Quote Unquote

"You so dumb you think Roe v. Wade are two ways to cross a river."

John Stewart, The Daily Show

I am Woman - Low-grade sexism

I went to a work "morale event" this week. It was go-karting. I was one of three females there. I had to put a helmet sock over my head and mess up my makeup and hair. I've only done karting once in my life - unlike the guys who said "we know these" when the rules guy did the safety briefing. I don't think of myself as a crappy or hesistant driver... I can be pretty aggressive. But I suck at karting.

I really tried. I tried to get the feel of the car. I tried to be aggressive. I tried to copy what the guys around me were doing. But all I got was the blue flag waved frantically at me which meant "pull to the right and get the feck out of the way because you're blocking guys behind you who are better than you."

I came off the track and said - very loudly - "They do team days at spas, you know!"

I felt really uncomfortable through the whole thing.

On the way home, I started thinking about the morale events we've had over the last few years. Bowling, Pool, Karting, Baseball, Basketball.

Yes, women bowl. Yes, women play pool. Yes women can drive karts. Yes, women like to watch baseball and basketball.

But you gotta admit, these are all more mannish activities.

There are four strategies that I can think of to deal with these events:

1. Don't go (i.e. miss the networking opportunity)


2. Go but don't participate (i.e. be a decorative woman)


3. Go and be so good that you beat the men at their own game (this takes talent or a lot of practice - who can be bothered? - and ends up getting you seen as one of the boys)


4. Go and participate and be crap (i.e. be humiliated and be forced to be a "good sport" even though this activity isn't something you would ever choose to do or pay money for).

I tend to go with 4, and try to leave early. But I don't really have that much fun.

Am I reading too much into this, or are these events evidence of a low-grade sexism?

(feel free to answer in the Comments)

I am trying to think of team events that I'd be more comfortable with. The goals of a team event are decompression, interaction, networking, fun.

How about:

• Linedancing?


• Karaoke?


• Salsa lessons?


• Booking up a comedy club and asking them to pause between acts for us to eat and hang out?


• Trivia night booked at a pub?


• Wine tasting basics evening?


• Cooking class?

Now I'm looking up stuff online. Check this out:

• Drum class


• Rowing


• There's a guy that comes and reads your palm! Now we're talking!


• Go to a local tourist haunt (how many people see tourist sites in their own town?)


• Geocaching or treasure hunts
• Chocolate tasting class! YEAH!

And yes there are cooking classes, wine tasting, etc., too.

OK now I'm being pro-active. I'm going to email these links to my boss. We'll see what happens...

Quote Unquote

To be fair, this is probably a misquote, but it's the best I can do from memory.

I was flicking through the channels and ended up in the middle of an episode of Wife Swap.

In this show, wives from very different families swap over for a week or two. For the first part of the stay with their guest family, they abide by the rules of the lady of the house. For the second part, they can impose their own rules.

To make it "good" TV, the producers tend to choose very different families for the swaps. In this episode, a very hippy dippy family had swapped wives with a down-home cowboy family.
When I turned to the channel, Hippy Mama was telling her host family her new rules, and was addressing the Cowboy Dad, who was slouching on the couch sporting blue jeans, a Southern drawl and - of course! - a cowboy hat.

Hippy Mama explained that her husband walks around the house in a sarong and, now that the family had to follow her rules, the Cowboy Dad would do the same. And this is how she justified it:

"You need to feel the breeze of inspiration blow accross your loins."

He said something rude, stood up and walked out.

You gotta love dat trash TV!

Hello from Puppy Dog - Poke!

Hello Friends!

Today Mama took me to the people who poke at you. There are always lots of great smells there - lots of dogs and sometimes a kitty to growl at. But then they always poke you.

There was a tall man and he kept rubbing me around my neck. He said that he was just petting me in a strange way but I wasn't buying it. I wasn't born into the litter yesterday!

Mama told him about a pea under my skin. I don't eat peas! What the heck was she talking about?

The nice man kept rubbing and rubbing and then he went away and a woman with orange fingernails - I could tell they were vile even though I don't see colors very well - came in and she did the same thing.

And then Mama said "Here it is!"

Then the orange fingered lady put on a buzzing machine and cut off some of my fur!

Then she took me in the back and the tall man poked me with a needle!

