Click to go Home

 

Where are you from?
free counters
LISTEN with ODIOGO

Powered by Squarespace


WELCOME!

This web is where I weave my wacky.

Enjoy.

 

 

I write about all sorts of things. To see a specific category, 

 click a link on the left or the tag at the bottom of a post.

 

 

Saturday
Nov282009

He Said She Said - Black Friday

 

For those of you outside the US, Black Friday is a day of major sales after Thanksgiving where people queue up in the early hours of the morning to be the first into the store at 4am, 5am and other times that I firmly believe do not exist and should never been seen.

 

"I thought you were just going to the laptop repair shop?" she said.

"Well, I was near an Office Max so I went in," he said.

"On Black Friday? Are you nuts?"

"It was 3pm!  Most of the people were gone by then.  And look what I got!"

"What the hell is that?"

"It's a Label Maker!" he said, excited.

"They still make those?  Why the hell did you get it?"

"They were practically giving it away," he said.

"So what?  We don't need it," she countered.

"But they were giving it away," he said.

"OK," she said, "let's just agree to disagree on this one."

"OK....." he said, bemused.

 

Later, he saw it...

 

Friday
Nov272009

Being a Doggy Mama - Choopelaaaaaah!

 

Getting the dogs to play sometimes takes some trickery.

They have toys lying all over the house, but they tend to follow me around and get under my feet.

So I've created the toy box.

Every day I pack up the toys that are out and then I get to make a big deal out of pulling something out of the box for them to play with.

To get them doubly excited, I throw the toy across the room and whoop-yell something to get them excited.

The whoop-yell is usually a made up word.

I've made up words for years.  It started when I went into the workplace and couldn't swear (curse) anymore, and really crystallized when we first moved to the US and the hairy eyeballs I got in supermarkets made it clear to me that saying "Why the FUCK are there so many breakfast cereals?!?!?" wasn't socially acceptable.

Saying "Fattyboozlybuckawallie" is better than "Fuckingbollocksbuggery."

This word invention has served me well when trying to get the dogs to chase a toy and leave us alone for five minutes.

Here are some of the words I whoop, soprano-cheerleader style:

 

  • "CHOOP-E-LAAAAAH!"
  • "OM-POMPIE-DOOBIE!"
  • "OOKIE-SHOOOOOOOKIE!"
  • "WAN-A-KAT-A-LAAAAAH!"
  • "BARRA-MINKIE-POOOOOOOO!"
  • "ORRRA-WARRA-WARRA-WARRRRAAAAAAH!" (rolling of the R's is de rigeur)
  • "GOH-GED-EEEEEEEET!" (origins of this one are obvious)
  • "FAL-ESKIE-BLOO-BLOOOOOOOO!"
  • "HOOOOOOO-GAJJA-WAH-WAAAAAAAAH!"

 

Works every time.

 

Friday
Nov272009

Bucket List - Swim in the sea

 

The Bucket List is a list of things I want to do/feel I should do before I die.  I've done some of them already, and I'm telling one of those stories here.  To see the whole list, click here.

 

I am lucky because I grew up near the sea.

Some people never get to see it.

The sea around South Africa isn't one of those nice oceans that are still and transparent.  There's a reason that surfing is a big deal over there.  The waves are high, and the currents are strong.  If you don't know what you're doing, you're toast.

It was my brother who taught me how to swim in it.  

He told me about the undertow, the dip in the sand before you get to the shelf and how, if you get out to the shelf (where the water can be deceptively shallow till a wave comes), you have to watch and time the waves so you can body surf them into shore.

He taught me how to keep an eye out to make sure I wasn't floating out too far, and especially to stay between the two red flags that the lifeguards put up to demarcate the safe swimming area.

I preferred swimming out to catch the swells before the wave broke, feeling that upward lift and downward sink in my stomach as the water whooshed under me.

I always felt safe swimming in the sea with my brother.

Now that I live so far away from my family, it's one of my happiest memories of time spent with him.

