He Said She Said - Lazy Sunday

 

He was digging under the couch cushions.

"Where's my phone?" he asked.

"I dunno," she said.

"But, Honey!" he said.  "You're the woman, you're supposed to know these things!"

"Fuck off, Darling," she said.

Later...

They were watching an ad for a product from KY, which enhances the female experience.

"Maybe we should get some of that," she said.

"I thought they only made that kind of stuff for men," he said.

"Fuck off, Darling," she said.

Later...

They were watching Mythbusters, a TV show where geeks try to prove or disprove Hollywood myths, like whether McGyver can get out of a locked room using chewing gum, mouthwash and a coat hanger.

"You're watching this Mythbusters marathon to get back at me for Project Runway and Real Housewives of Atlanta, aren't you?" she asked.

"Actually," he said, passing her the TV remote, "I'm sick of it.  You choose something to watch."

"Holy shit!" she said.  "There is hope!"

He Said She Said - Waterproofing

"I think I broke the scale," he said.

"The small scale we use for weighing food?" she asked.

 "Yes."

"But we just got a new battery for it!  We just got to start using it again!"

"I know!" he said, getting annoyed.

"How did you break it?" she asked.

"I thought it was waterproof!"  He was drying the scale with a kitchen towel, rubbing vigorously.

"Wait.  You what?"

"I ran it under the tap to clean it..."  he said, opening the battery compartment, taking the battering out and blowing on it.

"You what?!"

"It's a kitchen scale!"  

"Are you kidding me?"

"You use it in the kitchen!  It's supposed to be waterproof!" he wailed.

"Why?  Because it rains in the kitchen?"  She started to laugh.  "Because people like to cook in their pools?"

"Stop it!" 

"Never mind, honey, I'm sure it'll be fine..."

She walked out of the kitchen, giggling.

He Said She Said - Black Friday

For those of you outside the US, Black Friday is a day of major sales after Thanksgiving where people queue up in the early hours of the morning to be the first into the store at 4am, 5am and other times that I firmly believe do not exist and should never been seen.

"I thought you were just going to the laptop repair shop?" she said.

"Well, I was near an Office Max so I went in," he said.

"On Black Friday? Are you nuts?"

"It was 3pm!  Most of the people were gone by then.  And look what I got!"

"What the hell is that?"

"It's a Label Maker!" he said, excited.

"They still make those?  Why the hell did you get it?"

"They were practically giving it away," he said.

"So what?  We don't need it," she countered.

"But they were giving it away," he said.

"OK," she said, "let's just agree to disagree on this one."

"OK....." he said, bemused.

Later, he saw it...

He Said She Said - SALE!

 

"So... the puppy gets us up at 5:45am every morning, right?" she asked.

"Yeeeeeeessss..." he said, warily.

"Well, I was thinking..."

"Yes?" he asked, his voice showing real concern now.

"Maybe we should take part in this Black Friday Thanksgiving Sale thing, get up early and head out to Ikea and get a new dining room set."

"WHY?"

Of all the stores in the world, he hated Ikea most.  

She started to giggle.  

He got the joke.

"Don't DO that to me!" he wailed.

He Said She Said - Unnecessary anxiety

 

"Oh my GOD!" she yelled.

"What?" he said.

"Puppy Girl's going gray!  She's gone gray overnight!" 

"Don't be silly," he said.  "She's 13 weeks old!"

"She has gray around her eyes!  Like gray eyebrows... Look!"

"She probably brushed against something," he said.

"It's around both eyes," she squealed.

"Honey, there must be a reas---"

"Oh my GOD!" she laughed!  "It's YOGHURT!"

"It's wha---"

"I gave her the empty yoghurt container to lick!  She must've shoved her whole head in there and got it on her face!"

"Well, I'm just glad you didn't panic," he said.

"Oh shut up!" she snapped.  "Hold her till I get back with some damp Bounty to wipe it off."

He Said She Said - Toilet tissue

 

She came into the living room, holding some toilet tissue.  

She walked over to him and laid the tissue on his lap, softly, like she was a maid presenting afternoon tea to a Lord.

"What's this?" he asked.

"Toilet tissue," she said.

"I can see that," he said.  "What's it for?"

