I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.
To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html
#depression
#ECT
I had a really interesting discussion yesterday with my massage therapist about how people who do not have depression struggle to understand what it is like for those of us who do.
His partner regularly tells him to "Just relax."
I had someone close to me send me an email with bullet points that included self-help books, questions like "What do you do each day to further your happiness?" and "What will you tell St Peter that you did with your life when you reach the pearly gates?"
Not only are these kinds of things unhelpful, they're insulting. They're insulting because they do not acknowledge the gargantuan effort that the depressed person is making to function quasi-normally.
Depression Brain isn't about attitude, it's a feeling, and there are destructive voices.
Let's start with the feeling.
For no reason that you can identify, you feel desperately sad. The closest a non-depressed person can get to understanding the feeling is if they have lost someone they care for very much, and have gone through the grieving process. Depression Brain has you so sad that all you want to do is crawl into bed and sob.
Now imagine the effort it takes to get out of bed, brush your teeth, shower and get to work. All the while you are talking yourself through overcoming the terrible sadness. You're making yourself not cry. "I can do this," you're saying to yourself again and again and again. "I can do this."
Think of a person who is blind, stinking drunk. The chemicals in their body and brain are making them unable to function normally. It's the same with Depression Brain. Your chemicals are out of whack. How far do you get if you go up to a very drunk person and say "Sober up, Mate, it's time to drive home." Not very far, right? Have you ever been drunk and had to make yourself walk straight, talk sense and get home safely? That's the same kind of effort Depression Brain demands on a bad, depressed day.
But imagine feeling like that EVERY FUCKING DAY.
Now consider telling that person to "Just relax." Anybody who says that can go fuck themselves. .
Next, the voices.
Depression Brain can be like having an abusive parent in your head.
Accusations, insults, and portents of doom.
Voices in your head, which sometimes seem like another version of you but other times really seem to come out of nowhere.
"Your husband is going to get sick of this depression bullshit and leave you."
"Your boss is getting tired of your sick days. The performance review next week is going to be you being put on a Performance Monitoring Plan."
"You can't manage this negotiation. It's for over a million dollars. You have no idea what you're doing."
It goes on and on and on. Eventually, it's hard not to believe the voices because they're just so fucking persistent. The first time you're told you're a piece of shit, you push back, but the 57th time? Not so easy.
The voices make it hard to "do one thing to further your happiness every day." That doesn't mean a depressed person doesn't try, but meditating is somewhat undermined by a voice saying everyone would be better off if you were dead. Doing something creative can be spoilt by a voice reminding you that the sharp cooking knife is right next to the stove and all it would take is one energetic swipe to slit your wrists.
So how DO you help a depressed person?
It's going to sound like a cliche, but all you can do is be there for them. If you're not physically in the same place, check in every few hours or once a day by text or through Facebook. Visit. Sit and have tea and distract with conversation. Hold their hand. Hug them. Be there.
On second thought, ask them what they need. They probably have a different opinion to mine.
IF A FRIEND WAS BEING ABUSED YOU WOULDN'T SHOUT AT HER TO STOP SUFFERING, YOU WOULD SOOTHE HER PAIN.
RUBY WAX, SANE NEW WORLD.