Stuff Female People Like - No. 1: Microclean

This series is, of course, inspired by the blog/book "Stuff White People Like".

No. 1: Microcleaning

Female People like to microclean.

They'll be doing something completely unrelated to cleaning, like putting make up on, and they'll notice that there are a few hairs and some dust lurking behind the taps on the bathroom basin. Microdirt. So they'll reach over, without breaking their stride, grab a piece of toilet paper, wipe behind the taps, throw the toilet paper away and take a second to behold the much cleaner, much neater looking taps.

NOTE: Microclean = a small cleaning task

If you aren't watching carefully, you won't even see the Microclean happen. It's over in a flash.
It's a seemingly small thing, but it means a lot to Female People.

On the other hand, Female People tend not to understand that Male People do not know what Microcleaning is. They mistakenly think that Male People have chosen not to Microclean, when in fact the Male People (a) don't notice the Microdirt and so (b) wouldn't think to clean it.
This is because Male People and Female People are different kinds of circus performers.

Male People are lion tamers. When they are in the cage with the lions they are dominant and totally focussed. They have to be.

Female People are jugglers, keeping several things going at once, using periferal vision, co-ordination, balance, skill, timing.

The Female Person sees the Microdirt while not breaking concentration on the makeup application. The Male Person does not see the Microdirt. He went into the bathroom to take a shit, and that's it. Focus.

The gender divide over Microcleaning usually isn't an issue, unless the Female Person notices Microdirt that they are convinced the Male Person

1. must have seen,


2. must have been annoyed by,


3. must have been annoyed enough by to want to take action,


4. must have been able to compute an easy Microcleaning solution to the Microdirt which would in no way compromise the task he was previously engaged in


5. been motivated to take immediate action, and


6. not only excuted the Microclean but


7. done so effectively.

Female People simply don't understand that (1) doesn't happen, let alone (2) through (7). Therefore, blaming Male People for not making the effort to carry out (6) or not being thorough enough to ensure (7) is simply nonsensical.

Sadly, however, this is a common cause of disagreement in the average household.
Hence:

FP: "Do not tell me that you didn't notice the toilet roll was finished! Why didn't you put a new roll on?"
MP: "It's not finished. There's still one square on it."
FP: "Are you kidding me?"

NOTE: Microclean = a small cleaning task + one that is easily done

Another key thing to remember about Microcleaning is it's immediacy. Female People's motivation behind Microcleaning is simple: I'll get this tiny thing done now, and it won't turn into a big thing that has to be done later.

Microcleaning is a key tool in the Female Person's Disaster Prevention Arsenal.
Hence:

FP: "Honey, couldn't you have wiped the sauces splashes on the microwave glass
plate?"
MP: "What splashes?"
FP: "The splashes. Now we've microwaved other stuff and the sauce is cooked on."
MP: "Don't worry. It'll wipe off."
FP: "Oh sure! I'll be the one scrubbing it off!"
MP: "Well, leave it! I'll do it later!"
[Sound of scrubbing.]
MP: "Honey, what are you doing? I said I'd do it."
FP: "You know you bloody well won't."

NOTE: Microclean = a small cleaning task + that is easily done + right now

The gender divide aside, Microcleaning is important to Female People. Having accomplished the Microclean, the Female Person will be more relaxed, even slightly happier, feeling they have added some order to a chaotic world.

Work-Life Imbalance - On the same page

Ever picked up the phone at home and dialled 9 for an outside line? Your work life has crept into your subconscious and you have a work-life imbalance. For more posts on examples, click on the Work Life Imbalance Category.

A few weeks ago I was at Happy Hour with a friend, talking about going to a show. We were discussing dates, who we wanted to invite to come with us, whether we should have dinner before, etc.

We thrashed it out, came up with two options, and discussed who would email which of our friends.

"Great!" I said to her, "I'm glad we're on the same page."

