Hello From Puppy Dog - Green sweater lady

Hello Mama's friends!

The other day, a Green Sweater Lady came to our house. She seemed nice and I smelled lots of dogs on her. She's part of a big pack - I picked up two chiauaus, a cattle dog and a golden retriever. So I decided I could trust her.

She knelt down next to my bed and started petting me while she was chatting to Mama. I was a bit shaky and nervous so I started licking her to make sure that she knew I was her friend. I'm very clever that way...

Green Sweater Lady started rubbing me and it felt a bit funny. It wasn't like normal petting. She found the place I hurt on my right leg and I jumped and growled at her.

But she was nice and made sweet noises so I went back to sit with her. She kept stroking me quite hard and Mama seemed fine with it so I decided to submit and I lay on my back.

Then I started to realize that it felt quite nice and I got a bit tired and kept yawning. The Green Sweater Lady rubbed my leg and it actually felt better.

Then, just when I was really enjoying it, the Green Sweater Lady went away.

I've asked Mama for her to come back but she said something about me being the most spoilt dog in the world and I don't know if I'll see the Green Sweater Lady again...

Lots of love and woofs,

Puppy Dog

Quote Unquote - Dowry

Dinner party conversation (clearly post-alcohol consumption).

Person I don't know but want to meet:

"I don't get this foreskin thing. I keep finding things down there. Bits of string... buttons..."

Bill:

"Bitch, that's your dowry!"

Work-Life Imbalance - Stakeholders

Ever picked up the phone at home and dialled 9 for an outside line? Your work life has crept into your subconscious and you have a work-life imbalance. For more posts on examples, click on the Work Life Imbalance Category.

This somewhat frightening quote was contributed by the inimitable Bill.

"You know it's getting bad when you refer to your parents as stakeholders."

Work-Life Imbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalaaaaaaaaaaaaance.

Workplace Personalities - The Indy

How this person manages to get their work done is a mystery.

  

How they don't get themselves killed is also a mystery.

  

Because this is the person who comes into work on a Monday morning with stories of exploits, adventures and shenanigans which make you feel exhausted just listening to them.

  

They don't just stand in the crowds at the airshow - they fly in it.

  

They don't just go and see the pyramids - they do it on horseback.

  

They don't just go fishing - they fly their own plane and land on a sandback by the river.

  

Talking to this person is always fascinating and, if you are of the Couch Potato persuasion, you can experience a soupcon of life on the edge by living vicariously through them.

  

No SUV, no kids, no negative equity McMansion.

  

Nope.

  

This person is young and fit and brave. And when they're finished telling you about what they did last night, you can always ask about their previous life.

  

They once worked security and played bodyguard to Madonna.

  

They once played lead in a production of Phantom of the Opera.

  

They once flew a sick kid to his chemo appointment and, although it isn't strictly in the manual, flew him upside down for kicks.

  

Everything I have written here, believe it or not, is about one person I used to work with. 

 

I am waiting for the day that he actually does eat monkey brains.

 

 

Key signs:

• Constant international travel to dangerous locations
• A large stash of hard core survival travel gear
• Owns a plane or boat or jetski or other hardcore sports machine

 

Catch Phrases:

• I had to land my plane with no instruments last night
• When I was riding the horse to the pyramids... 

 

Your Strategy: Take them for coffee, sit back, listen and enjoy.

 

 

Their comeuppance:  Comeuppance?  Don't make me laugh!  Indy would kick the living shit out of anyone who attempted to deliver a comeuppance!

  

 

For more Workplace Personalities, click here 

 

You might like:

• The Ninja
• The Curmudgeon

 

Work-Life Imbalance - Sunday sick day

Ever picked up the phone at home and dialled 9 for an outside line? Your work life has crept into your subconscious and you have a work-life imbalance. For more posts on examples, click on the Work Life Imbalance Category.

I didn't feel well yesterday.

I ate some really White Trash Chow on Saturday followed Upper Middle Class Fodder that I am sure was cooked with some nice things - like full fat butter and cream. And so I wasn't hungover, I was... what shall we call it?

• Indulgedover?


• Fatovered?


• Eatovered?

