Depression and ECT 25

I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html
#depression
#ECT

Fluffy Bear thinks the ECT is working. He told me today that he thinks I've been pretty good all week. I have to admit that, in general, I do feel a bit more upbeat than usual.

I'm wondering if this is a taste of how normal people feel. It's always mystified me how people can be relentlessly positive. I've always marveled at the energy they put into actively being positive. But now I'm thinking: do they actually FEEL positive? Is it not an act, an effort, but just an expression of what they actually feel?

I find this to be an earth shattering revelation. Can people actually feel positive about stuff most of the time? Is that even possible? It just feels so fucking alien to me. It's like I've lived my whole life amongst English speakers and then someone drops me off in rural China.

And then the next question: can the ECT make me more like those people? Can I feel positive - hell, I'll even settle for just neutral - about things in general? Can I look forward to tihngs? Be excited about things?

Can I appreciate the art that office planning just put up in our corridors instead of thinking it's a fucking waste of money when jobs are being cut in other departments? Can I set up my bonus goals for the year and actually look forward to tackling the projects and collaborating with colleagues? Can I want to go to yoga and enjoy it thoroughly when I'm there?

Is this really possible?

Is it?

I feel like a kid standing at the window of a candy store and the store owner is Mr ECT and I'm not sure if he's going to let me in.

Don't get me wrong... I know ECT isn't a magic wand. I have work to do, too.

My brother sent me an email this week asking me to contribute to his planning for the year. He asked me to list some of hie strengths and weaknesses, and to list what he should start doing and stop doing. I gave him honest feedback and asked that he fill in the same form for me.

Here's part of what he wrote:

START DOING – ideas from the course on time allocation
o Adventurer – a new role to compliment health, family, finance, work,
§ Agree with Fluffy Bear one fun thing to do this year
§ Jump out of a plane
§ Work on your bucket list
§ Plan trips to London, New York, - tag onto business and work outings
§ Fix something that scares you
§ Do Toastmasters, dance lessons,
§ Find something unusual – mud pool, sleep outside
§ Start a gratitude journal
§ I will train my brain to be positive
o Minder
§ Read a book on how to
§ Teach someone something
§ Start a journal
§ Create a beautiful day once a month
· STOP DOING
o Venting on Facebook (very, very dangerous)
o Sweat the small stuff

I think the stuff he has under "Stop Doing" goes back to what I was saying before. I'm starting to suspect that I really don't see things the way other people do, and I really don't feel the way other people do. To what degree is my seeing a flaw in a business process my choice to be negative vs. it being the way my brain processes things? I don't think I'm hearing enthusiastic voices in my head and choosing to ignore them. I think they're not there in the first place.

Not only that, but venting makes me feel better. Venting on Facebook is something I do frequently. To stop doing that do I have to bottle up my feelings?

My brother would say that the answer lies in his point "I will train my brain to be positive." I know this because it is something he has done and I admire him for it. But I struggle with that concept. I struggle with a sense of losing who I really am, and with a suspicion that it's all an act, and the true bigger or resentful feelings fester underneath.

Will ECT help me to have a brain that has some enthusiasm, some glass half full? If feels like it is doing so a little bit. I've felt lighter these last few days, and more anticipatory of good things to come.

But now I start to worry about the effects sticking. My last session is scheduled for this Friday. What happens after that?

I guess we'll see.

THE WORST TYPE OF CRYING WASN'T THE KIND EVERYONE COULD SEE -- THE WAILING ON STREET CORNERS, THE TEARING AT CLOTHES. NO, THE WORST KIND HAPPENED WHEN YOUR SOUL WEPT AND NO MATTER WHAT YOU DID, THERE WAS NO WAY TO COMFORT IT. A SECTION WITHERED AND BECAME A SCAR ON THE PART OF YOUR SOUL THAT SURVIVED. FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME AND ECHO, OUR SOULS CONTAINED MORE SCAR TISSUE THAN LIFE.
KATIE MCGARRY

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html