"It's for you," she said.

"Why?" he asked.

"Why?" she mimicked, her voice rising.  "Because I thought you might want it."

"OK, honey," he said, getting impatient.  "What's going on?"

"Well, I figured these TWO PIECES of toilet tissue must be very important to you.  Because there is NO WAY you would just leave two tiny pieces on just so that you wouldn't have to change the roll, NOW WOULD YOU?"

He tapped viciously on his laptop, ignoring her.

He Said She Said - Sesame Street humor

  

"Success!" she yelled, standing in pouring rain next to the potty area they'd created for the puppy.

"She peed?" he asked, coming to the back door.

"Yep," she said triumphantly, bending over to pick the puppy up and get her inside with minimum mud accompaniment.

"Yay!" he shouted.  Then, to the puppy, in a high voice:  "Good girl!"

"Can you please just wipe her paws for me?" she asked, holding the puppy's legs up towards the towel hanging on a hook in the mud room next to the kitchen door.

"One paw!" he bellowed, taking the towel and wiping.  "WAH HA HA HA HA HA!"

 "Two paw!" he went on, channeling the Count from Sesame Street.  "WAH HA HA HA HA HA!"

"Excellent!" she whispered, starting to giggle, rain dripping off her glasses.

"Three paw!  WAH HA HA HA HA HA!"  They were both laughing.

"FOUR PAW!" he cranked up the volume for his final guffaw.  "WAH HA HA HA HA HA!"

"I don't think she gets it," she snorted.

"Never mind," he said, smiling, "we do."

He Said She Said - Getting all scientificky

  

It was 6:30.  She was awake, because she had to take the puppy out to potty.  It made her grouchy.

"Where's the second bag of bark pieces?  I just nearly slipped on my arse in the mud!" she yelled from the kitchen.

"Where's the what?" he said.

"THE BARK!" she barked.

"With the wood," he yawn-yelled, from bed.

"What?" she said.

"The wood," he said.

"It's not with the wood!" she snapped.  "I've just been there!"

"It is," he yawned, rolling over.

Ten minutes later, she came into the bedroom, stomping in that way that meant only one thing: she was in Housework mode.  

His defense radar bleeped him a subconscious warning.

"It was with the woodpile outside," she huffed.

"I said with the wood.  You just don't listen to me," he grumbled.

It was ON.

"Don't listen?  You're right, I don't listen.  Because I make some innocent comment being proud of the fact that I get the Schrodinger's Cat reference on some silly program on the telly and you launch into a detailed explanation and then blab on about the related Split Ends theory and you go on and on and on and this stupid theory is misleading because it has absolutely no useful advice for hair care and my brain just goes onto standby for it's own self-preservation!"

"Don't play dumb with me," he laughed, pulling her back to bed.  "You get everything I talk about.  And it was the Single Slit theory."

"Disgusting!" she gasped.  "Scientists are obsessed with their penises!"

"I wish you were a scientist, then," he joked, pulling her closer.

"Oh, shut up," she giggled, and the conversation ended.

He Said She Said - Tea for two

 

"Where's my tea?" she said.  "You said you were making me tea!"

"Its on the coffee table!" he said.  "Nice and hot a fresh and steaming!  It's right next to you! Where I put it five minutes ago when I brought it to you!"

"Well," she said, "you obviously didn't bring it to me with enough pomp and ceremony!"

"HAH!"  he yelled, starting to stalk up to her.  "I hereby sentence you to punishment by the TICKLE MONSTER!"

"AAAARGH!" she screamed, and ran.

He Said She Said - Halloween Candy

 

"WHY DID YOU EAT MY CHOCOLATE?" she yelled.

"WHAT?" he yelled back, walking into the kitchen.

"My chocolate."

"What chocolate?"

"The Babe Ruth.  You know I only like the Babe Ruths!  I found the wrapper!"

"Oh, you mean the Star Bar!"

"What?"

"It's the same as a chocolate bar called Star Bar in England."

"Never had it.  Don't care.  Why did you eat one?"

"Well, I wanted to taste it."

"Hmmmph!"

