Depression and ECT 15

I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html
#depression
#ECT

Fluffy Bear just found me crying my eyes out in the kitchen.

What an amazing husband he is. He hugged me and said: "You'll always be safe with me."

I tried to explain how I felt to him, to explain this weird thing called Depression, and this is what I said:

"It's as if we're all on a tropical beach. Everyone is swimming and playing volleyball and running around and doing whatever they're doing, but I am cold. No matter what I do, no matter what I tell myself, I feel cold. I try swimming in the sea - I feel cold. I try sunbathing - I feel cold. I try thinking warm thoughts - I feel cold. It's an illogical, pervasive feeling. And I can't shake it."

"But you know that it isn't always going to be this way," Fluffy Bear said.

"It doesn't feel like that," I replied.

"Yes," he said, "but you KNOW that isn't true."

"I'm just trying," I told him, "to explain to you how this feels."

And that's what I'm doing with this blog too. Depression is a weird, weird thing. Living in the Shit Bubble is the most illogical experience I've ever had. And no matter what you read, talk about, think through, the feeling remains. You might know things are going to get better, but it just doesn't feel like that's true. It's very hard to believe something you can't feel.

IF I CAN'T FEEL, IF I CAN'T MOVE, IF I CAN'T THINK, AND I CAN'T CARE, THEN WHAT CONCEIVABLE POINT IS THERE IS LIVING?
KAY REDFIELD JAMISON

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html

Depression and ECT 14

I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html
#depression
#ECT

I'm still struggling in the Shit Bubble.

Today I was in the elevator at work and it stopped at another floor on the way down to the lobby. A really obese woman got in with some of her team mates, chatting away. I'm not thin by any means, but I found myself looking at her and thinking "I would put up with being that fat if I could be that happy."

Isn't that pathetic?

Getting to work in the first place was a gargantuan effort today. I woke up at 7am and went to take my morning pee and just started crying and crying. Fluffy Bear suggested I go back to bed till 8 and he'd drive me to work, so I set another alarm and crawled back under the covers. I didn't sleep heavily by any means, but I woke up at 8am feeling marginally better.

Still, I wasn't well. The Shit Bubble felt like lead around me. I was cheerleading frantically to simply move through my morning ablution routine.

"I promise you, you can do it," I repeated to myself, over and over again.

I cried through washing my hair, my face, my body.

I promise you, you can do it.

It was reduced to just sniffling through drying my hair, and I managed to get dressed without tears.

I promise you, you can do it.

As I ate cereal, I was visualizing myself at my desk, doing my work, being functional, being normal.

I promise you, you can do it. I promise you, you can do it. I promise you, you can do it.

Fluffy Bear drove me to work and I started with a very simple task, trying to distract myself. It worked.

I made it through to 10:45 before I noticed the time, but said no to two different requests to go to coffee with colleagues. There's no way I could have made conversation.

"You look terrible," Sue said to me when she came up to my cube. I wasn't offended. It was actually reassuring. When you feel like crap from depression you sometimes think that you must be imagining your problems, that you're just creating the issue, that, frankly, you're full of crap. So knowing that pain showed on my face, that it was real, was a validation.

I made it through to 1:45 before I phoned Fluffy Bear and asked him to come and pick me up. Nobody questioned me when I left early. I guess I really did look like shit.

But I promised myself I could do it, and I did it. Not for the whole working day, but I got some stuff done.

Me 1, Depression 0.

DEPRESSION IS LIKE A BRUISE THAT NEVER GOES AWAY. A BRUISE IN YOUR MIND. YOU JUST GOT TO BE CAREFUL NOT TO TOUCH IT WHERE IT HURTS. IT'S ALWAYS THERE, THOUGH.
JEFFREY EUGENIDES

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html

Depression and ECT 13

I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html
#depression
#ECT

It's difficult to explain the Shit Bubble. It surrounds me, and I live in it.