OW!

Some hairless apes sure do get their kicks in strange ways...

Afterwards Mama took me to the dog park so that made me feel better. But I had a hard time explaining to the other dogs why I had a small bald patch. Then I had a brainwave! I told them I got it on with a vicious bitch! Now who's the coolest dawg?

He he he he.

Lots of licks and woofs,

Puppy Dog.

Divided by a Common Language - Eurovision 3

Eurovision Semi-final 2 Song Reviews

Here are my Eurovision song reviews for the songs which will be in the second semi-final. You can find the songs on YouTube or eurovision.tv.

My previous reviews are here. An explanation of what the feck Eurovision actually is is here.

I have included the scores of my dear friend, Everywhereventually, a Eurovision officionado. You can see his take on Eurovision and his reviews on the songs on his site, here. Check the blog archives on the right.

Croatia - Lijepa Tena
As soon as this song started I thought I was in a Greek or Italian restaurant and someone had put on a CD for ambience. The song is not in either of those languages, of course, it just has that restaurant-CD feel. The man and woman singing didn’t harmonize very well in the version I saw – hopefully they do better on the night. Then they both started warbling. Spare me.
Score: 3/10
EE score: 33/100

Ireland – Et cetera
All woman band in an 80s look with black shirt-dresses and pink glitter lycra leggings. Oh yes, this is what I’m talking about. Cheesy. Silly. Catchy. Pop so shallow an ant couldn’t drown in it. Perfect.
Score: 8/10
EE score: 32/100

Latvia – Sastrēgums
90s rock/pop/indie/whatever. The band seems to be taking themselves far too damn seriously. This poprock song is completely unmemorable, despite the band’s efforts to shout certain words annoyingly. Not in English, which won’t help their score. Whatever.
Score: 3/10
EE score: 31/100

Serbia – Cipela
The song opens with some killer accordion playing, which is then somewhat strangely followed by a middle aged white man with a beard and a strange red afro singing a-la-Topol in Fiddler on the Roof. The great accordion is let down by a horrible synthetic beat and this awful raspy singing. Then a very pretty blonde dances on and is dipped by big hair guy and blows him a kiss. Yeah, dude, AS IF.
Score: 3/10
EE score: 10/100

Poland – I don’t Wanna Leave
A lovely voice catches the attention immediately. A pretty girl, a power ballad. Nice, but not interesting enough to win.
Score: 7/10
EE score: 34/100

Norway – Fairytale
Norway is never boring. But one is never sure exactly what Norwegian culture is as each year that I have seen them they seem to show the essence of another country. Here we have what looks like Russian dancers and a fresh-faced boy who plays the fiddle and sings. He sings and plays rather well and the song is simple, but satisfactory. Actually, this isn’t too bad. The kind of song you’d clap along to and is benign enough to be played on an Easy Listening station.
Score: 8/10
EE score: 84/100

Cyprus – Firefly
Pretty young woman, conservatively dressed, singing sweetly. I thought for a moment that this was building into something interesting, but it turned out to be another song that could be in a Disney animated movie. I kept visualizing an animated firefly hopping across a pond. Someone else could take this song and do a complete makeover with it and perhaps have a hit. But not this band.
Score: 6/10
EE score: 52/100

Slovakia – Let T’mou
A ballad in a foreign language sung by a pretty girl. Then some slimy guy with too much hair gel comes on and they don’t harmonize. Shitakia.
Score: 2/10
EE score: 18/100

Denmark – Believe Again
Yum. Cute lead singer. Cute band. Cute song. Wakey wakey girlie bijingoes! The song isn’t quite catchy enough but it’s good eye candy without infantile boy band dance moves.
Score: 8/10
EE score: 42/100

Slovenia – Love Symphony
Nice staging – the performers each behind their own white screen, backlit, so you see them as shadows playing their instruments. But then the four violinists reach up and pull down their own white screens – tacky that they couldn’t come up with something automatic – and a Hooked on Classics beat comes in. Then the lead singer starts to sing a bit from behind her screen. Oh! I get it. The violinists and cellist are the main players – she’s a token vocal! All she sings is “Feeling free in this love symphony” and a few other lines I couldn’t discern because she was shrieking. Oh wait, she’s torn down her screen now. Hmmmm. Whatever.
Score: 5/10
EE score: 53/100

