This series is inspired by the blog/book Stuff White People Like.
17: Agressive Cleaning
Female People aren't perfect. If they were, they'd have created government run male prostitution camps, frozen sperm for procreation, killed off the rest of the men and achieved world peace, a sustainable environment and contact with friendly aliens.
But no. All that is yet to come.
In the meantime, Female People struggle with the juggle. Work, play, loved ones and domestic duties. Taking care of all them at once, 24/7. 365.
Male People help around the house these days - they do, let's be honest. In fact, with their strength they make great scrubbers and, with their height, they make great ceiling dusters. But Male People simply don't recognize the key to Aggressive Cleaning - the Dirt Tolerance Threshold.
Sometimes the Dirt Tolerance Threshold is reached simply because things are getting out of hand. The house is just generally getting too dirty - perhaps smelling of the dog. Or a particular dirt-based event can trigger the Threshold warning - one too many pubes visible in the bath, the sun glinting off the dust on the coffee table, a dog hair stuck to the TV remote. Guests or family are often involved. They may be visiting soon, or just have left, and the Female Person realizes the indignity and the silent judgement which has, or will, occur (no, it's never just a possibility - it's a definite). The silent judgement of her. For no matter how progressive we are, and how much Male People help with cleaning, Female People are still held responsible for the cleanliness of the home.
Whatever the cause, the Dirt Tolerance Threshold is reached, cleaning must be done, and the Female Person asks the Male Person for help.
If a Female Person asks a Male Person to vacuum, of course he'll do it - when it fits conveniently into his day.
But if the Female Person has reached the Dirt Tolerance Threshold then there is a vital element missing from the communication. When she asked for help she asked nicely, using a soft tone and sweet words. But what she meant was:
"I can't stand it anymore! Clean it! NOW!"
And so the hapless Male Person continues typing on his keyboard, or playing his video game, or tinkering in his basement.
The Female Person, meanwhile, is morphing, like The Hulk, into a passive-aggressive 50's housewife. With gritted teeth, she grabs the closest scrubbing brush, duster or household machine she can find and sets to it.
This is cleaning with meaning.
Whatever she is doing, the Male Person will be able to hear it. There will be sighing, banging, squeaking, clanging.
Any door moved to enable dusting will be slammed. Any tap turned on will be set to full blast, the water spurting out with an indignant Whoosh! Any glasses or cups gathered from the living room will be severely clinked.
The key weapon in Aggressive Cleaning arsenal is, of course, the vacuum cleaner. There are so many message-sending noises the Female Person can make with it:
- Drag it out of wherever it is kept with as much noise as possible
- Sigh while bending over to plug it in
- Go back and forth over one spot many times, allowing for maximum vrrrroooooo-vrrrooooo
- Bang vacuum cleaner on walls
- Clean spot right next to Male Person - right outside his study, for instance - again and again
- Switch off vacuum cleaner on other side of room, sneak up to door of Male Person's study, and FIRE it up again
- Move furniture very noisily while vacuuming around it
- Cough repeatedly due to displaced dust
- Chase dog into Male Person's study with vacuum
- Purposely vacuum up something solid - like a piece of dog's kibble - so vacuum will make noise like it's dying and Male Person will visualize little dollar signs disappearing in poofs! in front of his eyes
Eventually the Male Person will come out, waving a white flag. Not literally of course. The white flag can take the form of a hug, making the Female Person tea, or picking up some shoes and jackets that are still lying around the house (assuming they haven't already been sucked up by the vacuum).
Peace is made, and full on war is averted.
Until, of course, the Dirt Tolerance Threshold is reached again...