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Entries in Hell is other people (39)

Friday
May022014

Hell is other people - Airplane Arseholes

So the two women next to me on the plane are talking really loudly.

She went to her friend's wedding , you see, and her friend, like, seated her with her mother and asked if it would be OK because, you know, and she was like, Missy, it's YOUR wedding and my problems with my mother are my own and...

I said "Excuse me but I'm really having trouble not hearing your conversation and it's none of my business. Could you please lower your voice so I'm not snooping on your life?"

"Oh that's OK," she said.

Then they whispered something to each other (isn't it funny how they can manage to be quiet if they don't want me to hear something). Then they carried on talking as loud as before.

I'm considering telling them to write a thank you letter to Pfizer, because the Xanax I took just saved their bad mannered little lives.

Hell is other people.

If you want to read more vitriolic spewing postings like this, click the category Tag below.

Sunday
Jul282013

Hell is Other People - Yuppie Mummy Daddy Rules


Ten rules for yuppie parents

1) Pushing a perambulator bigger than a smart car makes you look like a dick. I don't care if you're head to toe in North Face and power jogging. Dick.

2) Human brains filter sound. Your child does not lose this ability in public. Lower your goddamn voice.

3) Interrupting an adult conversation mid sentence to turn your attention to your child means you could benefit from attending the puppy training class I went to. At 9 months, my dog understood patience and delayed gratification. Not for nothing, but if my dog grew up human, he'd be a WAY better lover than yours.

4) If you can't breast feed, get the fuck over it. Don't buy into a bullshit dogma that is set up to make you feel inadequate. Buy formula and stfu.

5) No, you don't know everything and no, your parenting experience is NOT unique. Older people's advice is free. Take it or don't, but listen with respect. Especially to your parents. I'd bet money that you were a pain in the ass to raise.

6) You are not special because you have a child. Nobody needs to get out of your way, you don't have to go first. You're not fucking disabled. Leave your stupid über pram outside the restaurant, quietly get a high chair and sit your ass down. And order what's ON the menu. Your child isn't special either.

7) Labor is incredibly intense and emotional. So is divorce, losing your job or the death of a loved one. Except none of those stories include gore. So keep it short and keep the horror movie elements out of it. It's gross.

8) Give your child a normal name, for fucks sake. It has to be defined by its name the rest of its life. Give the poor thing a break.

9) Enabling your child to make healthy attachments in life takes five things: Affection, Acceptance, Attention, Appreciation and Allowing. ALLOWING. Allow your child to experience. It doesn't have to be tethered to you at all times. The umbilical chord is cut for a reason.

10) If your child is your life, not only are you fucked, but you're fucking up your child. If you need codependency, get a dog.

Sunday
Aug122012

Hell is other people - Jingle Jangle

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After  a long hiatus due to an injury and laziness, I have started to return to the gym and, like many others, I’ve caught the Zumba bug. 

Let’s face it, once you’re over 40 you seldom get the opportunity to dance.  Clubbing days are over and, unless you go to a wedding, booty shaking is a thing of the past. 

And so, even if it’s a regulated routine with the same music every week, at least Zumba let’s me fool myself, on the odd occasion that I know the steps and can actually let go and feel what my body is doing, that I am dancing.

But, as with any class at a gym, I have to suffer the elites.  You know the people I mean. 

They start class by loudly greeting the instructor, as if they’ve known him their entire lives.  Then they lay claim to the part of the room in the front row, directly in line with the instructor.  And, of course, they know all the moves.

I don’t normally have a problem with these people, even if I do find them mildly annoying.  I just take my place in back row and try to keep up as much as I can.

But my Zumba class has one Elite who takes things too goddamn far.  She straps on one of those belly dancing scarves with the little jingly metal bits so that, through the WHOLE CLASS, you hear her ass tinkely-tinkling.

I mean, are you kidding me? 

Hell is other people.

   

To read more in this series, click the tag link below.

      

Wednesday
Jul252012

Hell is other people - Kiddie dinner

 
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
Overheard at a restaurant:  
 
Mother: "You want the mac 'n cheese?  You always have the mac 'n cheese!"
 
Kid: "No."
 
"How about fish 'n chips?"
 
"No."
 
"There's a kiddie burger.  You like burgers!"
 
"No."
 
"Ooh!  They have fried chicken!  Yum!"
 
"No."
 
"How about some fish tacos?"
 
"No."
 
"OK.  How about mac 'n cheese?"
 
"OK."
   
And this, dear friends, is why I am childless.
 
Hell is other little people.
  
   
 
To read more in this series, click the tag below.  
 

Tuesday
Jan032012

Hell is Other People - Bus Bitch

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
It's winter up here in the Northern hemisphere.  And winter here, unlike the idyllic home of my birth, means dark mornings and dark evenings.  This makes me crabby.  Very, very crabby.
 
Today was my first day back at work after a blissful week off where I rolled out of bed after 11am each day.  It was hard to go to work.  Puppy Girl kept pushing against my legs as I got dressed, jumping up to lick my face and making the very specific "Ngggarrrrr" noise that tells me she loves me.  It broke my heart to close the front door on her and Puppy Dog, looking up at me through the glass pane as I turned away.
 
And so, by 5:30, I was ready to go home.  More than ready.  Ever-bloody-ready.
 
The bus pulled up as I reached the bus stop - one of those gorgeous moments of serendipity.  I found a decent seat, and settled in to catch up on Facebook updates.
 
We were half way home when Bus Bitch joined us.  The bus was about to pull away from a stop when it jerked to a halt, throwing us all backwards in our seats.  
 
The driver opened the doors and, after the "Psssssht!" noise, I thought there must be something wrong with the door mechanism.  That is because all we could hear was "HUHNH! HUHNH! HUHNH! HUHNH!"
 
"Ma'am," yelled the bus driver, "you can't do that."
 
"HUHNH! HUHNH! HUHNH! HUHNH!"
 
"Ma'am, step back on the sidewalk."
 
"HUHNH! HUHNH! HUHNH! HUHNH!"
 
"Ma'am, you mustn't do that.  Stay on the sidewalk and wave at me.  I'll see you.  I'll wait for you.  Don't run into the street like that."
 
"HUHNH! HUHNH! I'm.  HUHNH! Sorry.  HUHNH!"
 
"Ma'am, it's very dangerous.  You gave me a start!"
 
"HUHNH! HUHNH! I'm sorry.  HUHNH! I was.  HUHNH!  Running so.  "HUHNH! HUHNH!  Hard for the. HUHNH! HUHNH!  No. 63 bus and.  "HUHNH! HUHNH! Just missed it.  HUHNH! HUHNH!"
 
"OK, Ma'am.  Get on."
 
"HUHNH! Thank.  HUHNH! HUHNH! You.  HUHNH!"
  