Anyway, I pretty much lay on the couch all day watching movies and feeling sorry for myself.

And here's the kicker.

I kept feeling that guilty feeling you get when you take a sick day from work. I kept getting this little voice in my head that asked:

"Are you really sick enough to be spending the day on the
couch? Shouldn't you be trying to at least do some small work task?"

And I kept having to remind myself:

It's SUNday you fool!

Work-life imbalance.

9 to 5 - CorpSpeak again

This series is a continuation of my TLA post.

You know it, you love it, it's CorpSpeak.

This series records CorpSpeak I have overheard or, worse still, actually had someone say to me.

"We decided to hold a bakesale between the vendors."

 

   

Stuff Female People Like - No. 10: Fashion Magazines

This series is based on the blog/book Stuff White People Like.

10. Fashion Magazines

Female People like fashion magazines. Often, Male People aren't sure why their homes end up littered with pages torn from these glossy publications.

What is it about the fashion magazine that attracts the female person?

1. Pretty, shiny things

Fashion magazines to Female People are like car magazines to Male People - aspirational. They are packed full of articles, editorials and adverts which show stunning clothes, jewellery, shoes handbags - things the Female Person covets but cannot always have. Just looking at them, imagining being thin and rich enough to own them, is fun.

2. Fashion guidance

The fashion world is as unpredictable as the stock market. Wedge shoes which are triple A rated this season are a poisonous asset the next. Choosing what's hot and what's not is hard enough for the experts, let alone man on the street.

The Female Person needs help navigating these turbulent waters and finds the map she needs in the fashion magazine. Twenty minutes spent thumbing through the pages will explain she should buy those pumps in blue, not purple, that she can dust off her old red mary janes and that her wedges need to be put in their box and buried in the back of the closet until the inevitable circle of fashion life is complete and they come into vogue again.

3. A quick and easy escape, available when you need it

A magazine is not a book.

A fashion magazine is the sum of various parts which can be digested in bite-size chunks. Even reading the whole thing cover to cover doesn't take that long. Reading a magazine doesn't take commitment or carve a hunk out of a busy day. Reading a fashion magazine is like buying take out instead of cooking - quick and easy.

A fashion magazine is a convenient mini-escape that you can come back to again and again (especially if you leave it next to the toilet) without having to remember where you were.

A fashion magazine is always fresh. It has the same look, the same names for sections, the same approach, but there's a new issue on a weekly or monthly basis! Like fashion itself, it's never static or boring.

4. A wonderful world
Fashion magazines are carefully crafted to be things of beauty. Famous photographers apply their art in both the fashion shoots and the ads that intersperse them. Every person pictured in the fashion magazine is thin, has a geometrically proportioned face and has great hair. Between the covers of the magazine, it really is an amazing universe.

And so never mind how many of the fashion magazine's polished pages end up in recycling, for they've given a Female Person somewhere a little mental moment in a parallel world where everything is ordered perfection, before she looks up from the loo and realizes there's dust on the rim of the bath and she has to do another bloody microclean...

Stuff Female People Like - No. 9: Prequalifying Men

This series is inspired by the blog/book Stuff White People Like.

This entry is inspired by Healing Hands, a wonderful Massage Therapist who takes away my aches and pains.

9. Prequalifying Men

Single Female People have "A List". They don't tell the Single Male People they're dating, but they definitely talk it over with their other Female People friends.

The list can be anywhere on a scale from Kidding Around, through Vague Guideline With Room For Compromise, through to Ridiculously Rigid Requirments which will ensure the Single Female Person stays Single.

Items on the list are, of course, customized by each Single Female Person but there are shared criteria agreed upon with friends - usually in boozy bar brainstorming sessions. This might explain why some lists contain elements which may be a little bit unrealistic.

I have consulted various Single Female People I know, and here are some examples of items which are on their lists (please feel free to add your own in Comments on this post):

• A bathroom that is woman-friendly (i.e. clean)


• An annual income that puts him in the top tax bracket


• A house of his own


• A house of his own which is a WISE investment


• Living alone (i.e. no roommates, family, lodgers)


• A university degree


• Evidence that he is good with children


• Doesn't look at the bill at the end of the dinner - he just puts the card down


• Doesn't say cheesy things during sex like "Just be here - now..."


