Depression and ECT 16

I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html
#depression
#ECT

Today I feel like the Shit Bubble has shrunk ever so slightly - that I can crane my neck, jut out my chin and maybe, even if just for a moment, poke my head out of it and breathe fresh air.

It could be being back on Respiridone, and it could also be today's ECT treatment, which was harder to get through that normal. Luckily Nurse Shaky Hands got my IV in on the first try, but the anesthesia really hurt going in, and I had to mentally cheerlead myself through that. When I woke up I really wanted to go home, but I was more drowsy than usual. I tried hard to be chipper and convince the nurse that I was fine, but she's no fool. She asked me where I was and for the date, and I couldn't remember the name of the hospital or the year.

The short term memory loss side effect of ECT is really starting to kick in.

When I first learned short term memory loss was a problem you have to deal with when undergoing ECT, and read the complaints online about it, I thought: "What are they bitching about? Who cares if you can't remember what you had for lunch?"

I'm starting to find that it's not quite that innocuous.

I'm forgetting things like how to get to the store (I guess that's why I'm not allowed to drive while in treatment), and how to do certain tasks at work. I'll turn to do something, something I've done many times before, I take out the required paperwork, and simply do not know where to start.

I'm not a sports person or an artist. I define my self-worth through my intelligence, so this is a bitter pill.

However I joked with Fluffy Bear today that maybe, in order to be happier, I literally have to become stupider.

I did see something today that gave me a little ray of hope. It's a TED talk about the potential for body language changes to alter self-perception. I'm going to be practicing these techniques to help me get through days at work, for sure. I've already tried smiling for two minutes today to see if it improved my mood, and I think it might have given me a little boost.

Here's the talk:

Amy Cuddy: Your body language shapes who you are http://on.ted.com/rdF1 #TED

CRYING IS ONE OF THE HIGHEST DEVOTIONAL SONGS. ONE WHO KNOWS CRYING, KNOWS SPIRITUAL PRACTICE. IF YOU CAN CRY WITH A PURE HEART, NOTHING ELSE COMPARES TO SUCH A PRAYER. CRYING INCLUDES ALL THE PRINCIPLES OF YOGA.
KRIPALVANANDJI

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html