I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.
To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html
#depression
#ECT
ECT today was utterly horrific.
Instead of a 9am appointment, mine was at 11am because this is an extra session that we added because I am not doing well and no 9am slots were left.
We arrived at 10:54 and one of the intake nurses asked us to go out and wait in a seating area by the elevators until 11:00am. She also said there were two people ahead of me. The thing is, they book three people an hour so, from the patient perspective, when we arrive and hear that there are people ahead of us, we resolve to arrive earlier the next time. Hence us all arriving before 11:00am. I was pissed off at being told to go and wait by the elevators, and that I was third in line, so we weren't starting off well.
Fluffy Bear and I killed time at the Starbucks, waiting till after 11:00 to arrive - what was the point of arriving on time if I was third in line? When we got there, there was a patient who was complaining bitterly. The Nurse Manager had been called, and was talking to her. Complaining Woman was very loud and simply wouldn't allow the conversation to wind down. On the other hand, I agreed with a lot of what she was saying.
Then she apologized to her husband for the unpleasantness of the situation, and that made me cry. There are so many times that I have felt like a burden to Fluffy Bear, and felt desperately sorry that he has to put up with all this. Hearing Complaining Woman say sorry to her husband struck a chord deep inside me, and I started to snivel.
After a while the Nurse Manager went away to further investigate whatever it was that had pissed off Complaining Woman so much. I went up to Complaining Woman - a woman seemingly in her 60s - and thanked her for saying something about the issues that morning, saying I agreed with a lot of what she said. She stood up and enfolded me in her arms, and I collapsed into tears. I told her she should never apologize, because it's not our fault that we are sick.
The Nurse Manager returned and I asked her if there was a process improvement team at the hospital who could come and look at the ECT operation and evaluate how to create efficiencies. She said the hospital did have a team, but implied that the ECT area was not on their radar. She expressed regret, admitting that ECT was one of the busiest areas in the hospital but was overlooked.
I thanked the Nurse Manager for her time and explained to her that, under normal circumstances, we might be able to deal with problematic situations, but that we ECT patients had no tolerance. I apologized for that, but reiterated that it was simply a fact. I parted amicably with her and Complaining Woman and went back to my seat.
In the meantime there was another patient in the intake area who was extremely upset and was being aggressive, swearing repeatedly at one of the intake nurses. It's never pleasant to be around someone who's flipping out, especially when they're angry and abusive. I don't know what Abusive Woman was angry about, but she was extremely vocal.
Finally both Complaining Woman and Abusive Woman went in for their appointments, and I waited.
And waited.
And waited.
I took one of the clipboards and filled in the mood evaluation form. I found my file on the computer table and signed my consent form.
And waited.
And waited.
Eventually I realized I had been there more than an hour past my appointment time. I went up to the reception desk and asked what was going on. That sparked some action and a nurse came and did my intake.
Both nurses were looking at my hands and arms, however, and neither of them wanted to do my IV. They've done it before in my hand, but both hands are bruised from previous IVs. They decided to page the IV nurse. And so I waited.
And waited.
And waited.
Eventually the treatment nurse came up to me and said they'd put my IV in in the treatment room, and wheeled my IV pole after me as she escorted me across the hall.
Once inside the treatment room I asked my psychiatrist if he knew the hospital's process improvement team. I told him the intake area was a clusterfuck.
"A what?" said the treatment nurse.
"A clusterfuck," I repeated. She looked confused, as if she'd never heard the word before.
The anesthesiologist engaged in a lively conversation with me about process improvement, six sigma, LEAN and why the intake area needed it. He was so skilled that I didn't even notice him put the IV in. Makes a change.
And then the mask was over my face and I was taking deep breaths and floating off to La-la Land.
I woke up in the recovery room, and I was crying. And I couldn't stop. All the stress of my intake process seemed to be coming out, and I just wanted desperately to go home. It was also about 1pm by this time, so my blood sugar was probably very low.
The recovery nurse was very kind, but I just couldn't stop crying. I cried while putting on my shoes and glasses, while walking back to the intake area, and while waiting for Fluffy Bear to come and get me. Of course, when he arrived, I started crying even harder. I sobbed all the way to the car and until we were four streets away from the hospital.
And so, without a doubt, my worse ECT appointment to date. In fact, my all round worst DAY in a very long time. The only ray of hope in this entire nightmare was that Complaining Woman told me that she had had ECT seven years ago and that it had been a miracle for her. Maybe it will eventually work that well for me too.
Fingers crossed.
DEPRESSION IS THE MOST UNPLEASANT THING I HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED... IT IS THAT ABSENCE OF BEING ABLE TO ENVISAGE THAT YOU WILL EVER BE CHEERFUL AGAIN. THE ABSENCE OF HOPE. THAT VERY DEADENED FEELING, WHICH IS SO VERY DIFFERENT FROM FEELING SAD. SAD HURTS BUT IT'S A HEALTHY FEELING. IT IS A NECESSARY THING TO FEEL. DEPRESSION IS VERY DIFFERENT.
J. K. ROWLING
To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html
Tuesday, February 25, 2014 at 8:08PM 