Wherever I travel, if we go near the beach, I have to dip my toe in the sea, even if we're having dinner and we're all dressed up.  Maybe it's OCD, maybe it's homesickness, maybe there's just something special about the sea... but I do it every time.

 

Friday
Nov272009

Dear Diary - 6 months to live?

 

Dear Diary,

I am watching Bucket List on TV and, apart from reminding me to update my own list, it's making me think what I'd do if I was told I had 6 months to live.

Here are a few ideas:

 

  • Take up smoking again
  • Drive an American muscle car round a racetrack
  • Have a lot of sex with Fluffy Bear
  • Hire a female prostitute to give Fluffy Bear a threesome
  • Walk my dogs a LOT
  • Throw a big party for all my friends - 80's theme, of course
  • Get one of those massages where 4 people massage you at once
  • Try smoking pot
  • Try Ecstasy
  • Skydive, tandem of course (fuck taking all that pre-learning crap)
  • Go back to South Africa and throw another big party for my family and friends there
  • Go on the scariest rollercoaster I can find
  • Hire a professional dancer to dance salsa with me at a club (I know enough to be led in a fairly decent dance)
  • Sit on Fluffy Bear's lap and be held.

 

 

Friday
Nov272009

9 to 5: T - 1 week

 

 

Now that the Thanksgiving holiday is over, the reality of my having a new job is sinking in.

And I'm nervous.

  1. I haven't been living on an employee schedule.  Will I be able to get up in the morning and go to bed early enough at night?
  2. My butt has been imprinted on the couch for 6 months.  Will I have the energy to get through an 8 hour day?
  3. Am I completely out of practice talking that PC, polite way you have to in the corporate world?
  4. Have I forgotten how to actually do what I do? 
  5. This is a completely different industry for me.  Am I going to sound like an ignorant moron?
  6. New team-mates, new customers, new stakeholders... how do I make them all like me?
  7. Yes, I have new wellies (rain boots), but am I ready to actually walk to work in the rain?

And yes, I am also excited.  So I'm hanging onto that...

 

Thursday
Nov262009

Dear Diary - Thanksgiving

 

Dear Diary

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I suppose I should think about the things that I am thankful for:

 

  • My wonderful, master chef husband, Fluffy Bear
  • My handsome Puppy Dog
  • My cutie wootie Puppy Girl
  • My new job!
  • Any person out there who doesn't dock their dog's tail or mutilate it's ears
  • Any person out there who has a pit bull as a loving, family pet
  • My warm home (even though we don't own it)
  • My family who keep me in their hearts, even though I am far away
  • My friends nearby, my surrogate family
  • My friends afar, who keep in touch
  • Nordstrom, where I can go to experience real customer service at any time
  • My blog, where I can express myself
  • My therapist, who helps me see the connections and lessons in my life
  • Anyone who fights for gay, women's, or race rights
  • Anyone who works or volunteers for a charitable cause
  • Nelson Mandela and FW De Klerk, for transitioning my home country without bloodshed 
  • The Queen, for consistently giving us an example of dignity
  • Cable TV, for entertaining me
  • Books, for transporting my imagination
  • Anyone who knows how to drive round a roundabout properly
  • Anyone who has a hands-free cellphone kit in their car instead of holding their fucking phone to their ear and driving with one hand
  • My fellow bloggers and twitpeeps
  • Anyone who serves in the military, doing our dirty work for us
  • Military families, who sacrifice so much
  • Anyone who works in one of those jobs that's badly paid, not respected enough, yet vital to us all: Police, Firemen and women, Ambulance people, Nurses, Doctors and Psychiatrists who do public or charitable work
  • My parents, who watch over me from above.

 

 

Wednesday
Nov252009

He Said She Said - SALE!

 

 

 

"So... the puppy gets us up at 5:45am every morning, right?" she asked.

"Yeeeeeeessss..." he said, warily.

"Well, I was thinking..."

"Yes?" he asked, his voice showing real concern now.

"Maybe we should take part in this Black Friday Thanksgiving Sale thing, get up early and head out to Ikea and get a new dining room set."

