Divided by a Common Language - Scrooge-o-ween

 

It's that time of year again.  The time when what was once a pagan festival, then a sweet neighborhood tradition, rears it's ugly, commercialized head.

Yes, that's right.  I mean Halloween.

How can I not love Halloween?

Well, firstly, I'm not American.  We didn't have Halloween when I was growing up in South Africa, and so I have no nostalgia about this event at all.  I see it for what it is, not what it once was.  

Second, those of you who know me will know that I am not that into children.  Beef has more flavor, lamb is juicer, chicken is lower calorie and pork makes better crackling. 

Last but not least, I have dogs.  Energetic, loud dogs who take it upon themselves to defend the den.  Brats knocking on my door for three hours stresses them out more than the fireworks on the 4th of July.

And I'm not the only one who feels this way.

On my last minute run to Safeway to get supplies, I saw a guy filling up his trolley with a lot of candy.  A woman next to him, waiting to reach over and grab a bag of sugary toothrot, made some joke about how much he was buying.

"Do you live around here?" he asked her, shoving more bags on the pile.

"Yes," she replied, "but I'm in an apartment block, so we don't get many trick or treaters."

"Well," he said, "last year I just stood at the door, from 5pm to 9pm handing out candy... (he started making a repetitive throwing gesture with his right hand)... We handed out $300 worth of the stuff."

"Three hundred dollars?" she gasped.

"Yeah," he sighed.  "I live on ______ street between ____ and ______.  They just keep coming."

"I hear ya," said an older gentleman, who'd joined our impromtu chat circle.  "It's like that around here."

"Do you think it'll rain tomorrow?" I asked, hopefully.

"Nope," said the older man ruefully.  "They say it'll be dry."  

And we all reached for more colorful corn syrup pebbles.

And that conversation pretty much summed it all up.  This is real pain for adults.  Oh sure, there are fun parties where you get to dress up and be silly, but the actual day?  Pain.  In.  The.  Arse.

I felt, after the chat broke up, completely vindicated in my Scrooge-o-ween plan.

And so I have put up my defences in readiness for tomorrow's suburban urchin assault.

Defence No. 1 - Crap decorations

I didn't bother to photograph them, because they are so bad.  There's one skeleton hanging on the wall by the door.  That's it.

Defence No. 2 - Crap candy

Defence No. 3 - Table 15 feet from the front door

Defence No. 4 - Lots of half-filled receptacles to put on the table

This way, it'll look like I bought a lot of candy, but other kids got to it first.

Defence No. 5 - Fire

Trying jumping over my 100 (I'm not kidding - not all are pictured) tealights to get to my front door, and that cheapass Chinese-sweatshop costume you're wearing is going to light you up like friggin' firework, brat.

To read more in this series, click here.

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Health is Wealth - Certification Determination

 

I had to call my health insurance company this week.  

It took me two minutes and forty seconds to get through the automated system and get to a live person.  Trust me, when you have an accent, automated switchboards do not like you.

Example:

"Operator"

"I think you said.  Coverage and.  Benefits.  Is that.  Correct?"

"No."

"I'm.  Sorry let's.  Try that again.  Please choose from the.  Following fifty.  Three.  Options billing.  Find a.  Practit--"

"Operator.  Operator!  OPERATOR!"

So, anyway...

I finally get to talk to a real, live human being.

 "Hello this is ____.  How can I help you today?"

"Hi ______.  I need to find out what some treatments will cost me.  I went for a regular check up this week and the Nurse Practitioner advised me to get an MRI and go for genetic counselling.  I want to find out how much those will cost me."

"Do you have the Procedure Codes?"

"The what?"

"The Procedure Codes.  We need to know why these procedures have to be done.  So if you could call and get the Procedure Codes, then call us back and---"

"Hang on.  Isn't there some way that we can do this more efficiently?  Is there any way that the Clinic can give the codes to you through an automated system?"

"Well, they can get a Predetermination of Benefits."

"A what?"

"They can call us and get a Predetermination of Benefits."

"OK..."

"Well, actually, you can get them to do a Precertifiction of Benefits and then wait till they've done that and then wait till we've reviewed and approved it and then call us back and ask for the costs and just tell the operator that you speak to that there's a Precert so that they can look up the Procedure Codes."

