• First, you need to understand that Europe is a collection of small countries that enjoy differing from each other. Sure, we have the EU, but don't be fooled. Language varies, culture varies and there is a long, long history of wars that lingers in the collective psyche


• Second, know that England considers themselves better than the rest of the countries. France probably does too. And Germany. And Russia. And... you get the point


• Third, the countries are supposed to submit a song that is written by a local and performed by a non-professional band. Occassionally you have big stars perform, or they may be big stars in their own country, but real singing mega stars would never take part because...


• Fourth, Eurovision is quintessentially uncool, which is a big part of it's charm


• Fifth, the borders of "Europe" seem to extend every year. Suddenly Russia is included, for instance


• Sixth, most countries take it very, very seriously. The rivalry can be as intense as the Olympics


• Last but not least, England seems to take a very different attitude to the competition to the other countries. We enjoy the tackiness and really see it as a chance to take the piss out of the other countries. It's kindof like a holiday to Vegas. You aren't going there for a highbrow, cultured time. You're going so you can bitch about how awful it all is, dress badly, behave badly, wallow in kitsch.

See Eurovision in action

If you want to see the Eurovision songs, go to their official website here, or just search in YouTube on the country name, "Eurovision" and the year to see a video of the horror.

How Eurovision works officially

Each country submits a song. There are so many countries participating now that there are semi-finals where the crappier ones are weeded out. This is a pity, because this means the absolutely horrific hilarity is excluded from the Final.

Some countries qualify for the Final automatically, such as the country that won the previous year.

The country that wins hosts the next competition. One of the Eurovision legends is about how Ireland kept winning, how it cost them a bunch to host and so they put an an entry that was so godawful that they had to lose. And they keep this tradition up. See the link under "Insane" below.

At the end of the competition, people in each country call in to vote for the song they liked the most. They cannot vote for their own country.

The votes are tallied and then the hosts link to random presenters in each country who report the results of their country's vote. 12 points are given to the song voted for most, then 10, then 8, 7, 6 down to 1.

Again, since there are so many countries in it now, these regional presenters only report the top three scores these days.

The official languages of Eurovision are English and French, so all scores are said by the presenter in the voting country in one of the languages, then repeated by one of the host presenters in the other language.

As the scores are presented, the leader board is updated, till the winner is clear.

What really happens

The commentary

England's attitude to the Eurovision is summed up by the man who has done the voiceover for the competition for years and years and years and years, Terry Wogan. Terry is Irish, and makes hilarious, mean comments throughout the proceedings.
Examples:

"Doctor Death and the Tooth Fairy," – his take on the hosts of the 2001 contest
in Denmark.

"Who knows what hellish future lies ahead? … Actually, I do. I've
seen the rehearsals," - opening remark for the 2007 show in Finland.

See more quotes here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2008/dec/05/bbc-television

The songs

The songs are usually utterly dire. Some countries sing in their own language, and it is often the small countries who don't share their language with anyone else (like Greece) who do this. Seeing as your own country can't vote for you, singing a song which is incomprehensible to all others is not the smartest strategy. Of course, it does make the song that much funnier.

Songs and performances fall into one of the following categories:

• Bubble gum pop. This is usually staged with santily clad females jiggling their bits. The lyrics, if the song is done in English by a non-English speaking country, can be purile. e.g.

Today you think you are the winner, today you think you are the king
You make me sweat in my emotions under your fly-away, fly-away wing

• Cultural ditty. These are the best. Strange musical instruments, strange costumes, strange language, strange staging. Just strange. Example here.


• Opera. These people just don't get it. Eurovision is supposed to be fun. These songs never get any votes.


• Mourning ballad. Tedious


• Insane. These are just, well, crazy songs. Example: Ireland's turkey puppet

The scores

The tedium of scores being presented in two languages is epic. This is where consumption of alcohol comes into its own. See "Games", below.

The funny thing about the scores is how racist they are. You can basically predict which country will give which other country the full 12 points. The Baltic states stick together. Because Germany has a huge Turkish immigrant population, they vote for Turkey. France will NEVER give England anything, and vice-versa (The War, remember? And no, I don't mean Iraq).

To see a concrete example of this, look up who gave who the maximum of 12 points here.

The games

Watching Eurovision requires two things: 1) Friends 2) Alcohol.

The obvious game is to drink a drink inspired by each country as they perform. You may have to be a bit creative with your liquor cabinet.

The second game is to download the scoresheets from the official Eurovision website, and allocate the 12, 10, etc. points yourself. This creates great debate amongst friends, which escalates in proportion to alcohol consumption.

The winner

Nobody really cares who wins. Few Eurovision performers have had it launch their career... the notable exception is Abba. Some songs end up being played in European nightclubs over the summer, but that's about it.

It's really just a fun evening. Kinda like Miss Universe used to be before it became so Non-PC. I say do a Mr and Miss Universe combined and they're back in business but, hey, that's a whole 'nother post...