"WHY?"

 

Of all the stores in the world, he hated Ikea most.  

She started to giggle.  

He got the joke.

 

"Don't DO that to me!" he wailed.

 

 

Wednesday
Nov252009

Quote Unquote - Just in time

 

 

"Oh my God! You're watching The View!  YOU HAVE TO GO BACK TO WORK!"

Fluffy Bear


Tuesday
Nov242009

Note to Self - Dog toys

 

 

Note to self:

Do not spend $16 on an extra-special, purple, "tuff" dog toy shaped like an octopus when an empty 7 Up soda bottle keeps the puppy amused for two days.

 

 

Tuesday
Nov242009

Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day No. "Who Gives a Shit?"

 

I have a new job!


Monday
Nov232009

Note to self: Dog abuse

 

 

 

Note to self:

Do NOT squeeze those things that look like blackheads on your doggie's tummy.

Boy dogs have nipples too.

 

Saturday
Nov212009

That's life - 10 things designed by people who didn't have to clean them

 

 

  1. Toilets
  2. Claw foot tubs
  3. Radiators
  4. Gas cookers (stovetops) with rings and those tin cup things underneath them
  5. Dog crates
  6. Bookshelves
  7. Free standing bathroom sinks
  8. Glass paneled front doors
  9. Blenders
  10. Roasting (broiling) pans

 

Saturday
Nov212009

Dear Diary - The Crap Creep

 

Dear Diary,

I broke down about a week ago.

I just couldn't stand it anymore.  

I called our cleaning company.

We aren't earning like we used to (OK, so I'm not earning at all), so we had stopped our weekly cleaning services.

When you have to economize and get rid of the cleaner, you say you'll do it all yourself, but it just doesn't work out that way.  Sure, you clean, but you do bits here and there, and the whole house is never completely dusted, vacuumed and mopped.  

And then, one day, you sit down on the toilet, humming a happy tuneless ditty, and make the mistake of looking down.  You see the kazillionth dusty little hairball and the camel screams in pain while the straw roars in triumph.

And so, dear Diary, our dear cleaner came back to us.  Just once.  Just today.

In the time that she would normally clean the whole place and do washing and ironing, she wasn't even able to get to Fluffy Bear's office.  And she fucking worked.

The microwave was unplugged and put on the floor to clean the counter.  The sofa was moved away from the wall to get to the radiator.  The bed was stripped and she probably was totally freaked when the linen marched off the mattress on it's own.

And so we came home this afternoon to a foreign place.  

Air smelling the way it should.  Linoleum the color they made it. Throw pillows on the sofa where they ought to be.  A spotless kitchen sink.

And then, dear Diary, the Crap Creep began.

It doesn't take much.

A Coke can put next to the microwave to go into recycling, my purse emptied onto the dining room table, the dogs shaking vigorously and sending their hairs flying in every direction.

By tomorrow, we'll be untidy again.

By the end of the next day the paw print collage will stretch from the back door to the living room.

Before a week has passed, there'll be gunk behind the bath taps.

But - guess what? - this isn't tomorrow, dear Diary. Not yet.

This is today.

And a clean house is pure blissssssssss...

 

Saturday
Nov212009

I'm jus' sayin' - Upsidedowny kiss

 

 

When my husband leans over the back of the couch and gives me an upside down kiss, it feels kinda funny and kinda yummy all at the same time.

I'm jus' sayin'.

 

Friday
Nov202009

Dear Diary - I'VE BEEN CENSORED!

 

Dear Diary,

I am pissed.

In the American sense (pissed off), not the English sense (drunk), unfortunately.

Although I'm about to head for the Vinho Verde and correct that.

Why am I seething, dear Diary?

Well, here's what happened.

I read a blogpost on a California newspaper website.  It was about another blogpost by a Virginia man who had taken his 11 year old son to Hooters.  Mr Virginia said on his blog that he had taken his son there to see how he would react to the women. 

I left a comment on the California newspaper website.