Now there's a part of me who sympathises with the bus driver and gets that public humiliation is one of the few weapons in his arsenal against a litigious public.   But, on the other hand, it's cold, it's dark, and I want to bloody well get home, thank you very much.  Move along, argue later.
 
Finally, the bus driver pulled away from the stop.  The wheezing continued, unabated.
 
I felt slightly better when someone behind me grumbled audibly about the delay caused by Bus Bitch.  I wasn't alone.
 
Now you might think, based on the exchange noted above, that I'm a bit mean to call her Bus Bitch.  
 
Wait.
 
It isn't over yet.
 
A few stops later, Bus Bitch got up to leave and, as she left, decided to take her revenge.  I don't particularly have an issue with someone who plays a bully bus driver at his own game, just do it while the bus is in motion, so you don't delay me.
 
But, no.
 
Bus Bitch stands half way down the steps of the bus exit.
 
"I'm really so sorry," she whined.  
 
"It's fine," the bus driver said.
 
"But I really want to thank you for educating me."
 
"Good night, Ma'am."
 
"No, really.  I appreciate it.  (Pause)  I do.  (Pause)  Thank.  You."
   
She paused again for effect, and then finally got off the bus.
 
I wish I could tell you that I am exaggerating that last bit.  But I'm not.  It really was that childish and Bus Bitch had now managed to delay us all, twice.  

 
Hell is other people.
For more in this series, click here.
 
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Thursday
Jul282011

Hell is Other People - Chocolate Teapot

 

 

 

 

 

 

There's an English saying: About as useful as a chocolate teapot.

I love that saying. Or similie. Or whatever it is. I love it not only because it is so descriptive, visual and humorous, but also because it involves the thought of melting chocolate.

Chocolate teapots abound in the corporate world, and I had a run in with one today. Well, I say "run in"... It was more like a passive aggressive IM and email exchange.

I am developing requirements for an interactive web survey. The questions need to branch so that, depending on your answer to question 1, you might get directed to question 2, or you might skip to question 3. I know you know the kind if thing I mean. This isn't rocket science.

But, as I designed the questions, things started to get more complicated. Could you skip from question 2 to question 5 or question 6 based on the combination of your answers to question 1 AND question 2?

Also, does taking a fork to the in the road mean you can never end up on the same street as someone who took a fork to the right in the road? Could you go down a path that gets you to question 13, but also down a different path that also needs you to answer question 13, or do there need to be two versions of question 13?

I IM a colleague for help. This is the person who supports the application we will be using, the person who'll be building the solution. He's busy, he says, can I email him my question and he'll get back to me tomorrow.

No problem, I say.

I then spend 20 minutes trying to craft my question in an email. As you can see from my warbling above, it's the kind of thing better discussed verbally than written down.

I get a reply today, cc'd to his manager and 2 of his team mates, which starts with a list of links including Wikipedia information on business process mapping, links to requirements guidance, etc. The body of his email explains to me why one should spend time in requirements and analysis and design on a project, and lists the documents he suggests I submit for his team to work on my survey website.

I should point out here that I have had 3 meetings with his team and that they have received process flows, user stories, project background and solution landscape.  They also have links to where all the documents ate stored on our SharePoint, so they can access up to date versions of all of them.

I had made it clear in my email that I was asking a specific question so I could put the survey questions in the right order. As anyone who has designed a survey will yell you, question order is key to a clear and effective user experience.

So basically it's as if you walked up to the cosmetics counter and asked if using both the exfoliant and mask in one week is too much for your sensitive skin, and the esthetician then lectures you on how diet and not smoking is important for a healthy complexion. And she talks really loudly so everyone around you in the store can hear her.

So I sent this guy the balloon joke:

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is lost.  He reduces height and spots a man down below.

He lowers the balloon further and shouts: 

"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" 

The man below says: "Yes! You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." 

"You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist. 

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?" 

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no bloody use to anyone." 

The man below says "You must work in business." 

"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" 

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where the hell you are, or where the hell you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault." 


He deserved it.

Hell is other people.

 

To read more in this series, click here.


Monday
Jul252011

Hell is other people - Tourist hater

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There's a tourist tour in Seattle called The Duck. It's an amphibious vehicle which rumbles around the sights of the city then splooshes ungainfully into the lake to give riders a view of treasures such as the houseboat from When Harry Met Sally.

The tour has a certain charm. Its schtick is to play loud music and have the drivers change from one ludicrous hat to another and tell silly jokes between spouting random facts about the surroundings. The Duck is an open vehicle so you can hear the drivers clearly as it rumbles by, encouraging their charges to look to the left or raise their arms as YMCA blares forth.

A few weeks ago I was downtown waiting for the bus when I heard the telltale baddoom baddoom of the Duck's music keeping time with a similar noise from it's engine. Then, right next to me, a teenage boy starts pulling zap signs at the tourists and yelling at them to fuck off out of his city. The tourists were looking over at him as if he was mildly insane.

 

"What are you doing?" I asked him.

"They should FUCK OFF!" he yelled, gesturing at them again.

"Why? They're tourists. They're guests in our city."

"I don't want them here! FUCK OFF!" he yelled again.

"They bring money and jobs to Seattle," I tried to explain. "You need to understand the interconnectedness of things."

"I have a job! I don't need them!"

"What about just having good manners?" I said, trying another tack. "They're our guests."

"I don't care! FUCK OFF!" he gestured at them again.

I gave up, in classic passive aggressive style:  "Well, we'll have to agree to disagree," I said, wishing the damn traffic lights would change so the Duck could get away from this vile child.

 

I was really annoyed and embarrassed and was considering shouting some kind of apology, on behalf of the city of Seattle, to the tourists.

But the vile child started yelling again.

And that's when an African American woman walked over, positioned herself between the vile child and his line of sight to the Duck and shut him up with "WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?"

It was classic.

The boy went slinking off. But he'll probably do it again another day, little shit that he is.

Because hell is other people.

 

 

To read more in this series, click here.

Sunday
May152011

Hell is Other People - Passive Aggressive Bitch

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am currently working with a new colleague who - and this is a euphemism - is a fucking stupid bollocking bitch.

She is so passive aggressive she needs to be medicated for it.

I was asked to lead a project because I have the skills and the experience to do it.

But she wanted to run it and they didn't ask her to because - shocker! - she does not have the skills and the experience.  

That's not to say she's dumb.  Trust me, she isn't.  She has skills that I don't have.  But she's very young.  She's two years out of college.  Just two years!  She just isn't at the stage where she can lead this thing.  Not yet.

But she doesn't seem to get it.

She thinks that she's the shit, that she can take this thing and run with it, and that I am in her way.

Ah, the arrogance of youth.

