He Said She Said - Ruining Christmas Carols

 

It was New Year's Day.  They had spent the night before in their PJ's, on the couch, watching DVDs and eating pizza and ice cream.  

It was 11:30 when she brushed her teeth and joined him in the living room.

"Do you think the little drummer boy was offering to masturbate for the baby Jesus?" she said.

"WHAT?" he said.

"The little drummer boy.  You know..." She began to sing.  

"Shall I play for you, parapa-pum-pum.... Oh-ohn my drummmmmmm.

"You are sick" he said.

"All right all right, let's get into the real spirit of the season."  She took a deep breath and started to sing again, close to the right key, but not quite there.

"Good king Wenceslas looked down.... On the feast of Stephen.... Then they brought the pizza round.... Deep pan, crisp and even..."

"But the cheese was kinda lean..." he joined in, "Which was quite annoying..."

"Oh, I definitely want to see you find a way to rhyme 'annoying'!" she said.

"I-hi wanted much more cheese, even though it'd be cloyyyyy-iiiiing!"

"Very good!" she laughed, clapping.

"Happy New Year," he grinned.

"Happy New Year, my love," she smiled back, and kissed him.

"So, what's for breakfast?" she asked.

"Well, there is a bagel left," he replied.

"Yes, but we have no cream cheese or peanut butter left."

"Well, you can use the roule," he suggested, as she walked to the kitchen

"Ah, yes, one of three," she said, opening the fridge.  

As she opened the box, which had two creamy cheeses independently packaged, she asked:  "Why did you buy three of these?  I don't get it.  There are only two of us.  Did we need three?"

"It was the same price as buying one at the supermarket.  That's how Costco does it, you know that."

"Yes, but did we NEED three?"

"It was the same price as buying ONE at the supermarket!"

She pressed the toaster button and came back through to the living room, hands on hips, and said:  "OK, Honey, maybe I get this.  It's sort of like when I see a pair of boots for 60% off and, even though I don't need boots right at that moment, I buy them because they are on sale."

"It's not the same at ALL!" he said.  "You don't NEED the boots, and you SHOULDN'T buy the boots.  We both get to eat the cheese."

"OK, number one:  You get to see me in nice boots, so we both benefit.  Number two:  The boots last WAAAAY longer than the cheese!"

"It's not the same at all!"

"Yes it is.  We didn't need three of the same cheese."

"You don't need more pairs of boots!"

"See? It's the same."

"Boots cost way more than cheese!" he said, trying a different tack.

"Boots LAST way more time than cheese.  AND they don't make you fat!"

"Yes, but if you get fat they won't fit you."

"Your shoe size doesn't change!" she snapped.  "Everyone is skinny when it comes to shoes!"

"Well, every one of the three roules will be tasty."

"I think you need to spend time thinking about whether the Little Drummer Boy is pornographic!" she said, turning to head back to the kitchen.  "I'm going to make my bagel!"

"No!" he yelled after her.  "Not fair!  You can't win this by distracting me by ruining a Christmas Carol!"

"Too late!" she yelled back, taking the hot bagel out of the toaster.  She leaned sideways to stick her head around the corner of the kitchen door.

"PARAPA-PUM-PUM!" she yelled.

To read more in the He Said She Said series, click the category link on the left.