Beware of Lil' Miss Congeniality, for she is not what she seems.
It's easy to be fooled by her, I know. After all, she's so sweet and bubbly and smiley and perky and she laughs, laughs, laughs all the time because - presumably - she is so very, very, very happy.
Miss Congeniality comes from the midwest of the United States.
Now, maybe you think I'm being unfair. After all, surely all the Workplace Personalities that I have described in this blog could come from, and be found in, any country in the world.
Well, here's the thing. I just don't believe that any other country on our little planet has as big a swath of land populated by as many down home, God-fearin' folks waving as many red, white and blue flags in their yards as the United States of Ah-mehr-ee-kah.
And these lands, these people and their God breed some very particular kinds of people.
And then those people come to the Big City.
And then they get a job in a Big Company.
And they have to figure out how to survive in a world of sushi and opera and Democrats and meetings and networking and office politicking.
They're in a strange land.
Gay people are out in the open, teams gather over cocktails at Happy Hour, colleagues quote Rachel Maddow and Keith Olbermann openly over the water cooler and nobody - nobody! - ever starts a gathering of any kind with a prayer.
And so Lil' Miss Congeniality, she finds a way - for we are a strong people, Lord, and we always find a way - to function, to cope, even to thrive. And, most of all, a way to hack people down with a sweetie pie smile and walk, head held high with absolute decorum, over their bodies to the top of the ladder.
Now why, I hear you ask, is this workplace personality necessarily a "Miss"? Why a woman?
The answer is simple: Lil' Miss Congeniality is a product of her upbringing.
Yes, we've come a long way, Baby, but women still have a long, long way to go. With each generation we have tried to shed our shackles but here we are in the Noughties, and we find ourselves, as Senator Kirstin Gillibrand said recently:
"... literally fighting the same battles of our mothers and our grandmothers."
Knowing your Value special edition of Morning Joe on MSNBC
And so, even though she was born in the 60s, or 70s, or even 80s, Lil' Miss Congeniality has, immediately after exiting the womb, been warned off taking risks, brought up to be task driven rather than strategic and taught that she should be a nice, polite, sweet little girl. Because that's how you get rewarded, and that's how you get attention.
Of course, you can also attract attention through your sexuality, but that would make you a slut, and we all know how that ends, don't we?
And so we end up with a monster cunningly disguised as a charming lady.
Key signs:
- Tinkling laughter
- Long hair - either prom or pageant queen style
- Home baked goods brought into the office
- Wearing pastels
- Constantly interrupting you
- Long stories holding you captive at your desk in a fake show of bonding
- Disguised put downs
This last key sign is the is kicker. It can be very hard to spot. But it's the one thing that you need to watch out for, because it's the peek behind the mask to the evil beneath.
Remember, Lil' Miss Congeniality will stab you in the back with a winning, whiter than white smile. She was taught to rub Vaseline on her teeth to force her to hold that picture perfect grin, so looking friendly while she slits your carotid artery is child's play to her.
So watch carefully for:
- Sentences that, on first hearing them, sound like a compliment but aren't, always followed by the tinkly laugh:
"My goodness you type our meeting minutes so fast! Are you sure you're not the queen of the admins? Tee hee hee hee hee hee!"
- Undermining you in front of others, followed by a tinkly laugh e.g. after you've sent feedback on a colleague's document that he sent to the team for review, announcing across the cube farm:
"I just saw the feedback email from [insert your name here] and I was just thinking that you've probably had just about enough feedback on that report now, haven't you Steve? Tee hee hee hee hee hee!"
Here's the very worst thing about Lil' Miss Congeniality. She is the most vile perpetrator of anti-female sexism, because she freely undermines other women in the workplace.
Catch phrase: Tee hee hee hee hee hee!
Your Strategy:
Don't work with her if at all possible. Do you think you're capable of becoming a snake charmer without being bitten? Exactly! Get away from her.
Their comeuppance:
It's unlikely to happen. People are generally fooled by her down home saccharine and consider her to be a darling little country girl.
To read more in the Workplace Personalities series, click here.
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