I looked up and saw her horrified expression. It took me half a second to register what was wrong, and then I felt a soft, squidgy disgust at myself.

Then, even worse, I felt the full realization of how deeply the work BS has penetrated my subconscious, managing to creep into the darkest recesses of my mind. Like a worm.

Work-Life Imbalance.

Work-Life Imbalance - No pass, no passing

Ever picked up the phone at home and dialled 9 to get an outside line? You are taking work home in the worst possible way - it's subconscious. You have Work Life Imbalance. There are many examples:

Today I got home from work and started getting undressed and redressed to go to the gym.

I took off my shirt, bra and jeans and headed to get my sweats.

Then I felt something on my thigh. I looked down. And then I saw it.

As I took off my jeans, I had automatically detached my work security pass from them and... I HAD CLIPPED IT TO MY UNDERPANTS.

Work-Life Imbalance.

Work-Life Imbalance - Tap tap

Ever picked up the phone at home and dialled 9 to get an outside line? This is a sign that you work too much, because you are taking work habits home with you. I call this Work Life Imbalance and you can see more posts under this Category name. There are many signs:

Today I was at the gym, and I washed my hands after going to the bathroom. I rinsed off the soap, turned to the automated paper towel thingy, waved my hand in front of it, tore the paper off and dried my hands. Then I noticed that there was still the sound of water running.

I thought: "That tap is set to run a long time."

I turned and looked back at the tap to make sure it was going to switch off, and that's when I realized - it was a real tap. I had to turn it off. Myself. Manually.

Work-Life Imbalance.

Divided by a Common Language - Eurovision

This post is inspired by the Eurovision officionado, Everywhereventually. I have linked to one of his Eurovision posts here... Seek the others out too. You really should read his posts on this... And stay tuned because I know him and I know there'll be more...

Living in America now, Fluffy Bear and I have tried to explain the Eurovision Song Contest on various occassions, always failing to convey the tacky, xenophobic delight that constitutes this yearly competition.

But here I am, trying yet again.

• First, you need to understand that Europe is a collection of small countries that enjoy differing from each other. Sure, we have the EU, but don't be fooled. Language varies, culture varies and there is a long, long history of wars that lingers in the collective psyche


• Second, know that England considers themselves better than the rest of the countries. France probably does too. And Germany. And Russia. And... you get the point


• Third, the countries are supposed to submit a song that is written by a local and performed by a non-professional band. Occassionally you have big stars perform, or they may be big stars in their own country, but real singing mega stars would never take part because...


• Fourth, Eurovision is quintessentially uncool, which is a big part of it's charm


• Fifth, the borders of "Europe" seem to extend every year. Suddenly Russia is included, for instance


• Sixth, most countries take it very, very seriously. The rivalry can be as intense as the Olympics


• Last but not least, England seems to take a very different attitude to the competition to the other countries. We enjoy the tackiness and really see it as a chance to take the piss out of the other countries. It's kindof like a holiday to Vegas. You aren't going there for a highbrow, cultured time. You're going so you can bitch about how awful it all is, dress badly, behave badly, wallow in kitsch.

See Eurovision in action

If you want to see the Eurovision songs, go to their official website here, or just search in YouTube on the country name, "Eurovision" and the year to see a video of the horror.

How Eurovision works officially

Each country submits a song. There are so many countries participating now that there are semi-finals where the crappier ones are weeded out. This is a pity, because this means the absolutely horrific hilarity is excluded from the Final.

Some countries qualify for the Final automatically, such as the country that won the previous year.

The country that wins hosts the next competition. One of the Eurovision legends is about how Ireland kept winning, how it cost them a bunch to host and so they put an an entry that was so godawful that they had to lose. And they keep this tradition up. See the link under "Insane" below.

At the end of the competition, people in each country call in to vote for the song they liked the most. They cannot vote for their own country.

