This series is inspired by the blog/book Stuff White People Like.
This post is inspired by a blog post from the Midlifegals, called "Questionable Judgement".
16. The Potential Mate Interview Panel
Female people love their friends, especially their BFFs.
The Friend is a very important notion to a Female Person and, being biologically programmed to nurture, the Female Person not only loves her friend, she wants what is best for her. Especially when it comes to the biological imperative of procreation.
Conclusion: Female People like to have a say in their friend's choice of mate and they tend to interview him/her, like a job candidate.
So Female People like...
17. The Potential Mate Interview Panel.
Groups of Female Persons who are close to the Friend form themselves into - sometimes unsolicited and even unwanted - interview panels for the new potential mate Candidate.
The Panel's objectives
Like any interviewer, the Female Person PMIP has a defined set of criteria against which they judge the suitability of the Candidate. All of these criteria are designed to fulfill three key objectives:
- To keep the Friend safe
- To make sure the Friend is really loved
- To give the Friend the future she deserves i.e. a damn good one.
The Panel's process
The interview can take place over days or months and both the Candidate and the Friend may be completely oblivious to the process.
The interviewing can be conducted face to face, where the Friend and Candidate think they are just out on a nice social outing,
The interview can also be a virtual process - this is when conclusions are drawn based on what the Friend has said about her potential mate. The Friend may say something completely innocently, not realizing that is has been noted, logged and fed into the Candidate's overall score.
Example:
"He told me that he loves that I am so ambitious and doing so well at the firm! He says I'm on the track for partner within 5 years. It's so cute because he, like, is in such a different field, being an artist and all, and he finds everything I say about office life so fascinating. I guess it must be so different for someone who works alone in a buddy's loft doing paintings all day."
The interview panel would draw the following conclusions from that comment:
- Candidate does not have a proper job - Candidate is a Loser
- Candidate is aware of the good job Friend has, and that she is going places in the world - Candidate is a free loading gold digger.
The interviewers on the PMIP often collaborate, bouncing ideas and perceptions off each other to ensure that their opinion is validated. Phone calls, emails, IM's - all sorts of activity may be going on behind the scenes as the Candidate works his/her way through process.
Example:
sallyjb7348293 says: omigod jane told me today that he asked her to change her dress before they went to meet his mother. Not sure that's cool
knittinglady845702 says: WTF?!??!!? Bad sign. Bad, bad sign.
sallyjb7348293 says: Totally. And he's put off introducing her to his dear mama FOUR times.
knittinglady845702 says: oh boy
The Panel's motivation
Why do Female People do this, I hear you ask? Why don't they just accept that the Friend is happy, that she is an adult and can take care of herself?
Ah, my dear, that is because Female People all know what it is like to be blinded by lust, by a crush, by the honeymoon stages of any relationship where everything is new and exciting, where the potential mate can do no wrong and where everything is seen through the rose-colored, endorphin-warped lenses of regular orgasms.
Female People also remember - and remember so very, very well - the Relationship Disaster Pain Zone. That place where the pain, the embarrassment, the social awkwardness follows the moment when the little skinny, ugly man behind the curtain is revealed and they have to admit to themselves, and everyone else, that the Wizard of Oz wasn't as powerful and wonderful as he first seemed and that it really wasn't worth that journey down the Yellow Brick Road, no matter how many catchy song-and-dance routines there were along the way.
More than anything, they want to protect the Friend from entering the Relationship Disaster Pain Zone ... at any cost.
The Panel's checklist
So what checklist does the Candidate have to score against?
Female People tend to have their own individual lists formed by their own bitter experience, but here is a sample of common criteria:
- Does the Candidate have friends? Real friends? If yes +1 point for each good friend. If all the Candidate has is that one stoner jerkoff who, at 43, still thinks he is going to be a professional surfer, -10 points.
- Is the Candidate's family relatively normal or, if he/she has a difficult background, how has he/she reconciled with it? This isn't necessarily a money or class thing. Marrying into the Kennedy's can be as much of a minefield as marrying into your local trailer trash gang family. Good family background, +20 points. Difficult family -30 points.
- How often does the Candidate compliment the Friend? Too litte = problem: -10 points. Too much = future problem: -20 points. Just right +10 points.