"OK so let me see if I get this.  I have to call them, and tell them to contact you to get a Precertification of Benefits.  Then I wait till they do that.  Then I wait till you approve it.  Then I call you and ask for the costs."

"Yes."

"And how long will it take them to get the request to you?"

"I'm sorry, I don't know that."

"And how long will it take you to review and approve?"

"Well, I can't guarantee that it will be approved, but review usually takes 7 to 10 days from receipt."

As always when dealing with the American health"care" system, I was getting really, really pissed off.

It wasn't his fault.  He's a phone operator.  I get that.  But I decided to make myself feel better at his expense, anyway.

"Well, let's hope nothing grows too much in the meantime."

"Yes, Ma'am.  Is there anything else I can help you with today?"

"Well, you could pray for me."

To read more in this series, click here.

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Divided by a Common Language - Why the USA needs the World Cup

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Rugby World Cup is currently being hotly contested in New Zealand.

 

Last night, South Africa's Springboks were eliminated from the competition in an amazing match against Australia's Wallabies.  

 

I am thus somewhat depressed today, and feeling that we were robbed.  If you look at all the stats, it was South Africa's game:

 

Australia forced to make 147 tackles, South Africa 53

South Africa had 84% of territory

South Africa had 55% of possession of the ball

 

South Africa were the better team all the way through the match.  But that doesn't matter, because the final score was Australia 11, South Africa 9.

 

Fluffy Bear is also pissed that South Africa lost, because England went out of the competition last weekend and so he switched his support over to my team.

 

We had a great time watching the rugby.  Because New Zealand is West of us, the games were at 10pm our time.  Our friends came round, we all wore our South African rugby jerseys, we made nachos and sausage rolls and, of course, there was gallons of beer.

 

We yelled, we cheered, we jumped up out of our seats.  We tweeted and Facebooked with South African friends and family back home, in Belgium, in the MidWest, in the UK.  And, when we lost, we held our heads in our hands and then spent half an hour bitching about the referee, who had overlooked several infringements by Australia, and disallowed a try (like a touchdown) that we felt should have been allowed.  

 

But then we got over it, and started talking about who we should support for the rest of the tournament, switching gears to yell for Argentina in the next game.

 

And that's when it hit me.

 

American's don't have this.

 

There is NO sport that unites the USA as a nation.  Every day, in small ways - laws, politics, eductation system - I am reminded that the place I currently call home isn't a country.  It isn't a nation.  It is the United States.  A bunch of places - large enough to be countries in the their own right (even the little ones are comparable to places like Luxembourg) - that have chosen, in some areas, to cooperate with each other.  In some areas.  That is all.

 

In fact, you could argue that nothing unites the USA as a nation.  

 

But wait, war unites a nation, right?  Hmmm, not in this case.  The current wars being waged by the US are so far away, and based on such questionable justifications, that many US citizens do not support them.  The US has never waged a war on it's own soil, like France, Germany, etc. and so has never been united against a common threat on the home front.

 

What about cultural unity.  Sure, the US has that to some degree, but the diverse ancestry of the citizenry is another thing that ensures there is a lack of unified identity.  While there may be regional differences, an extra thousand years of history have allowed England or Germany or Italy to develop a strong culture.  We all know - even if we cannot describe it in ten words or less - what it is to be Italian or French or even Swiss.  But what is it to be American?  This is something that is still, in some ways, being formed.

  

I think that the USA could really benefit from getting behind their national teams in worldwide competitions.  You have the Olympics, of course, but they are not a team sport, really, and they are so diverse that we aren't really united behind them, all watching at the same time on the same day and cheering for our team.

 

There are so many things that really supporting your teams in the the rugby or football (the original) world cups would give you:

 

• The opportunity to really unite as a nation.  Flags fly, strangers gather in pubs to watch the sport and make friends over it.  Everyone is discussing the same thing, even if they are expats dispersed all over the world
• The opportunity to face, and have to accept, defeat 
• The opportunity to learn that you may lose even if you shouldn't have, and that life is not fair
• The opportunity to understand the multiplicity of things.  Do you support the team of the country you live in or that your parents come from?  Once your team is knocked out, which other team should you support?

And, most of all, you get to experience all of this in the arena of sport, which is fun and good natured,

The USA needs to get behind their rugby and soccer teams and join with the rest of us in embracing world cup fever.  

You won't regret it.

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