I knew she'd be a problem immediately.  I could feel it in the first meeting we had as a team.  So I decided to reach out to her, to get to know her a little, to bond.  

So I invited her to go out for coffee.  

I have never in my life - I am not exaggerating - had to spend so long eating so much shit and smiling so hard as I did it.

The San, a nomadic tribe from the Kalahari desert in South Africa, hunt with poison darts.  The sneak up to the buck, hiding in the long grass, till they get close enough.  Then, slowly and silenty, raise a little tube to their lips and blow.  The arrow hits the buck in the rump, and it thinks it's been stung.  Never mind.  Shrug it off.  But then they start to feel a little woozy and, before they know it, they're dead on the ground.

I felt like I was that prey.  Every now and then, in the middle of conversation about our previous jobs or whatever, she'd shoot a little poisonous dart at me.  

At first, I wondered if I was crazy.  She seemed to be prepared for us to get to know each other.  Her smile was a little cold but, still, did I just hear that right?

But they kept coming.

When we were discussing our education...

"You must get so irritated with people who haven't worked in different countries like you have..."

 

When I was describing a local political issue that I felt strongly about:

"You are like that in meetings! [Fake laugh].  You have such passion that we can't convince you!"

 

When she was telling me about her gap year helping a charity in South America and I expressed admiration, because she'd done something I'd always wanted to, but I hadn't had the guts to fly so far from home when I was fresh out of high school:

"Oh, come on!" she said.  "You have guts.  You're lying."

 

By the end of the half hour coffee, I needed a stiff drink.  It was 5pm and I immediately called my friend Barbara and met her for Happy Hour.

Even as I told Barbara what had happened, I was still debating with myself... was I being paranoid?

But the examples above are less than half of the poisonous things Lil Miss Passive Aggressive said to me.  I don't remember all of them, but I did keep count.  There were at least 7 of them.

Within a half hour period.

 

So, what to do?

Well, she clearly felt pushed aside by me, so I suggested that she would be the best person to manage a specific element of the project, giving her clear responsibility for this area, and making clear to her that this was because she had the expertise and knowledge of that element, and I did not.  And it wasn't a small thing.  This was a major chunk of the work we had to do.

Perhaps, I thought, making it clear what we each had to do would fix the problem.

Nope.

A few days later, we were in a meeting.  We were all discussing her part of the project.  I asked her if she'd like to go up to the whiteboard to lay out what we were all thinking. 

"No, no," Lil Miss Passive Aggressive said.  "You should.  You're leading the meeting!"

 

By this stage, I was starting to get pissed off.

But, again, I ate shit and smiled.  And smiled, and smiled, and smiled, all through the two hour meeting.  I made eye contact with her, I asked her opinion, I made sure that I dared not interrupt her when she spoke.

Perhaps... just maybe, I thought, it would be OK now.

Nope.

 

I created a document, I sent it to her for review.  The document was stored on a shared drive.  I basically told her to go into it and change it if she wanted to.

She emailed me a separate version of the document.  

Her email was cringeworthy.  It included:

"I hope you don't mind this feedback... :-)" 

"I know that I haven't created a [type of document] before, but I think that..."

"IMHO..."

 

Then, even though I'd sent her the document I'd created immediately, she created two documents and sent them directly to the project Sponsor, without having the courtsey to let me review them first.  

Remember, I'm the one leading this project.  Anything that goes to the Sponsor reflects on me.  And the stuff Lil Miss Passive Aggressive sent to her - a  very senior person in our department - wasn't ready to be sent to anyone.  

 

And it still goes on.  And on and on and on.  

If you have any ideas to help me deal with her, let me know.

In the meantime, all I can think is...

 

Hell is other people.

 

To read more in the Hell is Other People series, click here.

You might like:

 

 


Sunday
May082011

Hell is Other People - The Boss from Hell

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
My very good friend Barbara has a new boss.  And he's a Fuckwit.  
 
Think I'm being too harsh?  Read on...
 
1)  The Game
 
Fuckwit Boss decided that the IT Project Managers should be engaged in the company by having a game to play.  Keep in mind how far gaming has come.  Keep in mind the sophistication of the games we are all currently playing, even on our phones.
 
So this is what Fuckwit Boss does.  He gets excited, he jumps up in the meeting, he starts drawing on the whiteboard.
 
"Picture this!" he says, scribbling furiously.
  
"What we have is a Project Manager, and they have all these project tasks coming down at them from the sky, and they have to run and catch them so they score points to have a successful project!"
"AND!" he continues, his brainstorming genius cup overflowing... "They all have more than one project to run, so the tasks can be different shapes!  And different colors!" 
 
To her credit, Barbara said nothing.
 
Here's what I would have said:
 
"Would there be a soundtrack to this?  Perhaps a kinda bip-bip-bip noise?"
 
OR
 
"If the project manager doesn't catch a task, does it turn into a yellow circle with a little snapping mouth that chases him?"
 
OR
 
"Can the project manager jump to different levels?  Maybe, as well as tasks coming down, we have a scary monkey throwing obstacles down, and he has to jump over them, and maybe they aren't square like the tasks, but more barrel shaped?"
   
2)  Too Close for Comfort
 
Barabara and her team - including her boss - were at a conference.  These things are a lot of work and - if you've ever been to one - you'll know that, at some point, you have to let off steam.  
 
And so the whole team were at a dinner, followed by a party with dancing.
 
Barbara can get down with the best of them, and she and her colleagues are shaking their boot-tahys.
 
And then, out of the blue, Fuckwit Boss comes up to her, on the dancefloor, and hugs her... hugs her close.
 
Barbara is stunned.  Over his shoulder, she looks at her colleagues with, she told me, a mix of panic and revulsion.  None of them save her.
 
He stepped back - and this is kicker - says to her:
 
 "I hope that didn't make you uncomfortable.  I hope that was OK."
 
Barbara is a very intelligent woman.  I don't need to give you my opinion on this, because she put it perfectly.
 
"If a person who has touched a colleague has to ask that question," she said, "that's a clue that what you did IS NOT OK."
 
 
3)  No Respite
  
Barbara had minor surgery.  It wasn't anything life threatening, but it was surgery.  She woke up in the morning, and she really wasn't feeling well.
 
She works at one of those companies where they have all the latest technology, so you can log into your computer from home and get access to all your stuff.  If you work at pretty much any medium to large sized company, you can do that.
 
Also, there's this thing called the TE-LE-PHONE.  Even better than that, there's this amazing thing called THE CON-FER-ENCE PHONE.  So, guess what?  You can even take part in meetings from home.
 
So, at 6am, immediately after getting up, Barbara sent an email to her boss and her team to say wouldn't be in the office that day, but that she would be online and available on her cell phone.  
 
