A month or so ago, I wrote about a day when I felt that I didn't want to live here.
I feel like that today too.
Ironically, Fluffy Bear and I are going to look at shipping quotes today to bring all our stuff out of storage and over to the US - making a real commitment to living in this country.
I like the USA, and I have so many wonderful friends here - people who have become like family.
But there are times when I feel that I am different, that I don't belong.
I am a member of an online list of people who have been introduced by other people, and discuss all sorts of things. I have seen people on this list support each other, share their lives and show real online friendship.
But, of course, people also have differing opinions.
And that's fine by me. I mean, imagine if we all thought the same way? How tedious.
It is through the differing opinions of others that we also learn to question our own beliefs and keep ourselves balanced and honest.
I like to debate issues, and I like to see different sides to any story.
I embrace grey areas. For me, nothing is ever black or white.
Growing up brown inside black and white
Perhaps it is because I grew up in a country where a division between black and white was written into law and caused so much pain and destruction.
I personally heard a speech by someone who said that the Bible and evolution shows that black people are more primitive than white people and it's no use educating them - they were put on earth by God to do the manual work, to be our servants. Ridiculous.
Within my country, where black was kept divided from white - by separate education, separate living areas - I grew up mixed-race, but legally identified as white.
Therefore, deep within me, there is a recognition of the complexity of things, the history of things, the underlying reasons for things.
Taught to question
I had an amazing English teacher in High School. I'm not sure I really got it at the time but, as I look back, I can see how he, along with my mother, helped to open my mind.
He asked us one day what it would take for us to shoot someone, intending to kill them. He didn't want us to answer him, just think about it. I knew exactly what it would take for me to shoot someone... self-defense, or the defense of my family or any person I loved. I wasn't scared that I would kill someone, I was scared that, when it came down to it, I might fuck it up and fail to stop the attacker, especially if that attacker was a rapist.
My English teacher also asked us how many bad things would have to happen to us for us to end up homeless on the street. Even today, I ask myself this question, and I try to give money to every homeless person selling newspapers to try to get back on their feet. Becoming homeless would be so, so simple: 6 steps, that's all it would take.
Estranged from my family --> Fluffy Bear leaves me --> I get depressed and piss off my friends, who turn away from me --> I lose my job --> I can't pay rent or get motivated to get another job --> Homeless.
The ultimate question
So if you combine those two things, our ability to kill and hurt other human beings and the simple steps that could completely change our lives, then the ultimate question is:
If everything is a gray area, is anyone out there evil, or could I have ended up where they are, doing what they did?
I really believe there is no such thing as evil. There is no Axis of Evil, there are no evil people.
Would would it have taken for me to be a serial killer? To be Aileen Wournos, the serial killer played by Charlize Theron in Monster?
Aileen was the progeny of a child bride and a convicted pedophile, who committed suicide. She was abandoned by her mother, left with her grandparents. She was sexually abused, pregnant at 13 and gave her child up for adoption. At 15, she was kicked out of her house and started supporting herself as a prostitute. She lived in the woods for a time. Who knows what abuses she suffered as a prostitute, what mental issues she may have inherited genetically and what psychological issues she may have gathered over the years of this awful life?
If I had gone through the same experience, would I have killed men?
The answer is: I don't know. But I might have.
I might have.
And I believe anyone might have.
So why am I going on about all this?
Yesterday someone went into a coffee shop South of Tacoma, WA, and shot 4 Police officers who were sitting down, working on laptops and apparently planning their day. Coming a few weeks after the fatal shooting of Officer Brenton and wounding of Officer Sweeney on Halloween night in Seattle, WA, this is a horrible event to happen in a community that is already hurting.
A man called Maurice Clemmons is a "person of interest", and the Police are searching for him. Last night they surrounded a house but, we are now told, they didn't find Clemmons there.
While the SWAT team standoff was in progress, I sent an email to my online community saying that I hoped that everyone came out of it OK, including the suspect.
Someone replied that they hoped the suspect died a slow and painful death.
I made the point that evil does not exist, everyone is born in innocence and that criminals do what they do because of:
- religious indoctrination
- mental illness
- factors in their past
- desperation.
I was told that there is evil in the world, and asked how I explain serial killers, the Holocaust or pedophiles.
I said that serial killers have a mental illness, that "The Reader" is a good movie to watch to understand the Holocaust (from the point of view of the German people who took part in running the concentration camps), and that research and debate continues about whether or not pedophiles are mentally ill or not.
I got two replies that were very rude, even abusive, basically telling me that I had obviously never experienced evil and I didn't know what I was talking about.
So what? Grow up! What's this got to do with being homesick?
"So what?" is right. I usually enjoy hearing opinions that differ from mine.
But I honestly believe there is a cultural difference here.
Some of the people on the other side of the email debate genuinely seemed to want this man, this as-yet unconvicted suspect, killed.