TV is boring, food is tasteless (apart from sugar), I feel no motivation to exercise, work takes gargantuan effort and I'm filled with dread at the thought of having to go to work in the first place, nothing social appeals, my husband is irritating and, worst of all, I look at my dogs - my babies, my heart - and I feel absolutely nothing. It seems I'm either irritated or sad, and I have to talk myself through the simple routine of the day, spurring myself on as if I'm at a sports meet.

The Shit Bubble is a simple fact of my world and I don't seem to be able to pranayama or yoga or pray or wish it away.

I go to sleep in it. I wake up in it. I can't shake it.

I saw the doctor today and we agreed that I should go back on my Respiridone and also that I should have an extra ECT session.

"Years ago," he said, "we'd have hospitalized you for a long time and introduced or subtracted one medication at a time, tweaked ECT treatment frequency and taken the time to empirically determine how to achieve the best results. But that's not practical or how we do medicine now, so we slowed down ECT and changed your medication at the same time, and we can't be sure which variable is having this effect."

I must say the thought of hospitalization has it's appeal. Taking the time to really figure out how to manage my depression would be an interesting option. But there's no way insurance will pay for that, and there's no way we could cover the copay.

Going through this dip has made me think a lot about my father. He definitely suffered from depression and I believe that I inherited it genetically from him. Feeling how I do right now, I wonder if he felt the same. If he did, it explains a lot of his weird behaviors over the years. He'd come home from work with migraines at least once a month, taking to his bed. He'd break into emotional speeches at family gatherings, making us all uncomfortable as he praised us or thanked us or some such. And he'd often seem broody, melancholy or, as I interpreted it at the time, a sourpuss.

What I don't understand is, if he felt the way that I do now, how did he get through life unmedicated? I'm on four different medications, for fuck's sake. What did he do? Did he self-medicate with cocaine? I know he didn't drink. His father was an alcoholic and he was uberprudent around alcohol. Did he get through his life simply through his own will? Because, if so, then I bow to him with deepest respect. In fact I regret, in many ways, not only how I treated him, but how I saw him. Because this depression thing, this disability, this is fucking hard.

Right now it feels too hard. But I'm forcing myself to keep going in the Shit Bubble. I'll take Respiridone tonight and maybe, maybe it will feel better tomorrow.

Maybe.

A MELANCHOLY-LOOKING MAN, HE HAD THE APPEARANCE OF ONE WHO HAS SEARCHED FOR THE LEAK IN LIFE'S GAS-PIPE WITH A LIGHTED CANDLE.
P. G. WODEHOUSE

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html

Depression and ECT 12

I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html
#depression
#ECT

My eldest dog functioned as a service dog tonight. When I got home he started nudging me and licking my face and then I realized that I needed to sob some stress and anxiety out.

I've essentially beamed back 6 weeks, back to crying jags in the shower, and sobbing to find some release.

It's because my psychiatrist has me tapering off Respiridone. As soon as I started taking less of it, I started to fall apart.

It's so frustrating. I feel like ECT has been a complete waste of time. What's the point if I find myself right back where I was before ECT?

I'm going to see the psychiatrist tomorrow - I called him in tears today to ask for an appointment.

Does this mean that the ECT has had no effect at all? That I've had IVs stuck in me and anesthesia and taken a month off work for nothing? And does this mean that there's no solution to this depression problem? Do I have to move in a bubble of misery where nothing feels like fun, and the slightest thing makes we want to cry? Seriously, is this my life? And is that really worth it?

Later this evening, some inspiration. A quote from a book called Letters to a Young Poet:

I beg you to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

PEOPLE SAY I'M THE LIFE OF THE PARTY BECAUSE I TELL A JOKE OR TWO. ALTHOUGH I MIGHT BE LAUGHING LOUD AND HEARTY, DEEP INSIDE I'M BLUE. SO TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT MY FACE. YOU'LL SEE MY SMILE LOOKS OUT OF PLACE. IF YOU LOOK CLOSER IT'S EASY TO TRACE THE TRACKS OF MY TEARS.
SMOKEY ROBINSON AND THE MIRACLES

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html

Depression and ECT 11

I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html
#depression
#ECT

ECT is now down to once a week, and my psychiatrist suggested I come off the Respiridone. He suggested cutting it in half for four days and then coming off it all together.