"OK, honey," he said, getting irritated.  "First of all, we are talking about an inch square piece of chocolate.  Second, why did you buy such a big bag of candy?  Third, I thought you specifically bought a pack of chocolates you didn't like.  Fourth, you shouldn't have opened that bag of Halloween candy anyway!"

"First of all, nyah nyah nyah.  Second of all, we were in Costco and we both agreed to get the candy.  Third of all, I did think that I didn't like the chocolate, till I tried them and found I do like chocolate-covered peanuts, caramel, and nougat confusingly named after an iconic baseball player.  Fourth of all, you try not opening a huge bag of chocolate when you are sleep deprived, you've given up smoking,  the baby is chewing your shoes and you need coffee and a chocolate before you kick her across the room!"

"You wouldn't!" he gasped.

"No," she said.  "Of course I wouldn't.  Because I had chocolate to soothe me.  So there!  Now stop eating the Babe Ruths!  They're the only ones I like!"

"I ONLY ATE ONE!"

"OK fine.  Just don't eat anymore."

"Keep this up, and I am going to buy you cigarettes and make you stand outside in the rain till you become nice again."

"I was never nice."

"Oh yeah.  Right."

"You're shit outta luck.  And we're married.  And we're catholic.  So you're stuck with me."

"I'm going to play my video game now," he said.  "I may be some time."

"Here," she said, holding up a bite-sized Snickers, "have a chocolate."

He Said She Said - TMI

 

They walked into the airport terminal.

"Is there a long queue at Security?" she asked.  "Because I have to pee.  That latte on the way here is getting me."

"Don't worry," he reassured her.  "The line isn't long.  And I have to pooh."

"There really is no TMI between married couples, is there?" she said.

"Nope," he said.

They pushed their way through to the shortest line - why do people always go to the first line and not spread out among all the Xray machines? - got through the bureaucracy and headed for the escalator.  He was in front of her, one step below as they glided downwards.

"Guess what?" he said.  "I just did a pre-pooh fart.  And you're my wife and you have to stand in it!  HAH!"

"Oh my God," she said.  "Oh my GOD!"

He Said She Said - IM is love

 

He was on a business trip.  They were on IM, each on their laptop, both in bed.

"My room is tiny," he said.

"Well come home then," she said.  "Our bedroom is just fine."

"LOL," he said.  Then:  "I had some good meetings today."

"Yeah, and some good parties," she said.

"Networking parties are boring.  You know that," he said.

"Oh right.  Except for the one where they flew in that girlie band," she said.

"Honey," he said.  "They were gyrating on stage to an audience of geeks.  Just standing there.  Holding their drinks."

"They didn't even clap along?"

"You can't clap when you are holding a free drink in one hand!"

"You could put the drink down," she said.

"Honey," he said.  "Scroll up.  They were *free* drinks.  You don't let that go."

 "Wow.  You geeks sure do cut loose..."

"Would you rather I cut loose?"

"Hell no!" she said.  "I want you to be on the phone to me when a prostitute approaches you in Barcelona and I want to hear you say No, gracias like last year."

"That was pretty funny."

"No, it wasn't.  It *would* have been funny if you had given me the phone and put it on speaker so I could tell her to fuck off in Spanish."

"Do you know how to say fuck off in Spanish?"

"No.  But I am sure I could have said it in English and she would have got my meaning from the tone of my voice."

"She probably wasn't Spanish anyway.  She was probably Eastern European."

"Irrelevant.  I am sure every prostitute speaks Wife."

 "No doubt," he said.  Then:  "I have to go to sleep.  Early morning."

"I bet you say that to all the girls," she said.

"Ha ha.  Goodnight.  I love you."

"I love you too.  Sleep well.  XXX"

"XXXX  ZZZZZZ"

He Said She Said - Donut

 

"What do you want for dinner?" he said.

"A donut," she said.

"You can't have a donut for dinner," he said.

"Oh, yes I can," she said.

"How about chilli?" he said.

"Chocolate donut," she said.

"We ate a big lunch and we both had rice.  Not chilli, then.  How about soup?  That's healthy," he said.

"Chocolate donut, with coffee," she said.

"OK, honey, I know that today would have been your dad's birthday, but--"

"Chocolate donut, with coffee, then possibly a second donut," she said.

