I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html
#depression
#ECT

I met with my psychologist yesterday. It's a while since I've seen her so I had a lot to update her on: ECT going down to once a fortnight, the whole saga of my fear that the cure wasn't sticking, titrating down the Pristiq dose.

I told her that my psychiatrist, when we agreed to decrease the Pristiq dose, said that getting me off some of my four antidepression meds will create space to try other meds which might help the cure stick.

I also told her about reading Sane New World, where Ruby Wax details some of the brain chemicals that impact depression.

"The chemicals are so complex. I wish we could figure out what my chemical imbalance is and what pills I should take," I said. "If only we had nanotechnology which could go into my brain and diagnose me. But instead we're --"

"Throwing darts," she said.

And it's true. With depression you try a drug, you vary the dose, you see if it works. You try a different drug.

Yes, there is some knowledge of the chemistry and I'm sure psychiatrists are, to some degree, making informed choices when they prescribe, but some of it is just luck. It really is.

I have a good friend who had surgery and was then given blood thinners. Turns out she was one of the 0.003% who are allergic to the drug, and part of her intestine died and had to be removed. For fuck's sake! Those are ridiculous odds! What bad luck!

I want my drug luck to change. I'm sick of this shit. I want a dart to hit the right spot.

So far, the Pristiq dose reduction (unlike Respiridone which was a cluster fuck) is going well, so maybe, just maybe, there's hope.

EVERY MAN HAS HIS SECRET SORROWS WHICH THE WORLD KNOWS NOT; AND OFTEN TIMES WE CALL A MAN COLD WHEN HE IS ONLY SAD.
HENRY WADSWORTH LONGFELLOW

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html