He Said She Said - Dreaming

 

"Good morning," he yawned, stretching.
"Hi Honey," she said. "How are you?"
"Still waking up," he mumbled.
"Did you sleep OK?"
"Hmmmm... I had weird dreams..."
"What about?"
"We were renovating this big house. Really big. And I was working for a newspaper and my office was in the attic."
"Sounds like it was all about creative projects. Did you recognize the house?"
"Um... No... I don't think so..."
"Was it the one two blocks down with the massive wraparound porch?"
"No."
"Was it the gray one that needs a lot of work but has a massive yard?"
"No."
"Was it the brick one on the way to the gym with the deck?"
"I don't think it was any house we know."
"Honey!" she chided, jerking him fully awake.
"What us the point of dreaming about any house that isn't one of the ones I want?"
"Very funny," he said, turning and walking to the kitchen. "I need coffee now."

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He Said She Said - Spiderman

"Aaaaargh!" she shrieked.
"What? WHAT?" he panicked, braking and looking around frantically.
"SPIDER! ON! LEG!"
"Whew!" he sighed, accelerating again. "Don't DO that when I'm driving!"
"Get on there..." she mumbled, teeth gritted, at the spider while she tried to steer it onto her work folder.
"Yes... Come on... OK... Now open the window... NO! Don't crawl back at me! Out! Out! OUT!". She flapped at the folder, takes it back into the window and started winding the window up.
"NO!"
"What? What now?"
"It's back in! It's in my sleeve!" she yelled, squirming frantically to pull her coat off.
"Oh, come on!" he spat, exasperated, slowing down again. "Do you want me to pull over?"
"No, I-- Wait. It's on my leg! Thank God!"
She reached for her folder and started the arachnid herding again. She balanced the folder and hit the window button. But, this time, she swept her hand back and forth on the leather and banged the folder hard on the door frame.
As she wound the window up again, they both breathed a sigh of relief.
"Little bugger!" she hissed. "In that second that he was out of the window, he stuck a silk thingy down and he held on while the wind buffeted him and then he swung himself back into the car!"
"Of course it did! Haven't you seen the Spiderman movie?"

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That's life - Antidepressants

 

Hello friends!

Today we are going to talk about... ANTIDEPRESSANTS!

Hands up everybody who's on antidepressants!

Aw, now, come on!  We all know there are more of you than that.  But I forgive those of you who can't be bothered to hold up your hand because it takes... so... much.... effort!

Antidepressants.

A better life through chemicals!

But, as well all know, chemicals aren't sweet, little, organic pods of happiness.  They come at a price.

No.  Not just the astro-frickin'-nomical price you pay because your pissant insurance won't cover anything except the generic that doesn't work for you.  I mean the ultimate price. 

[Insert Beatles here]

Rolll up!  Roll up for the side effects tour!  Roll up!  Roll up for the side effects tour!

Side effect no. 1

This is going to be common to many of you.  

What can it be? 

[Insert high pitched voice here]

Come here my lil fatty-fat-fat!  Who's ma fatty?  Who's ma fatty-fatty?  On my hip!  Yes!  My hip!  Goooooood fatty-fat-fat!  Gooooooood fatty!

Where's the next one?  Wherezit?  There you are!  Come here my lil blubba-wabba-wabba.  On ma tummy!  On my tummy!  Yes!

Let's all nestle together while I move from side to side and feel the new softness, circumference, flabbiness and general muffin topness of being so FAT.

Side effect no. 2

Wow, he's a good looking guy.  

You know, once upon a time I might've had sex with him.  

Sex.  

Wait.  I'm gonna have to think back...

What felt good?  Yeah, there was that.  Oh, and that.

But [insert sigh here] it takes so much energy.  Rolling around, trying to get buttons undone, zippers down.  They can never get your bra unhooked.

Sigh.  

Never mind...

I prefer to just look at him.  Like a painting.

Side effect no. 3

Back and forth, to and fro, the wind rushing through my hair... MOOD SWINGS.

 "Hi!  How can I help?"

[Bzzz bzzz bzzz - the teacher from Charlie Brown]

"Well sure!  I can do that!"

[Bzzz bzzz bzzz]

"OK, I'm on it!  Excuse me just one teeny tiny second - I gotta go to the restroom..."

[Footsteps, squeak of door opening and closing, click of restroom stall door being locked.]

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!  I HATE THESE PEOPLE!  THAT GUY IS SUCH AN ARSEHOLE!  IN THE TIME HE EXPLAINED THE TASK TO ME HE COULD.  HAVE.  DONE.  IT.  HIMSELF!  WHAT IS HIS FUCKING PROBLEM?"

Side effect no. 4

Waterworks.  Drizzle wizzle.  Blubbering.  Sniveling.

Call it what you will.  It happens.  All.  The.  Time.  

Omigod not that ASPCA ad.  Who could do that to a dog? WAAAAAAAAAH!

Quick!  Change channels!

The news... let's see what happened today.  Oh my God!  Another flood!  Oh that is so terrible!  Look at that house... those poor people! WAAAAAAH!

[Click!]

Aw look at that little baby!  I don't even like kids but look at how cute!  WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

[Click!]

Oh, thank God.  Spin City reruns.  Comedy...  But this reminds me of poor Michael J. Fox.  Parkinsons.  Such a terrible disease.  So unfair.  So talented.  WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Side effect no. 5

This one is a side effect for us but, sadly, mostly experienced by others.

Grumpiness.

Honey, are you a little grumpy?  I think you are... Your blood sugar might be a little low.  Have you eaten today?

You weren't hungry?  Well, Honey, you gotta eat.  

Here.  Have some dinner.  

What?  That's the serving, Honey.  56 grams of pasta.

Well I didn't cook any more.  

No, you can't have mine!  Honey!  Stop it!  Stop it!

OW!  OK!  I'll have the left over pad thai!

Ah, antidepressants.  

The pills we take to achieve balance, to be able to function, to find a modicum of calm, control and - dare I say it? - happiness in our lives.

But the journey to that place, my friends, is a winding, treacherous, Stephen-King-cornfield-dissecting road that is filled with speed bumps that shake your car so hard you think it's going to come apart.  Sometimes you're in a Ferrari, and sometimes you're on a unicycle with a flat tyre. 

Keep on truckin'.

To read more in this series, click here.