND OFTEN TIMES WE CALL A MAN COLD WHEN HE IS ONLY SAD.
HENRY WADSWORTH LONGFELLOW

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html

Depression and ECT 27

I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html
#depression
#ECT

I went and saw my shrink today. He asked me how I am and I said this:

I feel like I had a sore hip. I started seeing a chiropractor and massage therapist, and my hip stopped hurting. I didn't magically get the ability to be a ballerina or anything, but I enjoyed the freedom of not having a sore hip. So I stopped seeing the chiropractor and massage therapist, and now my hip is starting to hurt again, and I'm really disappointed. I thought I was cured. I enjoyed not having to deal with a sore hip.

I told my shrink that, over the last few days, Depression Brain has come back.

He asked me how Depression Brain manifests.

I told him I cry more easily, the negative voices start up again inside my head, I have suicidal thoughts and I don't self-regulate, so I end up doing stupid things like emailing complaints to VPs at work.

I said I really enjoyed feeling normal when the ECT had worked, and feeling the normality ebb away and Depression Brain come back is devastating. I started to cry as I said this.

Fluffy Bear said that he didn't think that I was as bad as I was when I was depressed pre-ECT.

My shrink said that the way that I was feeling at that moment may not be a reflection of the big picture, so he asked me how I was coping at work. I admitted that I have been coping pretty well, especially since my new responsibilities mean that I have a humungous workload. I haven't let it overwhelm me.

My shrink said that he wanted to stick to a two week gap until my next ECT. just to see how I do with not having a treatment for two weeks. He also asked me to start tapering off Pristiq. I'm taking four different antidepressants so we need to work on getting off some of them. He said that doing that would also open up the opportunity to try other drugs which might make the normality stick. I'm all for that.

I guess I came away somewhat encouraged.

THAT'S THE THING ABOUT DEPRESSION: A HUMAN BEING CAN SURVIVE ALMOST ANYTHING, AS LONG AS SHE SEES THE END IN SIGHT. BUT DEPRESSION IS SO INSIDIOUS, AND IT COMPOUNDS DAILY, THAT IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO EVER SEE THE END.
ELIZABETH WURTZEL

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html

Depression and ECT 26

I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html
#depression
#ECT

I've had ECT three times a week for a month, then ECT once a week for a month. My last in that series was last Friday. I've been told to come back in two weeks time.

But I can feel that I'm slipping back into Depression Land. It's a subtle shift. It's not like it's a recognizable event. It's more like suddenly realizing that something has been lost, and the something is normality.

Instead of being normal I am back to the repetitive thoughts ringing through my head:

"I need my life to be different. I need my life to be different. I need my life to be different."

Yup. Broken record thoughts, unbidden, echoing through my mind. I can read the signs -- I'm back in Depression Land.

Then, I find I'm cheerleading myself through my morning:

"Just get in the shower and start washing your glasses. Muscle memory will take over, you'll be OK. Just keep moving."

"Grab the towel and dry your hair. You can do it. Keep moving. There's the hairdryer. Keep moving. Keep moving."

You see, it's not that the ECT gave me moonlight and rainbows. It's that it TOOK AWAY all this negative crap. It just put me on an even keel, in a neutral place - in blissful normal.

Sign No. 3: I've been tearful today. I cried when I saw my OBGYN - she's retiring and I had my last appointment with her. I cried watching Real Housewives of Beverley Hills when Brandi hugged her dad, remembering my difficult relationship with my father. Boo hoo hoo. Boo hoo hoo. Crying at the drop of a hat.

Sign No. 4: I lost it at work today. I fired an email off to a senior person, complaining about an ad put out by my company. He responded immediately, agreed with me and promised to look into it, but he probably bcc'ed the email to HR so it can go on my file. Yup. Behaving like an idiot and mouthing off.... deep, deep, deep in Depression Land.

...

What the fuck am I going to do?

I can't keep going to the hospital three times a week, getting knocked out by anesthetic and having my brain zapped. It's just not fucking practical.

So what if I've gone through all of this and the effects of the ECT don't hold? What if I'm back where I started?

Fuck.

...

I'm on four fucking medications. My OBGYN even commented on how many meds I'm on. Something has to give.

Something HAS to give.

...

I'm scared. I'm scared that it isn't working. Or rather, that it did work, but that it isn't sticking.

I'm petrified.

...

Well, I see my shrink tomorrow afternoon, so I guess we'll see what he has to say.

Wish me luck.

DO YOU NOT SEE HOW NECESSARY A WORLD OF PAINS AND TROUBLES IS TO SCHOOL AN INTELLIGENCE AND MAKE IT A SOUL?
JOHN KEATS

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html