I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html
#depression
#ECT

ECT is now down to once a week, and my psychiatrist suggested I come off the Respiridone. He suggested cutting it in half for four days and then coming off it all together.

I have to be honest that, since I've started cutting it down, I've been really bad.

I've been beyond irritable - right into full bitch mode. I spent twenty minutes on the phone at work explaining to a colleague that my team would not be responsible for the quality check in their process because it wasn't our place. In the nicey nicey culture of my work place, I think that freaked him out.

I've also just been way worse mentally. Not just sad and hopeless, but planning suicide.

It's really hard to be in this frame of mind. It's as if it's impossible to take pleasure in anything. Things are either meaningless or empty or dull. I feel like a burden on my husband. I try to practice mindfulness and live in the moment but it feels so trivial.

So what do I do?

Do I keep on cutting out Respiridone and hope that, once it's out of my system, I even out a bit? Or start taking it again and just tell my doctor that it's too soon to start messing with meds?

I feel like none of the doctors here have a clue what they are doing when it comes to combining meds. The drug companies don't test the meds in tandem with each other so there's no data on interactions. It's just a fucking crap shoot.

GUESS THERE ARE TIMES WHEN WE ALL NEED TO SHARE A LITTLE PAIN / AND IRONING OUT THE ROUGHT SPOTS / IS THE HARDEST PART WHEN MEMORIES REMAIN / AND IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE WHEN WE ALL NEED TO HEAR THE RADIO / CAUSE FROM THE LIPS OF SOME OLD SINGER / WE CAN SHARE THE TROUBLES WE ALREADY KNOW / TURN THEM ON, TURN THEM ON / TURN ON THOSE SAD SONGS.
ELTON JOHN

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html