If I remember correctly, it went something like:

 

If there was a restaurant chain called Shooters, where tanned, handsome men with six packs waited on tables in Calvin Klein tighty whities and leather chaps, then this would be OK.

But there isn't, so it's not OK.

If Hooters had male waiters in orange shorts and tank tops stretched over their pecs, this would be OK.

But they don't, so it's not OK.

If this man had taken his son to another part of town to "see how he reacts to black people" would that be OK?

If there was a restaurant called NIGGAS where all the waiters were black and you could call them “boy” would that be OK?

If you are ever confused about whether something is sexist, substitute "black" for "women" and see if it sounds wrong to you.

And by the way, Hooters' hiring practices are something Mrs Palin, on her bookpushing Magical Mavericky Tour, believes in -- "profiling."

 

The reason I said that the above was what "I thought" I wrote, is this:

THEY DELETED MY COMMENT.

Here's their very nice email:

 

Hello,

I am one of the managers of [The Blog] on [Website]. While we
welcome comments to our posts and try our best not to censor anyone, I have
to ask you to revise a sentence in your comment before we can publish it.

Here is the sentence: If there was a restaurant called NIGGAS where all the
waiters were black and you could call them “boy” would that be OK?

I understand the point you are making, but it is our policy at the [The Newspaper] not to print the N-word except if it is necessary in the context of a news
story for news worthy purposes.

I really do like the points you made. Could you please re-send your comment
without the use of that word?

Thank you,

[Name]

[Job title]

 

I guess they don't have a very strong sense of irony.

 

 

Friday
Nov202009

Divided by a Common Language - Getting emotional

 

 

Being unemployed, I sit around at home a lot with the news channels on.

I was shocked by King County Prosecutor Dan Satterberg’s press conference detailing the charges against a Mr Monfort, who had killed a Police Officer in Seattle, Washington.  Although he started well, praising the Police Officers for their bravery and the public for help in finding the alleged killer, I think he used too much emotive language describing the charges.

Please don’t think that I am in any way siding with Mr Monfort, or that I don’t think that the murder of Officer Brenton was a tragic event.  

I just think that the Prosecutor has an ethical responsibility to leave emotive language out of a press statement, especially one before a trial.  I simply cannot see how a jury can be selected that isn’t prejudiced after this press conference.

I have copied, for contrast, the transcript of a Scotland Yard press conference held after a terrorist bomb attack in London.

I have underlined what I consider to be overemotional language in both press statements.

 

EXTRACTS FROM SATTERBERG’S PRESS CONFERENCE

Today we have charged Christopher Monfort with 5 separate criminal charges:

  • 1 count of aggravated first degree murder for the murder of Officer Brenton
  • 1 count of attempted first degree murder for his attack on Officer Sweeney
  • 1 count of arson in the first degree and attempted first degree murder for his attack and his booby trap that he laid at the Charles Street facility, and
  • 1 count of attempted first degree murder for trying to kill Sgt Nelson on the day of his arrest.

If convicted of aggravated first degree murder – the murder of Office Brenton – the defendant faces one of two possible penalties:

  • Life in prison, without possibility of release, or
  • The death penalty.

...

Today our public peace officers can take a deep breath and relax – just a bit – before they put on their uniforms and go about serving the citizens of this community.

Today the friends and family of Officer Brenton can properly mourn their loss, knowing that other Officers are not at risk from a known assassin

...

In the end, dedicated Police Investigators, working as a team with the citizens they serve, were able to put an end to the defendant’s war on law enforcement.

...

Our charges today allege that Christopher Monfort is responsible for planning and executing a one man war against the Seattle Police Dept.  The evidence that we will ultimately present at trial will show that Monfort is responsible for a series of attacks aimed at the Seattle Police Dept, resulting in the murder of a dedicated Police Officer, and the attempted murder of other officers.

First we allege that, in the early morning of October 22nd, Monfort broke into the City of Seattle Vehicle Maintenance Yard (located on Charles Street, just South of this building) and, inside that lot, Monfort stared a fire in a Seattle Police Mobile Precinct Vehicle – one of those large vehicles that was parked at that scene.

