Depression and ECT 15

I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html
#depression
#ECT

Fluffy Bear just found me crying my eyes out in the kitchen.

What an amazing husband he is. He hugged me and said: "You'll always be safe with me."

I tried to explain how I felt to him, to explain this weird thing called Depression, and this is what I said:

"It's as if we're all on a tropical beach. Everyone is swimming and playing volleyball and running around and doing whatever they're doing, but I am cold. No matter what I do, no matter what I tell myself, I feel cold. I try swimming in the sea - I feel cold. I try sunbathing - I feel cold. I try thinking warm thoughts - I feel cold. It's an illogical, pervasive feeling. And I can't shake it."

"But you know that it isn't always going to be this way," Fluffy Bear said.

"It doesn't feel like that," I replied.

"Yes," he said, "but you KNOW that isn't true."

"I'm just trying," I told him, "to explain to you how this feels."

And that's what I'm doing with this blog too. Depression is a weird, weird thing. Living in the Shit Bubble is the most illogical experience I've ever had. And no matter what you read, talk about, think through, the feeling remains. You might know things are going to get better, but it just doesn't feel like that's true. It's very hard to believe something you can't feel.

IF I CAN'T FEEL, IF I CAN'T MOVE, IF I CAN'T THINK, AND I CAN'T CARE, THEN WHAT CONCEIVABLE POINT IS THERE IS LIVING?
KAY REDFIELD JAMISON

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html