• Doesn't cry after sex


• Doesn't talk about ex-wife


• No kids from previous marriages


• Not prettier than me


• Knows how to put up shelves, BBQ, wire a plug, change a lightbulb


• Owns more than 20 books


• Doesn't pay for the extra special sports cable package


• No-one knows his name at his local bar


• No bible next to his bed


• Doesn't argue about the damn condom


• Likes dogs/cats/whatever pet the Female Person has as her pet


• Makes me laugh


• Can dance


• Doesn't burp or fart in front of me till we have had sex at least 10 times


• Goes down without being asked


• Doesn't push my shoulders to force me down there


• Doesn't call his mother more than once a week


• Doesn't shop at Walmart for clothes


• Keeps his porn well hidden


• Can cook


• Has a plant in his house that isn't dead


• Has more than 5 inches


• Smells good


• etc. etc. etc.

Quote Unquote - Cream

"We don't want cream on top of manure. We want cream on
top of apple pie."

Trainer in online Project Management workshop.

Health is Wealth - More Silent Evil

Finally!

A work out where I didn't feel like my muscles were made of a combination of pain and jello!

I felt good today! I still sweated and panted and made the odd "Oooooof!" but, in general, I felt OK.

And it was surprising because I very inadvisedly went to a Striptease Dance Class last night.

Like all dance class instructors, ours - let's call her Sexy Lady - demonstrated moves only once or twice, then ran through them with us at a reasonable pace another two times and then put on music with a beat so fast we had to stumble through the steps without feeling the fun of the dance.

Eventually, I think Sexy Lady got the hint that we weren't keeping up and put on songs with a slower BPM and we were able to bump and grind like supersluts.

I learnt fun things like the Kitty Kat - stand with one foot in front of the other, hip distance apart, straight legs and walk your hands down your front leg, bending over as you do, butt out like a watermelon on sale.

Lots of sexy squats, rolling the hips in circles, rolling your back and sticking "the girls" out, as Sexy Lady called them.

I woke up this morning with an aching arse and throbbing thighs. My knees were both scraped from crawling along the floor - good morning Neosporin cream!

So, you understand when I say that I really expected not to survive training tonight. In the car on the way home, I had a solo little brainstorm session of excuses I could use to make Fluffy Bear go on his own.

And then I had a great workout!

How fracked up is that?

I might - might - have actually enjoyed it.

Once we got to the mats at the end, Fluffy Bear was telling Silent Evil about how I was crying in pain after the class last night. When he picked me up, I made little whimpering noises when I got into the car.

"Was it a hard class, Honey?" he asked.

"Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!"

"Those girls seem to be OK," he said, pointing to two pretty young things who were in the class with me emerging from the gym.

"Frack them!"

"Look, Honey," he pointed, "they're jogging home!"

"Run them over! Run them over!"

Silent Evil smiled softly as we told her this story. She looked at me while Fluffy Bear's head was turned while he was stretching.

"You know what we call girls like that?" she asked.

"No, what?"

"Dirty Bitches!"

She's Evil, but it's my kinda evil.....

Stuff Female People Like - No. 8: Pretending to be a Slut

This series is inspired by the blog/book Stuff White People Like.

8. Pretending to be a Slut

Female People don't want to be sluts. It's messy, dangerous and has psychological and physical consequences.

But Female People like to play at being sluts.

The Lingerie Stash

Female People often have substantial lingerie stashes, hidden away in a drawer somewhere, in a suitcase in the attic, in one of their shoeboxes - a big one, from when they bought a pair of boots.

The Female Person may wear the silky stuff under conservative workwear. Or, she may never wear them - that's not the point.

Buying the lingerie is a ceremony of potential. The potential to unleash her Inner Slut.

Sex Toy Parties

The naughty version of a Tupperware party, these events are ribald and hilarious and restricted to Female People only. Pearl strings, little weighted balls, vibrating fake phalluses presented by the party hostess all deliver tillitation and peals of laughter.

Again, the item purchased may or may not be used. Again, it's about the potential to unleash her Inner Slut.