The votes are tallied and then the hosts link to random presenters in each country who report the results of their country's vote. 12 points are given to the song voted for most, then 10, then 8, 7, 6 down to 1.

Again, since there are so many countries in it now, these regional presenters only report the top three scores these days.

The official languages of Eurovision are English and French, so all scores are said by the presenter in the voting country in one of the languages, then repeated by one of the host presenters in the other language.

As the scores are presented, the leader board is updated, till the winner is clear.

What really happens

The commentary

England's attitude to the Eurovision is summed up by the man who has done the voiceover for the competition for years and years and years and years, Terry Wogan. Terry is Irish, and makes hilarious, mean comments throughout the proceedings.
Examples:

"Doctor Death and the Tooth Fairy," – his take on the hosts of the 2001 contest
in Denmark.

"Who knows what hellish future lies ahead? … Actually, I do. I've
seen the rehearsals," - opening remark for the 2007 show in Finland.

See more quotes here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2008/dec/05/bbc-television

The songs

The songs are usually utterly dire. Some countries sing in their own language, and it is often the small countries who don't share their language with anyone else (like Greece) who do this. Seeing as your own country can't vote for you, singing a song which is incomprehensible to all others is not the smartest strategy. Of course, it does make the song that much funnier.

Songs and performances fall into one of the following categories:

• Bubble gum pop. This is usually staged with santily clad females jiggling their bits. The lyrics, if the song is done in English by a non-English speaking country, can be purile. e.g.

Today you think you are the winner, today you think you are the king
You make me sweat in my emotions under your fly-away, fly-away wing

• Cultural ditty. These are the best. Strange musical instruments, strange costumes, strange language, strange staging. Just strange. Example here.


• Opera. These people just don't get it. Eurovision is supposed to be fun. These songs never get any votes.


• Mourning ballad. Tedious


• Insane. These are just, well, crazy songs. Example: Ireland's turkey puppet

The scores

The tedium of scores being presented in two languages is epic. This is where consumption of alcohol comes into its own. See "Games", below.

The funny thing about the scores is how racist they are. You can basically predict which country will give which other country the full 12 points. The Baltic states stick together. Because Germany has a huge Turkish immigrant population, they vote for Turkey. France will NEVER give England anything, and vice-versa (The War, remember? And no, I don't mean Iraq).

To see a concrete example of this, look up who gave who the maximum of 12 points here.

The games

Watching Eurovision requires two things: 1) Friends 2) Alcohol.

The obvious game is to drink a drink inspired by each country as they perform. You may have to be a bit creative with your liquor cabinet.

The second game is to download the scoresheets from the official Eurovision website, and allocate the 12, 10, etc. points yourself. This creates great debate amongst friends, which escalates in proportion to alcohol consumption.

The winner

Nobody really cares who wins. Few Eurovision performers have had it launch their career... the notable exception is Abba. Some songs end up being played in European nightclubs over the summer, but that's about it.

It's really just a fun evening. Kinda like Miss Universe used to be before it became so Non-PC. I say do a Mr and Miss Universe combined and they're back in business but, hey, that's a whole 'nother post...

Quote Unquote - Prince Phillip

Prince Phillip, the Queen's husband, is known for his gaffes, and today was no exception.

They were discussing jet lag...

Queen to Obama: "You had to go to breakfast?"

Obama: "I had breakfast with the Prime Minister, I had meetings with the Chinese, the Russians, David Cameron. And I am proud to say I did not nod off in any of the meetings."

Prince Philip, laughing:  "Can you tell the difference between them?"

Michelle got her own back, probably unwittingly, by breaking protocol and putting her arm around the Queen.

One does not touch the Queen....

Oy vey....

Quote Unquote - BBC humor

"It's a kind of Oscar night for world leaders, and there's no doubt who the biggest star is.

Every overseas leader wanted to be the first to welcome President Obama to their country. The prize, though, went to Gordon Brown.

