Hell is Other People - Yuppie Mummy Daddy Rules

Ten rules for yuppie parents

1) Pushing a perambulator bigger than a smart car makes you look like a dick. I don't care if you're head to toe in North Face and power jogging. Dick.

2) Human brains filter sound. Your child does not lose this ability in public. Lower your goddamn voice.

3) Interrupting an adult conversation mid sentence to turn your attention to your child means you could benefit from attending the puppy training class I went to. At 9 months, my dog understood patience and delayed gratification. Not for nothing, but if my dog grew up human, he'd be a WAY better lover than yours.

4) If you can't breast feed, get the fuck over it. Don't buy into a bullshit dogma that is set up to make you feel inadequate. Buy formula and stfu.

5) No, you don't know everything and no, your parenting experience is NOT unique. Older people's advice is free. Take it or don't, but listen with respect. Especially to your parents. I'd bet money that you were a pain in the ass to raise.

6) You are not special because you have a child. Nobody needs to get out of your way, you don't have to go first. You're not fucking disabled. Leave your stupid über pram outside the restaurant, quietly get a high chair and sit your ass down. And order what's ON the menu. Your child isn't special either.

7) Labor is incredibly intense and emotional. So is divorce, losing your job or the death of a loved one. Except none of those stories include gore. So keep it short and keep the horror movie elements out of it. It's gross.

8) Give your child a normal name, for fucks sake. It has to be defined by its name the rest of its life. Give the poor thing a break.

9) Enabling your child to make healthy attachments in life takes five things: Affection, Acceptance, Attention, Appreciation and Allowing. ALLOWING. Allow your child to experience. It doesn't have to be tethered to you at all times. The umbilical chord is cut for a reason.

10) If your child is your life, not only are you fucked, but you're fucking up your child. If you need codependency, get a dog.