I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html
#depression
#ECT

Today was going so well. I was bevearing away at work, and one of my colleagues said that I seemed like my old self.

But I began to feel depression creeping up over me like a Hanna Barbera theif, slowly inching it's way into my psyche.

Then it hit me. I don't want to go through ECT tomorrow, and I started to cry and cry.

Now the TV we're watching seems pointless and poor Fluffy Bear beavering away in the kitchen making hot chocolate seems empty and trivial.

What is it that makes me go from perfectly fine to deflated? What sparks depression brain?

Sometimes I can feel it coming but that doesn't mean that I can stop it.

It's like I have an invading army inside me, they have spies, they carry out covert operations, infiltrating me and, next thing I know, they've gained ground.

How do I fight this thing?

Later on....

The thing is still under the bed in the spare room. Fluffy Bear switched off the light in there before I had gone in and got my meds. Because of a weird design in this old house the light switch is not at the door so you have to walk into the dark room and go and feel the wall and turn the light on. When he'd switched off the light before I was done i there I almost freaked out.

Whatever it is under the bed in the spare room doesn't feel very dangerous, but it doesn't feel benevolent either. Over the past few nights I have closed our bedroom door before we went to sleep - something I never normally do.

So let's look back at this day...

I still have depression brain creeping up on me, and I have crazy brain about some presence in the spare room.

Great, just fucking great.

I DON'T WANT TO SEE ANYONE. I LIE IN THE BEDROOM WITH THE CURTAINS DRAWN AND NOTHINGNESS WASHING OVER ME LIKE A SLUGGISH WAVE. WHATEVER IS HAPPENING TO ME IS MY OWN FAULT. I HAVE DONE SOMETHING WRONG, SOMETHING SO HUGE I CAN'T EVEN SEE IT, SOMETHING THAT'S DROWNING ME. I AM INADEQUATE AND STUPID, WITHOUT WORTH. I MIGHT AS WELL BE DEAD.
MARGARET ATWOOD

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html