Hungary – Dance with Me
OK this song is far too good to be a Eurovision song. This should be a REAL song on an album. Disco beat. Cute guy. Fun. I like it. It will play in clubs, for sure.
Score: 10/10
EE score: 67/100

Azerbaijan – Always
Pop song with ethnic under-beat. Not as good as Turkey’s Dum Tek Tek but not bad. Chorus is catchy. Another one that will play in Ibizan clubs over the summer.
Score: 9/10
EE score: 68/100

Greece – This is our Night
Dance beat, cute guy thrusting his hips. Promising, but the chorus doesn’t deliver. There are other countries doing the same thing better.
Score: 7/10
EE score: 86/100

Lithuania – Love
Melodic piano opens the song. Cute guy, cute hat, plays and sings. Chorus isn’t bad but Elton John he aint. This is the kind of boy, kind of song, you want to take home to Mom. Up to you to judge if that is a good or bad thing.
Score: 6/10
EE score: 64/100

Moldova - Hora Din Moldova
Having the name of the country in the song title doesn’t auger well. Starts with a woman quasi-yodelling and pan flutes. Then the Baltic beat comes in. Lots of Hey-Heys and dancing in lines kicking. Oh dear. I’m back in the Greek restaurant again.
Score: 6/10
EE score: 92/100

Albania – Carry me in your Dreams
Ooh! Good beat to start. Oh dear, here comes the cheesy pop synth beat. There is nothing wrong with shallow pop if it is well done. This isn’t.
Score: 5/10
EE score: 90/100

Ukraine – Be my Valentine (anti-crisis girl)
This woman is just…. Well... scary.
More badly written English lyrics: On my pride and prejudice/I will just reminisce/These are the things you can’t miss/Come on give me a kiss.
She keeps ending every line with "BOM" and when she precedes it with "you are sexy" it sounds like “You are sexy bum.” Flashbacks to the Cheeky Girls! AAARGH!
I don’t know how or why but the beat, the melody, the song just somehow ends up being farce instead of fun.
Score: 6/10
EE score: 95/100

Estonia – Randajad
This reminds me of those sexy classical girls like Vanessa Mae. There is something dark and elegant and sensual about this one, but not in slutty way.
The lead singer is stunningly beautiful and her hair would make the average Goth girl want to cry. Long, black, straight with a 100% symmetrical fringe across her ivory skinned face.
If she can sing in English we may see her getting a mainstream recording contract. This is a very refreshing entry, but I don’t think it is a contender for the top spot.
Score: 9/10
EE score: 81/100

The Netherlands – Shine
This is what happened to Abba in a parallel universe. They got old and fat but kept singing, and their songs were OK but not really as catchy and fun and good as they used to be.
I know I am being ageist and a beauty Nazi but really, this is just a bit lame. It’s like your dad getting up to do Karaoke in public at your birthday party in front of all your friends. Ick.
Score: 4/10
EE score: 61/100

Quote Unquote

For obvious reasons, the source of this quote is anonymous.

"My father went on a date with a woman who turned out to be a
grifter and got arrested in front of him."

Divided by a Common Language - Eurovision 2

Eurovisions Semi-Final 1 Song Reviews

 

Here is my first pass at a Eurovision song review. You can find the songs on YouTube or eurovision.tv. If you want to know what the feck Eurovision is, check this post.

First I must tell you that I have scored these without reading Everywhereventually’s scores. I put them in afterwards. No doubt debate will follow.

Montenegro – Just Get out of my Life
Genre: Bubblegum
Performer: Bubblehead brunette
Strange dissonance between the elegant dress of the singer and lack of backup dancers while singing a poppity-pop song. You can tell she’d rather be doing a Celine Dion.
The key to a pop song is that the tune is catchy, sticks in your head and the lyrics are good, but simple enough to instantly allow you to sing along. This one isn’t actually that bad. They’ll lose on presentation though.
Score: 8/10

EE Score: 65/100

Czech Republic – Aven Romale
Genre: Ethnic with pop overlay
Performer: Group with traditional instruments and… well, read on.
I had to rewind this video on YouTube and watch it again. The group starts surrounding the singer. Two violinists and two guitarists, all dressed in black. Between them you see bright orange peeking through, and, as they part, there is a billowing of fabric. I expected a tall, statuesque brunette in a tasteful cocktail dress.
But no.
It’s a strange little man in an orange jumpsuit with a cape who then gets all hip hop before returning to a gypsy beat. His disturbing tiny triangle goatee gives him the face of an arch-nemesis, while his badly fitting clothes deliver a superhero from the neck down. It’s all very, very strange.
Score: Irrelevant. Too fecking weird.