I have to be honest that, since I've started cutting it down, I've been really bad.

I've been beyond irritable - right into full bitch mode. I spent twenty minutes on the phone at work explaining to a colleague that my team would not be responsible for the quality check in their process because it wasn't our place. In the nicey nicey culture of my work place, I think that freaked him out.

I've also just been way worse mentally. Not just sad and hopeless, but planning suicide.

It's really hard to be in this frame of mind. It's as if it's impossible to take pleasure in anything. Things are either meaningless or empty or dull. I feel like a burden on my husband. I try to practice mindfulness and live in the moment but it feels so trivial.

So what do I do?

Do I keep on cutting out Respiridone and hope that, once it's out of my system, I even out a bit? Or start taking it again and just tell my doctor that it's too soon to start messing with meds?

I feel like none of the doctors here have a clue what they are doing when it comes to combining meds. The drug companies don't test the meds in tandem with each other so there's no data on interactions. It's just a fucking crap shoot.

GUESS THERE ARE TIMES WHEN WE ALL NEED TO SHARE A LITTLE PAIN / AND IRONING OUT THE ROUGHT SPOTS / IS THE HARDEST PART WHEN MEMORIES REMAIN / AND IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE WHEN WE ALL NEED TO HEAR THE RADIO / CAUSE FROM THE LIPS OF SOME OLD SINGER / WE CAN SHARE THE TROUBLES WE ALREADY KNOW / TURN THEM ON, TURN THEM ON / TURN ON THOSE SAD SONGS.
ELTON JOHN

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html

Depression and ECT 10

I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html
#depression
#ECT

Talked to psychiatrist when I went for treatment today and, when she asked how my mood was improving, I explained that it was a little better, but not much. She asked how my memory issues were going and I told her that I had had a few forgetful moments but that, frankly, I considered the memory issues trivial. She suggested that we change from unilateral to bilateral treatment, which basically means that, instead of putting one electrode on the top of my head and another on the right side, they put one on the left side and one on the right side.

This means the whole brain gets zapped instead of just the right brain. They usually stimulate only the right side so that they can minimize effects on the left side of the brain, where memory is stored. By putting one electrode each side, the efficacy of the treatment potentially increases, but so do memory loss side effects.

As well as switching to bilateral, we decided to set up an office appointment to discuss weaning me off some of my meds.

In case I haven't explained it before, the psychiatrists take turns administering ECT. So she isn't my doctor. The appointment to discuss meds will, however, be with my assigned doctor.

As they got ready to send me off to sleep, the nurse put the bit on my chest. That's always a slightly disturbing moment. It's a brown plug type thing, and the part that goes into your mouth is about 3 inches by 5 inches, a trapezoid shape.

There were three anesthesiologists in the room. One was a student, and looked like a deer in headlights. He had an impressive jewfro.

Waking up seemed to take longer than usual. The nurse in the recovery room left me to my own devices for what seemed a long time. My jaw was aching. It felt like I had been grinding my teeth for hours and hours. Opening my mouth hurt. I explained to the nurse that I had a sore jaw and she offered me some oxy. It's bizarre to be offered something that you only ever hear of on TV in the context of drug abuse. I was in severe pain so said yes, and took the pill with some cranberry juice.

The nurse left me for about ten more minutes before approaching me again and getting me ready to walk back to the intake room. It was clear she was leaving me longer than she normally would to recover. When I got up to walk to the intake room, I was definitely more unsteady than I normally would be. I had to concentrate on walking and my balance. Bilateral zapping must be a bitch.

