He Said She Said - A scary moment

They were catching up on episodes of the first season of Drop Dead Diva.  

She was watching intently.

He was half watching - creating a new presentation on his laptop.

The heroine, Jane, had just taken her coffee and morning donut from her secretary and walked into her office, taking a massive bite from the donut.  Jane turned to see her colleague/love interest (it's complicated) asking her a question.  Jane panicked, and threw the rest of the donut into her bag.

"AAAAAAARGH!" she screamed, making him jump ten feet in the air.

"What?  What?" he asked, panicked.

"She... she put a sticky donut in her bag!"

He looked up at the TV, assessing the situation.

"It's OK, honey," he said, patting her arm.  "It's a stunt donut."

She looked at him, dragging her horrified gaze from the screen.

"Yes," he said, on a roll now, "it was a stunt donut and a stunt bag.  A cheap knock off.  Everything is OH-KAY.   Take a deep breath.  No Vuitton was harmed in the making of this program."

She sighed, turned back to the TV, and all was well with the world again.

He Said She Said - Watching trashy movies

 

He was watching House Bunny, a movie she'd already seen, and recommended as trashy, fun, silly no-brain hour and a half of fun.

"She's going to make the geek sorority over, isn't she?" he asked.

"Just watch." she said.

He kept watching.

"They're going to throw a killer party and get all the rush girls to come, aren't they?" he asked.

"Just watch!" she said.

He watched for a few more minutes.

"How did they get the money to set up a volcano in their back yard?" he asked.

"It doesn't matter.  It's magic.  Whatever.  Just watch." she said.

There were a few more minutes of just the sound of the movie.  Then...

"The geek girls are becoming bitches, like the sorority they hated, aren't they?" he asked.

"Yes!  Now shhh!" she said.

About ten minutes passed.

"So there's going to be one of those confrontations where someone has to make an emotional speech, isn't there?" he asked.

"OH MY GOD!  This isn't Shakespeare!  Just enjoy the tight asses and perky boobs and fake blonde hair and the silliness of it all!  JUST WATCH!"

"But it's so obvious!"

"EVERY TIME YOU ASK A SILLY QUESTION OR MAKE A PREDICTION I AM GOING TO REWIND AND MAKE YOU WATCH IT AGAIN!  EVERY.  FRIKIN'. TIME!"

"Everything is going to work out OK in the end, isn't it?"

"How come something life threatening always happens on the spaceship?  Why does the rope always snap on the outside-the-ship-walky-thingy?  How come the bad alien always manages to shoot through the protective shields?  How come all the aliens are humanoid, or lizardy?  How is it possible that all alien cultures speak English?  HUH?  HUH?  HOW COME?"

"OK!  OK!" he squealed.  "I'll just watch!"

"Andgo buy me a latte!" she screeched.

"Yes, Honey.  I'll go buy you a latte, OK?  As soon as they save the sorority, as soon as she gets her sweet boyfriend back, as soon as the bitch sorority get their comeuppance and as soon as the movie shows them having their celebratory party with some cute little hip hop song."

"AAAAAAAAAAARGH!"

He Said She Said - Quality time

 

They were watching TV.

Something was chasing the hero and his sidekick through the forest.

"Omigod, this is stupid," she said.

The sidekick tripped and fell.

"Well that's original!" she quipped.

At the last minute, the hero dragged his sidekick to safety.

"Screw this," she said, getting up from the couch, "I'm going to clean up the dishes."

She stomped off to the kitchen.  There was a lot of clanging and slooshing as she loaded the dishwasher, washed the pots and cleaned the counter tops.

She came back and sat down.

"Where the hell is he going?" she asked.

He sighed.

"He has to go to the magical island to save the prince," he said.

"Why?" she asked.

"To get a cure," he said.

They watched, for a few minutes, in silence.

Then the beast was revealed.

"ARGH!" she screamed.  "You didn't tell me this was going to be scary."

"It's just a TV show, Honey," he said in a placating tone.

The show continued.

"How do we know the cure will work, anyway?" she asked.

"The African wizard told him," he said.

"What wizard?" she asked.

"Do you want me to REWIND the show?" he asked, his voice rising with impatience.

"No," she said quietly.

There was a short pause.

"Oh puh-leeeez," she smirked.  "Like there were African wizards in Medieval England!"

"HONEY!" he yelled.

"What?" she squealed.  "You always say I don't sit with you and watch your shows!  I'm sitting, I'm watching!"

"Just... SSSH!" he hissed.

They kept watching.

"This is stupid, anyway," she mumbled.

He heaved a very long, very deep, sigh.

He Said She Said - Porn Moment

 

An email had come through to both of them from their landlord, asking them to let the handy man in that Friday to fix some radiators.