EE Score: 1/100

Belgium – Copycat
Genre: Elvis
Elvis impersonator lead singer, doo wop backing singers with big pink hair, a guy on a double bass and a guy on vintage style electric guitar. In the background, some adorable animation. Fun, cute, upbeat and well executed. I am not sure if the voting audience will go for a fifties vibe, but I love it.
Score: 10/10

EE Score: 9/100

Belarus – Eyes that Never Lie
Genre: Rock
At first I thought this was going to be boring. Another rock song with noisy electric guitar proving that there are a few kinds of music that Europe simply cannot do better than the good ole U S of A. And then the lead singer comes out.
Platinum hair, hot off the hairdresser’s straightening tong press, whiter than white suit, a mile of smile and acres of ego.
The sleeves of the jacket have some kind of strange long stiff cuffs so he looks like he has coffee filters on his wrists.
Oh, God – jacket unzipped at the front half way to his navel… ick.
Considering the tyranny of beauty standards to which women are held, I choose to discriminate equally and so I feel completely justified in telling you that the singer has a slightly fat arse. Why the hell is he wearing white?
You will notice I am not talking about the song at all. That’s because it’s still playing and I’ve already completely forgotten it.
Score: 2/10

EE score" 40/100

Sweden – La Voix
Genre: Opera-pop. And yes, you’re right, there shouldn’t be such a thing.
What’s the name of that woman that sent a picture of herself naked to Sly Stallone and then married him? Well, whatever her name is, imagine her still young and with long stringy hair and you have the lead singer of this song.
Starting with a faux operatic warble, like you might find in a stage musical, the backing singers/dancers/eye candies part and there she is, in a strange black gown with feathers on her shoulders.
Oh God she’s gone back to warbling, only now over a bubblegum pop beat. It’s like a nightmare Hooked on Classics.
Let me tell you a secret darling, doing this kind of song doesn’t prove that you can do pop and opera – it just proves you’re crap at both.
Oh feck, I swear she just gargled.
Puppy dog is now barking in protest.
Verily, dear brethren, this sucks.
Score: NUL POINTS

EE score: 21/100

Armenia – Jan Jan
Genre: Ethnic pop
Starts with warbling which, after the last abomination, is not a good sign. But then some kind of local instrument and a good beat. First woman singer is a OK, then in comes the other one saying they are a team. Is this a repeat of Russia’s little gay girls of a few years ago?
Oh, no. They are sisters.
This song has a chance. It has the same kind of gypsy/ethnic/pop vibe that often wins. Good beat, but I don’t think the chorus is in English which will negatively impact memorability.
Oh dear. The sisters appear to be riffing and yelling “Jump it up with a Jan Jan!”
Hard to tell how this will do.
Score: 7/10

EE score: 67/100

Andorra – Get a Life
Genre:
Blonde with a messy hairstyle and short skirt holding a guitar. I am surprised she can keep her eyes open with all that black makeup.
Singing in a language other than English – that never helps you get votes.
This song sounds like something off an album by a singer from a girl band who has tried to break out on her own but her first single just isn’t good enough to stand out.
Yawn.
Score: 6/10

EE score: 32/100

Switzerland – the Highest Heights
Genre: Boy band
The right slightly messy hair, leather jackets, every band member wearing something in black, lolloping around the stage like boys in band do… they sure do look the part.
But the song is boring.
Blah.
Score: 6/10

EE score: 12/100

Turkey – Dum Tek Tek
Genre: EuroPop
This is perfection. This is what a Eurovision song should be – instantly catchy, a soupcon of the country it comes from (the title, an instrument warbling through the drums), fun, memorable lyrics that anyone could sing whether they are English speaking or not, sexy – but not slutty – singer.
Stunning
Score: 10/10

