9 to 5 - The people you meet...

Attending training courses can be fascinating - not necessarily for what you learn, but who you meet.

Often, to start us off, the trainer will ask everyone to introduce themselves by name, say where they work and then share something interesting about themselves that no-one is likely to know.

Here are some of the people I've met:

• A guy who composed music for TV shows


• A guy whose baby had been in major Hollywood movies


• An ex-college football player who had been in a team when they won the national championship


• A woman who spent an evening with a major rock icon at his local pub


• A woman who spoke at the UN


• A guy who was in a metal band in the 80s

Strange the people who end up in the corporate cube farm.

9 to 5 - Just 3 things

Life is getting insane, so these are the three questions which, from now on, I am going to ask myself every day:

1. What is the ONE work thing I have to achieve today?


2. What is the ONE personal thing I have to achieve today?


3. What is the ONE treat/fun thing I am going to do for myself today?

And that's it.

Nothing else has to be one.

9 to 5 - Guess I shouldn't apply...

We went to a Burger Place a while ago and I noticed they had a sign up saying they needed staff.

The sign said:

Upbeat personalities, enquire within.

Guess the job's not for me then.

What would my type of sign say?

• Bitter Bitches, enquire within
• Dysfunctional Dyspeptics, enquire within
• Contemptous Cows, enquire within
• Sarcastic Snobs, enquire within
• Cynical Smarty Pants, enquire within
• Overeducated Yuppies, enquire within

I could go on...

9 to 5: Bring back the humans

Don't you just love calling those automated Switchboards?

Thank. You. For. Calling. Company X.

Please. Tell. Me. Who. You. Would. Like. To. Speak. To.

"Bob Smith."

I. Think. You. Said. One. Of. These. Seven. People.

One. Mike Kawazaki.

Two. Sheila Monroe.

Three. Hiyochi Namura.

Four. Tom Dole.

Five. [Mumble mumble].

Six. Chloe Ellis-Brown.

Seven. Vijay Chopra.

If. The. Person. Was. Not. Listed. Say. None.

"None."

I'm. Sorry. Please. Tell. Me. The. Name. Again.

"Bob Smith."

I. Think. You. Mean. One. Of. These. Fifty. Two. People.

One. Mariana DeVille.

Two. Chuck Bartels.

"None! None! None!"

I'm. Sorry. Let's. Try. That. Again. Please. Te-

"Operator! OPERATOR!"

I. Think. You. Want. The. Operator. Is. That. Right.

"YES!"

Transferring. You. To. The. Operator.

"Hello, this is the Operator, who would you like to speak to?"

"Bob Smith, please."

"And how do you spell 'Smith'?"

And this is when I send Bob an email.

9 to 5 - Excuses, excuses

Excuses for not doing anything productive when working from home:

• I can stay in bed a bit longer. After all, this is normally time I'd be in the car anyway


• I am home, I should take the opportunity to have a decent breakfast. Sets you up for the day, you know


• I don't want to become a home worker in my robe and slippers like on Dilbert. I better shower and do my hair


• I should just spend a few minutes quality time playing with my Puppy Dog.


• Hey, I'll just load up the dishwasher and put some clothes in the washing machine - it'll only take five minutes and then they can be washing while I work


• I can't work at this dining room table. Too distracting. I better get rid of all this crap


• I think I'd like a cup of tea


• OMIGOD it's 10:30 and I haven't done any work!!! How the hell did I distract myself this long? Oh well first I.... hey, you know what? I should put this on my blog.

9 to 5 - Daydream

Sometimes at work I feel like I am caught in that movie, The Life of Brian and Michael Palin is sing-songing at me....

"Crucifixion?.... Yes?.... Line on the left! One cross each...."

9 to 5 - Why we do this corporate crap

I was having a good day, the kind of day when you make real progress in your work and you can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. And then I had a meeting with my manager and he asked me for two things tomorrow morning.

My dearest colleague-slash-friend, Bill, also started his day out well and saw things rapidly go downhill, with arsonist emails (people who purposefully create situations that require fire fighting) and his boss changing their core strategy - yet again - on a conference call where he made impossible promises to senior managers. Easy for the boss to promise, not so easy for Bill to do all the work.

So we decided to have a CBS (Coffee Bitch Session) together.

As we got into the elevator I couldn't help but sigh.

I asked Bill: "Do you think those penniless-artist-types are happier than us? I bet they are...."

"Yes" he replied, "but they have to clean their own toilets."

And that is why we do this corporate crap.

9 to 5 - TLAs

Three Letter Acronyms are a big part of the corporate culture where I work.

My colleague and friend - let's call him Bill - and I decided we would come up with our own TLA's to deal with the horror - the horror! the horror! - of corporate life.

SYF - Suburban Yawn Factor. Pronounced "sif" which is fun cos it sounds like a shortened version of syphillis. Refers to those boring people who have to tell boring stories about their suburban life e.g. taking the kids to soccer/baseball/whatever, the agony over choosing a school, the awful third nanny about to be replaced with the fourth.

CBS - Corporate Bullshit.

WPI = Workplace Inappropriate e.g. that hug that lasts too long, that overly personal story, that sexist joke.

RFD = Red Flag Day as in "Don't fuck with me, I'm having an RFD."

WCPM = West Coast Positivity Mafia. These are the people from California and other West coast states who insist on being positive all the time. Key phrases:

• "I don't think we should discuss politics at work" = For God's sake don't make me actually express an opinion
• "Let's agree to disagree" = I think you're a FuckWit
• "Well that's interesting" = That sucks
• "Thank you for making that excellent point" = Shut the fuck up

MSU = Make Shit Up, usually to be found when someone spews statistics in a meeting.

MCTZ = Meeting Cancellation Twilight Zone. This is when you have a full day of meetings and everyone cancels.

DHC = Disturbingly Hot Colleague. Often leads to events which are WPI.

ABA = Another Bloody Acronym

9 to 5 - Follow YOUR Yellow Brick Road

Yesterday I had one of those moments of environmental nanoterrorism when I sat in my car, engine idling, for at least seven minutes outside my house. It was the BBC World Service's fault. I got home and I just had to listen to the end of the Outlook interview with Sir Ken Robinson.

He has a book out about inspiring people to follow their personal passion, called The Element.

I've long ago stopped reading that kind of book, but the interview was fascinating. Sir Ken was struck down with polio as a child, and then his dad became a quadroplegic after an accident at work.

But the really interesting part was when he retold a story he heard at a book signing somewhere in the US. I'm telling it the way I remember it, so don't sue me if I get some details wrong.

A guy came up to Sir Ken to get his book signed and said that, as a child, he'd always wanted to be a firefighter. No doubt thinking this was just a normal childish phase, I guess most people indulged him until he got older. Then he had a high school teacher who told him it was a stupid idea and that he should go to college. The guy became a firefighter and saw his teacher again - when he saved his life, and his wife's life, after they had a car accident.

And here's the punchline, in true, euphemistically-polite American style:

"Well," said the firefighter," I guess he thinks differently now."