She positioned herself in his office doorway, one arm up the door jamb, left knee forward, left toes pointed and just brushing the floor, chest out, body draping stripper-style.

"Soooooo," she hissed.  "The repair man is coming.  Maybe he'll be wearing overalls rolled down at the waist, and a vest, and be all sweaty."

"What?" he said, looking up from his PC.

He paused when he saw her. 

She had his full attention.

"Yessssss," she hissed.  "He's coming to fix the pipes, to make sure there's...." she bent over and jutted out her lower lip... "HEAT!"

"Do you think he'll bring a tool?" he giggled.

"Oh, yesss," she hissed again, teetering a little to the left as she lost her balance.

"Well I better make sure I'm home then, just to make sure there's no funny business!" he said.

Then they both noticed how confused the dog looked, lying on the floor next to him, staring up at his hissing, teetering, strange Mama who, presumably, had some kind of lip injury.

And they laughed.

To read more in this series, click here.

He Said She Said - Dinner time

 

He flopped onto the couch.

"Oof!" he said.  "I think I need to take a little break from the PC."

She mumbled something.

"What was that, dear?" he asked.

"You could take a break in the kitchen," she whined.

"Is someone hungry?" he whined back, mocking her raspy, high voice.

"Shh!" she hissed.   "Listen!"

There was a pause.

"Did you hear it?" she asked.

"Hear what?" he said.

"My stomach!  Listen - there it goes again!"

"What's wrong with your tummy?" he fake-whined again.

"It's GROWLING!"

He took the tone of a parent, desperately trying to maintain their patience with a naughty child.

"Ask me nicely..."

"Pleeeease go coooook..."

"OK, then," he said, but he didn't move.

She stood up and leaned over him, pulling a threatening face and making her hands into claws.

"DON'T MAKE ME TICKLE YOU!" she yelled.

The dog barked, not understanding why he suddenly leapt up and sprinted to the kitchen.

Soon, the smell of frying onions wafted over to the living room.

She smiled.

To read more in this series, click here.

He said She said - Infidelity?

 

"Morning, Honey," he yawned

"Fuck off!" she said.

"Well, someone got out of bed the farty side this morning!  What's wrong?"

"We were at a big wedding.  We were in the wedding party. There were so many people that they put boys and girls in bunk beds in separate rooms.  You got really drunk at the wedding.  Then, in the middle of the night I hear this noise.  I peak into the boy's room and there you are, being fucked by some small guy called NJ and you are shouting out his name and everyone is awake and watching you. And then the next day I have to go to breakfast in the hotel with the rest of the wedding party and I am so humiliated!"

He paused, then took a very, very deep breath. 

"Honey," he said softly, "it was-" his voice rose (he couldn't help himself) "-a DREAM!"

"It was very vivid!" she sniffed.

He wrestled her to the couch, dragged a blanket over them and cuddled her. 

"It was a dream...." he soothed.

They lay there a while, warm and cosy.

"Who is NJ anyway?" he whispered.

"I have no idea," she said, "but I'd like to know what he has that I don't!"

He thought about the fact that, if he had been gay, the answer to that question would've been pretty damn obvious, but he decided not to go there.

Much, much safer that way.

He kept hugging her for a few minutes, then got up.

"I have to get some coffee," he said.

"Oh fine!" she snapped.  "Off you go then!  ADULTERER!"

To read more in this series, click here.

He said, She said - Whisky vs. Shoes

"Honey," he said, "you have to come get me, the other car won't start."

"OK," she said.  Then: "Why don't I just pick up what you need on my way home?"

"No, I need some alcohol to take with me this weekend.  I don't know what I want.... (pause).  Actually, I'll probably get some whisky."

"Well I can get you that."

"Honey, I have to choose the one I want.  That's like you sending me to buy you a pair of shoes!"

"AAAARGH!  I see your point!" she said.  "I'm on my way!"

To read more in this series, click here.

He Said She Said - Sawing Wood

 

"Did I snore last night?" he asked.  "My throat is sore."

"I don't know," she said, "But I kept waking up, and that might explain why.  I woke up about four or five times, wide awake.  Probably your buzz saw."

"You were snoring too, you know!"  he countered.  "I had to ask you to turn over!"

"I think you dreamt that," she snorted.

"Did not!  You snore!"

"No you snore!"

"You snore!"

"You do!"

Yep, it was going to be one of those days.

To read more in this series, click here.

He Said She Said - The Fashion Police

   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They were driving through downtown.  

"I have to talk to that girl on the sidewalk," she said as they were stopped at a red traffic light.

"Why?  Do you know her?"  he said.

"No, but she's wearing a yellow mini skirt, fluorescent pink leggings and gold trainers.  Someone has to tell her how wrong that is.  She has to be stopped - immediately."

Pause.

"Why can't I wind down the window?" she asked, pressing the little button frantically.