EE score: 72/100

Israel – There must be another way
Genre: Easy listening
I’ve looked this up on Google and it seems that one singer, Noa, is a top Jewish recording artist, while Mira Awad is a Christian Arab singer and actress. The song is sung in English, Hebrew and Arabic.
This is the first time an Arab has represented Israel in the contest. Well, once they had had a transsexual, one could argue all doors were opened. However, at least Dana International was good. As much as I like the fact that a song with this title and these symbolic performers has got through for Israel, I doubt the world will see the message because it just isn’t good enough to get through to the final. Then again, it might get through purely as a political ploy so the message can get out there. We all know that peace between Israel and Palestine would make a large contribution to peace for us all.
The woman wrote the song. Genius women– getting on a major public stage with a message of peace.
On a lighter note, I have no idea who dressed these women but that person should be shot for the good of mankind.
Score (non-political): 6/10

EE score: 26/100

Bulgaria – Illusion
Genre: Excrement
Fresh-faced boy singer who, inexplicably, is wearing chainmail. It’s like a bad, noisy Pet Shop Boys song. The various vocals don’t gel together, the lyrics are indiscernible, the tune is tedious, the boy singer keeps warbling like a castrato with only one ball cut off. Just, well, crap.
Score: 4/10

EE score: 7/100

Iceland – Is it true?
Genre: Pop Ballad
Pretty blonde girl who sings well. A nice enough song, Cherryl Crow or Carly Simon style. Nice enough. Not fun though.
Score: 7/10

EE score: 14/100

FYR Macedonia - Neshto Shto Ke Ostane
Genre: Rock
A few years ago a glam rock band dressed like Orks won. Since then at least a few countries try going this route. Jon Bon Jovi 80s hair, jeans, shirt untucked, waistcoat… you get the idea.
Not singing in English – a minus. Boring rock.
Score: 6/10

EE score: 55/100

Romania - The Balkan girls
Europop crap with over-make-upped bimbosluts. Lyrics excerpt:
The Balkan girls, they like to party
Like nobody, like nobody
(the groovy light, we'll shine all night)
My hips are ready to glow
This record is so hot and I have so much to show
I'll find a boy for a kiss
Who knows, maybe he'll be my prince.
Score: 4/10
EE score: 74/100

Finland – Lose Control
White boys shouldn’t rap unless they are White Trash and especially not if they aren’t first language English speakers. The female singers were amateurish. Even having people behind them twirling fire batons couldn’t make this interesting. No catchy tune. Lame lyrics. Bad singers. Crap.
Score: 2/10
EE score: 48/100

Portugal: Todas as Ruas do Amor
A rather sturdy woman with strange bits of red stuff plaited into her hair with an acoustic band behind her sings a very boring song in Portugese. Clearly all you have to do to give this woman a great date is take her to MacDonalds, because she dances as if the song she is singing actually has a fun beat and melody. It obviously doesn’t take much to please her.
Score: 2/10
EE score: 54/100

Malta – What if we
A nice song which you might hear on a Broadway stage or as a background to a Disney animated movie. It even has the inspirational lyrics: “There will be a star, no matter how far, shining…” The woman who sings it is good, but the song is no fun at all. I keep waiting for a small, cute, fluffy, animated dog to appear, training in Kung Fu.
Score: 5/10
EE score: 32/100

Bosnia & Herzegovina – Bistra Voda
Pale little boy with bad hair dressed in a coat he stole from Adam Ant. Actually, the arrangement and melody of this song are growing on me. But, sadly, it’s like foreplay that doesn’t lead to climax and, eventually, gets less and less exciting. There seems to be a military motif which, considering the country’s recent history, may indicate that the song is steeped in meaning. However, as it isn’t sung in English, I’ll never know, and neither will the people who vote on the night.
Score: 6/10
EE score: 13/100

Being a Doggy Mama - Funny Moments with Puppy Dog 1

Funny moments with Puppy Dog

1. You fart audibly while standing next to him. He looks up at you, puzzled, then steps back behind you and sniffs your butt.




2. You carry your dinner from the kitchen to the lounge. He follows you, nose in the air, sniffing like a cartoon character savouring a wafting yellow or pink colored smell in the air




3. He walks round and round on his cushion, paws it a few times, then plonks himself down




4. His head pops up from behind the coffee table if he hears a squeaking noise on the TV




5. He gets up from his lounge cushion at 11pm, walks across the dining room, claws clicking on the wooden floor, looks back at us - still watching TV - resentfully, and pads off to the bedroom. It's obviously bedtime, and we are late!

