Dear Diary - I love you, Donald Mills, you Crabby Old Fart

Dear Diary

 

As you know, I love to read other people's blogs as much as I like to write mine.

 

One of my favorites is "Crabby Old Fart: The Problem with Young People Today is..." written my Mr Donald Mills.  He doesn't like young people and who, dear Diary, can blame him?

 

Recently he created a brochure for old people to help them if they have a scary encounter with a younger person.  Having experienced the utterly revolting "youf" on London buses, I see where he is coming from.

 

His post is here.

 

I had to reply to him, dear Diary.  Or, put it this way, he inspired me.

 

Here's what I had to say:

Dear Donald

I have another suggestion for you.

I suspect that one thing a Teenage Hooligan detests is someone of la troisieme age who tries to be “hip” and talk to them.

The key is therefore to attempt to engage them in conversation while repelling them at the same time.

Teenagers think they are so cool with their “code” of slang, and the last thing they want is anyone over 25 participating.

1) Try butchering the modern vernacular:

“Hey dood wassuuuuuuuuuup?” (the key here is to draw out the “up” part as long as possible, preferably till you start coughing). I’m feeling totally bangin’ and I’m gonna bee-arch ma tude. You gonna gangsta that gettin’ jiggy with it?”

2) Even more effective is dated vernacular:

“Hello young champ. You look like a hip cat. Been to any good discos lately?”

“Yo your outfit is far out! Hey can you give me the skinny on where a man can get down and boogie in this town? Or can I get some honeys by hanging at yo crib?”

“Yo funkadelic! You groovy baby and jive turkey today? Or you just mondo cool with yo moofy?”

3) Most effective – misuse of modern and dated vernacular:

“Backatcha! You are to the max digging those threads. You bitchin’ a bogart dudet with the freaky deaky and cut the cheese? Catch my drift? Totally sick, dude!”

“Hey dude! You gonna up hit up the holla? You peeps the phat (pronounced “fat”) po po (that’s as in Edgar Allen Poe, not poo as in poop) in the man? Cos (as in because) I pardy hardy peace out! Go pimpin!”

Oh, and I’d also recommend pepper spray.

Best of luck.

ittybittycrazy.com