Depression and ECT 26

I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html
#depression
#ECT

I've had ECT three times a week for a month, then ECT once a week for a month. My last in that series was last Friday. I've been told to come back in two weeks time.

But I can feel that I'm slipping back into Depression Land. It's a subtle shift. It's not like it's a recognizable event. It's more like suddenly realizing that something has been lost, and the something is normality.

Instead of being normal I am back to the repetitive thoughts ringing through my head:

"I need my life to be different. I need my life to be different. I need my life to be different."

Yup. Broken record thoughts, unbidden, echoing through my mind. I can read the signs -- I'm back in Depression Land.

Then, I find I'm cheerleading myself through my morning:

"Just get in the shower and start washing your glasses. Muscle memory will take over, you'll be OK. Just keep moving."

"Grab the towel and dry your hair. You can do it. Keep moving. There's the hairdryer. Keep moving. Keep moving."

You see, it's not that the ECT gave me moonlight and rainbows. It's that it TOOK AWAY all this negative crap. It just put me on an even keel, in a neutral place - in blissful normal.

Sign No. 3: I've been tearful today. I cried when I saw my OBGYN - she's retiring and I had my last appointment with her. I cried watching Real Housewives of Beverley Hills when Brandi hugged her dad, remembering my difficult relationship with my father. Boo hoo hoo. Boo hoo hoo. Crying at the drop of a hat.

Sign No. 4: I lost it at work today. I fired an email off to a senior person, complaining about an ad put out by my company. He responded immediately, agreed with me and promised to look into it, but he probably bcc'ed the email to HR so it can go on my file. Yup. Behaving like an idiot and mouthing off.... deep, deep, deep in Depression Land.

...

What the fuck am I going to do?

I can't keep going to the hospital three times a week, getting knocked out by anesthetic and having my brain zapped. It's just not fucking practical.

So what if I've gone through all of this and the effects of the ECT don't hold? What if I'm back where I started?

Fuck.

...

I'm on four fucking medications. My OBGYN even commented on how many meds I'm on. Something has to give.

Something HAS to give.

...

I'm scared. I'm scared that it isn't working. Or rather, that it did work, but that it isn't sticking.

I'm petrified.

...

Well, I see my shrink tomorrow afternoon, so I guess we'll see what he has to say.

Wish me luck.

DO YOU NOT SEE HOW NECESSARY A WORLD OF PAINS AND TROUBLES IS TO SCHOOL AN INTELLIGENCE AND MAKE IT A SOUL?
JOHN KEATS

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html