I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html
#depression
#ECT

My eldest dog functioned as a service dog tonight. When I got home he started nudging me and licking my face and then I realized that I needed to sob some stress and anxiety out.

I've essentially beamed back 6 weeks, back to crying jags in the shower, and sobbing to find some release.

It's because my psychiatrist has me tapering off Respiridone. As soon as I started taking less of it, I started to fall apart.

It's so frustrating. I feel like ECT has been a complete waste of time. What's the point if I find myself right back where I was before ECT?

I'm going to see the psychiatrist tomorrow - I called him in tears today to ask for an appointment.

Does this mean that the ECT has had no effect at all? That I've had IVs stuck in me and anesthesia and taken a month off work for nothing? And does this mean that there's no solution to this depression problem? Do I have to move in a bubble of misery where nothing feels like fun, and the slightest thing makes we want to cry? Seriously, is this my life? And is that really worth it?

Later this evening, some inspiration. A quote from a book called Letters to a Young Poet:

I beg you to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

PEOPLE SAY I'M THE LIFE OF THE PARTY BECAUSE I TELL A JOKE OR TWO. ALTHOUGH I MIGHT BE LAUGHING LOUD AND HEARTY, DEEP INSIDE I'M BLUE. SO TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT MY FACE. YOU'LL SEE MY SMILE LOOKS OUT OF PLACE. IF YOU LOOK CLOSER IT'S EASY TO TRACE THE TRACKS OF MY TEARS.
SMOKEY ROBINSON AND THE MIRACLES

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html