Let's face it, she should've taken a sick day.  A day when she could lie on the couch, watch crappy daytime TV, take painkillers and get paid by her firm to do it.  
 
But my dear friend suffers from a serious condition, one that endangers many of us in corporate America...
 
She has a strong work ethic.
 
She was managing a project that was vital to the company, and was at a critical stage.  She settled for a compromise - working from home.
 
Her boss is an ex-military man, so that will explain his reaction to her email.
 
"If you are not in the office by 10 am" he mailed back " I will consider you Absent Without Leave!"
 
I hereby choose not to comment on this.  You don't want to read a bunch of swearwords, and I think the response speaks for itself.
 
Hell is other people.
 
 
 
If you want to read about more people that I think epitomize a lifetime in hell, click here.
  
  
Wednesday
Mar022011

Hell is Other People - You total arse

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So I'm on the bus. 

Whatever.

I have my iPod in my ears, I'm being taken back to the heyday of my youth by Spandau Ballet, work is over, I'm on my way home to my Fluffy Bear and my adorable furkids.

Not only that, but my boss gave me a priority to work on yesterday, and I knocked it out of the park in by 4:30pm, and I am feeeeeeeling good (DUM, da-dum, da-dum, da-dum, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-DUM..)

Then this guy gets on the bus.

He's actually quite interesting looking.

He's got a Johnny Rotten look, dressed - of course! - from head to toe in black, leather jacket and boots, ultra-skinny jeans and earrings protruding from all sorts of places on his head.

He looks strangely IN place sitting next to the woman with bright red hair who has half of it in a chignon and the other half in a side mohawk fanning across the left side of her head.

It's all good.

The woman next to me is older, grey haired and knitting.

It's all very cosmopolitan and diverse.

We chug along, up the hill, down the dale... OK, not really.  I'm not even sure what a dale is.

Then we get to Johnny Rotten's stop.

And here's the thing with skinny, low waisted jeans, dear Reader, especially if the jacket or shirt you are wearing with them only comes down to your waist.  When you sit down, the jeans are so tight that they naturally pull down in back because, let's face it, you're bending your body and something's gotta give.  It's basic physics.

And so there's a simple rule:  When you stand up again, pull up your jeans in back.

But no.  Johnny Rotted doesn't do that.

We are all treated to the joyful sight of one and a half inches of his lilly white arse, and his disturbingly dark crack as he slowly progresses to the front of the bus.

Of course there is no one in the queue (line) behind him to obscure our view.

Of course Johnny is stuck behind other passengers who don't have commuter cards and so are taking time paying with cash (you pay when you get off the bus), trying to shove their crumpled notes into the automatic reader and dropping their coins into the little slot.

AND... of course it's like being in front of a train wreck.  As much as you want to, you can't look away.

Thoughts come, unbidden, into your head.

Bald heads.

Pale eggs.

White balloons.

You can't avoid it.  You can't forget it.  It's there, burned into your brain, like a song you hate.

I'd tell you which songs I really hate, but then they'd be in my head.

Just like that guy's ARSE.

 

Hell is other people.

 

This is a Coco Fesse a coconut only available from the island of the Seychelles.

Fesse is a slang name for arse.

 

If you want to read more in the Hell is Other People series, click the Tag below or the Category link on the left.

You might like :

 

 

 


Wednesday
Mar022011

Hell is Other People - Two-wheeled Bitch

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Yesterday, I was driving Fluffy Bear to a networking thingy.  I am on these three lane, one way streets that characterize our city.
 
I turned right from a one way street onto another one way street.
 
Let's call the first street Smith and the second street Jones.  Smith runs from West to East, one way.  Jones runs from South to North, one way.  I am at the traffic light on Smith, on the West side.
So I turn right from Smith onto Jones.  Because I would soon have to turn left, I started to change lanes onto the left side.
 
Then I heard someone yell HEY at me.  
 
I look in my rear view mirror and I see her.  A small woman on a bike, dressed in grey long shorts and a brown jacket.
 
I immediately move to the right, opened my window and yelled to her that I am sorry.  It was a genuine apology, I assure you I wasn't being rude.
 
I get to the next traffic light.  I stop.
 
Let me back-track a little.  Indulge me, dear Reader.
 
There was no cyclist behind me at the traffic light on Smith, also waiting to turn right.  I had turned from Smith to Jones at the start of the green light, which means there was no way she had come from traffic behind me at the traffic light on Jones... the lights for that road wouldn't have changed in time.
 
So you know where she came from, don't you?  
 
She had bloody well come down Smith street against the one way rules, and turned left onto Jones.  
 
Now let me side track a little.  
 
I don't hate all cyclists.  The people I hate are the ones who break the rules.  I have seen cyclists who wear the right stuff so they can be seen and who stop at traffic lights and who don't ride five feet from the sidewalk so that a car can't get past them.  It's the agressive ones I hate, who think they are allowed to make up their own rules of the road.
 
OK, let's go back to real time.  
 
So there we are, at the traffic light.  She comes up next to me, hits the roof of the car and starts yelling at me.  
 
OK, now I'm pissed.
 
I roll down my window and yell:  
 
I SAID I WAS SORRY!
 
 
Now, this is the best part.
 
She crosses in front of the car while the light is still red for us both, flips me off, rides across 4 (count them, FOUR) lanes to the other side of the street, makes a half-hearted attempt to look like she's riding on the pedestrian crossing, and RUNS A RED LIGHT to continue her journey. 
 
I fucking swear to God, if there handn't been cars on the lanes on my right, I would've accelerated like a banshee as soon as the lights turned green, crossed all four lanes like Jensen bloody Button and I would've pulled up a quarter of a block in front of her and I would've got out of the car and I would've run back to her and told her to get the motherfuck off her bike and listen to me while I told her that she was a total little bitchfuckwitarsewipe and that she fucking made the rules up for her own convenience and that cyclists like her were selfish and hypocritical and thought they were so bollocking better than the rest of us because of their hippy dippy bullshit about cycling rather than driving but that when you do whatever the fuck you want and don't follow the rules of a being on vechicle which you crapping well are and the two wheels are pretty clear indication of that then you shouldn't expect to fucking well being treated like a vehicle by us drivers and that not only do we not see see you wankers when you are riding on a rainy day and being too stupid to wear any flourescent stuff or an orange vest then, not only do I not see you but, when I see you pull a manoeuver like that, I FANTASIZE ABOUT HITTING YOU!
 
And then I'd walk away, get back in my car, put it in reverse, back it up reeeeeally fast to within 6 inches of her skinny arse, scare the living crap out of her and drive away.
 
But, of course, this is America, and the little bitch would probably be packing heat.
 
 
 
 
 
 
To read more in the Hell is Other People series, click the Tag link below or the Category link on the left.  
 