Back in the intake room I asked for more cranberry juice. They give it to you in little plastic cups with peel back covers. I have to admit I find it disturbing how much waste is generated in the hospital. Everything is packaged, wrapped and then thrown away after one use due to the need to keep things disinfected. There are full trash cans everywhere. If I worked in the hospital system I would want to run a project to see how one could maintain sterility while minimizing trash.

Fluffy Bear came to pick me up and I asked him if we could please go to the new ice cream shop near our house. My jaw hurt like hell, I was definitely the worse for wear after what seems to have been a more intense treatment, and I just wanted ice cream for breakfast. Childish, but that's how I felt. A few minutes later I was gingerly chewing a chocolate chocolate chip cookie and washing it down with chocolate ice cream. My jaw still hurt but it made me feel better. Ice cream is awesome stuff.

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html

Depression and ECT 9

I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html
#depression
#ECT

Things my depression brain tells me:

"I want my life back."

"I want my mom back."

"I need to sleep."

"This isn't worth it."

"Just go. Go."

"Too tiring."

"You suck."

"I need my life to be different."

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html

Depression and ECT 8

I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html
#depression
#ECT

The psychiatrist has put me on Lithium, hoping that will make the effects of the ECT stick. I feel lighter, brighter, after treatment, but it fades away.

I feel a little bit at sea with this process. My psychiatrist is one of two who alternate taking care of ECT treatment, so I often see the other psychiatrist. Even when my psychiatrist is on duty, we don't have a lot of time to talk in the treatment room. It's a bit of an ECT production line. In -- zap! -- out! -- next! -- in! -- zap!

I'd really like to just sit down and have an hour with my psychiatrist and discuss what's going on and where we are. But it seems as if they want to get the seizure treatment over and done with and then assess.

After a month of treatment three times a week, I am cleared to go back to work and I'll have treatment every Friday for another month. That means another month of not being allowed to drive.

I suspect that the psychiatrist will want to wean me off some of my other meds pretty soon.

I guess I just have to be patient and wait until we get to the Friday only stage, and ask for an office consultation during that time.

Sigh.

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html

#depression

Depression and ECT 7

I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html
#depression
#ECT

I don't feel as good today. Having had a taste of feeling normal - neither too hot nor too cold, Miss Goldilocks - I now feel like something precious has been taken away from me.

The nurse in the recovery room said she had been my nurse at my first treatment, and that she had been off work since then, so there's been a gap since she saw me last. She said she could see a definite improvement in me. I felt very encouraged by that, but still depressed at not feeling as good as I did yesterday.

I'm starting to worry about getting this treatment finished. I'm scared that the doctors are going to say that I have to continue treatment into next month and that I'll have to take more time off work. The treatment is working - I can feel it - but the effects aren't sticking. It's like eating Ben and Jerry's ice cream - you feel like the flavor is almost on the tip of your tongue, but really tasting it eludes you. You never feel real satisfaction no matter how much you eat.

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html

#depression

Depression and ECT 6

I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html
#depression
#ECT

Dealing with ECT side effects:
I've bought those big pill dispenser trays and laid one out with my morning meds and vitamins, and another with my bedtime meds, for a whole month. Begone short term memory loss!
I've explained to my friends that I am not allowed to drive the whole month, so a few of them are helping out by giving me rides.
I've bought coconut water and leave it in the car to drink after treatments to rehydrate.
I've put all the bills and documents I need to deal with on the fridge, with magnets.
I've put everything I can think of, that makes sense, into my iPhone schedule.

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html

#depression

Depression and ECT 5

I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html
#depression
#ECT

I am finally starting to feel better. It's hard to describe what "better" means without falling back on cliche's like "I feel more myself" or "It's like a burden has been lifted."

I feel lighter, brighter.

There was nothing exceptional about my day, but I feel like I was at a normal default setting rather than feeling sad or down. My rating scale goes from -10 (suicidal) to +10 (Disneyland) and today, on average, I was at a good "zero."

I caught myself laughing and making jokes.

Kathy said she thought I was like i used to be two years ago.

Progress!!!!

