That's life - Antidepressants

 

Hello friends!

Today we are going to talk about... ANTIDEPRESSANTS!

Hands up everybody who's on antidepressants!

Aw, now, come on!  We all know there are more of you than that.  But I forgive those of you who can't be bothered to hold up your hand because it takes... so... much.... effort!

Antidepressants.

A better life through chemicals!

But, as well all know, chemicals aren't sweet, little, organic pods of happiness.  They come at a price.

No.  Not just the astro-frickin'-nomical price you pay because your pissant insurance won't cover anything except the generic that doesn't work for you.  I mean the ultimate price. 

[Insert Beatles here]

Rolll up!  Roll up for the side effects tour!  Roll up!  Roll up for the side effects tour!

Side effect no. 1

This is going to be common to many of you.  

What can it be? 

[Insert high pitched voice here]

Come here my lil fatty-fat-fat!  Who's ma fatty?  Who's ma fatty-fatty?  On my hip!  Yes!  My hip!  Goooooood fatty-fat-fat!  Gooooooood fatty!

Where's the next one?  Wherezit?  There you are!  Come here my lil blubba-wabba-wabba.  On ma tummy!  On my tummy!  Yes!

Let's all nestle together while I move from side to side and feel the new softness, circumference, flabbiness and general muffin topness of being so FAT.

Side effect no. 2

Wow, he's a good looking guy.  

You know, once upon a time I might've had sex with him.  

Sex.  

Wait.  I'm gonna have to think back...

What felt good?  Yeah, there was that.  Oh, and that.

But [insert sigh here] it takes so much energy.  Rolling around, trying to get buttons undone, zippers down.  They can never get your bra unhooked.

Sigh.  

Never mind...

I prefer to just look at him.  Like a painting.

Side effect no. 3

Back and forth, to and fro, the wind rushing through my hair... MOOD SWINGS.

 "Hi!  How can I help?"

[Bzzz bzzz bzzz - the teacher from Charlie Brown]

"Well sure!  I can do that!"

[Bzzz bzzz bzzz]

"OK, I'm on it!  Excuse me just one teeny tiny second - I gotta go to the restroom..."

[Footsteps, squeak of door opening and closing, click of restroom stall door being locked.]

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!  I HATE THESE PEOPLE!  THAT GUY IS SUCH AN ARSEHOLE!  IN THE TIME HE EXPLAINED THE TASK TO ME HE COULD.  HAVE.  DONE.  IT.  HIMSELF!  WHAT IS HIS FUCKING PROBLEM?"

Side effect no. 4

Waterworks.  Drizzle wizzle.  Blubbering.  Sniveling.

Call it what you will.  It happens.  All.  The.  Time.  

Omigod not that ASPCA ad.  Who could do that to a dog? WAAAAAAAAAH!

Quick!  Change channels!

The news... let's see what happened today.  Oh my God!  Another flood!  Oh that is so terrible!  Look at that house... those poor people! WAAAAAAH!

[Click!]

Aw look at that little baby!  I don't even like kids but look at how cute!  WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

[Click!]

Oh, thank God.  Spin City reruns.  Comedy...  But this reminds me of poor Michael J. Fox.  Parkinsons.  Such a terrible disease.  So unfair.  So talented.  WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Side effect no. 5

This one is a side effect for us but, sadly, mostly experienced by others.

Grumpiness.

Honey, are you a little grumpy?  I think you are... Your blood sugar might be a little low.  Have you eaten today?

You weren't hungry?  Well, Honey, you gotta eat.  

Here.  Have some dinner.  

What?  That's the serving, Honey.  56 grams of pasta.

Well I didn't cook any more.  

No, you can't have mine!  Honey!  Stop it!  Stop it!

OW!  OK!  I'll have the left over pad thai!

Ah, antidepressants.  

The pills we take to achieve balance, to be able to function, to find a modicum of calm, control and - dare I say it? - happiness in our lives.

But the journey to that place, my friends, is a winding, treacherous, Stephen-King-cornfield-dissecting road that is filled with speed bumps that shake your car so hard you think it's going to come apart.  Sometimes you're in a Ferrari, and sometimes you're on a unicycle with a flat tyre. 

Keep on truckin'.

To read more in this series, click here.