Divided by a Common Language - Eurovision 2
Saturday, April 25, 2009 at 10:42PM 
Montenegro – Just Get out of my Life
Genre: Bubblegum
Performer: Bubblehead brunette
Strange dissonance between the elegant dress of the singer and lack of backup dancers while singing a poppity-pop song. You can tell she’d rather be doing a Celine Dion.
The key to a pop song is that the tune is catchy, sticks in your head and the lyrics are good, but simple enough to instantly allow you to sing along. This one isn’t actually that bad. They’ll lose on presentation though.
Score: 8/10
Czech Republic – Aven Romale
Genre: Ethnic with pop overlay
Performer: Group with traditional instruments and… well, read on.
I had to rewind this video on YouTube and watch it again. The group starts surrounding the singer. Two violinists and two guitarists, all dressed in black. Between them you see bright orange peeking through, and, as they part, there is a billowing of fabric. I expected a tall, statuesque brunette in a tasteful cocktail dress.
But no.
It’s a strange little man in an orange jumpsuit with a cape who then gets all hip hop before returning to a gypsy beat. His disturbing tiny triangle goatee gives him the face of an arch-nemesis, while his badly fitting clothes deliver a superhero from the neck down. It’s all very, very strange.
Score: Irrelevant. Too fecking weird.
Belgium – Copycat
Genre: Elvis
Elvis impersonator lead singer, doo wop backing singers with big pink hair, a guy on a double bass and a guy on vintage style electric guitar. In the background, some adorable animation. Fun, cute, upbeat and well executed. I am not sure if the voting audience will go for a fifties vibe, but I love it.
Score: 10/10
Belarus – Eyes that Never Lie
Genre: Rock
At first I thought this was going to be boring. Another rock song with noisy electric guitar proving that there are a few kinds of music that Europe simply cannot do better than the good ole U S of A. And then the lead singer comes out.
Platinum hair, hot off the hairdresser’s straightening tong press, whiter than white suit, a mile of smile and acres of ego.
The sleeves of the jacket have some kind of strange long stiff cuffs so he looks like he has coffee filters on his wrists.
Oh, God – jacket unzipped at the front half way to his navel… ick.
Considering the tyranny of beauty standards to which women are held, I choose to discriminate equally and so I feel completely justified in telling you that the singer has a slightly fat arse. Why the hell is he wearing white?
You will notice I am not talking about the song at all. That’s because it’s still playing and I’ve already completely forgotten it.
Score: 2/10
Sweden – La Voix
Genre: Opera-pop. And yes, you’re right, there shouldn’t be such a thing.
What’s the name of that woman that sent a picture of herself naked to Sly Stallone and then married him? Well, whatever her name is, imagine her still young and with long stringy hair and you have the lead singer of this song.
Starting with a faux operatic warble, like you might find in a stage musical, the backing singers/dancers/eye candies part and there she is, in a strange black gown with feathers on her shoulders.
Oh God she’s gone back to warbling, only now over a bubblegum pop beat. It’s like a nightmare Hooked on Classics.
Let me tell you a secret darling, doing this kind of song doesn’t prove that you can do pop and opera – it just proves you’re crap at both.
Oh feck, I swear she just gargled.
Puppy dog is now barking in protest.
Verily, dear brethren, this sucks.
Score: NUL POINTS
Armenia – Jan Jan
Genre: Ethnic pop
Starts with warbling which, after the last abomination, is not a good sign. But then some kind of local instrument and a good beat. First woman singer is a OK, then in comes the other one saying they are a team. Is this a repeat of Russia’s little gay girls of a few years ago?
Oh, no. They are sisters.
This song has a chance. It has the same kind of gypsy/ethnic/pop vibe that often wins. Good beat, but I don’t think the chorus is in English which will negatively impact memorability.
Oh dear. The sisters appear to be riffing and yelling “Jump it up with a Jan Jan!”
Hard to tell how this will do.
Score: 7/10
Andorra – Get a Life
Genre:
Blonde with a messy hairstyle and short skirt holding a guitar. I am surprised she can keep her eyes open with all that black makeup.
Singing in a language other than English – that never helps you get votes.
This song sounds like something off an album by a singer from a girl band who has tried to break out on her own but her first single just isn’t good enough to stand out.
Yawn.