Maybe the English are less inclined to engage in that kind of rhetoric because they remember times in their history when they were the bad guys - concentration camps in South Africa, quelling uprisings in India.
Maybe the English are more into legal due process because they've been doing it for so much longer, while the US comes from a history of small towns of local Sherriffs who had to do whatever it took to retain order (no blame in this statement, just historical fact).
Maybe it's because there is less of a gun culture in the UK.
Whatever it is, I just don't remember this kind of lynch mob mentality during the 13 years I lived in England.
And it really saddens me that this man, who has not yet been tried and convicted, is in real danger of being killed a law enforcement officer who may think the way that the people in my email community do.
And right now I'd rather be back in England than here in the USA.
I know this feeling will pass. I'll wake up tomorrow loving the wonderful traditions and amazing landscape and warmth and friendship of all the American people around me. I'll be grateful again for this place that has given me a new home, a new job and two amazing furkids. I'll admire the incredible talent all around me, on TV, in public office and in the workplace.
But that's tomorrow.
Not today.
Today I just feel sad.
Draw your own conclusions:
Extract.
By Associated Press and KING5.com
Posted on December 1, 2009 at 4:07 AM
SEATTLE - The man suspected of gunning down four police officers in a suburban coffee shop was shot and killed by Seattle police early Tuesday, a sheriff's spokesman said.
Maurice Clemmons was shot to death in a working-class south Seattle neighborhood after police tracked him down using possible hiding spots supplied by Pierce County investigators, said Ed Troyer, a spokesman for the county sheriff.
Authorities say Clemmons, 37, killed the four Lakewood officers at a coffee shop Sunday morning in Parkland, a Tacoma suburb about 35 miles south of Seattle.
Officials say the Tuesday morning confrontation took place at about 2:40 a.m. in the 4400 block of South Kenyon Street in the Rainier Valley neighborhood.
At the scene, a couple of dozen police officers milled around, shaking hands and patting each other on the back after one of the largest manhunts in the region's history.
At a news conference, police said a patrol officer came upon a reported stolen car. He observed some movement near the car and recognized the suspect.
"(The officer) says he recognized the person who was approaching him as to be looking or appeared to be just like the person who has been broadcast as the possible suspect in the tragic homicide in Lakewood," said Assistant Seattle Police Chief Jim Pugel.
The officer ordered the person to stop. The suspect began to run. The officer fired several rounds, hitting the suspect. The suspect was dead at the scene. Police say the suspect was armed with a gun taken from one of the slain Lakewood Police officers.
...
Clemmons had a serious gunshot wound from one of the four officers killed in the coffee-shop shooting.
...
Extract.
Q13 FOX News Online
6:23 AM PST, December 1, 2009
SEATTLE - A two day manhunt had come to an end. Maurice Clemmons, the suspect in the murders of four Lakewood Police officers has been shot and killed by Seattle Police. Officers say at the time of the shooting Clemmons had a weapon on him that belonged to one of the the Lakewood officers he's accused of shooting.
It all began when a 7 year veteran to the Seattle police was patrolling the area of the 4400 block of South Kenyon Street in the Rainier Valley around 2:45 a.m. Tuesday morning. The officer noticed an unoccupied stolen vehicle parked on the side of the street. The vehicle was reported stolen earlier Monday night. The vehicle was running and no one was in it. That's when the officer noticed movement behind his patrol car. He got out of his patrol car and recognized a man who looked like Maurice Clemmons, the suspect in the Lakewood Police shootings approaching him. The officer ordered the man to stop and show his hands. The man refused and started to run back around the patrol car. The officer again told him to stop and fired several rounds. Seattle Fire quickly responded to the scene and it was determined that the man, Maurice Clemmons, was dead.
There have been several other arrests in the past 24 hours, including that of the suspected get-away driver and three other people who aided and abetted Clemmons over the past two day. Prosecutors will arraign all in the next 48 hours. Authorities are still actively working to find others who helped him including friends and relatives and Pierce County Sheriff's spokeman Ed Troyer says he expects more arrests Tuesday.
Authorities suspected 37-year old Clemmons of gunning down four police officers at Forza Coffee shop Sunday morning in Lakewood, a suburb about 35 miles south of Seattle. Troyer said Tuesday morning that Clemmons was shot in the abdomen during the attack on the Lakewood officers. Troyer said the wound was so bad it's hard to believe that Clemmons was able to survive for two more days.
His death comes just one day after authorities said they believed Clemmons was being helped to escape capture by a network of friends and family.
...
Clemmons had a warrant for four counts of first degree murder in the shooting deaths of Sgt. Mark Renninger, 39, and Officers Ronald Owens, 37, Tina Griswold, 40, and Greg Richards, 42.
