Divided by a Common Language - Scrooge-o-ween
Sunday, October 30, 2011 at 3:34PM 
It's that time of year again. The time when what was once a pagan festival, then a sweet neighborhood tradition, rears it's ugly, commercialized head.
Yes, that's right. I mean Halloween.
How can I not love Halloween?
Well, firstly, I'm not American. We didn't have Halloween when I was growing up in South Africa, and so I have no nostalgia about this event at all. I see it for what it is, not what it once was.
Second, those of you who know me will know that I am not that into children. Beef has more flavor, lamb is juicer, chicken is lower calorie and pork makes better crackling.
Last but not least, I have dogs. Energetic, loud dogs who take it upon themselves to defend the den. Brats knocking on my door for three hours stresses them out more than the fireworks on the 4th of July.
And I'm not the only one who feels this way.
On my last minute run to Safeway to get supplies, I saw a guy filling up his trolley with a lot of candy. A woman next to him, waiting to reach over and grab a bag of sugary toothrot, made some joke about how much he was buying.
"Do you live around here?" he asked her, shoving more bags on the pile.
"Yes," she replied, "but I'm in an apartment block, so we don't get many trick or treaters."
"Well," he said, "last year I just stood at the door, from 5pm to 9pm handing out candy... (he started making a repetitive throwing gesture with his right hand)... We handed out $300 worth of the stuff."
"Three hundred dollars?" she gasped.
"Yeah," he sighed. "I live on ______ street between ____ and ______. They just keep coming."
"I hear ya," said an older gentleman, who'd joined our impromtu chat circle. "It's like that around here."
"Do you think it'll rain tomorrow?" I asked, hopefully.
"Nope," said the older man ruefully. "They say it'll be dry."
And we all reached for more colorful corn syrup pebbles.
And that conversation pretty much summed it all up. This is real pain for adults. Oh sure, there are fun parties where you get to dress up and be silly, but the actual day? Pain. In. The. Arse.
I felt, after the chat broke up, completely vindicated in my Scrooge-o-ween plan.
And so I have put up my defences in readiness for tomorrow's suburban urchin assault.
Defence No. 1 - Crap decorations
I didn't bother to photograph them, because they are so bad. There's one skeleton hanging on the wall by the door. That's it.
Defence No. 2 - Crap candy
Defence No. 3 - Table 15 feet from the front door
Defence No. 4 - Lots of half-filled receptacles to put on the table
This way, it'll look like I bought a lot of candy, but other kids got to it first.
Defence No. 5 - Fire
Trying jumping over my 100 (I'm not kidding - not all are pictured) tealights to get to my front door, and that cheapass Chinese-sweatshop costume you're wearing is going to light you up like friggin' firework, brat.
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Reader Comments (4)
BAHAHAHAHA! I especially like the idea about the 1/2 empty bowls...genius.
Thanks! Make $20 of candy look like it was $300 worth!
The tea light deterrent is brilliant! I'll have to remember it for next year.
There's nothing like a FIRE WALL to deter intruders!