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Tuesday
Jan252011

Hell is Other People - Networking

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, it’s time for me to rant again.  Today, it’s about networking.

 

Do you know why there are so many courses, books and training opportunities around networking?

BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE STUPID AND DON’T KNOW HOW TO DO IT!

And when I say stupid, I don’t mean that these are dumb people.  No, these are highly skilled people, who have worked in a trade, have business acumen or a major artistic talent.  These are qualified people, who have excellent knowledge and are experts in their field.  These are high achieving people, who manage teams, command high fees and have climbed the ladder of success.

These are people who should know better.

 

And yet they have no idea how to treat other people well, have no idea that networking is mutually beneficial, and have no fucking manners.

 

Let’s start with treating people well. 

If you are introduced to someone through a connection, the first question to ask yourself is:  Do I trust and respect the person who made this introduction?  If the answer is yes, you are supposed to work on the assumption that the person making the introduction is doing so with positive intent, and would never introduce you to someone who was a loser or who would be a drain on your precious time. 

If you are making an introduction, the first question to ask yourself is: Do these people I am introducing both represent a good reflection of me?  This is because both of them will be thinking of you when they meet/talk, and be judging you by whether they think the introduction is worth their time.

I choose to treat people well. 

I choose to network strategically. 

If I make an introduction it is only because I trust both parties involved. 

What pisses me off is when I find out someone doesn't reciprocate.

You don’t trust me, and so you don’t trust the person I’m trying to connect you with.  And so you delay, or outright reject, the introduction.  That tells me that our relationship is not as strong as I thought it was.  And you know what else it tells me? 

It tells me I CAN’T TRUST YOU!

You are hereby officially demoted on my list of networking contacts.  You’ll never know that, and you may not care, but you can suck it, anyway.

 

Next, networking is mutually beneficial.

I can’t tell you the number of times I have made an introduction and one party thinks they are doing a huge favor to the other. 

Are you kidding me?  Who do you think you are? 

If an 80 year old can learn from a 2 year old (and, trust me, they can), you can friggin’ get something out of the meeting that I set you up on, otherwise I wouldn’t have set it up in the first place. 

And it’s up to YOU to make sure you get something out of it, even if it’s just the chance to express your opinions and advice, and therefore have the opportunity to think through what you hear yourself saying.

You may have read this post, about the smack down I got when I made an introduction recently.  The person punching me in the gut works for a well-respected national company.  She’s in a relatively senior position within one department.  She’s close to one executive, and this is the only really senior person she’s worked for.

The person I was introducing her to works for a global company that is a powerhouse in its field.  In a previous career, she worked for a politician.  She has since worked for 2 senior executives in this global, massive, powerhouse company that has penetration in every home in the Western world.

Yet person one rejected the opportunity to talk to person two, and person one absolutely believed that she was the Alpha in this meeting.

Are you out of your friggin MIND?  

You work for a smaller company.  You work for a smaller executive.  Your work is mostly internal.

She works for a massive company.  She works for an executive who manages millions and millions of dollars.  Her work is seen by vendors and partners from all over the world.

So who the FUCK died and made you Queen?  

 Unbelievable.

 

Last, but certainly not least, have some manners. 

I don’t care if you can shoot off an email these days rather than hand-write a thank you note.  I don't care if you can look at your phone screen, see who's calling and choose not to answer.  I don’t care if you can tolerate issuing evites and allowing people to forward them to their friends, who you have never met, and yet have to entertain, with no notice, in your home. 

Manners are fundamental to an effectively functioning society, and should not die.

If you tell me about something you need, and I then take the time to think through my contacts, choose someone for you and then make the connection, have the common decency to goddamn well follow up. 

When I see the person I’ve connected you with, and I thank him or her for responding to my request, and agreeing to meet with you, the one thing I do NOT want to hear is:

 

“Oh, he hasn’t got back to me yet.”

 

Are you completely unaware of how to behave within a working context? 

Are you really this unprofessional?

I will NEVER help you, EVER again.

 

Hell is other people. 

 

 

To read more in the Hell is Other People series, click the Tag link below or the Category link on the left.

 

Wednesday
Dec082010

Hell is other people - Scary hair

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I woke up in a really shitty mood today.  It doesn't matter why.  I just did.

So I wore all black, straightened my hair and put on very dark lipstick.  When I got to work, all I got was compliments.

 

"Did you get your hair cut?  It looks great!"  

"No, I just used my hair straighteners."

"It looks great!"

"Thanks."

 

"Wow, I really like your hair!"

"Thanks."

"You should do that more often!"

"It takes ages to do.  I could never do this every day."

"Well, it looks great!"

"Thanks."

 

"Hey, great hair!"

Sigh.

"You look cute!"

"LISTEN!  THIS IS MY FUCK OFF LOOK!  I'M SCOWLING!  I'M WEARING ALL BLACK!  MY LIPSTICK IS ALMOST BLACK!  WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?  CAN'T YOU TAKE A HINT?  LEAVE ME ALONE!!!"

 

OK, I didn't say that.  Not out loud.

But I did go back to my desk and eat a whole bar of dark chocolate.

Stupid fuckers.

 

 

To see more in the "Hell is other people" series, click the category link on the left.

 

 

Monday
Aug162010

Hell is other people - You are where you come from

 

 

Recently I have had a some very interesting conversations with people about ancestral origins.  My theory is that you are where you come from.  Where you originally come from.  

And yes, it all depends on how far back we trace our ancestry, but don't start with me, Pedants.  Use your common sense.  Where are your grandparents, great-grandparents and the generations just before them - who probably didn't move around much - from?

In that information lies explanations about diet, about which times of day you're most energetic in, about all those things you describe to other people in these terms: "that's just how I am, I guess."

It's not how you are.  It's who you are.

Fluffy Bear's ancestry is Irish.  Meat and potatoes is what he loves, is what his body thrives on.  He does well in cold temperatures - but not too cold.  He melts in temperatures over 36 degrees C.  

My ancestors come from a tropical island, where the races are French, Indian, Chinese and Creole.  There was no land to farm beef or lamb.  But the island was ringed with ocean, and there were sugar cane fields and rice paddies.  Give me a plate full of rice covered in spicy lentils and I'm happy.

A few months ago, a friend told me a story about a couple who adopted a child from Korea.  They were vegetarian and they brought him up with adequate protein - just of a vegetable variety.  But, as he got older, he got more and more unmanageable.  He got kicked out of kindergarten.  He threw temper tantrums.  Most frightening of all, he deliberately hurt a small animal.  They were worried they had a young Jeffrey Dahmer on their hands.  