And, auditioning for the part of [G20] Summit Villain, arriving late, and having threatened to walk out, is France's Nicholas Sarkozy.

12 Presidents, 11 Prime Minsters and a King sat down to their pre-Summit dinner tonight. Never before have so many leaders of so many countries from so many continents come to London. Never before has the problem on their menu been greater.

Earlier, the President of the United States came to call. Who else would have a limousine that big or a cavalcade so long that it can't fit into Downing Street?"

 

BBC America World News

 

By the way, a friend of mine on Facebook commented on the G20 Summit today. And one of their friends replied "What's G20?"

Watch the fucking news, Moron.

Workplace Personalities - The Arsonist

 

Everyone loves a firefighter. They go above and beyond the call of duty, they do whatever it takes, they jump right in and fix things. They are brave, they are strong, they are heroes.

It's no different in the corporate workplace.

Just like in the real world, the firefighter jumps right in when a system goes down, when a project goes wrong, when a reporting deadline looms.

Just like in the real world, the firefighter works long hours and deals with the burning of long flame emails.

Just like in the real world, not all fires in the corporate world are started through a freak act of nature.

Nope.

Some fires are started by Arsonists.

And again, just like in the real world, Arsonists can be very hard to identify.

But, after you work with someone for a while, and you just can't understand why they are always telling scary stories about awful things, why they are always working weekends and why it's always up to them to be the hero and save the day.

Because, here's the thing.

They start the problem. They send the first incendiary email, they are the first to escalate to management, they are the first to talk of impact to revenue, wider consequences, cost overruns.

They don't see the glass half empty.  The glass is empty, cracked and filled with gasoline which will just take one teeny tiny match to turn a mild challenge into the Towering Inferno.

Let me give you an example.  You have a project.  You have 3 developers assigned.  One developer has to take time off unexpectedly because his baby is born premature.  You had a perfect project plan.  You had set things up so when the actual paternity time was due, you'd be at a stage when you needed fewer developers.  But that was meant to be six weeks from now.  

And so you sit the team down, you explain the situation, you say you're going to get more help.  You discuss and agree a plan for the next week, which is a reassignment and re-prioritization of tasks.  You already have at least three ideas of how to fix this, so you don't give anyone any overtime.  You don't ask anyone to do anything that isn't their core skill.  They just have do different things in a different order.  

Off everyone goes, all hands to the pump.  Off you go, to speak to your peer managers and your department HR person to find out if there's anyone from another team who is on a little downtime between projects, and can be spared.  

Three days later and - woo hoo! - you're in luck.  There's a guy.  There's a gal.  Whichever.  He/she can start in 7 days.  It takes a day to dot the Is and cross the Ts.

Now you're ready to announce to your team in the morning meeting the following day that they'll get the help they need really soon.  And they'll have that help for the next two months.  

So, let's recap.  It's day four of the re-prioritization.  On day five the team is going to hear about the mitigation plan.  

But you've forgotten the Arsonist.  He has met your boss at the water cooler on day three, and dropped some snide comment about how hard the team is working now that they are a man down, and how the project is starting to drop behind the plan.  The Arsonist tells the boss that it's ok, though, because he's planning to work this weekend to make sure the whole team can catch up.

And now you're fucked.  

There was never an issue.  But the boss thinks there was, even though you explain that you have a new person starting in a week, it seems like you're scrambling and it's all too little too late.   

PHOOM!  There go the flames.

The Arsonist is, in short, an extremely dangerous individual.

Why do they do it?

Perhaps they like the attention.  Perhaps they find their day to day life boring.  Perhaps they have issues that date back to their childhood.

It doesn't matter.  They've lit a fire under your career and you are running around like a cartoon character trying to blow out flames on their butt.