Stripper or Pole Dancing Classes

Jiggling her jugs, wriggling her hips and shaking her booty, the Female Person indulges in an hour of fun and fantasy which has an added bonus of being healthy for her.

Spouses may get a rendition of what's learned in class if they dutifully take out the trash and change that blown lightbulb.
Or perhaps no-one will ever see the fruits of her sweaty labors. Say it with me now... it's about the potential to unleash the Inner Slut.

The key is the fantasy. The possibility of letting loose, indulging, living with total abandon. To let go of Mother, Executive, Friend, Sister, Daughter, Role Model, Confidant and just unleash her Tigress sexuality for all to see.

Hell is other people - Get outta my personal space

Want the button pictured? Get in here.

So you get to the dance class last.

You're late.

We're all in there, standing in nice rows. There's a space at the front (there always is).

So why do you make your own special row by standing in front of me?

And why do you do your dance moves in such a way that you slowly shove me further and further back and to the side until, eventually, when I do the sequence of two steps to the left I end up hitting the Spin bikes?

Why?

Are you a moron?

Are you pathalogically selfish?

Are you devoid of periferal vision?

Are you completely oblivious to anyone around you?

And, just by the way, you dance like an elephant on acid.

Hell is other people.

That's Life - Temporary IQ Lapse

A few years ago, in a land far away, we had an early version of an On-Demand movie system. The films started at certain times, like an hour apart.

I went in and pressed all the buttons to get Donnie Darko, entered our pin and hit the button for the movie.
Except I chose one that had already started.

So we saw Donnie Darko from half way through.

Temporary IQ Lapse.

Fluffy Bear was very patient and understanding about my mistake - probably because I tore a hole in the fabric of space and time screaming my frustration after I called the cable company and they politely told me to shove it.

I thought of this because I heard the sequel is coming out.

I guess I have to go to the video store and find the first one on DVD.

Being a Doggy Mama - Dog is love

I guess having a dog is kindov like having a kid. You relate to other people who also have them, and automatically trade stories.

I had a massage the other day and started by asking the therapist to concentrate on my neck because Puppy Dog had pulled me over a few weeks ago.

So she asked what dog we have and told me that she and her husband had a Golden Retriever Puppy. She already had a lot of naughty puppy stories.

Never mind the housetraining - the little critter had found a box of surgical gloves - I have no idea why they have those at their house - took them out through the doggie door and spread them all over the yard. She said it looked like little beige alien corpses after a civil war.

He'd also got up onto the kitchen counters and carpeted the whole house with paper napkins.

Maybe they helped out with the housetraining accidents...

Ah, Dog is love.

Dog will be dogs - What's in a name?

I can't find it online, but I once saw a Gary Larson cartoon about the names we give dogs vs. the names we give themselves. Which got me thinking about what Puppy Dog would call himself:

• King Chaser, Catcher and Chewer of Tennis Balls


• Lord Barker, Defender of the Den


• Master Marker, Lord of Treetrunks, Bushes and Shrubs


• Duke of Doggy Day Care, of Bouncing Endless Play


• Squire Squirrel Slayer, Detester of Fluffy Tails


• Super Dooper Sniffer Critter Tracker

Please comment and suggest more...

Stuff Female People Like - No. 7: Gay Men

This series is inspired by the blog/book Stuff White People Like.

7. Gay Men

Female People love gay men.
Of course, there are Female People who are homophobic, but I choose to ignore them because, let's face it, no-one should give those idiots any airtime. So... moving on.
Female People love gay men for various reasons.

Gay men are pretty, clean and nice
Female People love skin pampered by good products, hair styled and blow dried, nails freshly manicured, bodies hairless, fit, clean and softly scented.
Yes, I am generalizing. Get over it.
Gay men are well groomed, and female people love it.
Of course, part of it is simply the fake mystique of restricted exposure. By definition, the gay man is only part of a Female Person's life. She sees him when they are out on the town. She does not smell his farts or have to go to the toilet after him or step over the clothes he has left on the floor.
He is the nice, clean man she goes out and has fun with. And - mmmmmm - he smells good.

