This series is inspired by the blog/book Stuff White People Like.
11. Receiving flowers
Yes, Female People genuinely do like getting flowers.
Why?
Well, flowers are:
- pretty
- a treat (assuming the sender obeys rule 2)
- a surprise (especially if the sender obeys rule 1)
- a sign the sender really cares (only if all rules are obeyed)
- something that has been hyped by the media and the Female Person has bought into.
The rules of giving flowers
- Don't drop any hint that you have/are about to/are thinking of buying flowers.
- Don't be stingy. Three small tulips won't cut it. A single flower can pass, but only if it is a long-stemmed rose.
- Don't buy and give, send. The Female Person loves to get flowers from the delivery guy, wonder for a moment who sent them, and open the card to find that it's you.
- Don't buy on impulse, plan. Flowers bought at the grocery store or gas station do not count. Getting the flowers delivered at a time when you ought to know she won't be at the office will be an automatic deduction of points.
- Do know what the Female Person likes and doesn't like. If you buy flowers she both hates and is allergic to, you're so screwed.
- Do know what the flowers mean, especially if you are breaking rule 5. White lilies are for funerals, yellow roses are for friendship. Look up the rest, or ask the florist.
- Rule 6 does not apply if you have followed Rule 5 and know that the Female Person likes a certain flower in spite of what it means.
- Make it public. If you have a choice to send flowers to the Female Person's home or her work, send them to her work. She'll never admit it, but she wants everyone to see that someone thinks she is so special that they send a massive bunch of flowers. Be warned, if you choose to send the flowers to her work, you better make sure you follow Rule 2.
- Let the professionals do it. If you are at the flower shop and you're asked if you'd like to choose the flowers, decline unless you are one of the 0.5% of men who actually knows what they are doing with flowers and definitely decline if you are one of the 7% of men who are color blind.
- Add the vase. If possible, buy a vase too, so she doesn't have to scrabble around cutting stems, pulling off leaves and arranging the flowers. Make it easy for her.