Health is Wealth - Eggs Akimbo

Went to see Softly Concerned, our Nutritionist, this week. Because my allergy test showed I am "Highly Reactive" to eggs, I have to do an exercise to see how they affect me.

First, I had to not eat any eggs for two weeks. Next, I have to reintroduce them and record the results.

Step 1: Egg whites

When she told me this I had no idea how I'd eat just egg whites without making merigues. Luckily, I managed not to verbalize that thought - I don't think it would have impressed her.

"Try an egg white omelette," she suggested.

I refrained from saying that I didn't see myself as a Hollywood Princess who orders off the menu. What I did say was that I'd seen them referred to on TV, and always thought they sounded disgusting.

"Actually," she said, "they aren't bad."

So I made myself one for lunch today and put mushrooms and onions and cheese in it. And - horror of horrors! - it wasn't that bad.

Step 2: Egg yolks.

I have to boil and egg and eat the yolk. I'll make sure I have lots of water close at hand. Egg yolk by itself doesn't exactly slip down easy.

Step 3: The whole egg

I can't wait for this one. Ah.... to eat an egg again. To fry it, sunny side up, a little crispy on the edges, the yolk soft, the white cooked but not hard... Slice of toast buttered while still hot so the margarine melts into it...

Food porn.

Flavors of America - The sign says it all

Flavors of America - Snoopy at the Geyser

We stumbled on a Geyser somewhere in California. The fun find was that Charles Shulz had been there and signed the Guest Book like no-one but him could...

Quote Unquote - Drinking the Kool Aid

Fluffy Bear to me, after I defended one of my company's products:

"Do they give you your own straw for the Kool Aid?"

Divided by a Common Language - On-screen Cliches

 

Are they based on tradition, are they grounded in truth, or are they just examples of bad screenwriting?

Whatever they are, having grown up on US sitcoms and Hollywood movies, I tend to get tired of:

• The notion that a woman has dreamed of her wedding day since she was a kid


• The relationship break-up in a public place


• The nightmare family reunion over a public holiday


• The older, sassy, sexual grandmother/aunt (because we all know a woman daring to be sexual after 30 must be the object of hilarity)


• The fat friend - confidant,but never competition


• Making bridesmaids wear hideous dresses


• Losing your virginity at Prom

And in case you think I'm being anti-American, here are some British on-screen cliches you may recognize:

• Love accross class lines


• Gender-bending


• Keeping tight lipped when communication would solve all problems


• Misunderstandings and near-misses, farce


• Looking down on foreigners


• The English person who talks loudly and slowly at the non-English speaker

Are these things a hyperbole of who we really are?

I hope not...

Couch Potato - Crap DVD night

I think we starting a new tradition, Fluffy Bear, Bill and I.

It's Crap DVD Night.

It all started when we hired Quarantine and, the worse it got, the more snarky comments we made and the whole evening was hilarious.

Crap DVD night involves slobby clothes, take out and, of couse, alcohol.

Here are some reviews of our latest entertainment:

Beverley Hills Chiauau

Unadulterated crap, but fun.

All the cliches are there - a love story across class lines, a road trip, a rediscovery of roots and the rehabilitation of a cop that was kicked off the force. Just all with dogs.

Thank God they aren't alll Chiauaus. Even a film which tries to make the breed look adorable didn't make me want one.

There are German Sheperds, Muts and a beautiful Doberman which is unfairly classed as the villain.

At first we were taking the piss out of it mercilessly but, slowly, the comments stopped.

"Are we actually getting into this movie?" I asked the boys.
"I think we're just drunk enough to enjoy it," replied Bill.

I suggest you apply the same strategy.

Snow Dogs

An old film about a Miami dentist who has to go to tiny town in Alaska and - wait for it - rediscover his roots.

It's always fun watching a dog movie with Puppy Dog. In this one, when the dogs made noises on the TV he looked up, then growled, then ran behind the TV, barking, to try to find them!