"I've locked them," he said.

"But I have to tell her!" she screeched.

"No, you don't," he said, pulling away when the light turned green.

The journey continued.  It was a sunny Friday afternoon.  People were leaving work, happy to start their weekends.  Traffic was horrific.

"Pull over and stop the car!" she yelled.

He sighed.  

"Why?" he asked.

"I have to run back a block!"

"Why?" he asked.

"There is a woman with fat thighs wearing shorts and gold gladiator sandals up to her mid calf!"

"I cant pull over in this traffic, Honey," he said, placating.

"Please stop!  I have to smack her!"

"Honey, this is America.  You'll get sued."

"But she came out in public!  She made me see that!  My eyes!  My eyes!"

"Honey, we're nearly there.  You can have a glass of wine with your friends and talk Fashion Police, OK?"

"OK," she said.

 

 

To read more in this series, click here.

 

He Said She Said - Let there be light

 

 

 

 

"Honey," she called from the kitchen, "I HATE these lightbulbs!"

"What's wrong?" he asked, walking towards her from the lounge.

"They're TOO DIM!" she said

"They are?"

"Yes!  I can't see anything in here!"

"They're special energy saving lightbulbs," he said.  "Sometimes they have to warm up."

"They've been on fifteen minutes!"

"Hmmmmm," he said.

"Look at this, it's like being in a cave!"

"But honey, they are green and look after the earth and save us money.  They're LOW ENERGY lightbulbs!"

"I KNOW!" she screeched.  "They're the SLOTH OF LIGHTBULBS!"

To read more in this series, click here.

 

He Said She Said - Spicy Ricy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Her phone rang.  It was him.

"Hello my darling," she said.

"Honey," he said, "was there anything you wanted to tell me before you left the house?"

She racked her brain.

 

What had she forgotten?

 

Was there a piece of important snail mail she should have given him?

 

Had he somehow found her amusing birthday card stash months before it was time?

 

Did someone come to the house who was invited to dinner and she'd forgotten to tell him?

 

Nope.  Nothing.  She gave up.

"What didn't I tell you, honey?" she simpered.

"Um - that you had left rice on the stove?"

"Ooooooooh shit.  Did you find it?"

"Yes, when I smelt smoke."

"NO! Was it on fire?"

"Almost.  I had to take it out into the yard."

"Why didn't Puppy Dog warn you?" she asked, trying desperately to turn this into something funny.

"That's a good point!" he said, playing the game.  He spoke away from his phone.  "Puppy Dog, why didn't you warn me there was a child stuck in a well and the rice was on fire?"

Incredibly relieved, she laughed.

 

To read more in this series, click here.

  

He Said She Said - Makin' bacon

"Breakfast!" he said.

"Mmmmm," she said, from bed.

A few minutes later, he stomped through to the bedroom.

"Honey, was there dishwashing soap on the grill pan?"

"Hmm?" she mumbled, trying to wake up.

"Was there dishwashing soap on the grill pan?"

 

"Um... yes.  I was letting the grease loosen so I could wash it easily."

"Why would you leave soap on the grill pan?" he said, exasperated.

"What did you cook?

"Bacon!" he wailed.  "I made bacon sandwiches!  If you have soap on the grill pan, why don't you put it in the sink?"

"Why would you cook on a dirty grill pan?  That's disgusting."

"It didn't look that dirty!"   

"I'm sorry," she said, knowing how much a bacon sandwich in the morning means to an Englishman.

Placated, he stomped off to his study.  

  

Taking a few minutes before getting up, she rolled around and stretched.  He stomped to the bathroom, every step accentuated on the wooden floors.  She heard him spit twice then rinse with mouthwash, garling loudly.

  

And that's when she realized that the whole thing was actually quite funny.

  

She heaved herself out of bed, took her happy pill, brushed her teeth and went through to his office giving him a hug as he sat at his computer.

  

He looked doleful.  She was smirking.  He looked up at her, quizzically.

  

"Can I laugh about this yet," she asked, giggling,  "or is it too soon?" 

  

I won't repeat what he said.

 

 

To read more in this series, click here.

  

He said She said

"What do you see?" she said, holding up the packaging from a USB humping dog bought for them by the ever-hilarious Bill.

" 'USB meets love'," he said, quoting the packaging strapline.

"No, what else?" she said.

"Green fields and funny flowers," he said, describing the stylized design.

"No, what else?" she said.

There was a pause.

"BOOBIES!" he yelled, finally noticing that the pink hills at the top of the stylized field of flowers happened to have darker pink protruding mountaintops.

"When I asked N, a friend of ours who happens to be over 10 years younger than us, he saw them right away!" she shrieked.

"No fair!" he said.  "I was looking from the bottom up!"

"Yeah," she said, "right."