They were told to give the child medication.  Being the vegetarian hippies they are, they researched alternatives (and quite right, too).  They found a nutritionist, who explained to them that to feed a child of Korean ancestry a vegetarian diet is anathema to his metabolic system.  His tradition is to eat meat and his ancestors have evolved to do so.  They way his body converted food to chemicals was different to how his parents' bodies did, and there was some kind of chemical that his body was not able to make without eating meat.  Because of eating the wrong diet, he was literally chemically imbalanced.  They changed his diet and he turned out just fine.

I was at happy hour a few weeks ago and told this story to a vegetarian.  He literally laughed in my face.

It was a very difficult moment for me.

I strongly believe in people's right to choose.  Abortion, gay marriage, poly-amorous relationships... you have the right to do what you want to do, as long as it does not hurt anything else with a fully developed brain. 

But we cannot deny who we are biologically.  

If you choose to be vegetarian, and it hinders your health - either physically or psychologically - you have to admit you were wrong and factor complex proteins back into your diet.  You can source them ethically these days.

And if you want to know who you are biologically, go back to your roots.

I grew up in South Africa.  My parents come from a sunny island.  I take 4,000 units of Vitamin D a day, I have consistently tested under the norm for two the last two years, because I now live in a grey, gloomy place.  If I didn't consider the prospect that I get SAD in winter, I'd be a complete fool.

I know the person who laughed at my hypothesis isn't a representative of all vegetarians.  Any named group - be it religious, racial, sexual-preference, diet-preference, political - hell, even a book club - has a diverse spectrum of people in it, even though they market themselves as a homogeneous entity.

But his attitude really pissed me off.

To not consider the fact that there could be people who are simply not suited, biologically, to his dietary life choice, was narrow minded.

Yes, my evidence was anecdotal at best, but counter my proposal, give me your hypothesis.  Don't laugh at me and pat me on the arm like I'm a two year old who just said that I am going to marry my daddy when I grow up. 

I could make a facetious comment about his being too mentally tired to debate due to protein deficiency, but I choose to rise above that.

Nevertheless, my theory still stands...

Hell is other people.

Sunday
Aug082010

Hell is Other People - Honking Wanker

 

 

 

 

Fluffy Bear and I have decided that there is something about us.  We have a magnet for lost dogs.

We were on our way to our local coffee shop today when we saw a dog, another Weimeraner, lolloping along a busy main street.

There was a guy walking by it and we asked him if it was his.  He said no, but he was on the phone with Animal Control.

I called the dog and it came towards me.  It had no collar, so I caught it but couldn't hold onto it.  As it came near Puppy Dog, it freaked out, so it pulled away, toppling me over.  I hit the road pretty hard on my knee.  I have a lovely bloody scrape now, reminiscent of when I was a tree-climbing, Hide-n-Seek playing child.

(Hello, Neosporin.)

I kept calling the dog but it ran across the road, in front of a Land Rover.  Thank God, the woman in it stopped in time, and saw what was going on.  She stopped, got out of her car and asked me if it was my dog.  I explained what was going on.  She got hold of the dog but, like me, was struggling to hang onto it.  I asked her if we could please put the dog in her car.  She said yes immediately.

So the guy who was on the phone to Animal Control, the woman in the Land Rover, myself and another couple who were walking dogs were all stopped, talking about what to do.  The Land Rover was still stopped in the middle of the street.  She had had to stop there to avoid hitting the dog in the first place.

I was explaining to the woman that, last weekend, we took a dog to the Animal Shelter and they scanned the chip and the dog was back with its owners in an hour.  I was trying to convince her to do this because she was talking about taking the dog to her vet and that made me think she was going to keep it overnight, today being Sunday.  

I didn't think this was a good idea, especially since she said she had two dogs.  The lost dog was already freaked out - we all agreed it probably ran away because it's Seafair today and the Blue Angels jets were zooming by, very loudly, overhead.  It didn't need to spend the night in a strange house, and its owners would have 24 hours of pain and worry.

So, anyway, we're all standing there trying to establish next steps.

And some moron comes along and honks at me because he has to overtake the Land Rover and I am standing a foot into the street on the other side, making his passage through a little narrower.

Now, here's the thing.  You're driving along a main suburban street.  It's a Sunday.  There is a car stopped in the middle of the road.  5 people are standing around, all clearly discussing something.

And you overtake, get mad, and HONK?

You're a fucking Arsehole of the First Degree, a Pillock of the First Class, a Dickhead of the Smelly Smeg!

I don't have to tell you, do I, that I yelled my head off at him.  If I hadn't been dealing with the hurt knee, I swear I would've run after him, hit his car, made him stop and gone Full Crazy Bitch on his ass.  Trust me, with an English accent, it can be very, very effective.

Damn!  Now I wish I had done that.

Ah, well.

The Land Rover lady connected with the guy on the phone to Animal Control and decided to go to to the Shelter.  So hopefully this will all end well.

Oh, and just by the way, the people that left their dog without a collar on, on Seafair afternoon, when there is a cloudy sky and the Blue Angels are obviously going to do their low flying show, are arseholes too.

Hell is other people.

 

Sunday
Jun272010

Hell is Other People - Lost Dog

 

 

The other day, Fluffy Bear was driving home and saw a Pointer on the street a few blocks from our house.  There was no one near the dog and it had no leash or collar.  

He stopped his car and managed to get the dog over to him.  He got it to agree to get into the back of the car, but had to lift it in.

He asked people who were around, but no one knew the dog or where it lived.  He went to a vet nearby, and they scanned the dog for a microchip.  Nothing.  The vet didn't know the dog - it wasn't one of their patients.

He tried another vet in our area, but they didn't know the dog either.

The first vet told Fluffy Bear that the dog was at least in his teens, and looked in bad shape.  His teeth were rotting, his belly was distended and his nails were very long.  

There is no difference in the value (companionship, love, etc.) for a purebred vs. a rescue or a mutt, but it did seem strange that what looked like a purebred - an expensive puppy to buy - would be in this condition.  

The vet and Fluffy Bear assumed that the Pointer may have been on the street for some time.  

Because the dog moved slowly, Fluffy Bear didn't want to take it into our house with our dogs.  Our manic chocolate nutjobs would possibly cause the dog injury by trying to play with him.  So he left him in the car with food, water and open windows.

Fluffy Bear contacted me and we agreed that, if we hadn't heard from anyone by 5pm, he would have to take the lab to the Animal Shelter.  

In the meantime, I got to work:

 

  • I put ads on Craigslist, Petfinder and a local blog using a photo that Fluffy Bear had emailed me
  • I emailed two specialized rescue groups in our State that deal with purebred Pointers
  • I emailed friends and colleagues
  • I put messages on my Twitter and Facebook

 

Because the vet believed the dog may have been on the street a while, I wanted to make sure that the dog got a new home.  But, at the same time, I wanted to be sure to set expectations.  The dog needed some care, and that would take money.  So I wrote a second post on the blog explaining the dog's condition, but I also said that he had been very placid, friendly and patient.  He would make a good pet, I said, for someone who could give him some TLC.