Komo 4 News
Story Published: Dec 1, 2009 at 4:43 AM PST
Story Updated: Dec 1, 2009 at 5:51 AM PST
SEATTLE - The man suspected of gunning down four police officers in a suburban coffee shop was shot and killed by Seattle police early Tuesday, a sheriff's spokesman said.
Maurice Clemmons was shot to death around 2:40 a.m. on Kenyon Street outside a home in South Seattle.
Seattle Police Assistant Chief Jim Pugel said a Seattle police officer on patrol in South Seattle came upon an unoccupied running car that had been reported stolen earlier in the night.
As the officer radioed in the license plate and began his investigation of the stolen car, he noticed someone behind his police cruiser. The officer got out and recognized the person as Clemmons, Pugel said.
The officer ordered the person to stop and show his hands, but the man did not comply and began to run away around the vehicle.
The officer fired several rounds and struck the man, gravely wounding him. Seattle medics responded and loaded the wounded man into an ambulance, but he was pronounced dead a short time later. Officers later confirmed the man was Clemmons.
Pugel said Clemmons had a gun on him that was traced back to one stolen from one of the killed officers at the Lakewood coffee shop.
The Seattle officer was not hurt in Tuesday morning's shooting. Pugel has not identified him, except to say he is a seven year veteran of the force. The officer has been placed on administrative leave as per standard policy. Police are also talking to two witnesses to the event.
Pugel said police are unsure why Clemmons was in that neighborhood and as of yet, have not connected him to any home in the area.
In addition to Clemmons, three other people were arrested overnight for aiding and abetting in Clemmons' escape, said Pierce County Sheriff's Department spokesman Ed Troyer.
One of those included the driver of the getaway vehicle in the original shooting, and Troyer said he expects more arrests Tuesday. Troyer said these people tried to hide Clemmons, moved him from location to location, provided him with cell phones and money, and was helping him make arrangements to leave the state.
"They are going to pay for it," Troyer said.
...
Police said they aren't sure what prompted Clemmons to shoot the officers as they did paperwork on their laptops. Clemmons was described as increasingly erratic in the past few months and had been arrested earlier this year on charges that he punched a sheriff's deputy in the face.
At the scene, a couple of dozen police officers milled around, shaking hands and patting each other on the back after one of the largest manhunts in the region's history.
Clemmons had stayed on the run for nearly two days with help from a network of friends and family who gave him places to stay, medical aid, rides and money, police said. Troyer told Fox News police arrested three people overnight on suspicion of rendering criminal assistance.
...
Killed were Sgt. Mark Renninger, 39, and Officers Ronald Owens, 37, Tina Griswold, 40, and Greg Richards, 42.
Troyer told the Tacoma News-Tribune that Clemmons indicated the night before the shooting "that he was going to shoot police and watch the news."
Police surrounded a house in a Seattle neighborhood late Sunday following a tip Clemmons had been dropped off there. After an all-night siege, a SWAT team entered the home and found it empty. But police said Clemmons had been there.
Police frantically chased leads on Monday, searching multiple spots in the Seattle and Tacoma area and at one point cordoning off a park where people thought they saw Clemmons.
Authorities found a handgun carried by the killer, along with a pickup truck belonging to the suspect with blood stains inside. They posted a $125,000 reward for information leading to Clemmons' arrest and alerted hospitals to be on the lookout for a man seeking treatment for gunshot wounds.
"We need to get him into custody and we need to end this," Troyer said Monday night.
Authorities in two states were criticized amid revelations that Clemmons was allowed to walk the streets despite a teenage crime spree in Arkansas that landed him an 108-year prison sentence. He was released early after then-Gov. Mike Huckabee commuted his sentence.
Huckabee cited Clemmons' youth in granting the request. But Clemmons quickly reverted to his criminal past, violated his parole and was returned to prison. He was released again in 2004.
"This guy should have never been on the street," said Brian D. Wurts, president of the police union in Lakewood. "Our elected officials need to find out why these people are out."
Huckabee said on Fox News Channel's "The O'Reilly Factor" Monday night that Clemmons was allowed back on the street because prosecutors failed to file paperwork in time.
Pulaski County Prosecutor Larry Jegley, whose office opposed Clemmons' parole in 2000 and 2004, said Huckabee's comments were "red herrings."
"My word to Mr. Huckabee is man up and own what you did," Jegley said.
Clemmons was charged in Washington state earlier this year with assaulting a police officer and raping a child, and investigators in the sex case said he was motivated by visions that he was Jesus Christ and that the world was on the verge of the apocalypse.
But he was released from jail after posting bail with the assistance of Jail Sucks Bail Bonds.
Documents related to those charges indicate a volatile personality. In one instance, he is accused of gathering his wife and young relatives and forcing them to undress.
"The whole time Clemmons kept saying things like trust him, the world is going to end soon, and that he was Jesus," a Pierce County sheriff's report said.
Thursday, December 10, 2009 at 8:49PM 