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html

#depression

Depression and ECT 4

I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html
#depression
#ECT

ECT today. The intake nurse, who has some condition that gives her the shakes, shoved the IV in me like a ninja killing someone with a knitting needle through the eyeball. From now on I am going to request the IV team. The guy I met in the waiting room a few days ago told me to do that. Now I know why.

Treatment went fine.

After they put the electrodes on me, and the blood pressure cuff on my right calf, they put a little mouth plug on my chest to use later. I really would have rather not seen that.

After the hospital we went to Kathy's house for tea and I experienced short term memory loss side effect for the first time. She was talking and I had something I wanted to say but, by the time the break in the conversation came where I could say my piece, I'd forgotten what it was. Now that happens to normal people in normal conversation but you can usually remember what you were going to say with a little prompting. Not me. When I say the thought was gone, I mean it was GONE.

I came home and slept for three hours in the afternoon. I think my mood was slightly lighter today, but I was still dreading Fluffy Bear going away this weekend.

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html

#depression

Depression and ECT 3

I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html
#depression
#ECT

My headache after waking up was just a normal headache today.

The intake nurse kept poking me unsuccessfully in the arm until I eventually told her the previous nurse had put the IV in my hand, and she tried that. They put me on an IV before the ECT procedure to help with dehydration and the headache.

In the treatment room the psychiatrist made some quip about them being glad I came back, so I guess some patients have one treatment and then refuse to go through any more.

The procedure went much the same as before - no memory after the oxygen mask - and I came to in the recovery room. The nurse in the recovery room was very kind and reminded me that it will take a while before I feel the effects.

Ive been very resentful this afternoon and evening about Fluffy Bear going away this weekend. He wouldn't even think of doing that if I was having chemo. You could argue that this isn't that different. I know I agreed to him going away, but I didn't know how hard these treatments were going to be and I haven't even started with the memory loss yet.

I met a guy in the waiting room who said the memory loss had been the hardest part for him. He also said he's been having treatment since June which, seeing as we are now in December, is fucking petrifying. I pray I don't have to go for that long.

Depression and ECT 2

I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html
#depression
#ECT

I woke up with a sore neck and shoulder on the right side. When I got up I realized my right butt cheek felt like I had been doing one sided squats yesterday.

Apart from neck and shoulder discomfort it was a relatively OK day until I went to yoga. There was another teacher on the mat next to me and she seemed to think that, because she is also a teacher, she could do whatever she wanted, irrespective of what the whole class was doing. Not only that, but she kept sighing audibly, like a porn soundtrack.

At the end of the class I asked her if she was likely to attend class again and, when she said yes, I asked her to not sigh so loudly. She got very defensive and I tried to explain why it was distracting: "You know when you're with someone who's snoring," I said, "and you don't know when the next snore is coming, but just as things quiet down and you start to relax to go back to sleep, there comes another loud snore."

She looked at me as if I was completely certifiable.

She kept defending herself vociferously until I finally looked her right in the eye and said "I'm not trying to hurt you." She was responding as if I was attacking her personally when all I was doing was asking her not to sigh loudly if she came to class again. I opened my body language up to her and made her see that I was not trying to go to battle here, I was just making a request.

It seemed to calm her down but I have to admit that I played the confrontation over and over in my mind and berated myself for approaching her in the first place. Why couldn't I just keep my mouth shut?

My brain began to spiral into self-recrimination, replaying the incident over and over, and pin point analysis of each thing said.

I had to take a Xanax on the way home.

Depression and ECT 1

I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

#depression
#ECT

First ECT treatment down.

The whole thing was very stressful, starting with finding that the parking garage, once you drove past all the special pick up and doctor parking, had less than 20 parking spots. Checkin at the main reception was a pain - they didn't have me in the system properly. Finally we go to the ECT checkin where I found I was the last out of the three scheduled for that hour. The woman in the intake chair opposite me was very loud, as were her two companions.

