Depression and ECT 34: Fear

I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html
#depression
#ECT

I didn't go to work yesterday. I woke up in the morning and I just couldn't do it - yet another depression symptom that has crept back into my life. I have wonderful friends who know Fluffy Bear is away, so set up social events with me to distract me. I did three things on Saturday and three on Sunday and I think I just crashed on Monday.

I just wanted to sob in bed.

But I didn't. I slept and then I watched some TV and then I went to yoga. And, of course, because I didn't cry, I totally lost it at bed time and woke Fluffy Bear up in Europe and cried on the phone to him.

I was so upset I couldn't get to sleep and I had to reset the alarm this morning and nap for another hour. Then I had to use the mental Drill Sargent to get out of bed, get showered and get to work, and I was in a really pissy mood. I drove like a crazy bitch and desperately wanted someone to start something with me so I could get out of my car and hit them. I managed to keep my mouth shut at work, and get through an important meeting without doing anything too stupid. But I was out of the office at 4:30.

What's really going on when I'm in a shitty mood like that is that I want to collapse in wracking sobs. There's a small child inside my head and she's throwing a tantrum, sweeping ornaments off tables and pulling shelving units down. Then she curls up in a little ball, tears streaming down her face and wails: "I'm scared."

And I am.

I'm scared that the Depression Monster is coming back, and that it's taking over. I'm scared that I'm going to filled with negative thoughts, feel sad for no reason and fantasize about killing myself all the time. I'm scared that all the anesthetic and shock treatments and time off work and drugs and consultations were all for nothing and that the good effects I felt from ECT are ebbing away.

It's as if someone showed me a beautiful garden and then shut the gate and locked me out.

I'm scared and I'm pissed off.

Because it isn't fair. It isn't fair that I have this disability, and it isn't fair that something helped, and that now the effects aren't lasting.

IT ISN'T FUCKING FAIR.

I'm petrified.