It was heartwarming (a.k.a. cheesy) and family appropriate (i.e. no potty mouth, nothing beyond kissing) but so gloriously mindless.

Watching this movie needn't take alcohol, just a horrible week at work and the desire to numb the brain.

That's Life - You know you're...

You know you've had one too many of sweet, darling K's Killer Cosmopolitan Cocktails when:

• You chase your dog around the house blowing raspberries in his face
• You call your husband and leave a voicemail telling him to hurry home while the Horny Window is still open
• You feel it's very important to jump up and down 12 times in the kitchen
• You yell "You're boring!" at the BBC news
• You think someone calling Chicago "The Windy City" on the news is the funniest thing you've ever heard
• You take ten minutes to button up your PJ top

Time to hit the couch and minimize the damage...

Workplace Personalities - The Uppity Vendor

 

 

 

 

 

This is usually a vendor who is working on site, for a reasonable period of time, on a fixed project. They become part of the team - as they should be - and are involved in key meetings, project updates, etc.

But, somewhere along the line, they forget that they are a vendor and, rather than espousing the positive corporate values of "collaboration", "best practice", hell, even "mentoring", they choose to just come out and tell you how to do your job.

These little golden nugget unsolicited advice sessions can often be identified broken down into these phases...

Phase 1 - the Assertive Opener:

"I just wanted to synch with you on..."

"I think we should have a quick debrief on..."

"I'd like to share some feedback with you on..."

 

Phase 2 - The It's Not Just You - Honest - Reassurance:

"in my experience"

"look, I often make the same mistake"

"this is a common problem in all organizations"

"I'm not singling you out."

Phase 3 - The Qualifier:

"but..."

 

Phase 4 - The How To Suck Eggs Intro:

"you could try approaching it with..."

"I think we'd get more positive feedback if you..."

"Our team would have a higher profile if you..."

Phase 5 - The Annoying Advice

Actual content depends on the meeting that just took place, the project you're working on, etc.  But no matter what the content, it's condescending, tells you nothing you don't know already and is told to you with no assumption tha you would ever have a which underlies your approach.

Phase 6 - The Fake CYA:

"Of course, you know this organization better than me so..."

"I know you may have already thought about this..."

"Tell me if you disagree. We should be completely honest and open with each other..."

"I know I'm preaching to the choir here..."

 

Phase 7: Reiteration of The Annoying Advice

See Phase 5.

            

I have a friend - let's call her Sue - who has had to put up with this frequently.  She has invented a surefire way to stop these awkward little sessions happening in her working life.

She looks the vendor straight in the eye and says:

"So fire me."

Key Signs: 

• False modesty
• Condescending tone
• Placating phrases
• Overstepping

Catch Phrases: "Let's just blue sky this for a minute..."  

Your Strategy:   

• Smack 'em in the face with Sue's approach, above and/or...
• Give them seemingly important tasks which have no real bearing on the project 

Their comeuppance:  

Wait till contract renewal and explain to your boss that the vendor - with you having given them, for months, tasks that add no value, that engaging the vendor is not worth departmentmental budget 

For more Workplace Personalities, click here

You might like: 

• The Indy
• Parents Lil Princess

9 to 5 - CorpSpeak

This series is a continuation of my TLA post.

 

You know it, you love it, it's CorpSpeak.

"You have been given the gift of feedback"

 

9 to 5 - CorpSpeak again

This series is a continuation of my TLA post.

You know it, you love it, it's CorpSpeak.

"We have to warm the sea on the beach where we're playing before we can boil the ocean"

Hello from Puppy Dog - Vicious fly!

Hello Mama's friends!

Today I had to defend my den from a vicious fly!

It was in the kitchen buzzing around and being very dangerous!

I had to jump and turn quickly and run and sometimes do all three at the same time!

I was snapping my jaws and panting and working really hard to catch that little flying beastie!

Then I turned around and Dada was standing in the kitchen doorway laughing his head off and saying something about wishing he'd had a camera.

Why was he laughing? Defending the den is serious business!

Hairless Apes are soooo weird sometimes...

Lots of licks and woofs,

Puppy Dog

Work-Life Imbalance - Elevator madness

Last week I got into the elevator at the gym and looked for the scanner below the panel of buttons so I could swipe my pass and get electronic permission to push the button for my floor.

Work-life imbalance.