Workplace Personalities - The Tank
Monday, December 27, 2010 at 7:00PM 
The Tank is a lot like The Arsonist, just more visible.
Did I say visible? That's an understatement. The Tank can't be missed, can't be ignored, can't be escaped. Just like on the battlefield, the Tank is utterly petrifying.
The Tank may or may not be physically imposing, but often is. Tall, or wide, or both. The Tank can barge through anything in it's way. God help you if you are between the Tank and the elevator doors when it's late for a meeting. You'll be squished to a pulp.
But the physical threat is not the worst of it.
The Tank can only see through his point of view. All it sees is where it's going, its target. If you are in the way, and smaller than it is (and let's face it most of us are), it is going to roll right over your career with its caterpillar tracks.
The Tank isn't as important as it thinks it is - after all, it's just one piece of artillery in the company arsenal - but it's all-terrain, it comes fully loaded, and it bloody well knows it.
The Tank has always been there. Leonardo Da Vinci drew one. H. G. Wells wrote about one. Joseph Hawker patented one in 1872.
The Tank has fought and come through all the major wars. Sure, they can come up with stealth bombers, nuclear submarines... so what? When it comes to the battlefield, when we are one on one with the enemy, they always bring in the fucking Tank.
It's outer shell is impenetrable, it's progress is assured, and nothing can stand in it's way.
The Tank.
The fucking, shitty, unstoppable Tank.
That cannon on the front. You know it's there to make up for a deficiency in the wiener department, but that doesn't change the fact that it can blow your head off. So laugh and mock it all you want - in your head.
Because just try and say anything out loud, to one of your colleagues (even in jest) against the Tank and you'll find out that everyone is terrified of it, and they'll tell you, furtively stealing glances to make sure they aren't being watched, that the Tank may be a little rough and ready, it might knock over a few promising things as it bumbles along, but that we need the Tank, really, really we do.
Why the fear?
Surely the rest of us outnumber the Tank. We could swarm it, overtake it. Right? Right?
Sadly, no.
Because, you see, the Tank has always been here, and it knows. The Tank knows the terrain. The Tank can climb hills, cross dales, ford streams. The Tank has been called upon by the generals and, time and time again, the Tank has won battles for them. Sure, there was collateral damage, but the Tank got the brass what they wanted, and it knows where the bodies are buried.
So it's no use complaining to the higher ups. They'll defend the Tank.
There always has been, and there always will be, the Tank.
So what to do?
You can't make friends with a Tank. Impenetrable exterior, remember?
I mean, come on! Have you ever seen anyone petting a tank?
Nope.
You can't outrun the Tank. Sure, it's slow. Yes, it kinda lumbers along. But it always gets there, doesn't it? It always gets there in the end.
And when it catches up to you, you're going down, baby.
You can't face it down, either. Good luck trying.
I think we all know what happened to this guy:
And so all you can do is stay the hell out of it's way.
The tank only has those little slats to see through, so if you duck low enough, and dive to the right or left, it might just roll on by without noticing you. Try to fight in a different part of the battlefield, a part where you have the chance to seek glory, to get the gold star.
Let the Tank lumber on. Let it crush. Let it mame. There's nothing you could've done for those people anyway.
Save yourself.
Key signs:
- Relentless progress
- Strategic advances, always gaining political ground
- Ruthless
- Crushing
Catch phrase: There isn't one. That'd mean you'd see him coming.
Your strategy: Hide.
Their comeuppance:
They won't have a comeuppance as such but, in a workplace that is moving more towards collaboration, they will become obsolete in the end.
For more in the Workplace Personalities series, click here. The others are funnier, I promise. I'm just not in a happy mood right now. I got squished by a Tank.
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Reader Comments (4)
Squished by the tank....extreme dislike. I think I've figured out which one is the tank at my husbands new job...the good news? The tank reports to him (my husband).
Yup. It's official. You were right. Hell is other people.
@Booshy
If the Tank I know reported to me I'd be suicidal within 2 months.
I have no idea how his boss bears it. I can only imagine he is a) on Valium b) on Xanax or c) smokes copious amounts of pot every night.
@Liz
Yeap. You can't choose your family. You can't choose you co workers. So I guess it's vital to choose your partner and your friends well, because they are your only respite.