- Can one have a decent conversation with the Candidate? If yes, +10 points. If the Friend is a Harvard graduate and the Candidate asks if Electoral College is a place you go to learn how to be security for ballot boxes, -20 points.
- Does the Candidate have a hobby or interest? Does he/she something to teach the Friend, share with the Friend, give the Friend a new experience of? This does not include sexual stuff. If yes, +20 points. If no -30 points.
- Does the Candidate have a real job? Unless there is money in the bank, "Artist", "Base player" and "Skateboarder" don't count. If yes, + 50 points. If no, -200 points.
- Is the Candidate happy in his/her job? If not, what is he/she doing about it? The Friend needs a partner, not a therapy patient. 10 points +/- depending on the answer.
- Is the Candidate a considerate lover? Yes, the Panel will get to hear the details on that. You can be sure of it. 30 points +/- depending on the answer.
- If the Candidate is totally crap at something, but the Friend loves it, will he/she at least give it a try? A Candidate who refuses to dance with the Friend at a wedding, for example, is highly suspect. 20 points +/- depending on the answer.
- Do the Candidate and the Friend agree on the fundamentals - ambition, no. of children, pets, religion? If not, the PMIP will push for extended negotiation of the position before they feel the Candidate can really fulfill the role. No points - this is a negotiation issue.
- Does the Candidate make the Friend laugh? + 30 points for making the Friend laugh. +50 bonus points if the Candidate makes the PMIP laugh.
- Does the Candidate have a drug/drinking/gambling problem? Points are irrelevant. This is a deal breaker. Every. Frickin'. Time.
- Is the Candidate trying to run the Friend's life? Friends who cancel girl's night because of the Candidate are perceived to be in deep, deep trouble. Again, no point score. Candidate disqualified.
- Does the Candidate have a good relationship with his mother/sisters/women in his/her family? +30 points for yes, -40 points for no. Cliched but true, how the Candidate relates to women = how he/she will relate to the Friend.
- How does the Candidate's take on religion match with the Friend's? One being a non-practising Catholic and the other a devout Jew may be fine now, until a child comes a long and the both want it to embrace the religion they were each brought up in. +/- 40 points depending on the answer.
- Similarly, how do the Candidate's political views match with the Friends? This is another area of potential long term disaster. +/- 30 points depending on the answer.
- What is the Candidate's ex-wife/girlfriend/boyfriend situation? 3 different baby mama's ain't a recipe for relationship success. -100 points for difficult exes. -50 points for exes that are still too damn close. +50 points for a civil, controlled relationship with exes.
- How important is sport to the Candidate vs. the Friend? Every PMIP dreads the Friend being an ESPN/golf/football/whatever widow. If Candidate ignores Friend in neglige when his favorite team is on TV, -100 points. If Candidate and Friend enjoy sports together, +30 points.
- Does the Candidate continually make jokes in public at the expense of the Friend? If yes, this show at best a lack of respect (-50 points) and, at worst, a potential abuser (deal breaker).
- How does the Candidate look at the Friend? The eyes are not, as the House Bunny said, the nipples of the face, but the windows of the soul. If the Candidate dotes on the Friend, and it shows, +100 points.
The Debriefing
Sadly, as noted by Themidlifegals, the debriefing is often where the PMIP falls down.
Sometimes, the interview goes on and on and on and on and the findings are not presented to the Friend until something goes wrong and she is already in the Relationship Disaster Pain Zone.
Brave PMIP's do something about the Candidate way before the threat level is at Deathcon 3.
They either drop little comments, steer conversation, ask probing questions or, at the most extreme level, stage an intervention.
Evidence is presented, concerns are expressed and the PMIP closes around the Friend like a protective wall. Most of all, support for change is offered - anything from a shoulder to cry on through to a place to stay. The power of the PMIP in these circumstances can be a wonderous thing to behold.
Sadly, the power can sometimes be less than the Friend's self-delusion. The Friend may defend against all the evidence provided, cut herself off from the PMIP, and the relationship may continue on it's inevitable way to disaster.
Even in this worst case scenario, the Female Person on the PMIP feels safe in the knowledge that she has done her duty. She looked after the best interests of her Friend, and that is a key part of being a Female Person.
And she likes it that way.