But Monfort’s goal was not simply to cause property damage.  He had placed a number of home made bombs under nearby patrol cars that were fused to explode after the Mobile Precinct Vehicle caught on fire.   The initial fire was deliberately to lure the first responders in to fight that fire within the range of those bombs that were set underneath the gas tanks of nearby patrol cars.  The intent was clearly to kill those officers and first responders.  

We allege that Monfort’s intent to kill at the Charles Street Maintenance Yard is made even more clear by several notes that he left at the scene.  In these notes that Monfort left near the fire – so that investigators would find later – he declared that, quote, “these deaths” were the result of his anger over acts of Police brutality.   And he further warned the Police that they, quote, “better get ready to attend a lot more Police funerals,” unquote.

His anger towards Police was punctuated by a large hunting knife, with an American flag fixed to the handle, which was plunged through the roof of a patrol car.

Second we allege that, just nine days later, Monfort fulfilled his threats to kill with a much simpler and more cold-blooded attack.  At approximately 9:45 on Halloween night, Monfort sat in his 1980 Datsun 210 hatchback, watching and waiting for Officer Timothy Brenton and Trainee Officer Britt Sweeney to finish conducting a routine traffic stop.  He continued to watch and wait as the officers parked their car at 29th and Yesler.  Unaware that they were being stalked, Officer Brenton went about the business of a diligent field training officer, teaching Officer Sweeney the art of good policing. 

We allege that Monfort then drove his car up to the driver’s side of the marked Seattle Police Officer Patrol Vehicle, and immediately opened fire with a high powered rifle.   From just a few feet away, he shot directly at the Officers, killing Officer Brenton immediately, and wounding Officer Sweeney. 

And with the same cold precision with which he approached his victims, Monfort reversed his car, to turn around in a nearby driveway.   But, before he sped from the scene, we allege that he dropped an American Flag bandana out the window.  The same calling card that he had left at the Charles Street scene.

Finally, as the Memorial Service for Officer Brenton was underway at Key Arena on the afternoon of November 6th, we allege that Monfort was making plans for yet another showdown with Police.  His Tuckwila apartment was stockpiled with at least three high powered rifles, including the one used to kill Officer Brenton.  Also, he had a pistol grip shotgun and hundreds of rounds of ammunition, and numerous explosive devices. 

His arsenal of weapons suggested both that he was ready to continue his attacks, and that he was preparing to make a final armed stand should he be discovered.  As most of their colleagues were honoring Officer Brenton at Key Arena that afternoon, three members of the Seattle Police Dept – two Sergeants and a Detective – were outside of Monfort’s apartment in unmarked Police cars.  They’d received a tip from a concerned citizen who had recognized that Monfort’s 1980 Datsun V210 was now covered by a tarp, and that it resembled the car that Police were looking for in connection with the Halloween murders. 

When Monfort left his second floor unit, the plainclothes Officers identified themselves and asked to speak with him.  Monfort started to run towards his apartment, simultaneously turning and producing a handgun.  He ducked into a stairwell.  As one of the Officers, Detective Sgt Gary Nelson, ran after him, Monfort aimed his gun directly at Sgt Nelson and pulled the trigger. 

The gun did not fire.

It was fully loaded, but Monfort had apparently failed to chamber a round, and this oversight saved the life of the pursuing Police Officer, who was standing only a few feet away. 

Monfort ran further, this time chambering a round into his handgun.  He ran directly to his apartment, where guns, home made bombs, grenades, barricades and booby traps were strategically placed and ready. 

But, just before Monfort could reach his apartment door, Officers caught up to him.  Again he pulled his handgun and turned to fire – but Officers fired first, dropping Monfort just steps from his apartment.

Monfort was hit in the stomach and in the face.  He is currently in a stable condition in the hospital, and is expected to recover to face these charges. 

Investigative Officers later searched the defendant’s apartment.  Not only did they find several guns, including the high powered rifle used to murder Officer Brenton, but they found a number of home made bombs, and bomb making material – an intent to kill. 