Key signs:

• Constant complaining about impending doom
• Constant overtime
• Tattle tale
• Filling up airtime in meetings explaining, in painstaking detail, examples of where things have gone wrong, in similar situations, in the past

Catch Phrase:  This isn't going to work

Your Strategy: Keep as far away as possible. Remember the Arsonist starts the fire so he or she can be the hero Firefighter. Get close, and you'll get burned.  The minute you identify an Arsonist, find a way to never have them on your team again.  

Their comeuppance:  

Well, nobody likes constant negativity so, over time, the Arsonist becomes unpopular, and may even morph into the Curmudgeon.  Slowly but surely, the Arsonist may be edged out into some job where he or she is working on something on their own.  

They become known as a crabby old fart who has to be tolerated because they've been doing the same job for so long that they are the expert.  But nobody takes them too seriously because they're old and in a mid-tier position and pretty much sidelined.

For more Workplace Personalities, click here.

You might like:

• The Curmudgeon
• The WIC

Workplace Personalities - The Driveby

How this person keeps their job is a mystery, because they never seem to do any work. Instead, they trap you in your cube with a drive by conversation.

At least in the corridor you can take steps backwards and increase the distance between you until the person takes the hint. With a Driveby, unless you have a meeting to get to, you have nowhere to run.

They come up to your cube, interrupting what you are doing, and start to chat.

Sometimes, the conversation starts with a supposed work question, but don't be fooled. The Driveby is using you to avoid doing their own work, and so will extend your conversation as long as possible, which is easily done if they start to talk about personal things.

The Driveby is a master of association. Whatever short, pithy answer you give to the drivel spewing from their lips, they will think of some association that sparks yet another story.

The most dangerous day of the week for being trapped by the Driveby is Monday, because that justifies the killer question: How was your weekend?

The correct answer is always: "Great!" followed by turning back to your computer screen and typing furiously or, even better, reaching for your phone and starting to dial any number you can think of.

Do not say: 

• Great, how about yours?
• Great, we had a BBQ.
• Good - great weather on Saturday, wasn't it? 

Any of these answers opens you up to twenty minutes of entrapment - minimum.  Not only that, but you enter the perilous territory of Overshare.  You'll hear about the family, the extended family, even stories from the family history.  And God help you if the "my friend" stories come out.  Now you're up to thirty minutes.

That urgent email you had to answer?  Good luck with that. 

Key signs: It's pretty obvious.  They're either standing in your cube, or body blocking you in the hallway.

Catch phrase: How are you today?  Just thought I'd come say Hi!

Your Strategy:

Option 1: Turn your back or grab your phone, as described above.

Option 2: Pretend you have a meeting, gather up your laptop and papers and walk away from your cube. The Driveby will follow you, so make sure you go past another cube, say hi to the poor bugger inside it and then Driveby will start talking to them instead of you. Then go hide in an empty meeting room for half an hour. When you come back, avoid walking past the cube where you deposited Driveby, as they'll still be there.

Option 3: Say you have to go to the bathroom.  This doesn't always work - I once had a female Driveby follow me in.

Option 4: Have your own phone number programmed into your cellphone and find a way to push the right buttons to call yourself on your desk phone.

Option 5: This is a spin on the Woman Party Save.  When we go out in groups, we have a signal that we use if we've been trapped by a guy we aren't interested in.  At the bar, on the dance floor, anywhere. One small wave or look and our friends step in faster than Delta Force.  Set up a sign with your next cube neighbor.  Of course, if they are away at a meeting, you're fucked.

Option 6: Say "I'm sorry, I have to finish this email." or "Hey, good to see you, but I have to get back to my report to meet the deadline."  Unfortunately, these excuses can lose their clout over time.  It doesn't make sense that you'd have an urgent thing to attend to every day at the very time the Driveby is chatting with you.

So, overall, I'd suggest combining these options in your defence arsenal.

Their comeuppance:  There isn't one.  Everyone thinks that a colleague who takes the time to be friendly is great, right?

For more Workplace Personalities, click here.

You might like:

• The Phantom
• The Urban Warrior