The cycle of building anxiety was broken by the intake nurse who, while explaining the process, stroked my arm. She put in an IV and I went through my intake questions (meds I'm on and when I last took them, whether I was wearing any jewelry, had I used any flammable hair products, etc.) with intake nurse 2. I didn't have to change into a gown, which was nice, and in fact none of them were wearing scrubs. It was all very casual and welcoming. I was asked to fill in a mood assessment form, which I'll have to do each time I come.

I was transferred to a waiting room from the intake area, and then finally invited into the treatment room. The psychiatrist and anesthesiologist greeted me kindly, and asked if I had any questions. The psychiatrist explained, as the treatment nurse put them on me, that the electrodes were to monitor EKG and EEG and that the blood pressure cuff on my right calf was to stop the muscle relaxant flowing into my toes, to enable them to see twitching as an indicator that I had begun seizing.

The nurse put the oxygen mask over my mouth and stroked my hair as I took deep breaths.

"It hurts!" I said as the anesthetic pumped into my vein. Both the nurse and anesthesiologist assured me that it would pass, and I could feel it softening.

And then I was waking up in the recovery room. I had a headache in my temples that was so bad that I started to cry and couldn't stop. The recovery nurse was very kind and gave me some medicine through my IV to help with the pain. When she first asked me, I rated my pain at 7/10. A few moments later it was at 4. The nurse brought me cranberry juice and, because I had had to fast prior to the treatment, offered me a muffin or banana, which I declined. I was able to get up and walk, assisted by the recovery nurse, back to the intake room.

The intake nurse explained that, now that they knew I got headaches from the treatment, they would give me medicine prophylactically to deal with that.

Fluffy Bear materialized and seeing him made me start crying again. The intake nurse stopped me as we left to reassure me that the first treatment was the worst and that it would get easier. She told me to rehydrate for the headache and that next time we would chat about the years she spent living in England.

We went to Walgreens and bought some coconut water for rehydration.

An hour or so after getting home, I felt tired and a bit slow. I had a huge amount of goop in my hair from where they had put the conductor thingies - one on the top of my head and one on the right temple. They avoid the left side of the head to try to minimize memory loss.

My Uggs must be creating static because I shocked myself and Puppy Girl when I reached for her. I decided to see the humor in being sparky.

Puppy Girl came and lay with her head on my lap, which is very unusual for her. Dogs know, don't they?

Bossisms - Goldilocks

We need to find the Goldilocks zone. Good for everybody. Not too hot or too cold.

Jus say in' - Party's over, sunshine.

I had a friend in university who used to hold us hostage. She had the car, so when we went out we had to stay out till she brought us back to res.

We would wind down at one place and, instead of driving us back, she'd insist we try another. Bar, club, whatever. Rinse and repeat. All the while playing a fucking LOVE SONGS mix tape (Google that, children) as we drove.

Thanks to her, I have zero tolerance for people who just won't admit that the party's over.

It's done.

You're finished.

Go the fuck home.

Especially if you're 45 years old.

I'm jus' sayin'.

What if... cockroaches are more evolved than we are?

What if we've got it all wrong?

Maybe the more evolved the consciousness, the simpler the life form. Perhaps true philosophers want simpler lives to free themselves to think. No need to build careers, lust after the latest car model, stand anxiously at a party waiting to be noticed.

Just gather food, procreate and think. Mull. Ponder.

Perhaps a cockroach is a far wiser being than you or I.

Think about it.

He Said She Said: Overtime

"They want overtime!" She said, standing naked in the dining room, clearly annoyed.
"What?" He said. "What are you talking about?"
"They want overtime. The logging company."
"What?"
"They say the scope was way more than they expected."
"Honey! What are you talking about???"
"Overtime. The logging company I sent in to trim the forest."
"What forest?"
"THE forest."
"Honey, I really--"
She pointed at her groin.
"More trimming than they expected."
"Honey," he said, "please stop being so weird."


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9 to 5: Bossisms 4

It’s like we’ve got a bunch of people who took acid and got on a merry go round. They wouldn’t be able to get off even if they knew what Off was.