"Honey, you need to break the cycle of comforting yourself with foo--"

"Donut," she said, slowly and quietly.

"OK, it's before 4pm, let's go get you a donut," he said.

"Donut," she said.

He Said She Said - Hangover Breakfast

 

"GET UP!" she yelled. 

"Are you cooking me bacon?" he asked a few minutes later, after the groaning was over and he'd managed to get out of bed.

"Yes I am, but I am pretending that I am cooking it for the poor."

"What?"

"That way, I'm cooking it for someone who deserves it."

"Aw, honey," he whined.  "I said I was sorry.  And I did explain."

"Really?  I don't think 'Ah verr drunk' at 1am before collapsing into bed, is an explanation."

 "We went out after the poker game."

"Who's we?"

"Me and Bob."

"Who's Bob?"

"He was at the poker game."

"Where did you go?"

"Just some bars near the game."

"What bars?"

"Honey!  Please!  I promise to call if I hit midnight and I'm still out ever again!"

"OK, fine!  Enjoy your hangover breakfast.  I'll put something dumb on TV for you."

"Thank you.  I love you."

"You so owe me."

Update on Thursday, October 1, 2009 at 12:33PM by Ittybittycrazy

"Did you notice I didn't even have any fried eggs?" she asked.

"Yes, Baby," he said.

"Yes, because I can't because I'm allergic.  This was a totally selfless breakfast!"

"Thank you again, Baby," he sighed.

"Oh my GOD!" she yelled, as he slowly heaved himself off the sofa.  "It LIVES!"

"OK," he said, "you need to stop relishing this so much."

"Not bloody likely."

He Said She Said - Just in case

 

They were watching one of those detective series where they have to break the bad news about a murder, and the spouse regrets the content of his last conversation with his now deceased wife.

"Just for the record," she said, "if we ever speak and then, afterwards, you are run over or murdered or your plane crashes or the ship you are on sinks or you have a major heart attack or stroke or there's an earthquake or hurricane or anything that kills you... I love you."

"What?" he said.

"Well, you know, when the Police come to tell me you're dead, I don't want to be a total fucking cliche and tell them that I wish I had told you I love you."

"What?"

"Even if our last conversation was an argument, or me asking you something that annoys you like to take out the trash.  Hell, even if our last conversation was me admitting to an affair, none of that matters.  I love you.  I'm saying it now and it counts forever and ever and it counts no matter what I said in our last conversation, OK?"

"Um, OK..."

"Honey!  This is serious!  I love you and it counts, and it counts to infinity and I hereby state that it overrides anything else I might say in whatever turns out to be our last conversation."

"OK, OK.  You love me.  No Last Conversation Regrets."

"Don't you want to tell me the same thing?"

"Well I don't think it really matters what the last conversation is.  You know I love you."

"Oh, so you don't care.  I'll be dead and you won't care if the last thing you said to me is something crappy like that I'm not allowed to have a new chocolate lab puppy for my 40th birthday.  Does that mean that you'll just forget me and bring a date to my funeral?  Huh?  HUH?"

"Oh, God."

"I'm waiting..."

"Honey," he said, speaking very slowly and very, very clearly, "no matter what I say to you in what is our last conversation, I love you.  I love you infinity and it totally counts against whatever-- um, you know, whatever.  OK?"

"OK.  Nice save.  I love you."

"I love you too, you crazy bitch."

"That better not be the last thing you say to me!"

He Said She Said - Running hot and cold

"I'm cold," she said.

"I'm not," he said.  "I'm actually quite warm."

"I'm turning the heating up," she said.

"Why?  I just said I'm warm."

"Because you're wrong, that's why."

"I really have nothing to say to that."

"That's because you know you're wrong," she said.  "How's 69 degrees for ya?"

"Whatever you want, dear," he said.

"Now you're right," she said.

"I'm not wrong or right dear, I'm just long-time married."

"Oh very funny."

He Said She Said - What's mine is yours

 

"HONEY!" she yelled.

"YES?" he yelled back.

"I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING.  CAN YOU COME HERE FOR A MINUTE?"

"DOES THIS INVOLVE LINGERIE?"

"JUST COME!"