To read more in this series, click here.

He said, She said - Obey!

 

They were watching the Grey's Anatomy big wedding finale. Izzie was berating Shepherd about writing his vows for Meredith and told him that it was very important because his future wife would remember what he said for the rest of her life.

She said: "I have no memory of what we said to each other on our wedding day!"

He said: "I remember. I'm sure you said you'd obey."

She laughed till she cried.

To read more in this series, click here.

He said She said - Park lark

They drove along the edge of the park.

"Nice camera," she said, noticing a woman emerging from between the trees with two massive Nikon's around her neck.

"Hmm," he said. "A woman comes out of the bushes with two people following her, rearranging their clothes. They've been taking naughy photos!"

"Really?" she squealed, flipping her head 180 degrees Regan-style to peer out the rear window.

"No," he said. "I'm just adding a narrative to life to make life more interesting."

To read more in this series, click here.

He said She said - Baking bad

"The banana bread's ready!" she yelled from the kitchen.

 She pointed to the chopping board.

 He picked some up and put it in his mouth.

 "I made some substitutions to the recipe..." she cautioned.

 She watched his expression. 

"I know what you're thinking," she said.

 "What?" he asked.

 "You're thinking 'That was a banana I could have had on my cereal tomorrow morning'."

 "Nope," he said. "I was just wondering what substitutions you made-"

 As she opened her mouth to answer, he interrupted. 

"- so that you can remember not to make them again." 

She smacked his shoulder, and he fed the rest of his slice to the dog.

To read more in this series, click here.

He said She said - Brown paper packages

"Honey," he said, "another package has arrived for you."

"Oh good! My shoes!" she shrieked.

"Um, Honey?" he ventured.

"Yes?"

"How many things have you bought?"

"What are you talking about?" she bristled.

"Well, there seem to be a lot of packages arriving..." his voice faded away as he saw her face contort. Here it comes, he thought...

"Listen!" she half-said, half-yelled. "You told me to buy something for myself. So here's what happened. First I bought myself a few T-shirts from Threadless, on sale. They you said-" she put on a high voice- "that I should buy myself something bigger. And it suddenly came out that you bought a $300 Kindle. SO. I went online and got some books from Amazon. Then I went online and bought some new trainers cos we are working out a lot and mine are shot to hell. But then they came, and they were the wrong size. So I sent them back. Then, because I had bought books on Amazon, I got an email about a sale at a partner shoe shop. So I bought some flat shoes. Then, because I had bought in the Threadless sale, they sent me an email to say that the sale was extended and there were new designs. So I bought a few more T-shirts and, remember, I also bought you one. Then I got my refund from the trainers and so went online an ordered the right size and then thought, while I was there, I might as well get some walking shoes for when we walk Puppy Dog because my trainers keep getting muddy. So I ordered those too. And they didn't even have the trainers in the color I wanted in the size I wanted so I had to go with my second choice and when I went to training yesterday with Silent Evil and she had been to Nordstrom and got the same trainers as me but in the color I wanted and I hadn't even let myself go to Nordstrom because I spend too much money when I go there but I guess I should've because they had what I really wanted so I'm really pissed off SO DO YOU REALLY WANT TO START THIS NOW!?!?!"

"Can I make you a cup of tea, Honey?" he said.

To read more in this series, click here.

He said She said - Boy toys

"The keyboard for the TV media center is broken," he said.

"So use the spare one we have," she said.

"I can't. It's not wireless," he said. "I have to go to Fry's."

And he was gone.

He came back, excited. 

"Honey! Come look at this!" he yelled from the front door.

"If all you bought was a keyboard, why should I come look at it?" she yelled back.

"You have to see this keyboard!"

"Uh-oh..." she thought.

"See? It's black and pretty and it has this little round mousepad thing on the side and it has this slidey thing here for volume control and it has this stand so it can stand up here and not take up room. Isn't that cool?"

"Yeah, it looks great," she said.

Pause. 

"How much was it?"

"Honey, it has this cool volume slidey thing. Try it!"

"How much was it?"

"It's one of the best ones there is!"

"How much?"

"Only $150.."

"Please excuse me," she said. "I have to go internet shopping. Mama gonna get her some shoes.."

To read more in this series, click here.

He said She said - Money madness

"Buy yourself something nice, something you don't need," he said.

"OK, I'll go online," she said.

"What are you getting?" he asked.

"Some T-shirts from Threadless," I said. "They have a sale on."

"No! No!" he protested. "You should get yourself something better than that."

"What?  Wait.  What have you bought?" I asked.

"I just think you should have something nice," he simpered.

"WHAT. HAVE. YOU. BOUGHT?"

"Um... a Kindle."

"Oh, Mama's goin' shawpeeng nah!" she yelled, tapping frantically.

To read more in this series, click here.