Gay men dance
Dancing is very important to Female People - see explanation here.
When your hetero hubby refuses to humiliate himself once again with the side to side shuffle, a gay man can be relied upon to accompany you to the dance floor. The trade off the Female Person has to accept, of course, is that the gay man invariably dance better than she does, but it's a small price to pay.

Gay men are fecking hilarious
Perhaps it's because, in overcome huge obstacles to come out and live in a hetero world, they have to learn to laugh at life. Perhaps it's genetic, like some believe of gayness itself. Perhaps it's a cultural thing, a "way we do things" which all gay mean learn as theyenter the social circles of their own kind.
Whatever it is, the gay male sense of humor is legendary. Whole sitcoms have revolved around it, dinner parties are rescued by it, careers are made on it. (If you don't know Stephen Fry, find him on Twitter and enjoy.)
The sense of humor is not just funny, it's bitchy, a heady cocktail of eagle-eyed observation, witty turn of phrase and a surgical precision in cutting to the core.
The best examples are Stewie Griffin from Family Guy, Jack from Will and Grace and Stephen Fry from anything he's been in.
Some gems from Mr Fry:

"An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them."
"Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive."
"I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me."
"When you've seen a nude infant doing a backward somersault you know why clothing exists."

Gay men make women feel good
There is a scene - I can't remember which movie or TV show it's in - where three gay men are out with a Female Person who needs some cheering up. They do rock, paper scissors to choose who is going to go up to her and bolster her self-esteem. The loser goes up to the Female Person and tells her how wonderful she looks.
Fake or not - it doesn't matter. The validation from gay men is vital to Female People. They notice when you have your hair cut, when you're wearing a new dress, when you're trying out a new color on your pedicure.
Sadly, these are things the Female Person's hetero hubby often doesn't pick up on, so hanging out with her gay friend is a wonderful self-esteem boost.

The gay man is unavailable
Being unavailable makes the gay man non-threatening. He is the adult version of the teenage pop idol - stimulating but safe because it will never actually turn into sex.
In fact, it's better than the teenage pop idol because you can actually touch the gay man. Stroking" - non-sexual touching - is an important part of happiness. Like dogs, we need petting too. The Female Person can get hugs, hold hands, get shoulder massages from a gay man.
But - and this is crucial - it's not sexual. It can be stimulating, but it never gets near fourth base. The Female Person can go out with the gay friend for dinner and not be worried that she'll have to "pay" with a BJ. She can even get kisses, experience a little quiver but not have to deliver.
It's the perfect combination - stroking and stimulation without any messy penetration.

Every Female Person should have her Gay Boyfriend. It's a heavenly match.

Quote Unquote - Flushing meds

I told Bill the story of Puppy Dog being high while we were on vacation because I gave him a Vicadin by mistake. I told him all about calling the Vet and how Puppy Dog was totally manic and running up and down the hills and how worried I'd been and he said:

"You wasted a Vicadin on the dog?!?!?"

Being a Doggy Mama - Puppy Dog and Uncle Bill

I told Bill the story of Puppy Dog being high while we were on vacation because I gave him a Vicadin by mistake. I told him all about calling the Vet and how Puppy Dog was totally manic and running up and down the hills and how worried I'd been and he said:

"You wasted a Vicadin on the dog?!?!?"

Health is Wealth - Thinning out Fattie Boom Boom

Explanation of Fattie Boom Boom is here.

To see more work by the artist who did this picture, click here.

Back to see Softly Concerned, our Nutritionist. I first posted about her here.

Since my first meeting with her, Fluffy Bear has been to see her, we have filled out three pages of diet diary and I've had an allergy test, learning I am "highly reactive" to eggs. [Read my rant about this here.]

And so, we were back again. We crammed into her improbably small couch (designed to make you realize you're fat?) and she, having disturbingly found lime green Merrells which matched her lime green accented track suit, hauled out our files.

Alert: Digression in progress.

I now own a pair of Merrells, having sworn I'd never buy that sort of thing. I am still valiantly resisting owning anything by North Face or stepping foot into REI. As God is my witness, I will NEVER go camping. The Merrells seem to have wormed their way into my life along with our dog and an SUV. However, my rule is that walking shoes are like SUVs - if they aren't covered in mud, you shouldn't be in them. They are NOT a fashion item. Pristine Merrells with a pristine tracksuit annoys the living shit out of me.