"What?" he asked, as he came into the bedroom.

"Honey," she said, opening the three right hand drawers on their large dresser "look at this."    

"They're empty," he said.

"Yes.  Didn't you want to put your stuff in here?"

"Well I just assumed you had taken over the whole dresser."

"Why?  You had these three drawer when we lived in the apartment.  Of course I left them for you."

"Well I just thought you had filled them up with - you know - all your girlie stuff."

"My what?"

"You know..."

"Never mind.  The point is this.  We have been living in this house for ten months and both of us thought the other was using these drawers!  We went to the Container Store and bought drawer units!  That's how disorganized we are!"

"Or it shows how much we love each other - that we each left the drawers to the other."

"Aw," she said, and pushed him backwards onto the bed, climbing on to kiss him.

He Said She Said - The Wrath of Can't Remember

 

"Honey," he said, "are you OK?  You seem a bit quiet."

"Hmmmph!" she said.

"OK," he said, "what's wrong?"

She didn't reply.

"Honey, did I do something?"

"Yes!"

"What?" he said, taking on his placatory tone.  "What did I do?"

"You did something before dinner.  I don't remember what it was, but I know that I'm really pissed off about it."

"Wait," he said.  "You don't remember what I did to piss you off?"

"No.  But it was very annoying."

"Ohhhhhh kaaaaaay."

There was a pause.  She stared at the TV and he stared at her, bemused.

"OK honey," he said.  "I'm just going to be over here, on my couch, and we'll watch TV."

"Hmmph!"

He Said She Said - Solve for x

 

"I think we wrote them down wrong," he said.

"Wrote what, what?" she asked.

"The equations.  Last night.  You know."

"The equations?"

"Yes.  You remember.  There was that scene in Heroes where Claire has to take an algebra test and I said I'd like to try doing the maths again and you said we should race so we rewound and paused and copied down the quadratic equations and both tried to solve for x while we watched the rest of the pilot, remember?"

"Yes," she said, "I remember.  I was just winding you up."

"Very funny," he said.  "Anyway, I think we wrote them down wrong."

"I thought I managed to stop you doing them after an hour and a half.  I remember saying to you that getting your geek on is fine, but going into the Aspergers zone is forbidden."

"I carried on working on them."  He grinned, sheepishly.

"When?" she asked.

"After you fell asleep.  In bed."

"For how long?"

"Just an hour."

"Wha--?"

"Anyway, I think we wrote them down wrong because two of the equations solve perfectly and two don't."

"Oh my holy God.  You do realize, don't you, that right now, as we speak, there are people in the Heroes writer's room still giggling over the fact that they put bogus equations out there which are driving Geekdom crazy?"

"Well, I--"

"And please tell me you didn't Google for the answer!"

"No, I didn't."

"Thank God!  There's still hope."

"Anyway, I just wanted to say that--"

"Enough!  I am never letting you rewind for maths again.  Bad maths!  BAD!  I'm leaving now."  

She turned her back and started to walk away.  

He yelled after her. 

"X IS THREE!"

He Said She Said - Fakespeare

 

"Honey!" he yelled, "Are you almost ready?  They'll be here in a minute..."

"Forsooth!  Rush me not, young knave!  For I have just experienced what light through yonder window breaks and must my ablutions make."

"What?"

"Make not the toil and trouble.  Make the cauldron bubble!  Maketh me tea!"

"Honey, what's with the Fakespeare?"

"Unhand me, Engineering-graduate!  I'm a Literature major.  I need to get some mileage out of this stuff sometimes."

"Honey," he said, taking on The Placatory Tone, "you tell me that I only use my Engineering degree when I change a lightbulb.  Just talk to me normally."

"Get thee behind me!"

"That's the Bible, honey, not the Bard."

"All the world's a stage, and we are but extras!"

"Honey, extras are used on film or TV sets, not stages."

"Wherefore are thy making me annoyed?"

"OK, I'm going now."

"Out!  Out, damned spot!"

"Honey, have you taken your Crazy-Calming Capsule today?"

"Oh, shit, no.  I haven't."

"Let me get you your pill, honey.  Take a few deep breaths..."

"My pill!  My pill!  My kingdom for a pill!"

"..."