Sadly, by 5pm we hadn't got any replies, so Fluffy Bear took the dog to pound.

It was very, very hard for him to do that.  I want to make that crystal clear.  It was awful for him, and it was upsetting to me when he picked me up from work and we discussed it.  

The next day, I got a voicemail from a local family who had seen my blog post.  They had been to the Animal Shelter and got their dog back, and the lady wanted to say thank you.  I gave her number to Fluffy Bear, because he was the one who really went through this, and I wanted him to get the thanks from the family.  

When I got home later, the dog's owner came to our door with her two kids.

She was gracious, and gave us a gift, which was very considerate.

It was all a very happy ending until the kids started to do that precocious thing where they are obviously repeating what they had overheard their parents say.

"You took our dog to the pound!"  the little girl whined at Fluffy Bear.

"Noooooo, Hoooooney," her mother whined back at her, "we're here to say Thaaaank yoooou."

"You took our dog to the pooooooooound!" she whined again.

 

Her mother shushed her away and she finally got that she should shut up.

Then it was the boy's turn.

"What do you want to say?" his mother prodded him.

 

He wriggled that way little boys do when they are being naughty, and launched his little volley at us.

"Thank you but no thank you for taking our dog to the pound!" he snapped, impishly.

 

If you know me at all, you know I don't much care for children, so I considered the combination of the smile plastered on my face and the fact that I didn't reply as proof that I am capable, when duty calls, of being utterly heroic.

I don't blame the children.  Children, like puppies, are innocents.  It's the parents that are the problem.

And there was proof of my theory later on.

First I checked my email, and there it was.  A thank you message from the mother, which included not one, not two, but THREE photographs.  The first was of the dog, pictured in it's bed, presumably once it had got back home again.  The second and third were Christmas pictures of the whole family, including the dog, as proof that he was an integral, and beloved part of the family.

Not enough to clean his teeth and have his nails clipped, though, I thought, wryly.

The final straw was when I went to delete the various ads and online posts.  

Once I got to the local blog, it became clear to me that the father had taken offence to my description of the dog's condition in my second post, where I was trying to make sure any potential family knew what they were getting into.  

His reply to my post went on and on about how much the family loved the dog, and that, when they had been to the Shelter to pick him up, they had "felt like felons."  I guess the shelter questioned them about the dog's condition and lack of identification.  And rightly so.

Also, because Fluffy Bear had found the dog two blocks from their house, I guess he thought that we shouldn't have picked his dog up in the first place.

He had titled his reply:

Loving family's dog "rescued" from front yard is now home.

 

I'm starting to wish we had kept the dog.

This whole thing is proof - as if I needed any more of it - that hell is other people.

 

To see more in the series Hell is Other People, click here.


Friday
Apr092010

Hell is Other People - White Van Man

 

 

Yesterday, on the way home from gym, I was in the go-straight-ahead lane, minding my own business, listening to the BBC World Service.  On my left, in the left-turning-lane, was a white van.

The turning lane lights turned green, for him to turn left and for cars opposite him to turn to their left.

But the white van surged forward, lurched to the right and went straight ahead, narrowly missing a car on the other side of the road who was trying to turn.

My jaw dropped.

This arsehole had just almost caused a major accident, and done something so illegal it was mindboggling.

When the straight ahead lights turned green, I accelerated like a crazy person and, about half a mile down the road, I caught up with the van.  Once again, it was in the left turning lane and I was going straight ahead.

I should add there that, in England, where the narrow roads and cost of petrol (gas) make it difficult to drive ridiculously large 4X4 trucks, workmen drive white vans.  They are usually driving across London from one job to another, trying to make it through traffic as quickly as possible.  They tend to drive like maniacs.  Everyone hates them and tries to get the hell out of their way.

So you'll understand a little better, I hope, why my blood boiled at this idiot.

I hooted (sounded the horn) for about 45 seconds.

The van's white reverse (back up) lights came on, and it pulled up beside me.  The driver was a young man, baseball hat (there's a shock) and, next to him, a young woman.  

We were yelling at each other with the windows closed, but it didn't take a lipreading genius to see that he had yelled:

 

"What the FUCK is your problem?"

"You're going to kill someone!" I yelled back.

 

I started trying to gesture what I was saying, pointing at him and doing the sideways cut motion across my neck. 

I suddenly realized that he might think I was saying I was going to kill HIM, so I wound down the window.

We yelled more of the same thing at each other.  

I just kept repeating:

 

"You are going to KILL someone!"

 

Now the girlfriend got involved. 

 

"What did he do?" she screeched.

 

Being under 30, they of course have ADD, and probably didn't realize that I was referring to something he had done over 60 seconds ago.

The girlfriend was sitting there, unlit cigarette in one hand, lighter in the other.  She was pretty - in that hard, brittle way that strippers are.  She had blonde hair with a horrible orange hue - a cheap and nasty dye job.

Finally, she threw what she obviously thought was her killer barrage:

 

"You should stop eating, because you're FAT!"

 

I thought of a retort, but decided to take the high ground.  If I got personal, the driver wouldn't learn anything.

So I just kept repeating:  

 

"You are going to KILL SOMEONE!"

 

What I should have said, of course, is:

 

"I can diet.  You'll always be White Trash!"

 

But, let's face it, this is America, and people like that have guns.  

And so I wound up my window and, seeing the light had turned green, drove away.

Hell is other people.

 

For more Hell is Other People - click here. 

Monday
Dec282009

Hell is other people - Your children are revolting

 

 

The other day I was at the Video store with Fluffy Bear.

A father was in there with his two kids.

They were utterly revolting.  I'm not kidding.

He was trying to discipline them, but his tone of voice had all the authority of Deputy Dawg.

It sent something like this:

Annoying Girl:  "Dadeee!  He's kicking me!"

Awful Boy:  [Kick! Kick! Kick!]

Annoying Girl:  "OW!  Dadeee!"

Useless Father:  "Now Bil-leeee... Don't doooo that."

Annoying Girl:  "I want THIS one!"

Useless Father:  "No... We already have one you chose, Cindy."

Awful Boy: [Kick!  Kick!  Kick!]

Annoying Girl:  "Dadeeeee!"

Useless Father:  "Now, Billy, I saaaaid to stop thaaaaat."

Annoying Boy:  "I WANT MY SKITTLES!"

Useless Father:  "Well, you won't haaaave Skittles because you are being naaaaaughteeee."

Annoying Boy:  [Kick!  Kick!  Kick!]

Useless Father:  "Now you kiiiiids go out and wait in the caaaaa-har.  Go wait in the ca-haaaaaar."