She talked through our diet diaries and we discovered:

• We don't eat enough protein


• Buying that little snack (lemon cake, bran muffin, banana bread) to go with your overpriced coffee is lethal


• When Fluffy Bear is away he eats badly at restaurants - Salmon sushi has a horrifyingly amazing amount of calories


• When Fluffy Bear is away I eat badly at home - four soy lattes, five protein bars and cereal do not, apparently, a healthy diet make


• My eatathon and intense cupcake cravings could be because we are now working out twice a week with Silent Evil

"When you exercise, you burn sugars and carbs first," explained Softly Concerned, "so that's why you've wanted cupcakes. Think about when you are in the hospital for major surgery. They don't wait until you are crying out in pain, because giving you drugs then will take time to get into your system to help you. No. They give you a painkiller every 4 hours. You need to do the same with carbs. Get ahead of the cravings. Have rice pasta, have healthy bread. Make sure there are carbs in your general diet. Don't wait till you find yourself driving out to Dunkin' Donuts."

Damn, no more pints of Chunky Monkey with pregnancy-type cravings as an excuse.

"Now, about the eggs..." she began.

I pulled a pouty face. "I love eggs!" I whined. "But I have to admit, the week I had fried eggs for breakfast on Sunday and two egg salad sandwiches in the week, I felt tired all the time."

"That could be an effect," she said, and went on to tell me that I had to cut out eggs for two weeks and then come and see her. Then she was going to explain a structured way that we would re-introduce them and record what happened.

"Does that mean nothing with eggs in it? No cakes, no pancakes?" I kept whining.

"No, just cut out actual eggs," she soothed.

Alert: Digression in progress

It doesn't sound so bad until you are on vacation and you stop at a diner for breakfast. Have you ever noticed how the menus are all about eggs? I ended up choosing a waffle that was covered in some disgusting sloppy preserved strawberries (I thought they'd be fresh - silly me!) and watched Fluffy Bear scoff corned beef hash with two fried eggs. Torture.

Next, we talked about alternative cereals. Quinoa, Barley, Buckwheat. Softly Concerned had a file with a page on each and a packet showing what they looked like in dry form. Fluffy Bear tried the "takes too long" defense but each page had data including cooking times and we lost that argument right speedily. And so, back to oats for breakfast sometimes, with berries or honey or Agave syrup. After seeing her we went to the deli counter and bought some Tabouleh, which was surprisingly good.

Seeing Softly Concerned is kinda like going to see your mother, resisting all the advice she gives you, going back out into the world and finding she is right about everything and being really annoyed by that fact.

And so....

We need to eat more shellfish rather than red meat.

We need to balance protein and carb during the course of every day.

We need to look up some recipes and get out of the habit of always buying the same shopping and cooking the same things.

Sigh. We've both put on weight so we better make the effort...

Being a Doggy Mama - Oopsie!

We just went on vacation!

It was to a fantastic place with vines and hills and Puppy Dog was allowed to run around off the leash.

He made friends with the hotel dog - she was a lab too - and they swam in the pond and pooped between the trees and ran between the scrub bushes and there were smells and hills and a river and sun and Puppy dog ran and ran and ran and ran and never seemed to get tired.

Then... 

"Why is my Vicadin out here?" Fluffy Bear said.

"What Vicadin?" I asked.

"The Vicadin from my dentist appointment," he said.

"Oooooh shit! I thought that was Puppy Dog's anti-inflammatory medicine! I gave him one!"

Then there was a lot of running around to find my cell phone. 

"He'll be OK with just one dose," the Veterinary Nurse said. "You should try to keep him still because the Vicadin will make him not feel the pain of his leg injury and he might make it worse."

"Um... he's been running around like a manic demon, up and down the hills."

"Yeah, you may wanna try to restrict that. It will take ten to twelve hours to work through his system and he might be a bit.... frisky till then..."

"You mean he's high as a kite," she said.

"Well... yes."

It was probably the best day he'd ever had...