Police discovered a bomb with a fuse connected to the kitchen stove, ready to explode at the turn of a dial.  They also found hand grenade-type bombs, built with very short fuses, filled with nails and wire, that could be lit and thrown at Officers. 

They also discovered a wall of automobile tires stacked near the entrance of the apartment.  These were mounted on rims, clearly designed to act as a barricade and as a bunker for an impending standoff. 

The evidence that’s outlined in the Certificate for Determination of Probable Cause that supports these charges today sets forth in even greater detail the fruits of this extraordinary investigation.  These details include a ballistics match between the rifle found at the Monfort apartment and the slugs recovered from the murder scene of Officer Brenton.  The details also describe a DNA profile match.  A match between Monfort’s profile, DNA found off the American flag bandana and the American flag left hanging at the Charles Street bombing. 

 

 

SCOTLAND YARD PRESS CONFERENCE

Press conference 25 July, 14:50

Deputy Assistant Commissioner Peter Clarke, Metropolitan Police Service Anti-Terrorist Branch said: 

"A few days ago we made a public appeal. The appeal was for help in identifying the four men we needed to urgently trace in connection with the attempts to set off four bombs on the transport system in London, last Thursday the 21st July. 

We still want to question them about the incidents at the Oval, Shepherd's Bush and Warren Street underground stations, and on a Route 26 bus in Hackney Road, at the junction with Colombia Road. 

I can tell you that since Thursday there have been developments in the investigation. 

I hope that by setting out some of what we have been able to learn over the past few days, the public may be able to contribute even more to the progress of the investigation. 

Three of the men we wish to trace all entered Stockwell underground station just before 12.25pm, last Thursday, 21st July 2005. 

The first man got onto a Northern line northbound train and shortly afterwards attempted to set off a bomb between Stockwell and Oval stations. The train stopped at Oval station and he was then chased from the station by extraordinarily brave members of the public who tried to detain him. He left the Oval station at about 12.35pm and ran along Brixton Road, towards Brixton. He went into Normandy Road, Cowley Road, Gosling Way, where at the junction with Mostyn Gardens, he threw away his top with the New York logo. He then went into Cancell Road, Frederick Crescent and Langton Road. He was last seen at a quarter to one in Tindall Street. 

The second man also went into Stockwell underground station. He was seen walking towards the platforms. We know that at 12.53 he got on a number 26 Bus in the Bank area of the City. He was carrying a grey & black rucksack and sat on a seat towards the back of the bus with the bag next to him. He too tried to set off a bomb. He got off the bus in Hackney Road at about five past one. 

We now believe the man on the bus who attempted to set off the bomb to be: 

Muktar SAID-IBRAHIM, also known as Muktar Mohammed-Said. We believe he was associated with, and has recently visited, 58 Curtis House in Ladderswood Way, London, N11. He is 27 years old and today I am also releasing another photograph of this man. 

As I speak we are currently searching a number of addresses in London including 58 Curtis House. 

A third man entered Stockwell underground station at the same time as the others with a small purple rucksack. He tried to set off a bomb on a northbound Victoria line train between Oxford Circus and Warren Street underground stations. Shortly afterwards, at about 12.40pm he was seen without the rucksack in Warren Street station. He then left the booking hall by vaulting over the ticket barrier and running towards the exit. We believe this man to be Yasin Hassan OMAR. He is 24 years-old. 

A fourth man involved in this series of attacks entered Westbourne Park underground station just after 12.20pm last Thursday. He was wearing a dark blue baseball cap and carrying a small rucksack. He then got on a train travelling towards Shepherds Bush. A short while later he too tried to set off a bomb. He then got off the train, probably by climbing through a window at the end of the carriage. He then made his way along the track for about two to three hundred yards, before climbing down into back gardens and making good his escape. He went along McFarlane Road, past the BBC building in Wood Lane, and was last seen running under the A40. 