 

I don't have to tell you - do I? - that the kids got their Skittles, and they didn't go out to the car.

As this went on - and it went on for over ten minutes - the rest of us in the video store started to catch each other's eye.  We were raising eyebrows, making faces at each other.  The atmosphere was very tense and I certainly couldn't concentrate on what movie to get.  We were all marking time, wishing they would just leave.

Finally, the Useless Father managed to pay for the DVDs and candy and he herded the revolting children out of the door.

There was an audible collective sigh of relief.

"Well, I would've been whooped if I behaved like that!" said one woman.

"Oh my GOD!  Thank God they're GONE!" said the video store guy.

"I would have been taken out of here with no DVDs and definitely no Skittles!" said Fluffy Bear.  "Not that I would've ever behaved that way in the first place!"

"Me neither," said a man in a baseball hat.  "Not if I wanted to live."

 

I was so tense by this time that I really felt I had to do something about this.

I went out of the store and up to the Useless Father.  He saw me coming and I swear he tried to get into his car faster.

 

"Hi," I said.  Then: "HELLO!" as he tried to ignore me.

"Hi," he mumbled.

"A friend of mine is a SuperNanny," I told him.  It's true, by they way.  "Her website is [URL deleted].com, if you're interested."

"No," he said, quickly.  "No thank you," and he closed his door with a bang.

 

I went back into the video store and told them all what I'd done.

Someone cheered, and suddenly video store guy found a copy of a film we'd been looking for, which someone else (that it had been reserved for) hadn't collected.

I really think we all need to speak up when we encounter badly brought up kids negatively impacting our lives in public.  After all, when we're retired, these revolting little fuckers will be running the country.

I don't blame the kids.  Kids are kids.  They'll push the boundaries if you let them, just like any small animal.  

It's the parents who are the failure.  A mother dog growls at her puppy and shakes it by the scruff of it's neck to teach it what it should and shouldn't do.  Human parents have the same obligation.

Hell is other people.

 

Tuesday
Oct202009

Hell is other people - I'm tired. Stop talking!

 

So we finally get off the tiny-seated, no-food, completely full plane, we walk through the airport, we stand in the cold waiting for the bus to take us to the long term car park, the bus finally comes, we get on, we remain patient while the bus stops for 4 other sets of people.

Finally, we are on our way to the car park.  We have 20 minutes to get to doggy day care to get our older boy.  The clock is ticking.

We are tired, we are hungry, we are impatient.

"How's everyone this evening, folks?" yells the driver.

Grateful there are other people on the bus, we let them answer.  The English don't tend to engage in loud conversation with strangers.

"I gotta tell you a story!" he yells.

Oh, fuck.  Here we go.

"So I'm driving the bus the other day, and this guy gets on with his wife and his teenage son.  Like I said to all of you when you got on, I said to him: 'May I have your yellow ticket, Sir?'  Well, he's diggin' in his pockets and he can't find his ticket. 

"Then he says to me: 'I remember it, though, it's BILL.'  Bill?  Bill?  I don't know what he's talking about. 

"So finally he finds his ticket and he hands it to me.  It's for parking spot B one-eleven!

"I say: 'That's for parking spot B one-eleven!'

"And now his teenage son is cracking up.  The dad is so embarrassed but his son is laughing and laughing.  And then his son says to me: 'You know what his job is?'

"I say: 'What's his job?'

"The boy says: 'He's a teacher!' "

A few polite laughs from the passengers.  Fluffe Bear and I aren't playing.  We stay stoically silent. 

Fluffy Bear opens up the notepad on his iPhone and types something.  He shows it to me.  It says:  Kill me.

"Wait!  It gets better!" the driver yells, clearly having missed his calling as a salesman on QVC shopping channel.

"The son says: 'Ask him what he teaches!'

"I say: 'What do you teach, Sir?'

"He says: 'Spelling!' "

A few people on the bus laugh.  Only the woman sitting at the front seems genuinely amused.  Or maybe she always laughs like a manic banshee, who knows?

Fluffy Bear taps his iPhone again, turning the screen to show me.  Added to the previous message are three words:  Kill me now.

"Yeah," continues the driver, causing Fluffy Bear to slump in defeat (he'd obviously thought the seated-stand-up routine was over), "people do lots of embarrassing things on my bus!

"One time I picked up this really big guy.  He was about 6 foot 6 and really - uh - sturdy. 

"So he gets on the bus and he can't find his ticket.  And he's standing at the front of the bus, fishing in his pockets and he says: 'I guess I have something in my pocket that you want, right?'

Real laughter this time.  Good old sexual innuendo, never lets an amateur comic down.

"So, as you know me by now, I never let a joke go.  So I lean on the pole right here and I say: 'But, Sir, we just met!"

OK, if I was less tired, and had more time on my hands, that would be funny, I guess.

But I'm not and I don't so I'm staring out the window, willing the car park to appear around the next corner.

And it does.

Thank God.

I know I'm a bitch but, still, hell is other people.

 

Saturday
Oct172009

Hell is other people - Jane Joyce

James Joyce has been re-incarnated.  As a woman.  
 
And he isn't allowed to be a writer this lifetime, so he's decided to just live his stream of consciousness expression through cacophonous verbalization.
 
No, I'm not crazy.  This is just the only explanation I can think of for the woman two rows back on the plane yesterday who had a loud, nasaly voice and did not shut the fuck up for two and a half hours.
 
Example of her stream of consciousness monologue (and yes, it was a monologue, because the poor woman sitting next to her couldn't get a word in edgewise):
Yes, I have three kids.  My first is 13 and is finding where she fits in at school.  You know how that is.  My second is doing fine, far as I can tell.  My third is kinda stressy.  You know, the youngest, not the strongest.  He is also the only boy, so it's hard.  We try to help him and make sure he has man time with his daddy but it's hard because my husband works so hard and I'm the one home all day and so he is surrounded by three females and oh, we had such a sad time last year when our dog died.  We had her for 13 years.  We were at the vet and I was just crying and crying.  So silly I know but I just remembered all the great times we had together you know?  She would play with the kids and jump up on the bed and I remember her chewing my shoes when she was a puppy and she used to swim in the lake with the kids and she really looked after my youngest when he wanted to just be boisterous and go outside and play.  But he can also play with our little rabbit.  Yes, we have a bunny.  He's the cutest little thing.  Brown and soft and cuddly.  Our neighbor has one of those rabbits that are white with red eyes.  I don't like those, they're creepy.  Mostly it just stays in the garden and the mud room but my second daughter likes to take it up to her room and I told her, I said, just be careful of all those wires up there, honey.  And of course with us and the neighbor having rabbits we have to be so careful with our fences because just the tiniest hole and they'll get out...
 
Hell, my friends.
 
Hell is other people.