I guess we all fantasize about the grand speech we'd make on the day we throw our toys out of the cot and quit our jobs. Except I've been fantasizing about that a little too much lately.
I dream about how I'd announce that I'm leaving to my team in one of our regular Wednesday meetings. My boss would already know, of course, but this would be the big announcement to my colleagues:
"I have found a different role so I'll be moving on," I'd say. "My last day here is Friday."
"We're sorry to see you leave," one of them would say.
And I wouldn't be able to help myself. Before I can even think about it, before I can stop it, I'd hear myself laugh sarcastically and say:
"Well I very much doubt that!"
And there'd be little confused looks around the table, and then I'd just fucking lose it.
"Are you KIDDING ME?" I'd yell.
"Isn't this same group that shits on me every time I have a networking meeting because one of you believes that you own the relationship with whoever I'm talking to?
Is this the same team that, in my interview, promised to groom me for a role equivalent to yours, promised I'd learn but then steadfastly refused to teach?
Are you the people who, whenever I offer, or our boss suggests, that I help any one of you with what you're doing, even just by taking a small part of those massive workloads that you keep complaining about, make excuses about how what you're doing really takes more knowledge of the company than I have, or that you really need to run this particular initiative?
Isn't every team meeting we have at least 70% of you being negative and complaining about your workloads, your annoying stakeholders and the fact that things aren't the way they used to be, even if you are directly asked what a solutions we could try?
I mean, SERIOUSLY, the last person in my job lasted TWO MONTHS.
And the person who joined the team before me - do you EVER see him at his desk. No, and that's because he's made sure that he's been loaned out to other teams as much as possible.
The guy who joined before that has had to suffer voices being raised at him in the open cube farm (to his credit, he doesn't yell back) and he's had to ask at least two of you, face to face, to stop condescending to him.
And, by the way, you don't reserve condescension just for him. All of us newbies get to be constantly interrupted, excluded from meetings and told that "things don't work that way here" without any explanation of why, let alone consideration of how we could enable change.
So do you REALLY think that there isn't a problem here?
I joined this team to be among vastly intelligent people, whose work enables the organization to move forward and achieve strategic goals. Because, of all the teams in our department, THIS is the one that actually gets to do that.
But I'm starting to see why people call this team "The Ivory Tower." I'm starting to see why each and every person who congratulated me on my new role, or asked me how I was doing, had a strange sympathetic expression on their faces.
If I had a dollar for every number of times I've been told that I should hang in there because this is a difficult team, I wouldn't HAVE TO WORK!
I have tried. I have fucking tried with you people. I have asked for mentoring. I have taken each of you to lunch multiple times to [airquotes] bond. I sucked it up when I was told to shut the hell up and just listen and learn, but the only thing I hear is who owns what, how things used to be and why they can't change.
This team is like a bad tempered old man who won't give you your ball back when you make the mistake of kicking it into his massive yard. A yard he doesn't even use. The old man just doesn't get that, if he let the neighborhood kids use his yard, he'd be able to sit out on his porch and have some company, rather than living his grumpy little life all alone.
Your attitude is not only destructive to other members of the team, but it's going to bring you down too. This organization is changing, and you're not morphing with it. Nobody wants you to be the police anymore. People don't want you to keep saying no, they want you to say 'Yes, and this is how.'
This ship is sinking.
And I'll be fucked if I'll go down with it.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and clean out my desk."
For more in the 9 to 5 series, click the Tag below or the Category link on the left.
You might enjoy:
- Bring back the humans - don't you just hate those automated switchboards?
- Follow your yellow brick road - a story of how fate gets us in the end