Initial forensic examination of the four partially detonated devices has revealed clear similarities with yet another bomb which was found by a member of the public on Saturday 23rd July. This had apparently been abandoned in an open area at Little Wormwood Scrubs, in west London. 

All five of these bombs had been placed inside dark coloured rucksacks or sports bags. All of them were made using the same type of plastic food storage container. These were manufactured in India, and are exported through one company into this country and then sold in approximately 100 outlets across the United Kingdom. The type we are interested in is this six and a quarter litre sized container with a white plastic lid. It has a label describing it as a "Delta 6250 with Lid", and also has another coloured label with the description "Family Containers, Delta, Superior Quality." Please note that we are only interested in the white lid variety. They are also produced in other colours. 

My appeal is to any shop keepers and shop workers who may have sold five or more of these identical food containers in recent months, perhaps to the same customer. Do you remember selling a number of these white topped containers at the same time? Do you remember selling them to men you perhaps recognise from the CCTV images we have released?

I would appeal to anyone who has information about where these men currently are should immediately call 999 for an emergency urgent police response. The public should not approach them. 

Anyone who believes they know the identities of these men, or has any other information about them or their movements should contact the confidential Anti-Terrorist Hotline on XXX XXXXX."

 

Friday
Nov202009

I'm jus' saying - MyTwitFace

 

 

Was Jesus the world's first social networker?

I'm jus' sayin'.

 

 

Thursday
Nov192009

I'm jus' sayin' - Swine Flu

 

 

If you are on the toilet, blow your nose in toilet tissue, then fold it over and wipe your patootie, can you get Swine Flu?

I'm jus' sayin'...

Wednesday
Nov182009

I'm jus' sayin' - Hack! Hack! Yank! Yank!

 

Hacking away at ivy and then pulling the long strands off the wall while cussing up a blue storm is very, very satisfying.

I'm jus' sayin'.

Wednesday
Nov182009

Dear Diary - I love you, Donald Mills, you Crabby Old Fart

Dear Diary
 
As you know, I love to read other people's blogs as much as I like to write mine.
 
One of my favorites is "Crabby Old Fart: The Problem with Young People Today is..." written my Mr Donald Mills.  He doesn't like young people and who, dear Diary, can blame him?
 
Recently he created a brochure for old people to help them if they have a scary encounter with a younger person.  Having experienced the utterly revolting "youf" on London buses, I see where he is coming from.
 
His post is here.
 
I had to reply to him, dear Diary.  Or, put it this way, he inspired me.
 
Here's what I had to say:

Dear Donald

I have another suggestion for you.

I suspect that one thing a Teenage Hooligan detests is someone of la troisieme age who tries to be “hip” and talk to them.

The key is therefore to attempt to engage them in conversation while repelling them at the same time.

Teenagers think they are so cool with their “code” of slang, and the last thing they want is anyone over 25 participating.

1) Try butchering the modern vernacular:

“Hey dood wassuuuuuuuuuup?” (the key here is to draw out the “up” part as long as possible, preferably till you start coughing). I’m feeling totally bangin’ and I’m gonna bee-arch ma tude. You gonna gangsta that gettin’ jiggy with it?”

2) Even more effective is dated vernacular:

“Hello young champ. You look like a hip cat. Been to any good discos lately?”

“Yo your outfit is far out! Hey can you give me the skinny on where a man can get down and boogie in this town? Or can I get some honeys by hanging at yo crib?”

“Yo funkadelic! You groovy baby and jive turkey today? Or you just mondo cool with yo moofy?”

3) Most effective – misuse of modern and dated vernacular:

“Backatcha! You are to the max digging those threads. You bitchin’ a bogart dudet with the freaky deaky and cut the cheese? Catch my drift? Totally sick, dude!”

“Hey dude! You gonna up hit up the holla? You peeps the phat (pronounced “fat”) po po (that’s as in Edgar Allen Poe, not poo as in poop) in the man? Cos (as in because) I pardy hardy peace out! Go pimpin!”

Oh, and I’d also recommend pepper spray.

Best of luck.

ittybittycrazy.com