Ittybittycrazy

Like Lil Miss Congeniality, the Paper Flower is always a woman in the workplace. Why a woman? Well, for the same reasons Lil Miss Congeniality is always a woman. The Paper Flower is the product of years (a minimum of 18 years) of indoctrination.

Unlike boys, who are taught to be strong, to confidently clarify requirements for the task at hand, and to have a sense of entitlement, she has been taught that she has to make herself attractive to get attention and to get what she wants.

The attractive part, though, isn't just about physical appearance. Once she enters the workplace and is confronted with the reality of being expected to actually get things done, she transfers the skill to a sense of needing to always seem capable.

And so you'll ask the Paper Flower to do something, and she will never, ever refuse. She will never ask clarifying questions and, most of all, she will never, ever admit that she needs help, let alone that the task is beyond her capabilities.

And so, overwhelmed by something she does not know how to do, and has no experience of, she does four things:

She delays
She ignores assistance
She turns to Google
She hides her work in progress

The fourth coping mechanism means, of course, that there is no way you can help her. She won't ask for help and she won't let you see her work because you may then realize, on your own, that she needs help.

The third ensures that she won't take any coaching from you even if you give it before your realize how crap she is, because that would also be an admission of her lack of capability. Your emails which contain guidance on the task are steadfastly ignored.

The second coping mechanism results in her spewing TLAs* and buzzwords which, in the context of the sentence that contains them, are just slightly left of center of how they ought to be used.

This is the only way you can confirm that you are dealing with a Paper Flower. All the other habits described above can make you suspicious, but once she's in a meeting and says something that really shows ignorance of the root concept at hand, you've got her bang to rights.**

And that's when you see it.

The pretty flower isn't real. What seemed like a strong stem is a thin dowel rod, the petals are expertly folded origami and, if you wanted to, all you need to do is stretch out your hand and you could crush this little flower in seconds.

But, of course, you're in a professional workplace, so you can't destroy her.

And so you suffer her on your project, knowing that her first coping mechanism is going to compromise your deadline, her second and third coping mechanisms are going to compromise your quality, and her fourth coping mechanism is going to ensure that you cannot mitigate any of it.

You also can't dob her in*** to her boss, because her tactics are so shrouded that you have very little evidence to support a request to have her removed.

Key signs:

Volunteers for any task
Once the task has begun, radio silence
Any advice you give is ignored
TLAs and buzzwords used excessively and incorrectly

Catch phrase: Sure, I can do that!

Your Strategy:

What to do? Frankly, I wish I knew. If you have any advice, let me know

Their comeuppance:

The only way I think The Paper Flower will start to wilt of her own accord is when deadlines are passed and she has to present her work to her peers or management. Trouble is, if her work is part of your project, you're going down too.

*Three Letter Acronyms

** To have enough proof to show that someone has done something wrong e.g. "I was driving way above the speed limit and the police radar caught me bang to rights"

*** Inform on her

For more in the Workplace Personalities series, click here.

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