Workplace Personalities - The Driveby

How this person keeps their job is a mystery, because they never seem to do any work. Instead, they trap you in your cube with a drive by conversation.

At least in the corridor you can take steps backwards and increase the distance between you until the person takes the hint. With a Driveby, unless you have a meeting to get to, you have nowhere to run.

They come up to your cube, interrupting what you are doing, and start to chat.

Sometimes, the conversation starts with a supposed work question, but don't be fooled. The Driveby is using you to avoid doing their own work, and so will extend your conversation as long as possible, which is easily done if they start to talk about personal things.

The Driveby is a master of association. Whatever short, pithy answer you give to the drivel spewing from their lips, they will think of some association that sparks yet another story.

The most dangerous day of the week for being trapped by the Driveby is Monday, because that justifies the killer question: How was your weekend?

The correct answer is always: "Great!" followed by turning back to your computer screen and typing furiously or, even better, reaching for your phone and starting to dial any number you can think of.

Do not say: 

• Great, how about yours?
• Great, we had a BBQ.
• Good - great weather on Saturday, wasn't it? 

Any of these answers opens you up to twenty minutes of entrapment - minimum.  Not only that, but you enter the perilous territory of Overshare.  You'll hear about the family, the extended family, even stories from the family history.  And God help you if the "my friend" stories come out.  Now you're up to thirty minutes.

That urgent email you had to answer?  Good luck with that. 

Key signs: It's pretty obvious.  They're either standing in your cube, or body blocking you in the hallway.

Catch phrase: How are you today?  Just thought I'd come say Hi!

Your Strategy:

Option 1: Turn your back or grab your phone, as described above.

Option 2: Pretend you have a meeting, gather up your laptop and papers and walk away from your cube. The Driveby will follow you, so make sure you go past another cube, say hi to the poor bugger inside it and then Driveby will start talking to them instead of you. Then go hide in an empty meeting room for half an hour. When you come back, avoid walking past the cube where you deposited Driveby, as they'll still be there.

Option 3: Say you have to go to the bathroom.  This doesn't always work - I once had a female Driveby follow me in.

Option 4: Have your own phone number programmed into your cellphone and find a way to push the right buttons to call yourself on your desk phone.

Option 5: This is a spin on the Woman Party Save.  When we go out in groups, we have a signal that we use if we've been trapped by a guy we aren't interested in.  At the bar, on the dance floor, anywhere. One small wave or look and our friends step in faster than Delta Force.  Set up a sign with your next cube neighbor.  Of course, if they are away at a meeting, you're fucked.

Option 6: Say "I'm sorry, I have to finish this email." or "Hey, good to see you, but I have to get back to my report to meet the deadline."  Unfortunately, these excuses can lose their clout over time.  It doesn't make sense that you'd have an urgent thing to attend to every day at the very time the Driveby is chatting with you.

So, overall, I'd suggest combining these options in your defence arsenal.

Their comeuppance:  There isn't one.  Everyone thinks that a colleague who takes the time to be friendly is great, right?

For more Workplace Personalities, click here.

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• The Phantom
• The Urban Warrior