Score: 6/10
Switzerland – the Highest Heights
Genre: Boy band
The right slightly messy hair, leather jackets, every band member wearing something in black, lolloping around the stage like boys in band do… they sure do look the part.
But the song is boring.
Blah.
Score: 6/10
Turkey – Dum Tek Tek
Genre: EuroPop
This is perfection. This is what a Eurovision song should be – instantly catchy, a soupcon of the country it comes from (the title, an instrument warbling through the drums), fun, memorable lyrics that anyone could sing whether they are English speaking or not, sexy – but not slutty – singer.
Stunning
Score: 10/10
Israel – There must be another way
Genre: Easy listening
I’ve looked this up on Google and it seems that one singer, Noa, is a top Jewish recording artist, while Mira Awad is a Christian Arab singer and actress. The song is sung in English, Hebrew and Arabic.
This is the first time an Arab has represented Israel in the contest. Well, once they had had a transsexual, one could argue all doors were opened. However, at least Dana International was good. As much as I like the fact that a song with this title and these symbolic performers has got through for Israel, I doubt the world will see the message because it just isn’t good enough to get through to the final. Then again, it might get through purely as a political ploy so the message can get out there. We all know that peace between Israel and Palestine would make a large contribution to peace for us all.
The woman wrote the song. Genius women– getting on a major public stage with a message of peace.
On a lighter note, I have no idea who dressed these women but that person should be shot for the good of mankind.
Score (non-political): 6/10
Bulgaria – Illusion
Genre: Excrement
Fresh-faced boy singer who, inexplicably, is wearing chainmail. It’s like a bad, noisy Pet Shop Boys song. The various vocals don’t gel together, the lyrics are indiscernible, the tune is tedious, the boy singer keeps warbling like a castrato with only one ball cut off. Just, well, crap.
Score: 4/10
Iceland – Is it true?
Genre: Pop Ballad
Pretty blonde girl who sings well. A nice enough song, Cherryl Crow or Carly Simon style. Nice enough. Not fun though.
Score: 7/10
FYR Macedonia - Neshto Shto Ke Ostane
Genre: Rock
A few years ago a glam rock band dressed like Orks won. Since then at least a few countries try going this route. Jon Bon Jovi 80s hair, jeans, shirt untucked, waistcoat… you get the idea.
Not singing in English – a minus. Boring rock.
Score: 6/10
Europop crap with over-make-upped bimbosluts. Lyrics excerpt:
The Balkan girls, they like to party
Like nobody, like nobody
(the groovy light, we'll shine all night)
My hips are ready to glow
This record is so hot and I have so much to show
I'll find a boy for a kiss
Who knows, maybe he'll be my prince.
Score: 4/10
EE score: 74/100
Finland – Lose Control
White boys shouldn’t rap unless they are White Trash and especially not if they aren’t first language English speakers. The female singers were amateurish. Even having people behind them twirling fire batons couldn’t make this interesting. No catchy tune. Lame lyrics. Bad singers. Crap.
Score: 2/10
EE score: 48/100
Portugal: Todas as Ruas do Amor
A rather sturdy woman with strange bits of red stuff plaited into her hair with an acoustic band behind her sings a very boring song in Portugese. Clearly all you have to do to give this woman a great date is take her to MacDonalds, because she dances as if the song she is singing actually has a fun beat and melody. It obviously doesn’t take much to please her.
Score: 2/10
EE score: 54/100
Malta – What if we
A nice song which you might hear on a Broadway stage or as a background to a Disney animated movie. It even has the inspirational lyrics: “There will be a star, no matter how far, shining…” The woman who sings it is good, but the song is no fun at all. I keep waiting for a small, cute, fluffy, animated dog to appear, training in Kung Fu.
Score: 5/10
EE score: 32/100
Bosnia & Herzegovina – Bistra Voda
Pale little boy with bad hair dressed in a coat he stole from Adam Ant. Actually, the arrangement and melody of this song are growing on me. But, sadly, it’s like foreplay that doesn’t lead to climax and, eventually, gets less and less exciting. There seems to be a military motif which, considering the country’s recent history, may indicate that the song is steeped in meaning. However, as it isn’t sung in English, I’ll never know, and neither will the people who vote on the night.
Score: 6/10
EE score: 13/100
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